Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

[Fab40nhy]

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here?

Why would she not be able to have a night out?
Her partner can look after the baby while she goes out, they can take the baby with them on weekends away etc.

i had my second at 23 :/

23 to me is the ideal age to have a baby, I was physically the most able to cope with the demands and the sleepless nights. I was less set in my ways and my life adapted to motherhood far easier than many of those around me.

Everything I wanted to do I have either still done (and had it enhanced by sharing with my children), have plenty of time to still do or no longer have any desire to do.

Maybe she won't find being a mother stressful... I don't find it particularly stressful.

I had my first at 24 ( 23 when conceived) and my partner was 33. I am just SO glad I had mine young. I had my life back by the time I was in my early 40s.

I have friends still juggling school age children and I wouldn't swap places for a second.

I had two under three at 23. They're now adults and whilst I love them dearly, I can't say if I had my time over I would do the same again. My eldest is now 23 and if they were in a similar position I would be having the same concerns for them.

cory we moved 4 times since DC was born (renting) so no friends from ante-natal or baby groups. DC in private nursery & other parents working too so don't get to know them for play dates.

Think that's pretty typical nowadays; people often move away from family. And are working, so don't meet people locally.

My DC are not used to being looked after by strangers; only DP & myself. Family are an hour away so do get babysitting for special occasions 1-2 x year. DD starts school in a year, and I think she'll be more amenable to it then.

Wtf? Butt out!

Having said that, I remember how terrified I was when my dd became pregnant. And rightly so, because she had a then-unknown pre-existing life-threatening condition which was exacerbated by her pregnancy and also had a pph which nearly killed her. So the pregnancy, afterwards and the next few years were challenging times for her.

She survived, thank God and the NHS, and she is an amazing mum and all-round warrior-woman. Yes, she was a few years older than your dd, OP, but not so many as to make a difference.

I was 24 when my dd was born. I was plenty old enough. I should have got the show on the road at eighteen.

I expected the daughter to be maybe 16, single or in a terrible relationship, no job etc etc
What age did you have your first child op?
My sister had two dc by 23, sil had 3... they're both very happy.

Yes Prosecco, I can see why individual families might find it difficult. But we don't know what it would be like for the OPs dd.

I had moved from another country not long before I had dd and was still able to get in touch with parent groups through adverts in local newsagents etc. I started a new group myself when my second was little and got the NCT to advertise it. And met lots of local parents at pick-up from nursery and similar. Childminder was also a gold mine in terms of local connections.

Not everything is going to work for everyone. But if you have a partner, it should at least be possible to go out for a drink in the evening now and then.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable OP. ! You have come on here to voice your concerns rather than be negative to her.
In your situation I would be horrified. DD1 has very clear plans for long term academia .. I would hate her to change those plans if I wasn't convinced the change was coming from her .
My greatest concern is the marriage issue.
A child is a life long commitment. If her partner is genuine then urge them to marry first. If he isn't ready for the commitment of marriage then he is not a safe bet for a child. (Unless she is VASTLY more wealthy than him in terms of income or savings/property. )

Many men promise marriage but renege once the child is here as it does not 'benefit them' financially.

I will add my voice to those saying that YWBU to tell her that at 23 she is too young to have a family but equally it would be a VERY good idea to point out to her the vulnerable position of having children when not married. It would of course still be her choice if she chose to go ahead, but at least it would be an informed choice.

23 / 33 / 43... You can never be fully prepared! Be grateful for your daughter, her happy life and energy.

I think there's a lot to be said for having them younger and they are clearly financially stable so in a place to consider it. I had mine at 25 and 27, went back in to the workplace at 31 and have built a great career with no further breaks. Also my children are now adults, have finished uni and have jobs and their own homes so we are getting our lives back to ourselves when in our early 50s. I certainly coped with the tiredness at that age much better than I could have done if I'd have had them older.

