Not a single reply to invites - should I cancel?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I moved house recently into a lovely little road of 24 houses. It's a very well established area, and I thought it might be a nice idea to get to meet all the neighbours by inviting them to drinks and tea in the garden on 25th June

Thing is, it's a fortnight now since I put the invitations through the doors and I've not had even one reply (I've not upset them, honest ... I haven't been here long enough, even if I'd wanted to )

I absolutely get that folk are busy and that not everyone RSVP's these days, but since I've not had even one reply I'm wondering if I should just forget the whole thing - I really don't want to decorate the garden, make tea for a crowd and then be sitting here alone

Please can anyone advise the best thing to do?

UPDATE I spoke to one of the more "positive" neighbours this morning, and it seems there's a lot of chattering and comparing of notes going on around who's planning to come or not. Apparently she's had several calls and her neighbour has had them too (probably because they live opposite me?) and it appears the idea's had a much happier reception than I thought from the lack of replies so far

So once again it looks as if the collective wisdom of MN is spot on though why nobody's stuck their neck out to be the first to reply is beyond me ... I don't bite, honestly!! I still haven't a clue whether they'll actually reply or not, but at least it's looking more likely that some will come

Of course, as a professional worrier I've now found something else to fret over in the weather forecast, which is grim ... somebody please tell me they really don't have a clue what it's going to do 11 days ahead??!!

BigYellowJumper
"italian I wasn't replying to the OP, nor do I think she's doing anything weird.

I was replying to Kerala as I said."

Ooops sorry

I am so shocked that people think it is OK not to reply to an invite and OK just to leave a new neighbour not knowing if people will turn up or not. I wonder if the weather gets cold and neighbours are looking out for each other if the same, can't be arsed to even reply attitude will prevail. How sad.

"and it appears the idea's had a much happier reception than I thought from the lack of replies so far..."

Hooray, sanity prevails. Well done for being a nice kind person and hope you have a fab evening.

I knew it op! They won't reply but they will come

As usual on this type of thread, there are a bunch of people who are utterly incensed that you won't socialise with neighbours or have the world and his husband round your house. Pearl clutching and outraged that people would have the temerity to not want to socialise with neighbours, and nigh on demanding to know why. WTF has it got to do with anyone if someone isn't arsed to socialise?

And newsflash, just because someone doesn't have neighbours around for tea and crumpets every bloody week, and chooses to not GO to a neighbours for tea and crumpets every bloody week, that doesn't mean that neighbours will be neglected and die, and be there for weeks without anyone knowing FFS.

I live in the friendliest village in the land, and we all chat in the street, and see each other whilst bike riding or walking, and see each other in the local town on market day etc, and church or the local shop, and there is always someone to help you if you need help, but nobody has anyone around their house. Family and close friends yeah but not neighbours.

One woman I used to know (in a town I used to live) had BBQs and parties for ANY fucking thing. Probably 12 a year! And all she did through the whole time she was there was go around asking everyone if they were OK, if they were happy, if they were enjoying the party., if they were enjoying the food, if they thought she was a good host, if they liked how she and hubster had done the garden, and she even said to her husband 'I'm a good wife ARN-I?! It made me cringe. We went to 3 or 4 of her 'do's,' but then kept making excuses to not go. Especially as half the time, her grotesque chavvy family were there and were morbidly loud.

When we left the area she asked us eleven times for our new address (during the 3 weeks prior to us going.) In the end we gave her a false one. The thought of her and her noisy family turning up in our quiet little village was horrific.

For the record, a new neighbour asking the whole street around shortly after moving in, is a bit odd imo. I wouldn't go. If it was someone who I know and have spoken to quite a number of times, then I may go, but it's unlikely I would go if I didn't know the person inviting me.

That's a relief! I'm sure rain or shine you will have a nice evening.

But notknown it's the not saying if you're coming that's the issue. Nobody cares if people don't want to socialise, but if you get an invite it's just basic manners to reply whether you're coming or not.

Sammysquiz I don't disagree that it's polite to RSVP one way or the other but the party isn't for another two weeks and the invites went out two weeks ago, so a whole month before the party. I can't always commit to things so far out because of work shifts and DDs activities so I can't RSVP until a lot closer to the event for logistical reasons.

I don't really want to RSVP "Yes, unless I can't" to a new neighbour's get together because a) it's useless as an RSVP as it's neither yes nor no b) it sounds like I'm just hedging my bets in case something better comes along c) I don't want to have to explain my schedule & commitments to someone I don't know just to justify why I can't come to a neighbourhood party.

It's also a very formal invite - with formal written invites & RSVP card - for what is supposed to be a relaxed "meet the neighbours" get together, so the neighbours are clearly trying to discuss amongst themselves what they think the party is going to entail and whether they want to commit.

I think it is a lovely idea and may well do the same when me and OH move later this year.

We have lived in our present house for 13 years and barely know any neighbours. Previous to that we lived in London and knew quite a few neighbours. We were not always in and out of each others houses but would occasionally have coffee and cake in our and their house.

