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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if they'll ever have children?

234 replies

user1497444078 · 16/06/2017 16:41

We met a married couple 5yrs ago and have become really close friends. They both have high paid jobs, are in their early thirties and enjoy the finer things (nice holidays, designer clothes etc). He is desperate to start a family a bed she isn't but conceded they would start trying after a few more years of nice holidays.

They intended to start trying two yrs ago but now every January she books them a holiday to celebrate her birthday (end of Oct) which wipes out any chance of trying that yr.

I think she's worried they will struggle financially as they have a huge mortgage (London area), don't have either parents nearby for childcare and ultimately would need to limit holiday/designer clothes spend, which would all be difficult with one wage. The husband has started to express these fears and he used to say 'when we have children' which has now been replaced with 'if we ever have children'.

We've just had our first DC and in contrast live in an area where cost of living is significantly lower, have reasonable wages and are surrounded by parents/siblings all willing to help with childcare.

I would love for them to fall pregnant and know they would be amazing parents (despite her reservations) but that's easy for me to say as we've had it fairly easy.

Has anyone been in a similar position to our friends and what advise could you offer that says they can have a family and retain some of their current lifestyle?

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 17/06/2017 05:36

OP I think the major reason you're not hearing from anyone who has found a way around it, is because there isn't a way around it. You can't think of a way. No one who's read your thread (on a site that is generally really quite pro having children - even many of the narrow minded posters here seem to be unable to embrace the idea that your friend might actually not be having difficulty conceiving but actually just not want children) has mentioned a way.

You also seem to be hung up on this idea that if you can overcome your friend's material objections then it will be great. But she's told you she's just not maternal. Don't you think someone should actually want to be a mother, rather than just not be able to come up with an reason you will accept?

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/06/2017 05:39

Soorry, that last makes it sound like I think you expect her to get pregnant just because you're convinced she can enjoy an adequate lifestyle, which isn't what I meant, or what you've been saying.

What I meant was - the we won't have enough money think is a red herring. If you want kids then the money thing isn't the real issue. You look for ways to make it work. But if you're not maternal then the money thing is an issue, because you don't want the kids really, so all you're seeing is the loss of lifestyle.

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/06/2017 05:40

Sorry for all the typos. Too much wine!

Increasinglymiddleaged · 17/06/2017 06:29

It's interesting the 'narrow minded' stuff. There is nothing more narrow minded than the mindset that everyone should procreate and it is selfish not to.

Umpteenthnamechange · 17/06/2017 06:35

The more the posts posts the more bizarre they look. This thread is brilliant GrinGrin

RunYouJuiceBitch · 17/06/2017 07:26

Anyway the open minded, thick skinned posters who said their peace, which I appreciate. The ones who find it upsetting or taboo in their world will keep singing the same old song....

In other words:

"Everyone who thought IANBU - thanks so much, you're all fab.
Everyone who thought IABU - you're all rubbish, STFU."

Hmm
Casschops · 17/06/2017 07:26

I feel sorry for the friends he wants kids and she clearly doesn't feel ready. I think there is a massive pressure on women trouble have children when they reach a certain age and they end up pregnant before they are ready. There will be more going on than you realise and with all due respect, people putting in their two penneth is unwanted and VERY upsetting, if she wants or needs advice she will come to you. In the meantime steer clear of this topic and concentrate on the millions of other things that make you all happy.

Casschops · 17/06/2017 07:29

She might not feel that she wants children ever. God forbid.

hiccupgirl · 17/06/2017 07:35

Stay out of it is my advice. Just because you love being a mum doesn't mean it's for everyone.

DH and I were together for 19 years before we had DS. Most people I know assumed we'd not have kids and were surprised. I have couple friends who don't have kids for various reasons. As much as I love my DS and am glad I had him, I would never presume to tell them they should change their minds. It's not for everyone and your friend has as much right to be not maternal or you do to want children.

Bumdishcloths · 17/06/2017 07:38

Why are you so invested in a family that isn't yours? It strikes me as phenomenally strange that you're so interested in the ifs and whens of they child bearing Hmm

OliveSoap · 17/06/2017 07:44

OP, you sound more and more over-invested in this couple's decision. Not only are you on an Internet forum scouting for some 'babies don't cost much and don't prevent designer clothes and holiday spending' advice that your friends haven't asked for, but it's clear you are desperate for them to have a child. Is this because you are struggling and want to share the pain? Or because you are one of those people who needs to have all their major decisions validated by all their friends doing exactly the same thing? Or because you feel that having a child makes you an authority of what these people should want?

BoggledMind · 17/06/2017 07:47

In the nicest possible way...butt out. It's not your business and they may not want to discuss it with you.

I spent 4 years trying to conceive my dd- in that time we suffered from a mc, a lot of invasive testing and then a failed round of IVF. I have then spent another 3 years, a mc and IVF to get pregnant for a second time. It has been a heartbreaking time for both myself and my dh, and it wasn't helped by people sticking their noses into our business and making comments about when were we going to start a family, why haven't we had children yet, don't we want children, are we having a second child, the age gap is going is going to be too big if we don't start trying soon, why did we decide to wait until our dd starts school before having a second child etc etc. It's upsetting, hurtful and more importantly private (except for close family and friends). You will cause more harm than good by talking to your friends so please don't say anything at all.

