Embarrassing to ask.... Not very British.... But how much REGULAR financial help do you get from your parents/your partner's parents?

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

There are lots of posts on here about people talking about not being able to deal with how controlling their parents/DP's parents are, and so going it alone.

How hard to people who have made that choice find that?

I'm talking about (for example) child care, so help-in-kind (if it's regular).

But also actual money as well

The reason I'm asking is that my (widowed) mother is making choices which I can't get behind.

I've had a lot of help all my adult life. I've had help with all sorts of things.... school uniform, dentist (for me), spends for holidays. Really big proper help.

I'm thinking that because I can't support mum's choices, it would be wrong to take her money. But that's SO easy to write on the internet, and so hard when you've got a job you love which doesn't pay very well.

I suspect I'll get a lot of posters telling me how they've always done it one their own (and, big respect for that). I don't have a lot of earning power. It's not that I could just go and get another job which would earn me more.

anyway, I'm not asking this to talk about myself, but I'm interested in how many people actually have help which is part of their day-to-day lives, or things like help for DCs b.days or Christmas. And if you DON'T have that, and can survive but not thrive, what do you do for high-days-and-holidays?

I apologise if this is extremely naive!

My parents both died when/before my DCs were babies so I've had no help at all, financial or otherwise. My DB lives abroad so no help there either. XH's parents also dead and his family live a long way away, so it's just us two being wholly responsible for them all their lives.

I did use the inheritance I got from my DPs to put a deposit on a house, but the alternative was going bankrupt at that point because we'd just lost exactly that amount on a previous property so it really just put us back where we had been rather than moving us up the ladder.

I do have a DP (doesn't live with me) who contributes a little financially to help me out when things are tough (he has put in a few hundred towards DS's first car, given me some money when he had a windfall to help pay off my debts etc) but otherwise I have to work around school hours, claim tax credits to top up my low income and luckily XH pays a sensible amount of maintenance to help make ends meet.

That's why I'm so cross about the way the government is shafting people on a low income - some of us don't have a choice to get GPs to babysit while we work and the only option is expensive childcare, which is great if you're a high earner, but when you're earning the same amount as the childminder per hour, what's the fucking point?! They get to spend time with my child while I go and earn the exact same amount doing something else.

As a LP I have to take on all of the work of running a household as well as earning enough to support my family, all while being made to feel like a pariah, jumping through hoops to prove how many hours I work and how much I earn (tax credits and council tax have a special level of contempt for the self-employed) .

When I hear about people taking their family for granted re childcare and financial contributions it makes me so annoyed.

suffolk

I hope to be in a position to help in the future. The reason being that I do want my child to be able to reach his potential and not have financial barriers in the way of things like I have. Life is easier when your family has money and isn't struggling, and I want him to spend more time enjoying the world than felling like it is against him.

I guess if I suddenly was a millionaire I would offer help with deposit for flat/Uni etc but within reason though. I wouldn't bail him out or give him money if I knew he was capable of saving it himself. I would also like him to learn to accept and not feel awkward like I do.

An interesting thread, despite the OP not returning!

I've been thinking about the reasons I would feel ashamed to take regular cash from my parents (following recent posts about why shouldn't your parents help you if they can). In my case, I think it's these three things:

1. Knowing there wasn't much money while I was growing up, so expecting my parents to give me money as an adult is unfair to them.

1. Family culture (for want of a better phrase), where my grandparents didn't have more money than my parents (due to low paying jobs and small pensions), meaning it was the norm for them to be helped out by my parents (financially and practically).

1. As a result of the above, the feeling that I am not a proper adult if I'm still taking money from my parents.

I agree with a PP that it can be irritating when people who get financial help from their parents don't realise that the rest of us don't have that support!

FeedMe

Sounds like you've worked really hard to provide for your family.
I agree about the point on childcare being expensive. It's a nightmare. I feel really lucky that my mum can have my son for 1/2 a day. But, I have to work full time (me and DH both have a below average income and live in a pricey area, so no choice), but (kind of luckily) I can condense my hours, so work long shifts to do this. If childcare was cheaper, maybe people who can rely on their parents wouldn't need to, and I can then get a better paying job during normal working hours.

