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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to say NO to newly qualified driver taking dd and friends out for the day?

261 replies

frenboop · 14/06/2017 11:36

dd (17) has a friend who is taking his driving test today. She says if he passes he is driving them (three teens) to the beach (approx 1 hours drive away) on Sunday.

AIBU to say absolutely no way??

OP posts:
chumpchange · 14/06/2017 12:32

peppa yes, in one state drivers who have just got their licence can only carry one non-family passenger who is aged between 16 and 21. That's for the first year I think.

frenboop · 14/06/2017 12:34

yeah I feel cross with his dad tbh. I am HOPING dd has got the wrong end of the stick and its not happening. I have said I will get the garden furniture out of storage and provide beer and pizza!

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 14/06/2017 12:35

As the parent of a 17 year old DS that passed his test 6 months ago this makes for depressing reading.
It feels likely that if it was a girl driving that would be ok?
And willing him to fail his test? Sad

CryingShame · 14/06/2017 12:38

I think you're very sensible - tell her she can go if he does the drive again at the August bank holiday but not 2 days after his test unless there is an adult (parent's age) also in the car. No way on god's earth would I have my DC as one of 4 under 18s in a car together heading for the coast.

My mum always said that driving lessons teach you how to pass your test and driving in your first year teaches you how to drive. He doesn't have that knowledge yet. If I was in doubt that she'd go I'd offer her the chance to come with you, so she can blame you as the reason why she can't go.

UserLotsOfNumbers · 14/06/2017 12:39

I'd be saying no to this.
When I was at college there was a spate of young lads passing their tests and thinking they were immortal speed gods. Three of them didn't survive. One of them crashed near his home, his dad was the policeman who first attended the scene Sad.

Mine have been told that when they pass their tests they will not be going on any jaunts until they're more experienced.
Driving lessons teach you how to pass the test. Being a good, safe driver comes with maturity.

UserLotsOfNumbers · 14/06/2017 12:41

Sparkling, statistics show that girls are in fewer accidents in the first few years.
It's difficult. My oldest is nearly 17, it feels like a scary stage to be approaching.

Chickenagain · 14/06/2017 12:41

Sorry, I would say no. Not ageist, it's called being a parent. I think your husbands emphatic "No" is because he knows exactly what the drive will be like.
The driver sounds like a brash young man who will attempt to cover up a complete lack of experience with over confidence.
Put the £60 taxi money towards some barbecue food for a day in the garden.

frenboop · 14/06/2017 12:42

Don't take it personally sparklingbrook its a statistical FACT that young men are the most likely to have accidents

"And willing him to fail his test? sad" yes I am!! Totally!!

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 14/06/2017 12:42

It's so difficult to get this right. MyDD passed her test 6 months after she turned 17 and I used to really worry when she went anywhere, especially if she took friends. She appears to be a sensible and confidant driver and 2 years on I am very relaxed but those first trips were stressful. I guess if the lad isn't very trustworthy then you are right to voice your concerns to your DD. Can't really stop her though.

frenboop · 14/06/2017 12:43

yes dh's reaction has decided me

He's very chill as a person but he lived and grew up where we are now and knows what its like being a 17 year old driving here.

OP posts:
MacarenaFerreiro · 14/06/2017 12:43

There are forever serious crashes in the news - young people on country roads, unfamiliar with the area, group of friends in the back, showing off.

Recipe for disaster. Other countries (Australia I think) ban new drivers from carrying similarly aged passengers for a year after they pass. And quite right too.

upperlimit · 14/06/2017 12:44

I don't think it helps to pretend that there isn't a gender imbalance in serious and fatal car crashes.

Magicpaintbrush · 14/06/2017 12:44

You know what OP, I would also be freaking out about this as I remember extremely well when I was 17 what my male friends were like behind the wheel, they were really cavalier about their driving and drove as if the car was some kind of big toy with an "it will never happen to me" attitude. And as much as I feel uncomfortable saying it, the girls who had just passed their test were much more sensible - but that is just my own personal experience. I remember vividly my BF of the time doing 70 mph across a crossroads in a suburban area without stopping or even slowing down on the approach to the junction.