Ilovewillow · 17/06/2017 07:55

My advice tread carefully and say nothing! We tried for our first child for 8 years and of course people asked were we going to have children etc but close as I was with some of them I wouldn't have dreamt if telling them about our infertility or IVF. Equally I didn't tell them when they started querying would we have a 2nd and the IVF we had again. For some people it's too painful and private to talk about!

Equally they may just not be ready! Be there to listen not to ask them, if they want advice I'm sure they'll ask!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 17/06/2017 07:59

If you're that worried about them OP and want them to be happy, advise them to split so they both can find partners who wants the same lifestyle.

WhooooAmI24601 · 17/06/2017 08:01

FGS the number of close minded ppl that can't grasp friends having such a relationship that they an discuss anything is unreal. I grasp it is a private subject for a huge number of PP, but for others it's not.

Except that it's not 'such a relationship' because they've not invited you to be privy to their inner workings and fertility. So whilst it's nice of you to take care and think of them, it's wholly unacceptable to go so far as trying to solve the issue for them when they've not even shared information with you.

I have close friends who discuss fertility/pregnancy/everything. I wouldn't post their fertility issues on a forum though because it's simply not about me. You need to step back and let this run it's course. If they invite you to talk about it, fine. If they don't, you have to accept that it's not your place.

Rioja123 · 17/06/2017 08:03

What is it to you? Why do you care? This is a bizarre thread.

WhooooAmI24601 · 17/06/2017 08:04

Also, we have friends who underwent 8 years of IVF. It ruined them totally, her mental and emotional health suffered, he was a shell of himself after 8 years and the heartache DH and I witnessed them go through was horrendous. Their wider circle had no idea; they came to parties, came on fancy holidays with us and generally looked as though they were living the life of riley. Just because someone's not wearing a neon sign shouting "fertility heartbreak" doesn't mean they're not heartbroken underneath their smiles.

YouWouldntLetItLie · 17/06/2017 08:07

My intention was to be imformative on all options as opposed to pursuasive.

Well, then, just give them an Excel printout of your own monthly budget including child-related costs, with a link to a spreadsheet you've already partially set up for them using your detailed knowledge of their finances - then they can just pop in what's missing and see for themselves that they too can share your baby joy AND have a twice weekly Ocado delivery! The fools!

There you go - facts. Because you seem weirdly resistant to any emotional advice anyone's offering you.

boolifooli · 17/06/2017 08:07

Not everyone wants kids. People don't have to have kids. It's not compulsory.

JammyBun · 17/06/2017 08:14

There's probably family members of mine who feel the same about DH and I. We've been married 5 years, and in our circles everyone seems to get pregnant within a year of marriage.

I'm pretty sure they all think I'm too focused on my job and having fun. Actually we've let them think that. The truth is we have TTC unsuccessfully for nearly 4 years.

Our families mean well, but I couldn't bear the sympathy and gossip and advice that would be showered on us if they knew the truth.

PlayingGrownUp · 17/06/2017 08:30

Childfree communities openly say that you cant compromise on children - if one person wants one and the other oneness doesn't then it's often best to split up on good terms. If that's the case for your friends then, yes, they may very well break up.

What you don't seem to realise is nothing you say will change their minds. If she doesn't want children - and an increasing number of people don't - then you trying to persuade her will do nothing except piss her off and eventually drop you as a friend.

If you really want ask them do they plan on having children and see what their response is but don't be surprised if they are open about that. Try to persuade them will just piss them off - it's being interfering no matter what their reasons are.

picketfences · 17/06/2017 08:34

Honestly OP just stay well out of it. They are adults they can decide this for themselves. They have access to google and mumsnet if they want to research this for themselves they can.

ARumWithAView · 17/06/2017 09:14

I'm not sure this is coming from any particular desire to help. You have a nice little narrative forming: two high-earners enjoying 'finer things' like clothes and holidays (superficial!), mortgaged up to the hilt in the London area (imprudent! showing off!). She's 'wiping out' their conception chances each year by booking a holiday (devious woman!). He's 'expressing his fears' by changing 'when we have kids' to 'if' (that poor bloke!).

You've had your first child in a better value area, where wages are 'reasonable' and you're surrounded by family help.

Sounds more like you want some congratulations on your life choices and a nice bit of vicarious judgement on theirs.

Also sounds like you might be one of those people who just cannot make a large decision without becoming convinced everyone around you should do the exact same; if you have a kid/get married/move to London/leave London/lose weight/go to India/buy a house/live in a yurt then, oh my god, why isn't EVERYONE I know doing that and how can I explain how misguided they are?

Hopefully you've got it off your chest here, because nagging people to buy a yurt is one thing, but (even ostensibly polite or subtle) enquiries about when a childfree couple plan to procreate are tiresome at best and excruciating at worst.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/06/2017 09:48

OP, you're unbelievable. If they wanted you to know the ins and outs of their fertility and plans for children, THEY WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU; you wouldn't need to ask on their behalf, on a chatboard.

Really. They would have told you. However close you think you are, you're obviously mistaken. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and your attempt at suggestion collusion with your friend's husband is jarring - and I don't believe that's anything other than a flimsy 'cover' excuse for your insistent nosiness.

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 17/06/2017 09:49

boom she's fantastic with our DC and appears pretty smitten whenever she's been around her. That's what makes me think she'd be a good mum.

It's not the same though.

I get on fine with my friends' kids when I see them & I love my niece & nephew to pieces. But actual, full-on parenthood is my idea of hell.