My DD is 24 and has 3 children...all very close together. She wanted to be a mum at 14, it was all she has every wanted and the fact she was 20 was a blessing tbh. She's very happily married, has a lovely home and is thriving in the mess noise and chaos. I've never been prouder of her, being a mum has been the making of her. I'd had 2 myself by 23 and being a grandmother to 3 at 46 is wonderful. I think you're being very judgemental tbh. It's her life.

I have sympathy for you, I am pretty sure that I would feel the same as you in your situation but she seems to have a pretty sorted life and what works for one person doesn't work for another. I don't think saying anything would be helpful as it sounds like she has made her mind up on what is a pretty emotive issue. Having children at a young age will mean that she will be child free sooner so she may gain later from what she risks losing now in terms of freedoms and opportunities.

BathTangle - depends on the situation doesn't it? But I agree being informed about things is best.

We have DC and are unmarried homeowners... Partner would be much worse off than me if we split!

I'm in the minority but YANBU
I would be worried if my DD or DS wanted kids in their early 20s. For me the chance to travel is the main thing however your DD and her partner don't really sound like they are the types to do that and sound very settled already so maybe it suits them?
The people I know that have had kids fairly young haven't gone off doing anything particularly exciting because the ties are still there once you have children in your life. You will never be as carefree as you were before kids and everyone I know that has kids has added pressures in their marriage.
I don't think there would be anything wrong in having a chat with her and putting your point of view and experience across in a supportive way.

I managed plenty of nights out and weekends away with children.

I had my children young. It was great. They're all out of the house and self-sufficient now, and DH and I are still fairly young. We're both planning to semi retire soon and travel and pursue our hobbies.

A lot of my peers put off children and buying houses and so on til their 40's (I'm talking about those who had the option just to be clear). Now they have small children and hefty mortgages and no chance of retirement til their mid 70's. I wouldn't switch places with them for anything.

I don't think yabu. I agree she has a lot of time. On MN you should but out of your dc's lives the second they turn 18. She is still very young and it seems heading in a sensible direction wrt having already bought a house. Ignore all the 'I had my 1st baby at 16 and by 20 I was CEO of HSBC' posts.
You do risk alienating her if you express your views but if I were you I'd still say something.

I was in your daughters situation. I was married but me and DH had been together 3 years, lived in a house we owned and were both working. We had our first when I was 23 (just about to turn 24) and DH was 28 (almost 29) I have zero regrets. I had two more kids before I hit 30 and I wouldn't do it any differently.

We've now been married 13 years, together for 16 and still going strong.

The only thing to be wary of is that if she chooses to be a SAHM then being married first gives her a lot more legal rights than cohabiting does.

I'm 40yo, Dd is 16yo. I think it was the perfect age for me when I had her. We're very close, do loads together. She's probably going to uni in two years and I will be 42. Still loads of time to do stuff. Even when she was younger I got plenty done, went to uni when she was a toddler, I've had nights out, travelled across Africa. Life doesn't end.

No-one, whatever their age, really knows what they are taking on when they have their first child.

I really and truly have no idea what your concerns are - she is 23 FGS!

OP - are you, between the lines, saying that when you became a mother you didn't expect the changes and adjustments that you had to make in your own life? Whatever the age some are inevitable. I wonder why you don't credit DD and her DP with being aware of this.
I've noticed on Mumsnet that sometimes it's the older couples who find their DC, especially at first, upset their settled life as a twosome more than anticipated.
You'd probably get interesting responses on Gransnet too!

My daughter became a mum at 18 in the middle of her A levels to her very new boyfriend. My husband and I supported her from the second she told us, and we had no worries because we knew she would be a wonderful mother. They are both amazing parents and my grandson the luckiest little boy in the world to have her. They moved into their own property before his birth and her boyfriend worked two jobs while she stayed home with the baby for a year. Now at 23 they are married, have created a wonderful home together, have never claimed a benefit in their lives and both of them have responsible jobs in management positions. Our grandson is bright, funny, well behaved, intelligent and loving. It was all meant to be.