It does seem however, that the people that have retired parents who help with childcare are also more likely to get financial help. Typical isn't it?

Smashingblouses
You ask how people feel about accepting help from their parents.

It doesn't generally come out ld the blue. In my case, it was a I'd ever known from a child. There was clearly money and it was given to me when I needed it (or didn't even need it. So it's something generally one grows up with.

My DF pays £240 a month into a pension for me.

I'm currently pregnant and DM is retired. She's mentioned having future grandchild one day a week, but I'm less sure about that. Think I would rather have a paid childcare arrangement with a nursery as far too often I see issues around free childcare from family from posters here

I've sporadically had to ask my DPs to loan me a ton here and there over the years it as my finances have gotten better that's dropped off.

This is just me being crazy bitchy now but one of my contemporaries gets SO much financial help off her parents (buying houses, cars etc) plus endless childcare, flights paid for etc etc. Two kids later she's still on 5 holidays a year and her husband earns an alright wedge as well and that's before we factor in his expenses.

Some folks monetary habits baffle me and yes, IABU and I am a bit

I supported myself from 16. Paid for holidays and stuff for my mum (my dad was very financially controlling. Since i have not been able to work my parents have helped me enormously. I in turn care for my mother who has Alzheimer's.

Paid my own way from 15 when I got my first Saturday job. Might have had something to do with SD being main breadwinner. Different rules for his DC, they kept what they earned, gave them money on request (deposits when bought first homes,etc). DP parents comfortably off & both able to take early retirement when in 50s. Very tight with money & always comparing themselves unfavourably with others. They gave favoured BIL significant lump sum towards first house. Never offered DP anything but not slow to ask him to guarantee loans or pay for stuff ( because they don't want to dip into their savings and lose interest). Wriggled out of being bank of kids when had DC - DP told them couldn't do it because we had our own priorities. They still manage 3-4 holidays abroad and numerous short breaks every year, new cars every 3/4 years, private health care etc.
I'd rather not be in debt to them tbh

My parents welcomed me, two children and my then husband to live with them for a very low rent whilst we saved for a deposit.

When my ex husband moved out of the house, I was a stay at home mum and due to his income we didn't receive any child benefit or tax credits. He carried on paying the mortgage but that was it. My mum helped with bills and my aunt would buy me food until I found my self a full time job and got financial help sorted. (I also had some wonderful help from mumsnetters who donated through the secret santa at the time, you literally saved my children's Christmas that year and I'll never forget it)
My dad paid the deposit on a new car for me last year.
My mum helps with taking the children to school so that I can work.

I'd have been screwed without the generosity and help of my parents and I fully intend to help my children any way I can if they need it in the future.

I got a Saturday job when I was 14 and then left home at 17, so have been independent since then. Since then I've not had a penny from my mother or any other relatives. I've been in low paid jobs too, and been behind with rent after I graduated, but she never offered and I never asked.

My parents are both deceased. My IL drip feed money occasionally but when we've had to get by, we have. I have found great friends who've rallied round to help with childcare. It is doable but it does feel scary, especially when money is really tight.

I am from a working class background and received nothing not even babysitting as parents were slightly older and not really capable of this

DH bit better off in terms of family and has had a few gifts of money from them and contributions to grandchildren isa etc

In the small well off village we live in it does seem to be the norm to get a continuous running tap of contributions of money and help

I am guessing their is a variety of experiences

Personally if I had money and or could provide practical support I would but I do find it odd that some of DC friends mums act almost childlike themselves eg their mum cooks their tea takes the kids pays for holidays etc and I am talking about 40 year olds not very young parents

None since the minute I turned 16. NC with both mum and dad, and my step-dad earns exactly the same as me but has a teenage son to pay for so he's skint and I generally pay for he and my step-brother when we go out somewhere.

