To not have done DD's hair for her exam?

[Stellaaa2017]

DD is 18 and had an A-Level exam this morning. I did her hair in a high poneytail all the way until the end of year 11. She was self-conscious and wanted it like her friends but could never do it as well as I did, so I had no problem doing it. However, I did say for further education she can do it and she managed to get it in a similar style for the start of sixth form.

This morning it wasn't going well and I admit it definitely wasn't. However, she did get it up many times with it looking ok but claimed there was just too many bumps, so kept taking it out. I admit it didn't look as good as normal but we all have bad hair days!!

She wanted me to do it. WIU not to? It's not like she didn't get her hair up or anything like that. What will she do at uni?

The act of hairbrush ing is soothing and calming. She was asking you to soothe and calm her. 18 is a funny age, stuck between adulthood and childhood. On stressful days they turn to mummy for comfort.

It's obviously been a bone of contention between you but today I'm afraid you should have done it and sent her on her way in a better frame of mind. Having a row before an A level is surely to be avoided at all costs?

I hope she does well.

Some people on MN are very unkind to their children as they get older.

I'm in my 30s and sometimes when I'm staying with my mum she'll do my hair for me in a French plait. I had a friend at uni who would sometimes do the same for me. If someone is stressed out and struggling with something trivial, why would you not help them out if you could? You've said she can manage to do it herself most of the time, so I don't really see the issue. Sometimes if DP is stressed in the morning I do his cufflinks for him. YWBVU (in my opinion).

You picked the day of an A level exam for this (years overdue) lesson? YABVU. These exams really matter and decide about the student's immediate future. What if the difference between feeling good and feeling self-conscious is the grade that would have meant entry to her chosen course?

frenboop that's your experience, which is totally valid, as I said - each to their own. But there really really are some inexperienced, immature teens and young people out there who have had their normal independence stifled or undeveloped and to whom it is doing no favours. I know a few, believe me! And often it has come from a place of love and good intentions. That's all I meant, and each individual case is different. But it's definitely not "complete bollocks" that it's possible to actively de-skill someone, instead of fostering their skills.

Yeah, I think so too Imperial. Far more compassion is shown towards friends and complete strangers.

If my daughter was all fingers and thumbs because she was stressing over an interview, and asked me to tie her hair up tidily because she kept making a mess of it, then I would. And she's way over 18. I can't think of a good reason not to. I'd do it for a friend as well. YWBU

I think learning about kindness is just as important as learning about independence. And she can do it- she just got into a flap today and it would have been nice to be kind.

Your DD has been at school for 13 years working towards her A level today.She's probably worked especially hard for the last few months revising, and you chose not to do this one simple thing for her this morning that would have taken a minute or two at the most? Really, what were you thinking???

I'll be standing on my head doing goldfish impressions on Friday morning whilst juggling frogs if my daughter tells me it will help her feel supported on Friday morning before her next two A level exams later in the day.

Of course I didn't wait until this day! I said when she was 16 and she has been doing it.

I am in my 40's and my friend sometimes does my hair..

This is a day she needs to recall all the information she has learnt for her A levels not practice her hair.

Sometimes as they get older they still want a bit of mothering.

You literally couldn't have picked a worse day to make a stand on this.

Do teenagers really get their mum to do their hair ? My 10 year old can put her hair in a pony tail.

So she's been doing it for the last year or two independently and this morning she was stressed, she has an important exam and asked her mother for some assistance and to help calm her and you refused?

Yabu.

I'd have done it for her today. There's times for tough love and times to go gently, and I'd say an exam day is the latter.
Sometimes it's nice to be a bit looked after, even if you don't really need it.

I did see that you said she has been doing it herself in the last two years - so doesn't that make it more obvious that it's not the hair she was really asking for help with today if it was a one-off?

But she kept taking the hair out all because of a bump. If she couldn't get it up, I would have helped, but all because of a bump?

Fair enough though and I see I am in the wrong.

Bloody hell, my best mate is 40 and I often go to hers before we go out to help her with her hair! As it was the morning of her exam - YWBU but clearly you think not so why bother asking???

She was stressed, though. I don't understand why you'd refuse to help your child out before an exam?

She was only asking you to do her hair, not take the exam for her!

She. Was. Stressed

that is why she was upset about the bump

fgs

Well, she should be able to do her hair at 18.But , as others have said, it could well be that she felt nervous and panicky, and needed a bit of help to feel in control. A bit of maternal support with something trivial might have helped to calm her nerves.

But it's done now, so don't feel bad about it. Is there a way you can help with future exams, e.g. making her breakfast? She should obviously be able to manage this stuff, but it's a way of helping her feel supported.

She wanted reassurance and for you to step in and be a calming presence while she was focusing on a bump in her hair but had lots whirring around in her head.

I'd take her to a coffee shop or ice cream place after her exam and just let her know you're there for her.

It wasn't about her hair though OP, she was clearly stressed and asking for some mothering.
Thoughtless at best to ignore that blatant request for help, reassurance and love.

I would have sorted it for her she was stressed yes 7 know she is 18 but it really isn't about the hair in these situations it is about reassurance and wanting a bit of looking after. I have adult dds and on occasion do things that they can more than manage for them.

Xposted with a lot of others she was just after a bit of reassurance