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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wonder if they'll ever have children?

234 replies

user1497444078 · 16/06/2017 16:41

We met a married couple 5yrs ago and have become really close friends. They both have high paid jobs, are in their early thirties and enjoy the finer things (nice holidays, designer clothes etc). He is desperate to start a family a bed she isn't but conceded they would start trying after a few more years of nice holidays.

They intended to start trying two yrs ago but now every January she books them a holiday to celebrate her birthday (end of Oct) which wipes out any chance of trying that yr.

I think she's worried they will struggle financially as they have a huge mortgage (London area), don't have either parents nearby for childcare and ultimately would need to limit holiday/designer clothes spend, which would all be difficult with one wage. The husband has started to express these fears and he used to say 'when we have children' which has now been replaced with 'if we ever have children'.

We've just had our first DC and in contrast live in an area where cost of living is significantly lower, have reasonable wages and are surrounded by parents/siblings all willing to help with childcare.

I would love for them to fall pregnant and know they would be amazing parents (despite her reservations) but that's easy for me to say as we've had it fairly easy.

Has anyone been in a similar position to our friends and what advise could you offer that says they can have a family and retain some of their current lifestyle?

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 17/06/2017 02:37

Anyone ever makes any comment to me asking about "when" im going to have kids, they're going to be left in no doubt i am absolutely never having any.
Not only do i have several medical conditions which means i have reduced infertility at best, possibly even complete infertility, but i have never wanted kids.
I hate how people expect you to have them, especially if you get married. Kids are NOT obligatory to have, and definitely not obligatory to want!

FreeNiki · 17/06/2017 02:44

Hardly all knowing and powerful if I'm here seeking advice

Why are you seeking advice for people who have not asked you for it?

AcrossthePond55 · 17/06/2017 02:50

Unless u think someone should forgo strong paternal instincts to keep OH happy? How do you feel about that? if roles were reversed u would say LTB I bet.

And leaving would be the right thing to do. I divorced my first H in part because he dropped the bomb on me three years in that he didn't want children, ever. No one should have a child to make someone else happy. And no one should be denied having a child for the same reason.

If it turns out that he wants children and she does not, then they are basically incompatible in one of the most important areas of any marriage.

Original poster
user1497444078 · 17/06/2017 03:00

almost you are aware that the majority of people go to school, get jobs, have partners/gey married, have children. Its not for everyone but it is pretty common, seeing as we need the majority of ppl to procreate so we have a functioning society. Have you ever an adult what they do for a living? If they have a partner? Isnt it equally offensive to presume someone wants a job or a spouse?

freeniki in the event I am asked and can give the best advice possible. Have you never taken a proactive approach?

acrossappreciate your input thanks. Agreed with your points. I do think multiple outcomes are possible as they don't have a definitive view point more a preference.

OP posts:
MrsD79 · 17/06/2017 03:06

It's not your business. To discuss it online - you clearly are bored or have too much time to spare. I had fertility issues but didn't discuss them with anyone. Friends come and go. They dont need to know everything.

FreeNiki · 17/06/2017 03:08

Have you never taken a proactive approach?

No.

One of my friends is with her bf for 7 years, over 35, not married, no dc, not any plans to by the look of it either.

None of my.business and I haven't asked.

Should she ever discuss her relationship with me then I'll go through what she wants to talk about but until then I have no idea why anyone would proactively ask strangers about issues they know nothing about.

OliviaBenson · 17/06/2017 03:10

Child free by choice here but some so called good friends of ours took my DH aside once to ask if he secretly wanted children. She had a 2 month old at the time and was in a baby bubble. Still though it was extremely offensive to us both and quite frankly none of their business.

Back off if you want to remain friends.

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/06/2017 03:13

^"Isnt it equally offensive to presume someone wants a job or a spouse?
"^ in the face of them telling you they don't think it's for them at the moment, yes it would be pretty offensive to assume they want it.

So, OP what data have you gleaned from your enquiries? How easy would it be for your friend's fears about money to be assauged? Do her concerns about managing a mortgage and child care, on one wage, lack validity? Could she have some of the same elements of a financially comfortable life (not to mention, continue with her career as easily) with children?

Plunkette · 17/06/2017 03:13

User1497 However much you love your friend, however open you are with them, it simply isn't your place to try to persuade her to have a child.

She has a good job, she's presumably intelligent. It's not difficult to find information online regarding the financial impact of children.

You're happy and want your friend to be, but it's not reasonable to assume that will necessarily validate your life choices by making the same ones as you.

As everyone else has said - this isn't your business. If her DH can't persuade her, why do you think you can?

FreeNiki · 17/06/2017 03:14

Child free by choice here but some so called good friends of ours took my DH aside once to ask if he secretly wanted children

That's also the second example of a woman assuming the wife is preventing poor DH from being a daddy.

What a shocking attitude from women.

Original poster
user1497444078 · 17/06/2017 03:18

mrsD you are also on a public forum and unless you are a professional blogger then clearly we both have time to spare/bored.

The fact you don't feel strong connection with friends enough to keep them in your life (come and go) then obviously you wouldn't discuss such things with them.

These are friends for life for me, so we're happy for such things to be each others business.