As usual on this sort of thread there are the suspicious curtain twitcher types who view any invite as an intrusion and signs of "getting above yourself" and want to bring up the drawbridge to keep out the world and "keep themselves to themselves" then wonder why they have no friends.

Happily the majority of us fall somewhere in between the lunatic over bearing ones described above (who sound obnoxious and slightly mental) on the one hand and the "keep off my land " types on the other.

I note with amusement that according to some posters, meeting one's neighbours involves "[having the world and his (?) husband round your house" and "[having] neighbours around for tea and crumpets every bloody week".

Also, I note that anybody who suggests that it might be nice to know one's neighbours is cast as 'utterly incensed', 'outraged' and 'nigh on demanding to know why'.

I haven't noticed anybody being utterly incensed or outraged, and I'm on the side of knowing your neighbours!

Nor have I or anybody else asked why some posters seem horrified at the thought of having a neighbour over your threshold. I kind of wish I were a sociologist though, because I find this sort of behaviour fascinating. Whenever I hear somebody muttering about 'keeping ourselves to ourselves' I always wonder why (you'll be pleased to know that I don't 'demand to know why').

Luckily, as a veteran of many social gatherings and somebody who has had many neighbours and workmates in my 45 years, I have been able to glean some information over the years. Here are some of the things people have told me about why they don't want to socialise with people they haven't pre-vetted over a five year period (I didn't need to 'demand to know', either. People volunteered it):

1. They were embarrassed about being overweight and didn't want people looking at them, or what they ate/drank, and 'making judgements' (who does that, BTW? I've got better things to do at parties).

1. They had no idea how to make small talk and couldn't deal with being in a group conversation. These are often the people who, on nights out, want to drag you into a corner to talk about themselves and take agin you when, after half an hour, you decide to talk to some of the others in the group.

This sort of thing fascinates me because until relatively recently everybody had to be able to make small talk, before radios and tellies were invented, let alone computers and phones. So there can't be as many people who were born with social phobia as you might be led to believe.

1. They are super sensitive and think that if anybody comes into their house they'll sneer at them or show them up in some way, or laugh at them afterwards. Fear of looking or feeling silly, in other words. That's a pretty sad reason for shunning social contact, I think.

1. They are paranoid that if they make a social connection with somebody, that person will simply use that connection to 'ask for favours' or get things from the individual, or that the person they talk to will become the equivalent of the old man of the sea, popping round every day. Hence anybody they don't know really well must be regarded with suspicion. Such a negative outlook.

Anyway, the happy news is that the OP's neighbours, whilst too ill-mannered to RSVP, look likely to attend. Hurrah! Nice work, OP.

(Also, the met office can't predict the weather 11 days ahead, so fingers crossed for a lovely day! You're nowhere near Glastonbury, which is where the rain clouds will be, so you might get lucky.)

Interestingly there was a thread the other day asking what people ought to know ( I paraphrase ) and I think one of the things is how to make polite conversation and what RSVP means and what is required from you to do that.

Why would you invite a bunch of strangers to your house? It's probably just me, but I think it's a bit forward. Not to mention agonising small talk and making nice just because you live on the same street. It's like forcing a friendship with people because your children attend the same school. Put on a spread and invite your friends round for a bbq or something with lots of pimms, cake and bants.

I think it's nice! What's wrong with extending the hand of friendship when you move into a new area?

I wouldn't want to say I was coming and then something more pressing come up, like a birthday for example. I think the invitations were sent far too much in advance.

Small talk doesn't have to be 'agonising'. Small talk can be fun, honestly!

Also, isn't the OP inviting her neighbours because she doesn't want them to be 'a bunch of strangers'? Which seems perfectly reasonable. I never use the word 'strangers'. It feels like something from the 1850s.

Where has all this social phobia and fear of 'strangers' come from? We're all part of a community, whatever some posters may think. We use the same roads, schools, GP surgeries, parks, shops, etc. We share garden boundaries. You don't have to spend every moment with your neighbours, and have your door constantly open to welcome visitors, but it is not unusual to want to make friends with people in your community.

What's wrong with the OP wanting to get to know her neighbours? It's not 'forward'. It's nice.

Also, how can pressing birthdays 'come up'? If it's an important birthday, wouldn't you already know about it?

isn't the OP inviting her neighbours because she doesn't want them to be 'a bunch of strangers'?

Yes, OP is Though if some folk don't want to know / think I'm insufferable for asking / worry that I'll want something from them / just don't like socialising, that's fine too ... as I said at the start, it's not my place to force anyone

I've actually just got back from my first Community Association meeting. It seemed nicely busy, so I tried to break the ice with the woman next to me by introducing myself and remarking positively on the number of people there ... and she looked at me like something the cat dragged in. Conversely, the man on the other side picked up on my remark, welcomed me there and we had a really great chat after the meeting

As this thread also shows, people are certainly various ...

