Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

My parents paid my uni tuition (I worked to pay my own rent, bills and food) and when my kids were pre-school, they babysat one day per week while I was at work.

Now? They spend £50 for each of us (and kids) on birthday and Christmas gifts and they babysit maybe one evening every few months. That's it, but I see them every week and we have a much more even-handed relationship on a very equal footing and they're both two of my best friends!

Mind you, I plan to give my kids a bigger financial leg up when they leave home than my parents did me, simply because I think times have changed and they'll need it!

Today 18:28 user1483887562

Any adult who has been educated, fed and generally brought into fruition as a person, who expects who accepts financial help from parents is selfish

Really? I wouldn't take a penny of my DM, but my PIL are multi millionaires, why is it selfish to accept their help?

reading this makes me feel depressed tbh. I too worked from the age of 13 and although I had a loan and a job on top at uni I still couldn't make ends meet and had to leave after a year :( I'm not a party animal either, and don't shop like mad. I don't smoke or do drugs. I budget all my food. I only got a car at 22. How have people managed to 'pay themselves through uni' and all that stuff :( what have I missed?

Parents are supposed to buy you stuff when you become an adult? News to me. My mum gave me a big loan to pay off my debts, but I pay her back in monthly installments. So no financial help, and too far away for childcare. Now he's at school, they take him for a week or so in the summer holidays.

My parents did help out a bit when I first left home and when I was a single parent living on my nurses salary trying to support ds on my own. That was for things like a deposit to rent a flat and the occasional bit of help if my car needed a lot of work etc. But nothing on a regular basis and I wouldn't dream of ever asking them - anything they've given me has been at their insistence. Since living with DH they haven't given me any money for anything other than birthday/Christmas presents for the kids and they often treat us to nice meals out when they come to stay.

Currently nothing- my parents are dead and Dh's live 140 miles away.

Lots in the past. I had 20,000+ help towards a property and dad bought me two cars. DH had £10,000. My parents had no house to leave me but left £60,000 ish in cash. Neither of us had big student loans- both helped by parents.

We both have inherited from other relatives - small amounts- about £60000 in total.

My parents were very supportive day to day helping me/us. DH's help us with DS and DD when they are up here.

We are financially very stable but have been very lucky to have the support we have had.

PIL have a house that is left between DH and SIL.

There is a generation of baby boomers who are probably financially more comfortable and secure than their children will ever be. If they want to help their children and grandchildren out then that is perfectly acceptable and I cannot understand why anyone would be called selfish for excepting help from someone who can genuinely afford it and wants to?

absolutely Ellapaella - I could sit at home and spend my money on gin or help my DCs and DGCs - I'm not being a martyr, there's enough to go round

Not a penny as an adult.

I went to uni in the days when there were grants. I saved some and along with Saturday jobs bought a car at 19.

I have had no money at all from my parents except a small amount (never more than £40) for birthdays as a cheque or gift voucher.

They are poor. Have scrimped and saved all their lives and never had cash to spare.

None. Both sets of parents are dead and we never got any financial help when they were alive.

I find it hard to get my head round the handouts some posters have had.

DH and I have worked for every single penny we have, for 40 years.

We have given a sum from his parents' (his inheritance) to our DCs which is for house deposits but with average homes being many times their earnings (and they pay higher tax) they still can't get on the housing ladder.

We could have kept all the inheritance but felt it was more use to the DCs. Yes it would have been very nice to keep it and gone towards a holiday home for us.

Money - Nothing.
Childcare - Nothing.

Always amazes me on here how much help people have from parents/inlaws.

Because all money comes from somewhere. Someone has had to work for it. Having multi millionaire parents, we'll give the money to charity.

There is a generation of baby boomers who are probably financially more comfortable and secure than their children will ever be. If they want to help their children and grandchildren out then that is perfectly acceptable and I cannot understand why anyone would be called selfish for excepting help from someone who can genuinely afford it and wants to?

This. My parents, and IL's have done pretty well for themselves. They have a nice life and don't want for anything. They have cash to spare and they want to give it to us. How is it selfish to accept it?! The alternative would be saying no, them insisting, us saying no again, them ignoring us and transferring the money into our account, us transferring it back...

