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Original poster

Not a single reply to invites - should I cancel?

398 replies

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/06/2017 13:10

I moved house recently into a lovely little road of 24 houses. It's a very well established area, and I thought it might be a nice idea to get to meet all the neighbours by inviting them to drinks and tea in the garden on 25th June

Thing is, it's a fortnight now since I put the invitations through the doors and I've not had even one reply (I've not upset them, honest ... I haven't been here long enough, even if I'd wanted to Wink)

I absolutely get that folk are busy and that not everyone RSVP's these days, but since I've not had even one reply I'm wondering if I should just forget the whole thing - I really don't want to decorate the garden, make tea for a crowd and then be sitting here alone

Please can anyone advise the best thing to do?

OP posts:
SherbrookeFosterer · 13/06/2017 21:32

You might be coming across as "new money".

Introduce yourself more quietly?

KERALA1 · 13/06/2017 21:45

New money?! What on earth ?

bimbobaggins · 13/06/2017 21:46

I think it's a lovely idea and even though I'm quite a shy reserved person I'd definitely come. Not new money at all, it's tea and drinks in the garden not lunch at the ritz.

bananasplitbothways · 13/06/2017 22:01

Haven't RFT thorough, sorry, but a couple of things occur to me.

The neighbours probably already know each other so it would be just your family that's new, which is not much of an incentive perhaps.

People might not want to socialise in that way with their neighbours, it's not necessarily the same as being friends even if they like each other well enough.

Nobody knows you and you have picked quite a public way for them to come to your house where it would awkward to refuse so they might think its better if they can seem to have forgotten about the invitation.

It's a Sunday you have chosen, as pp have said, and for us that's a family day such as a proper Sunday lunch, or a time to do errands for the coming week.

I probably would come either, but I would RSVP because it's good manners.

starsorwater · 13/06/2017 22:37

It's a nice idea, but I wouldn't come. I'd feel too awkward and I'd worry about having to have a garden party 'back' and I'm useless at chat. I wouldn't know how to reply because if I said I was busy and they you saw me that day not busy I'd feel awful. Also, I may well have not even opened the invitation because we get so much junk mail shoved in the letter box.

Tapandgo · 13/06/2017 23:28

Our new neighbours did this - everybody turned up. Lovely idea and helped us all get on first name terms.
I imagine people will turn up - very very odd if nobody did.

beebee7 · 13/06/2017 23:41

I am torn. I think what the OP is doing seems nice, but I can understand that a lot of people would not want to go. Many people (me included,) like to say hello to people when I see them, and happily chat on the driveway, and down the shop, whilst on a walk etc, and would be there if anyone needed us. But we don't want to have people in our homes, none of us do. We have a local pub that many people go to, (weekly,) and we can chat and socialise then. But many people will not feel comfortable or happy with having neighbours around our house.

Maybe they will feel the host will expect an invite back?

Maybe they are shy or introvert? (Nothing worse for an introvert than being told 'get a grip, come out of your shell! What's wrong with you? Don't be miserable!') Confused

Maybe they just simply don't want to go?

If a new person in the street invited me - this early on after moving in - I would feel uneasy and would probably decline.

Thing is as well, is I don't think getting too involved with neighbours is a good thing. Almost every neighbour dispute I have ever seen/encountered, is between people who were previously very pally!

Not for me, sorry OP. I wouldn't come.

Nettletheelf · 13/06/2017 23:48

I laughed a lot at the 'new money' thing. Perhaps the OP is suspected of living near Chatsworth and inviting the duke and duchess of Devonshire, plus their faithful retainers, round for Cristal and Caviar.

Nettletheelf · 13/06/2017 23:51

Also, what's with "we [many people] don't want to have people in our homes, none of us do".

Are you seriously suggesting that 'many people' don"t want anybody to enter their houses, ever? That is just bizarre.

Nodowntime · 14/06/2017 00:00

OP, definitely don't cancel!!

Why on earth people are worried about having to organise a garden party back or "OP" becoming a regular round their houses?? Isn't it clear that the purpose of the get-together is for her, as a new neighbour, to introduce herself to everyone first of all, and maybe at least learn some names of some of the neighbours.

But thanks for the insight into what goes in people's heads when they don't reply or shun such an opportunity.

Italiangreyhound · 14/06/2017 00:31

Puzzledandpissedoff sorry I have not read the whole thread but I just wanted to say when my husband and I were younger we did a lot of fundraising for charity and had quite a few successful events. However, we also had a coffee morning which no one came to! It was unfortunate as we invited friend but each one said they were not free. We had put flyers round locally so no way to cancel.

On the day we made coffee and put out cake. No one came. It sounds awful bu to be honest it was not so awful at all. We just ate some cake, drank some coffee and then cleared up!

In your shoes I would maybe do two things...

  1. pop round to each home at a time when folks are likely to home but not too busy. e.g. early evening,. and just say we hadn't heard from you and wondered if you can make it on XYZ?
  2. Invite some friends who you know from elsewhere. Make sure you get a definite yes from a least two people/families/couples.

Then decorate your home as you wish and prepare whatever you wish and just see who comes.