So even if in theory it is unreasonable, I totally get where you are coming from and I would also not be at all happy about my DD getting in a car with a newly qualified 17 year old boy.

frenboop · 14/06/2017 12:45

of course not upperlimit

most of the boys I know through dd seem lovely but not massively sensible. The girls seem much more switched on. Not saying its the same everywhere but tbh I don't trust 90% of them not to be show offy twats!!

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 14/06/2017 12:46

I just think there's a lot of generalisations about 17 year old boys on this thread. DS has some girls in his peer group who are awful drivers.
DS is going to take the Advanced Driving Course in the summer.

Sorry to be a bit defensive.

frenboop · 14/06/2017 12:48

There are no generalisations apart from me saying 90% of dds male friends are show offy twats

The rest of the info is fact.

OP posts:
frenboop · 14/06/2017 12:48

the advanced driving course is not worth anything

I am sure your son is a great driver (doesnt everyone think that?!) but he just needs lots of experience

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 14/06/2017 12:49

YANBU. I would worry too. However, a person is no more likely to have a crash the day after she passes, than she is to crash after a month, or 6 months.

No. The more experience he gets, the better he will be. Especially moving from the 'driving lesson' situation of someone else watching, quiet conditions, focusing on the driving, to the 'social', drivign with friends and being in complete charge of the car situation. When you're learning, someone else is basically doing most of the navigation for you, for example! When you've JUST passed is the most dangerous time. Is that really not obvious?!

He will have passed his test just a day or two before. He will be new to driving without adult supervision. He'll likely be new to driving long distances. Instead of going out for a driving lesson, he'll be getting behind the wheel to come home tired, lairy, and quite possibly having had a couple of cans of beer or more ('go on you won't be over the limit on just two!'). Most of all, instead of being in a quiet calm car with an instructor or a parent, he'll be dealing with the inevitable distractions of the rest of the car full of mates laughing, screeching, messing about. As they do.

And that's exactly why there are cases and cases of this kind of jaunt ending in tragedy. There was one a few years ago where I used to live - country lane downhill - lost control and went into a wall. Four teenagers killed and one injured. All 17 and 16.

Just distracted, not used to driving while laughing with friends at the same time. No adult to say 'slow down coming round this bit'. No experience of driving solo really - passed the week before.

Tragic.

This is in no way demonising a young male driver. I'd be absolutely against ANY brand new driver taking responsibility for a carload and a day out and a drive back tired when they'd had practically NO solo driving experience and NO time getting used to longer drives or also having to watch road signs and navigate properly etc.

OP I really hope for your sake she doesn't go.

AngelaTwerkel · 14/06/2017 12:50

I'be read that 18-25 year old males are responsible for something like three quarters of toad deaths.

I'd be talking to her about these stats, but you can't prevent her from going.

AngelaTwerkel · 14/06/2017 12:50

Toad deaths?! Road.
Blush

frenboop · 14/06/2017 12:51

I'm cross with her now.

I am driving a long way away to support another dc in a big sporting thing that they've practised for for AGES. I really don't want to have to spend the day shitting myself that dd is going to end up in hospital or worse!

OP posts:
frenboop · 14/06/2017 12:52

Toad deaths are fine. Hate the things.

OP posts:
Eggsbutnobacon · 14/06/2017 12:52

Op ...those who are saying statistically teenage lads have more accidents are absolutely right. A police officer friend of mine says he would rather let his daughter wander the streets in the early hours than let her go in a car anywhere with a newly qualified male teenage driver.
Just saying.

frenboop · 14/06/2017 12:54

i agree with him eggsbutnobacon

OP posts:
Whatslovegottodo · 14/06/2017 12:54

When I was 17 I wasn't living at home and spent a lot of time in the car with people my age driving to days out as described here.
We had some hairy moments as the mini cut out on the motor way and another one where the driver did some spins on a car park and was seen by the police. So yes not very sensible at times.
However no one ever drunk and drove. I think that drink driving is not a common thing in young people these days - far more common in middle aged and older drivers.
No one can say whether your DD should go or whether it will be safe - it is a weighing up of risk. However many young people of your daughters age or not much older are living independently so am not sure how you would be able to ban her from going.