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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

390 replies

Fab40nhy · 11/06/2017 15:41

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here? Sad

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 13/06/2017 16:10

Fuck off Sun, go do some proper journalism Angry

MrsWhatToDo · 13/06/2017 16:22

Maternal instinct is a strong desire and if she is there then you are not going to stop her.
You thought having a child was a burden (Not really going to make her feel great about herself if you tell her that!) And it doesn't mean to say that she will feel the same.
It's normal for you to worry... but harsh as it is, you dont get a say in it.

user1487175389 · 13/06/2017 16:25

You need to butt out.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 13/06/2017 18:05

If you have not come to terms with having a baby at an age that was not right for you, seek professional help. If you can't do that, talk to other people in your own circle. Do not make your DD your accidental therapist. It's not fair on her.
What was wrong for you may be right for her. In any case, remember that you were a different person at 23 than you were at 18, and she is not you.
Give her your unconditional support. It's what she deserves and needs.

OkPedro · 14/06/2017 01:18

I've always wondered how someone "falls" pregnant Smile

For me personally, I hope my dd aspires to more than being a mother. Life has so much more to offer women 👍

babykite · 14/06/2017 08:17

I wish you were my mother op. I told my mother I was pregnant at 19 and got kicked out for it. No drumming into me how hard or amazing it would be, just out on the streets. I still feel resentment towards her to this day, she's not a very big part of my life now. I do think calmly pointing out the bad points is a good idea, I wish somebody had to me. I was so naive

RoseVase2010 · 14/06/2017 08:18

DH is younger than me, I'd have never had children at his age. I don't judge him for being younger than me though, the decision was entered into as consenting adults.

Roomster101 · 14/06/2017 12:21

I think that 23 is very different to 19. I was as "grown up" then as I am now as are many people that age. I wouldn't actually have appreciated my mother telling me that 23 was too young to have a child although as she did the same (and still had a good career etc) I doubt that she would have done.

tixismum · 14/06/2017 13:46

3 DC. Now 1 DGD. All of them enrich my life not 'burden" it (and my life has not been easy at times ) They were my rock and stability. YABU

Leonardo44 · 14/06/2017 14:04

I was 18 and for me, yes I would say it was far too soon and yes I did miss out on a lot. If I had my time again I would definitely wait until my 30s. I'm not trying to be an interfering mother here, I'm trying to make sure she doesn't make a similar mistake to the one I did

How is it comparable though? I'm assuming you didn't have your own home, marriage on the cards and plenty of money at 18?

You can absolutely talk to her without it being interfering but don't tell her she should wait or that she will regret it. It's patronising and not necessarily true. She may well wish she waited but you can't know that. I'm also in my twenties with no regrets.

hillsideboy · 15/06/2017 10:13

YANBU!!! I Wish my mother had cared half as much about me to tell me to wait! She is 23 she should be going traveling, enjoying her youth while she is still young..she has her whole life ahead of her if she's committed to this guy then why rush?..

absolutelynot · 15/06/2017 10:21

well, having been in your daughters position i would say this:

YABU....to put it down to age, she is clearly a very level headed responsible woman who can take care of herself in all respects, age ain't nothing but a number!!

but...YANBU, to be a concerned mum with legitimate concerns about a life she might not have now. I haven't had any real life, i had my first at 23 and became a mum. end of. i have seen the world as far as ayia napa, qualified as far as GCSE. I have always said I don't regret my children but if i could pop them in a box and open them up again after I realised what time I had already wasted could be regained, allowing me to better myself for the better of them, I would without a second glance. I'm 29 now. Not 40 with decades lost to motherhood and silent regret. I just see the life others have led and see the opportunities I missed....opportunities I wouldn't want my children to miss by having their own children at 23.

Roomster101 · 15/06/2017 10:38

but...YANBU, to be a concerned mum with legitimate concerns about a life she might not have now. I haven't had any real life, i had my first at 23 and became a mum. end of. i have seen the world as far as ayia napa, qualified as far as GCSE.

That is just you though. Having a child doesn't limit qualifications to GCSEs, for example. Many will have a degree then and professional qualifications (I did) and a good job/career. It all depends on OP's daughter's maturity but if she is mature I don't think "warning her" that she is too young is appropriate as she may not be too young at all. There are pros and cons to having children at a relatively young (nowadays) age.

Nodowntime · 19/06/2017 13:33
Wink
Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?
LittleGreenPear · 19/06/2017 13:58

I'd feel the same way op, rightly or wrongly

The best thing she can do is get married first so advise her on this. Being married gives her a layer of protection if she's planning a baby

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