Whatever food you are having make it stuff where if you get lumbered with it, then you can eat it up at your own pace... e.g.
-Quiche or pizza that can be cooked from frozen or has long sell by
-Bread and fillings for sandwiches but do not make them all up in advance
-Cake that has a long sell by or can be frozen, or if home made a variety of things like scones, brownies, Victoria sponge...

PS I am sorry people did not reply. If you do not get anywhere with them, then maybe they will be better neighbours from a distance.

It is very sad that people are not more welcoming of this kind of invitation when lots of people seem to want closer community. But of course it is their right not to come round and maybe they felt embarrassed to say no.

Dianag111 · 14/06/2017 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nannybeach · 14/06/2017 07:28

Perhaps as you sent out the invites so early people have forgotten, to reply thinking they have a lot of time. Perhaps they are worried its very formal, as you sent invites, not a sort of casual come and say hello, have a cuppa. My DGS Birthday Party this Sunday DD is fuming because some people havent RSVP ed, paying for party places if folk dont turn up. When she was little, there was a boy in her class, I was told his Mum, wouldnt reply yet he would turn up, and yes, she didnt and yes he did, I hadnt done him a party bag! Would have loved to have said sorry,no I didnt know you were coming.

GloriaV · 14/06/2017 07:39

I would be unenthused about an invite like this - who's going, will they all know each other etc etc - but I would turn up or would put in a regrets note.

If I was you I would invite a few friends, put something out the front so the neighbours know the party is on and which house, and hope some turn up. I would also mention to any in passing if you see them 'Did you get my invite?..'.

GnomeDePlume · 14/06/2017 08:05

Nettletheelf not wanting to go into neighbours homes or have them come into their own homes isnt "weird" or "bizarre" it is just different from you.

IME getting on with neighbours long term and not falling out comes from not getting in with them in the first place. That way petty grumbles like the occasional noise late at night or inconvenient party doesnt get blown out of proportion.

As the saying goes, good fences make good neighbours.

bananasplitbothways · 14/06/2017 08:50

I think the suggestion that you solicit replies from the neighbours would be looked on as pestering, and IIWM I would definitely not attend after that.

Let your invitation stand, and don't chase people up, who knows, you may be pleasantly surprised on the day.

Nettletheelf · 14/06/2017 09:10

Actually, Gnome, what I took issue with was the assertion that 'many' (suggesting at least a significant minority, if not a majority) people would not want 'people' in their homes, ever.

Because that is a bizarre assertion. I don't doubt that there are some people who never want to socialise with anybody, or let a neighbour across the threshold. Thankfully, I think that's a small number.

KERALA1 · 14/06/2017 10:38

Nah not wanting to ever go into neighbours homes or have them into yours is pretty weird sorry. Unless you are a hoarder or something.

No wonder there is an epidemic of loneliness in this country!

BigYellowJumper · 14/06/2017 11:50

kerala why is it weird? I have friends who I see regularly, I am happy to say hi to my neighbours, but I need my space and I don't want people invading my space when I'm at home. I like minding my own business and unfortunately some people are unable to respect boundaries.

Nothing weird about that.

Italiangreyhound · 14/06/2017 11:56

Expecting a reply to an invite is not pestering at all bananasplitbothways. If it were seen that way then the neighbours would be both socially rude and socially inept. The simplest way not to be 'pestered' is to politely decline.

When we moved in we did invite neoighbours and friends round our first Christmas. It was our one and only time of doing so. It went well and now we enjoy good relationships in that we take in parcels, leave keys and sometimes people do the same for us.

But actually that is all I require of our neighbours, nothing more.

Italiangreyhound · 14/06/2017 11:58

BigYellowJumper "...but I need my space and I don't want people invading my space when I'm at home. I like minding my own business and unfortunately some people are unable to respect boundaries." But the OP has not suggested she goes into their homes, she has invited them to hers."

I agree there is "Nothing weird about that..." (not wanting people in your home just because they live in your street) But it;s also not weird to invite people round. What is both weird and rude is to not reply!

BigYellowJumper · 14/06/2017 12:04

italian I wasn't replying to the OP, nor do I think she's doing anything weird.

I was replying to Kerala as I said.

GnomeDePlume · 14/06/2017 12:04

It is not unusual for home to be a kind of sanctuary, private space, a place where it is possible to not have to engage with the world. This doesn’t mean not welcoming visitors at all but not welcoming people who aren’t already friends/family.

Many friendships start on neutral territory or in shared space eg at work. It is only when the friendship is starting to establish itself that visits to home happen.

Friendships with neighbours often start out as very casual friendships of coincidence a bit like work friends but they skip the neutral/shared space stage, going straight to close friend stage. Seeing someone’s home, their private space or can feel intrusive.

Not weird, not bizarre, just different.

Why not RSVP? Because doing so means having to come up with an excuse (and having to be out for the afternoon). Just saying ‘no thanks, not for me’ for some people seems to be a green light either for judginess or pushiness.

PrivatePike · 14/06/2017 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

derxa · 14/06/2017 12:30

Most Mnetters seem to be hermits.