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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have thrown DH out for pushing DS? End of the line or am I overreacting?

311 replies

mumbanator · 16/06/2017 22:58

DH tries very hard, dedicated daddy to two lively challenging sons. I work late on a Friday and come in at 8pm. He knows I dislike it when they go out to the park/friends houses (with him) until 8/9pm a) as I haven't seen them all day and like them to be there when I come home and b) when they come in they are unbearably tired and ridiculous and I have recently asked him to ensure they're in from half 7 from now on and winding down. Tonight he returned with them at 21:45 - he knew I'd be cross and his mobile phone had died so I didn't even know where they were - they'd gone for a meal. I was upset and livid but tried to keep fairly calm (had been in for nearly 2 hours not knowing where they were, no note although I'd assumed they were safe) but a row quickly ensued. DH said it was their fault for not coming home when he asked. I said he was the grown up and he was entirely responsible. DS1 started putting in his twopence - DH was shouting and clipped his ear (but whether intentionally or not, barely made any contact, DS1 didn't seem to notice) and then pushed him back so he staggered back a couple of steps (completely unbothered and unharmed) and DH continued to shout. I told DH to leave immediately and not return tonight and bolted the doors. DSs are both fine. There is no history of any abuse of any type but I don't see how he can be fit to parent if this can possibly occur. Sorry if not enough info posted, I can't think clearly. So - AIBU to have thrown him out while I consider things and have I massively overreacted? Does this happen in normal family life? It never happened in mine - or is he BU and needs to sort himself out. Is this the end of our relationship? Is it child abuse? Would you relationship with your DH be over if he did this? Thank you to anyone with a similar experience or advice.

OP posts:
NC4now · 17/06/2017 13:53

I'm pretty sure you can work this out. It wasn't child abuse, it was a momentary loss of temper. It's not OK and needs addressing, but hopefully your parenting course will help here. Not nice for DS at all, and neither was witnessing the row but if it remains a one off and the adults deal with it appropriately, I doubt any long term damage.

You need to agree on what's acceptable re going out. I think it's lovely DH took them out for tea, and personally I'm pretty laid back at weekends. I enjoy hanging out with my kids on a Friday night if I'm alone with them. Others like to maintain routine. So that's for the pair of you to decide and maybe compromise on.

Hope you sort it. I've had some humdingers over the years and they are upsetting but you sound like a good team in general.

mumbanator · 17/06/2017 14:23

Thanks for your honest post oldbirdy and reassurance that rare instances of bad parenting which are dealt with accordingly do not necessarily equate to abuse

OP posts:
MaudGonneMad · 17/06/2017 14:33

Your kids probably see you verbally abusing your DH all the time and are mimicking your abuse.

What the actual fuck are you talking about? Where are posters getting this shit from? OP has said that she remained quiet while inwardly angry with her DH; it was her DH who kicked off. Instead you have all sorts of posters who are piling in based on imaginary scenarios.

mumbanator · 17/06/2017 15:25

I know maud!
Thanks to everyone for your opinions and advice, you've genuinely helped and all the points raised, criticism and support are interesting to read. We've started talking and thanks to you we will be discussing areas we hadn't even identified as issues this time yesterday. Communication, planning, equality, teamwork... hard work. Relieved to hear others haven't found it all plain sailing while revelling in family perfection!

OP posts:
waitforitfdear · 17/06/2017 15:40

Op I think your response to the criticisms here and your willingness to compromise and reconvnise you both need to work together is great.

Well done and good luck to you both.

waitforitfdear · 17/06/2017 15:41

There's no such thing as family perfection we are all muddling through here op. Wink

Mumoftu · 17/06/2017 16:51

Yes I'm sure lots of parents keep their young kids up very late. It would certainly explain the way a lot of children behave here days. It doesn't make it right or in a child's best interest that other parents do it though.
A lot of parents constantly feed their kids rubbish as well. If the dad wanted to do that and the op insisted on a healthy diet would that be controlling as well? And if he was challenged on it would that give him the right to push his child?

Beyondworried · 17/06/2017 17:29

Oh FFS.... the usual crew who start shouting child abuse/kick him out/I'd dump him the second an adult shouts at or touches their child in anger are out in force again on this thread. Must be fucking chilly up their on their perfect parenting plateau.

Beyondworried · 17/06/2017 17:30

What the actual fuck are you talking about? Where are posters getting this shit from?

RTFT Hmm

JoshLymanJr · 17/06/2017 17:30

Yes I'm sure lots of parents keep their young kids up very late

And if they do it's their business, not yours.

Mumoftu · 17/06/2017 17:38

And there we go again with people suggesting that parents who don't angrily push their kids are somehow showing off their fantastic, superhuman parenting skills. I think for most parents avoiding getting physical with your kids is a bare minimum standard of care!

SmileEachDay · 17/06/2017 17:39

If the OP's husband had clipped her round the ear, then pushed her, would everyone still be cool with that?

Still VERY confused.

reuset · 17/06/2017 17:44

Sounds like Maud did read and comprehend the thread, beyond. Is there something you'd like to point out that she's missing?

Beyondworried · 17/06/2017 17:47

If the OP's husband had clipped her round the ear, then pushed her, would everyone still be cool with that?
Oh for christ's sake..... every fucking time someone rolls this out. Without fail. Well done.

SmileEachDay · 17/06/2017 17:49

Beyond

No need to be snippy.

Would you?

Beyondworried · 17/06/2017 17:49

reuset
No. Not really. Is that ok with you?

Beyondworried · 17/06/2017 17:50

Then report my post Smile if you have an issue with it. In the meantime, as you were.

bumblebee61 · 17/06/2017 17:51

Another one who thinks you sound like a control freak and a nightmare to live with. if he took your sons out for a meal whilst you were at work , that is good parenting. He shouldn't have lost his temper but it happens, and it's not surprising if you put him under that sort of pressure. You sound like you want everything your own way. To throw him out was massively unreasonable. You all need to sit down and talk calmly. He should have left you a note, but he probably didn't realise his phone would die. You are co parenting here, it's not a dictatorship.

Mumoftu · 17/06/2017 17:54

When it comes to protecting your children from being pushed by an angry parent there isn't any room for discussion or compromise imo. Ignore the apologists on here op. You have sent your child a very valuable message that what happened to him wasn't acceptable.

reuset · 17/06/2017 17:55

reuset No. Not really. Is that ok with you?

Why are you going to change your mind if it isn't? Thought not. Wink

racheltable · 17/06/2017 17:57

I work late on a Friday and come in at 8pm. He knows I dislike it when they go out to the park/friends houses (with him) until 8/9pm a) as I haven't seen them all day and like them to be there when I come home

Tough. Get home earlier from work then if it's so important to you.

Your poor husband, I would have left you years ago. You sound awful.

Beyondworried · 17/06/2017 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SmileEachDay · 17/06/2017 17:59

Beyond so, would you be ok with it? Or is my question so far beneath you that you'd rather not patronise me with an answer? Smile

Beyondworried · 17/06/2017 18:00

Have PM you reuset. Enjoy.

Beyondworried · 17/06/2017 18:01

As I said Smile report my fucking post or do you want to pick a fight?