FGS the number of close minded ppl that can't grasp friends having such a relationship that they an discuss anything is unreal. I grasp it is a private subject for a huge number of PP, but for others it's not. Hmm broken record much

OP posts:
Clandestino · 17/06/2017 03:29

Any person that would stick its beak into my affairs and wanted to give me a nice advice on my uterus affairs would be told to fuck off. In no uncertain terms.
Mind your own business. Unless your friend explicitly asks for advice, shut up. There are plenty of reasons they want to be childless, ranging from medical issues up to simply feeling O K as they are. It's not up to you to judge or give recommendations. Stay out of it.

FreeNiki · 17/06/2017 03:33

The other problem is even if the friend does discuss with you how can you advise?

If it really is the case where one wants and a child and the other does not, there is no fixing that. They either break up or live with it or one has a child against their will.

Plunkette · 17/06/2017 03:33

User given that you have such a close and open relationship with this woman I have to wonder why you are asking our advice on how to persuade her into procreating rather than just discussing it with the woman concerned?

OliviaBenson · 17/06/2017 03:39

Thank you Freeniki. The friendship has never recovered and my DH was horrified.

Op, you say they are lifelong friends etc but it should tell you a lot that they haven't discussed this with you.

Original poster
user1497444078 · 17/06/2017 03:40

boom wish I could answer that but unfortunately the overwhelming response has not been to share similar experiences of such a situation, but instead for PP to mostly get offended because of a narrowed kindness and inability to accept.... For the millionth time... some ppl share, what's perceived by others to be sensitive subject, with their close friends.

no idea why anyone would proactively ask strangers about issues they know nothing about

Well there will be ppl that have been in a similar boat so strangers will know something. And if ur saying I know nothing about said issue then see previous sentence to gain understanding.

Your inability to see past your own single minded thought process is why you 'can't understand'. I have said untold times I understand some ppl don't like to talk about these things, but me and my friends are comfortable and so many cat grasp that. The ironic thing is the ppl who don't like to talk about it won't stop talking about how you shouldn't talk about it. Hmm

Anyway the open minded, thick skinned posters who said their peace, which I appreciate. The ones who find it upsetting or taboo in their world will keep singing the same old song....

OP posts:
silentpool · 17/06/2017 03:45

Please keep out of it. There is literally nothing worse as an infertile person/person having fertility issues, than having a smug mummy type on your case about having kids. Just because you don't know about it, doesn't mean there isn't something else going on with them. Also, you may have found it easy to get or stay pregnant but that isn't the case for everyone. MYOB.

tellmewhen · 17/06/2017 03:50

The problem is that you are coming from an entrenched point of view about what they should do I would love for them to fall pregnant and know they would be amazing parents (despite her reservations)

Trying to persuade someone who has reservations about having a child because you would love them to do it, is going beyond the role of a friend, however close. Your role is to allow her to make up her own mind. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and she tried to offer you advice about not having DC so that you could join in their holidays?

Clandestino · 17/06/2017 03:50

user: How do I convince my childless friend that bring a mother is the best thing ever?
MN: stay out of it
user: you are all narrow minded and don't understand it.

Well then, why do you ask for advice? Try talking to your friend and see how long your friendship lasts.

londonrach · 17/06/2017 03:55

Seriously i know so many couples like that but deep down its because they ttc and its not happened yet. Sounds like this couple is

smallhappyflappything · 17/06/2017 04:09

Oh my word. I have been with DH for more than 27 years. We don't have any DC together. We have many many good friends who we are both close to. Only 2 weeks ago, one of them asked why we didn't have any DC. She has been friends with my DH for more than 30 years. A really good friend. It is not something we have previously discussed with others but I told her when she asked.
I have a really close friend that I have known for 5 years. We discuss all sorts of things. She and her DH don't have DC. She has never discussed the issue and I would never ask. It is not my business despite how close we are. Maybe your friend does not feel close enough to discuss it with you. Get over it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/06/2017 04:31

It seems highly unlikely that they have been trying to conceive for ages and are having difficulty if the DH has been telling the OP to "big up" pregnancy to try and convince his wife until 3 months ago. I think the OP is totally unreasonable, but the projection on this thread is unbelievable.

Plunkette · 17/06/2017 04:33

Ok user I get that you discuss this stuff openly with your friend.

I still don't think it's your business to persuade her either way.

But if I'm wrong, go for it. Be aware you may be risking your friendship.

Dewey595 · 17/06/2017 04:47

You don't sound that close to your friend otherwise you would be discussing it with her, not on here. You do seem to be on the husband's side. Is he a closer friend to you?

Your friend said she isn't maternal so why don't you believe her? It sounds like she just doesn't want kids. And if her husband has been playing it down recently, too, perhaps he has had a change of heart.

Just because she made a fuss of your baby doesn't mean she likes babies or is interested in them. I put in a stellar effort in making a fuss of close friend's newborns as that's what I'm socially expected to do. When inside I think they're as dull as dishwater.

You seem to want her to go through the horror of pregnancy and labour so you have someone to commiserate with! Who needs enemies with friends like that?

Susiethetortoiseshellcat · 17/06/2017 05:24

Why are you being so defensive? I'm sure your friends have weighed up the positives and negatives of having a child, most married couples in their 30s will do this. You're clearly sure they're not having fertility issues so she just isn't ready or maybe would prefer to keep her lifestyle ( as a mother of a high maintenance toddler I can empathise with this!) Maybe they can see how your life has had to change and don't want that for themselves? Whatever they are early 30s so they still have time to decide.