Not a single reply to invites - should I cancel?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I moved house recently into a lovely little road of 24 houses. It's a very well established area, and I thought it might be a nice idea to get to meet all the neighbours by inviting them to drinks and tea in the garden on 25th June

Thing is, it's a fortnight now since I put the invitations through the doors and I've not had even one reply (I've not upset them, honest ... I haven't been here long enough, even if I'd wanted to )

I absolutely get that folk are busy and that not everyone RSVP's these days, but since I've not had even one reply I'm wondering if I should just forget the whole thing - I really don't want to decorate the garden, make tea for a crowd and then be sitting here alone

Please can anyone advise the best thing to do?

Angela,

I googled and can't seem to find it! He was teaching in one of major US universities, and his book was just published. I'll try to look in the pile of newspapers at home in case by accident it hasn't got recycled.

Oh, just went on American Amazon and it immediately popped-up as no one bestseller! www.amazon.com/Popular-Power-Likability-Status-Obsessed-World/dp/0399563733/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1497512457&sr=1-1&keywords=popularity+mitch+prinstein&tag=mumsnetforum-21

The guy is Mitch Prinstein, maybe you could google him on the Times website(as you probably know not free though you can register for two free articles a week) but I'm sure there's more info on the net accompanying his book's release.
Oh yeah, something else I remembered from the article, is that if you are an unpopular loner, even genes affecting immunity may switch off in your DNA. The evolutionary logic is that you are unlikely to survive not in a tribe anyway, so your body doesn't waste resources on protecting you from infections since there is no point.

Unfortunately I have encountered far too many people who dont take 'no thank you, not for me' as an answer

Sadly, so have I - and I'm the first to agree it can put folk off since it's just as rude as those who cut others off for no reason at all. Like Nodowntime I also had one of these in the form of an elderly widower at my last house. I'm sure it was all meant well, but he'd hang around like a ruddy great spider and snare anyone passing into a conversation it was hard to escape from ... even peering through windows if he wanted you and wasn't sure whether you were in

It seems a shame, though, to avoid everyone because of people like this, since (at least IME) they're very much a minority

And yes, that book sounds really interesting; I think I'll definitely have to read that

@nettletheelf's posts made me cringe reading them. (previous page.) This is the sort of person me and DH desperately try to avoid. A neighbour who is desperate to push themselves on everyone, and is totally perplexed and refusing to 'get' why people are not the same as them. And trying to fathom reasons why, and trying to psycho analyse people, and accusing them of being anti social and having issues. FFS!

THIS paragraph made me cringe.

Luckily, as a veteran of many social gatherings and somebody who has had many neighbours and workmates in my 45 years, I have been able to glean some information over the years. Here are some of the things people have told me about why they don't want to socialise with people they haven't pre-vetted over a five year period (I didn't need to 'demand to know', either. People volunteered it):

Bully for YOU if you are a 'veteran of many social gatherings.' 'Whoop-de-doo! That doesn't make you any better than anyone else!

And yes I am SURE people have 'volunteered' to tell you why they prefer not to socialise with neighbours. After you have nagged and moaned and sighed at how you just can't understand why they are SO anti social. They probably told you to shut you up!

And it's not always about 'social phobia' - what a load of shite. Me - and many others I know - have a busy social life with friends, family, and occasionally colleagues. Just because we don't party with the neighbours all the time, doesn't mean we have 'social phobia,' or are miserable and anti social.

Just because you happen to live near someone, that doesn't mean you have to socialise with them, get to know them, and be their best buddy FGS. Most (normal) people will just chat in the street with their neighbours when they see them, and will do favours in an emergency, but will generally keep themselves to themselves. Personally, I have enough friends, and don't feel the need to force people who I live close to, to be my friend.

And what is this 'no wonder people have no friends' bollocks that someone came out with earlier? Just because people don't have neighbours trotting in and out of their homes, that doesn't mean they have no friends. What a stupid thing to say.

I don't have neighbours in and out of my house, and I don't go in and out of theirs, because I don't fucking want to. It's got sod-all to do with you, so keep your psycho babble bollocks and your patronising opinions to yourself.

Dearie me.

Tee hee! You are hilarious, notknownatthisaddress!

It's funny that you have decided the following, with no evidence:

1. That I am 'a neighbour who is desperate to push themselves on everyone'.

1. That I have 'nagged and moaned and sighed' at people who aren't very sociable.

1. That our neighbours have 'probably told me to shut up'.

1. That I think that people who don't 'have neighbours trotting in and out of their houses all day' or 'coming round for tea and bloody crumpets all day' have no friends.

I've clearly hit a nerve or two, because not only are your statements all baseless, they are pretty vicious. You're quite full of anger and spite, aren't you? I'm really pleased that I'm not like that.