My gran let me stay at hers rent free for six months when I was 16 with the understanding that I would go on JSA and pay her £50pm and my own food etc, AND care for her full-time for three months after she had a difficult operation a year later (which I did). In those three months she paid for my food. She lives down south and I'm in Scotland so she also goes 50/50 if I'm travelling down there and if she's coming up here I go 50/50 on her plane fare/contribute towards her petrol. So I think we're generally even now.

like many of us - I help support my parents and my partner's parents.

None ever, parents have been dead since I was in my 20's. But even if not, there is something to be said for managing to work hard, paying for childcare and providing what everyone needs without support, gives kids a sense of early financial responsibility and understanding too. I do know lots of people who do take financial and domestic help from family for granted though. But it is manageable if you make it so.

No financial help whatsoever since about 15 (other than Money at birthdays and Christmas) and no regular help with childcare, babysitting from either IL's or my own family. IL's have maybe looked after kids 3 times (in total) and they are now 12 and 13 and my parents (maybe 5/6 times in total).
Having said that we work hard, paid for some childcare holiday clubs after school clubs and sitters when younger as had no options. But we go out as a family but rarely go out. Occasional help would be nice for the odd night out or something but would never expect regular childcare for work or nights outs or financial help with uniforms etc.

Mum and Dad paid a huge deposit for my first property so that I could get on the property ladder and did the same for my brother. Paid mine and siblings education as we are both in well paid jobs

Mum and Dad split costs of wedding with DH parents.

Mum and Dad buy me small gifts now but spend a fortune on clothing for the kids, feeding them and taking us and the kids out.

I quite often treat mum to cashmere, designer bags that kind of thing as a big thank you for educating me, supporting me etc.

My parents gave me £5k when I got married. DH's gave him £5k when he first bought a house. No other help, but frankly I think that's plenty!

My Mum Helen s with childcare one day a week. My Dad helped me get on the property ladder by putting 80k down. However, I paid him that 80k back plus his share of the money made (an additional 20k). Other than that they treat the kids and have put money aside for when they are university age.
They are fab parents and very supportive but financially we support ourselves.
As for holidays even though they we both earn a decent salary with mortgage and extortionate childcare we struggle. We haven't been abroad for 6 years.

Not any since I was 20, now 49. Didn't make a contribution to our wedding. I'm too independent to be beholden to them. We exchange Christmas & birthday presents, but that's it.

No help since age 16. Always had a part time job. Less well off than those who have always had help and fees etc paid for them but more satisfied and I wouldn't want to sponge of my parents.

No handouts here. Both parents passed away 18 years ago. And I supported them from leaving school. DH parents live 24 hour flight away, quite wealthy, but have never had a penny from them. They have never offered. Not that we would ever ask! They have however, helped out his sisters a lot. House deposits, money for renovations, money, child care etc. But his mum is so overbearing & controlling, it does come at a price that I would never be willing to consider! Always better to be self sufficient I say

My parents aren't really well off at all but have always tought me to have a good work ethic and how important it is to financially support myself. My parents however do try and give what they can at times (not too often) but do buy some things for our son. I also feel a bit sad that I have a better standered of living than my parents and have got this through hard work. My DP's parents have done well for themselves (by chance as they left school without much education) and it seems that they always bang on about money, how much they've financially supported (and continue to support) his older sister and are always baling her out of financial mess (frustrating as they don't do any of this for us) and my husband and me support ourselves mainly m. DP's parents and mine do however pay for meals out when we're with them and whn they visit will buy a few things for son. Also frustrated me that DP's always talk about what cheap holidays they go on (they think spending £500 on a weekend break for the 2 of them is reasonable and suggest how we should be able to afford that and how they only shop in M&S and Waitrose - I could go on here...!!! We are very responsible and husband is good at finding a good deals and shopping around when we need things.

No regular money from my mum, she has once paid a grand towards holiday for a last minute family wedding abroad so that we could go
DH's mum has loaned him £20k when his bus was in trouble but we've repaid three quarters already.
Very limited child care
No other financial input at all