Yes good for you. It takes all kinds to make a world. I have never done this and would probably be in two minds on whether or not to go if I received a similar invite to yours OP but I really admire you for doing it and wish more people followed your example.
A friend of mine had buffet/get together early one Christmas Eve. They had only just moved into the house weeks before and both worked full time. She wanted to thank her two or three closest elderly neighbours for taking parcels in for them (whilst they were at work) and one of them for taking her bin in after the bin men had been round and also get to know them. I don't know how many neighbours she invited. As well as them she invited our family as our DS was best friends with their DS so we had got to know them over the years and another family who they knew who were also nice. It was a really lovely informal night and I think the neighbours that went really seemed to enjoy it. Good luck and hope it goes well.

A woman who asked for the address eleven times and walked around during every party interrogating people anxiously was obviously cuckoo. As an insignificant percent of the population is, as anyone who worked with general public/in customer services can easily confirm.

But there's plenty of lovely and interesting people out there. And people who live by the motto of keeping themselves to themselves are potentially turning down opportunities and having a smaller life.
I wonder now if those on this thread live in Bedfordshire? I heard of its reputation before too, I wonder what is it about it? Bedfordshirians: keep themselves to themselves! (just kidding, I'm sure there's plenty of great sociable people living there).

Reading this thread reminded me of an interesting article in the Times I read recently, about the guy in America who researched popularity and ended up writing a book and teaching a course on it at university. It said in his book that sociability was a greater predictor of longevity than nearly anything else, even if your health scores were poor. And how children normally learn to interact and to be accepted and socially adept through mimicking their parents. (Written by somebody who was extremely geeky and weird-looking and slightly isolated as a child, who grew up to overcome it all consciously). Can't find the article unfortunately or the name of the guy.

Nodowntime that sounds fascinating - if you do remember the name of the guy/article I'd love to read it.

Puzzledandpissedoff you say you wouldnt be pushy to people who said 'no thank you, not for me' and I have no reason to not believe you.

Unfortunately I have encountered far too many people who dont take 'no thank you, not for me' as an answer. I am sure these people dont feel they are being pushy but being on the receiving end of it can sure feel pushy.

We have a neighbour who is very sociable, always quickly gets to know new neighbours etc. Unfortunately she is also always on the cadge, wanting to borrow things/time. As DH is very practical we have a garage full of tools which she wants to borrow and then have to be chased to be returned. Often wants DH to give her advice about practical things with hints at DH to offer to do whatever it is for her.

As someone who gets in with neighbours, she also falls out with them. She is at the root of all the neighbour problems which have occurred in our road, from parking disputes to rows over behaviour of various children who live here.

None of this is ever her fault and she is always trying to get other people to take her side which has caused division. Over the years we have lived here we have learned to step back whenever she steps forward. Fortunately by avoiding her coming into our home we can at least stop stepping back at our front door.

Perhaps Puzzledandpissedoff, your neighbours have encountered someone like this (it is not uncommon at all) and are understandably wary.

Maybe it's too soon or they like keeping themselves to themselves....

You sound nice - just keep being nice and everything will be ok

puzzled - I'm actively searching for the box of mn bunting already in preparation for your afternoon tea party.

Welcome too to the amazing and often crazy world of mn - where your invite got an amazing response.

I wish you a day full of wonder on the 24th. You sound like you can handle anything in a positive light.

Nice update OP. I think it's a lovely gesture with the best intentions. I am glad the neighbours you talk to have calmed the waters. I hope it is a great success. Please let us know how it goes.

Let's hope none of us move near notknownatthisaddress with her deeply unpleasant and judgemental attitude. 3-4 times she accepted her neighbourhour's generous hospitality, sneered at her hosting skills and called her family chavvy. Perhaps she wanted her moving address to warn off her new neighbours.

GnomeDePlume

I admit that kind of busybody sounds worse as a neighbour than somebody who would barely ever acknowledge you when meeting. But it's not about neighbourliness, I'm sure she is an insufferable pushy colleague/friend/family member and so on, so people who who happen to be her neighbours suffer too.
It's just unlucky, and it's unfair that people come to equate people like her with "sociability" - it's absolutely nothing like having a decent and friendly neighbour. :)
We lived where as I mentioned before NDNs became our DD's sort of adoptive GPs, but the other NDNs the same age and with a same age GDD barely said hello, we didn't mind! But there was a woman on the corner of the street where it joined the main street who spent what felt like ALL day in her front garden possibly trimming the grass with her manicure scissors?(there was nothing growing in her front garden apart from grass and her hedges). Anyway, she would literally pounce on you when you passed by, nearly grab you however in a hurry you were and start talking non-stop. Pretty soon after moving I learnt to go via the opposite side of the street, a slightly longer way, to join the main road ;) Then I realised most people on the street were doing that if they weren't cycling or driving I knew she wasn't a sociable neighbour, she was possibly very lonely(she didn't live alone though!) but too cuckoo for me to indulge her need for company.