Thing is, you might not be friends with your neighbours - you don't have to be but they aren't strangers exactly because you live nearby. It is useful to know who could be emergency contacts in case you can't get home or you are incapacitated - similarly who live alone and who might need someone as a contact. Who's a wheelchair user - who is alone and elderly. Who has school age children. Who has children with special needs. This is all relevant in an emergency, be it fire or flood or a sudden illness which may render you helpless

Given the Grenfell Tower fire and the tragic death of the little boy and his mum we should at least have some idea or who are neighbours are - it would save your life or someone else.

And I wouldn't expect us all to be bosom buddies in and out of each others kitchens nor want that, but I'd like to put a name to a face and house number.

Well, this thread has got me flummoxed. I was told that the English were no longer formal and standoffish as they apparently used to be but from a lot of the posts here I can't see that things have changed much. Generally in the Antipodes if you tell someone to drop in if they are passing you mean it and they'd be welcomed subject to them taking you as they found you. Most people don't run a mile if a neighbour invites them in for a Cuppa etc. It all sounds very sad.especially the suspicion that a friendly overture might have some hidden agenda.

Some of the people on this thread sound very angry - and should definitely avoid emigrating to Australia by the sound of it!

I worry that in 10 years we'll be communicating only by text and wearing the bonnets from the handmaid's tale when we're out so that we don't have to make eye contact with a STRANGER

Ginslinger

Thought of this thread as held a thing today and not had many RSVPs. 12 turned up and a good time was had by all.

I am with the 'isn't it sad you can do a nice thing without people getting all worked up?' crowd. I had a housewarming party 6 months after moving in (moved in the new year then got married spring so no time before early summer). I thought it'd be polite to invite the closest 6 neighbours and made sure it sounded very casual/open house. Only our NDN rsvp'ed and they are the only ones we are on 1st name terms with 3 years on. Thankfully, I had also invited a dozen friends who came and it was a lovely little get together. I hope your event goes well OP especially as you have sensibly invited some of your friends too

Well, that's been a bemusing weekend If anyone's still interested, you might recall that I asked folk to RSVP by yesterday, and it seems they took me very literally - instead of replying in bits and pieces as I kind of expected, I've had an absolute torrent of replies over the last two days

Whether they've all been comparing notes and have come up with some sort of group response I've no idea, but while about six households can't make it, the rest sound very keen (some lovely comments on the reply cards) and I've now got 24 coming, plus friends, which sounds a really nice number

So a huge thank you to everyone who's held my hand through this ... wish me luck for Sunday, especially the weather (!!), and I'll update with how it goes if anyone wants me to

That's good news!

Do please update. I hope there are some interesting characters who turn up. (Sounds like plot for book - perhaps someone will be poisoned by a fish paste sandwich...)

Ah wow that's great!! Make sure you take lots of mental notes!! We want to know everyone!!
Enjoy!!

I've been waiting to find out how this went.

Great. Fingers crossed the weather holds.

Excellent news!

Have you got your "menu" planned?

That's great news Puzzled I am sure you will have a lovely time

Thanks so very much, everyone - I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your support on this

Incredibly, yet more replies have come in today and it's now looking nearer to 40 people; if it rains now I'll scream, but it's looking decent so far (not that I think they really know)

It's going to involve a LOT more food than I'd originally thought, but I do want to keep it very much as an "English tea party" so there'll be a huge platter of little sandwiches (meat, cheese and salmon with the usual trimmings), another platter of mini wraps, lots of "finger nibbles" such as mini goujons, cheese straws, cherry tomatoes, wrapped sausages, cocktail pork pies, olives, crisps and so on.

Desserts are scones with jam and cream and a platter of petits fours fancies (cheated here - they're from Costco ) - also a big batch of ice lollies in case it's still hot and anyone fancies one. Drinks are punch, beer, various sodas, homemade lemonade and OJ

Will that work, does anyone think, or have I forgotten something?

Glad you have had lots of replies now!

The food sounds fantastic. I would add bottles of water, strawberries, and sticks of cucumber/carrot/celery because they're quite refreshing.

Hope you have a great time and meet some lovely people.

Excellent idea about the veg sticks, Epigab - many thanks for that

The water's taken care of ... I have three of those big glass drink dispenser things with the little taps, and one of them will be used for exactly that

How lovely! Hope it's sunny for you :)

great news!

pimms? it's pimms weather! not to add more expense to your event though

Can I come?
It sounds lovely. We have a lovely neighbour who always arranges a small gathering around Christmas. I can't tell you how much I look forward to it and how disappointed I feel if I can't make it for any reason or if they are away and don't do it. It's a lovely chance to catch up with everyone without having to rush off to work or shopping or whatever.