Nothing except paying for my wedding reception which was £400 all in. We were skint coming home from honeymoon and have bought and paid off our house a long time ago, Again with no help.We never went on holiday or out to eat or drink ever , we had crap cars and didn't spend on bottles of wine or takeaways , no nights out but we have been so happy. My dds have so much I give them money and buy them stuff all the time, I love helping them out . My parents didn't have much to give, they paid for the wedding reception by cashing in their insurance policy bless them. Didn't do me any harm but I don't want my dds too have to go without....they are spoilt rotten lol

I don't have any regular help or childcare... But what I do have is the security of knowing that if I ever needed help they could and would help in a heartbeat, probably because I have never asked or expected anything from them post 21 (am 36 now).
Plus if times are hard it is a comfort to know that my parents would be getting the children Christmas and Birthday presents from them, would pay for trips out if we went for a visit so the responsibility for paying for 'high days and holidays' for the children at least doesn't all rest with me.
That is something I do not take for granted as I appreciate lots of people don't have that security and indeed I won't have it forever.

Totally agree with what Ellapaella said. My parents give me bits here and there and money for DC's savings. This isn't because I don't work hard or couldn't manage without them but because they want to give us a bit extra and can afford it.

My mum does childcare one day a week. When DS was born my parents bought the pram and car seat and gave money so we could buy a better (safe/more reliable) car. All of this was offered, not asked for and we would get by without it.

My mum is a domineering personality and it can be hard to set boundaries, but my personal feeling is that if you decide to give gifts or support, it should be done because you want the person to have it, not so it can buy you power or control over them.

If you didn't or don't go along with your mum, are you afraid that her financial support will be withdrawn?

My parents gave me my first property so technically are the reason we are now mortgage free

They pay for part of private nursery fees (rather than childcare themselves) and quite often birthday or Xmas presents are holidays (usually to see or with them)

Also paid for new boiler and white goods when we moved house few years ago

Very generous

On the flip side DH mum has no money and we often put money in her account to help out

They gave me the deposit for my first house when I was 20 in Leiu of uni fees, as my employer funded that, and gave me a large cheque for a wedding gift. Fast forward several years and they are currently paying for my divorce (something DF wanted to do since the wedding I suspect ) Occasionally I get a rather large xmas or birthday present with a "book yourself and the dc's a holiday" which is amazing!! They also supported my career change and provide childcare when I work nights, without which I could not remain in my current profession. I love them dearly and will be forever in their debt...not financially as it was all gifted, their choice, and not requested or expected, but for the love and support they have shown me and my dc's throughout everything. Oops feeling a tad emosh writing that

I'm lucky that my parents and inlaws help a lot with child care. My husband works away so I'd be very stuck without them. They go to child minders in the morn then get picked up at varying times for by grandparents. Money wise we don't get help. They're generous at birthday and Christmas and give money instead of presents (more for the younger one as my son is 5 so a lot more aware) so I use that for clothes and shoes etc but no money otherwise although with their help with childcare they save me a lot!

I am answering for the other side here. Me and DH have a Ds and a Dd. Ds lives with his partner of 10 years and has a 3 year old son who obviously is our Dgs. DD lives with her partner and has no children as yet.
Ds is unemployed and has been for at least 10 years, his partner also doesn't work, they live on benefits and with respect get a fair bit of money.
DD works hard she moved in with her Gf a couple of months ago. Her partner owns her own business and her own home. She has worked very very hard for this.
DD is only able to work part time at the moment due to rheumatoid Arthritis but she works as many hours as possible. She recieves no benefits at all because her partner earns too much money.
DS rings every day and asks for money and until recently I have obliged. However DH has put a stop to it when we realised that they were regularly eating take away and other fun things that we can't afford to do. This has not gone down well at all we have been accused of letting our grandson starve and go without necessities, which was very painful. We have agreed happily that we will still buy him clothes and shoes but due to how far away we live, I will pay for them online.
On the other hand I give DD money to help her through the month, by the time she has paid her contributions to the household and got Petrol and paid her phone she is absolutely skint., she hates taking money from us and keeps a tally on what she owes so when she has a good month she insists on paying me a small amount back. I obviously don't tell DS this happens because it would cause major problems. DS regularly asks DD for money and when she says no he says ask your "rich" girlfriend.
Sorry about the long essay but I wanted to put it from a parents point of view. Btw hubby and I are both disabled and don't have very much money ourselves.

Weirdly, and very uncharacteristically, my DM has just given me some money for no apparent reason has the old bat won the lottery on the quiet? But that's the first time in 20 odd years apart from a small contribution to our wedding (we paid for everything else).

Mil looks after our 2 youngest once a week and does the same for sil, my parents have loaned us money in the past but were paid back within 2 months. Have been gifted money from both sides (less than 3k) as moving in presents/wedding gifts. That's it. No judgement from me for those that need extra help if parents are willing and able to give it.