Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

[Fab40nhy]

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here?

Nothing wrong with wanting a baby, but why isn't she getting married first?

She could have a small wedding in UK this summer, then go on a lovely honeymoon while TTC.

She's a 23 year old woman, not a child.

I can't understand your attitude at all to be honest. You really think having a baby is a "burden?" Do you regret having your own DC?

I think you should butt out and concentrate on your own life instead of projecting your feelings onto your adult daughter.

All these YABU's.
She doesn't stop being a mother just because her DD is 23.

Of course the op should let her know that she will support whatever decisions she makes. She can even put discuss the positives of having a baby at a young age, but there is nothing wrong with pointing out all the pitfalls too. It's called communication.

Sometimes people of all ages get caught up in the excitement of something and it doesn't hurt to hear people's differing opinions - as long as those opinions are not rammed down their throat of course.

I suppose it depends on the relationship you have but in a good relationship there is nothing wrong it what the op is suggesting.

I listen to what my parents have to say, even at the grand old age of 50. I might not follow their suggestions but I appreciate that their thoughts and opinions are put forward with love.
I hope to have that relationship with my kids. They are still teens but even now they will listen to what we have to say, consider it and then either reject it as us old fuddie duddies speaking or they may actually see the sense of what we are saying.

YABVU. If she wants to try for a baby at 23 then that's fine and she is not to young. Let her and her partner decide what is right for them.

I feel for you OP
I think as it's such a big issue it wouldn't be awful if you explained your concerns

it seems like an awful lot of people are bloody horrified when they figure out what having a child is actually like

normally I'd stay out of it but this is a child, there's no going back. So in a very rare moment, I will endorse parental mention of a worry to an adult

Yeah. I know it's not what you had in mind for her. But it's her life and her decision. YABU I'm afraid.

I married at 22 (DH was 31), fell pregnant, then had the baby aged 23. Had DC2 aged 24.

5 years later I have no regrets.

PS it might not be a case of being too young, but more a case of "has she really thought about what it will be like". The relentlessness of it etc.

YABU. But you do have my sympathy. DD1 became pregnant by accident. She was (and can still be) incredibly selfish. Her DP is a cocklodger. I had no desire to be a granny ever, never mind at 50. However, I kept my doubts to myself, because my comments were not wanted or needed. I love DGD very much, but I wish that DD had been in a much better place financially and not living from one wage to the next. The baby has been the making of her and has brought us closer together, but I still feel that she would have been better to wait. But her life is not mine and so I kept quiet.

I'm going to go against the odds here, but YANBU. Whilst I'd support my daughter through anything, deep down I wouldn't be best pleased if she wanted a baby at 23.

Honestly? I think if I had my time again I'd have my family much earlier. We started ttc at 33 because we were 'ready' and 'mature' and financially secure, all those supposedly ideal things to wait for. But we've struggled to conceive. I'm now 37 trying for no 2 with 3 mcs in my wake since my son. I wish we'd started earlier.

I do think life has a way of working itself out so although you think she's young actually she might have it perfectly right for her situation. My friends who had their babies early are now able to go out and go away because the children are old enough, meanwhile we are still trying to get there.

Totally agree with Nellie

A friend of mine overheard her mother telling my mother how her life was "ruined" by having DC. My friend never forgot this and it really damaged their relationship.

My own DD is in her twenties and although I was in my 30s when I had her, I certainly wouldn't consider her too young to have a baby, because, erm, she isn't!!!

I'd encourage her to marry first, for legal protection -but apart from that, if her life is sorted and stable, I think it's an ideal time to start trying.

Nothing wrong with the OP wanting to offer advice. But it might be as well for the OP to reflect that the dd will be having her experience of motherhood, not her mother's, and that it doesn't have to spell a burden or an end to adventure.

I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable in feeling how you do.

I also think 23 is too young really, especially unmarried but you can't tell her that as it will just damage your relationship. They will start trying at 23 but even if everything is ok they might not conceive any time soon.

I'm afraid you are being a bit unreasonable. She's 23 years old and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. I know it's hard but you have to acknowledge that your little girl is a grown up now

They're not that young...

If they start TTC now she will probably be 24-25 before having a baby, and he'd be not far south of 35. I see your point about not having lived that much before doing it, but equally she'll have more energy and still be pretty young when the most exhausting stage is over.

What's her career situation?

Medical science will tell you that it's far easier and healthier to have a baby at 23 than at 33.

It's really none of your business. Consider an alternative POV though. I deliberately started my family early, completely against the trend of my peer group. My youngest is now 20 and the older ones are all away from home and fully independent. My wife and I are now free to enjoy ourselves without the commitment of children and have energy and fitness to enjoy our grandchildren to the full. Meanwhile, many of my friends my age still have kids in primary school and will be close to retirement before they fly the nest. I would not swap places with them.

It's entirely up to her. I agree with a PP however that I would be gently talking to her about the protections that being married affords, if she is planning to reduce her working hours once she has a child.

What comes across to me from your posts OP is the repeated referrals to a child as a "burden", their life will be over, etc. It's sad that that's the way you see it - what if they don't? I am very family oriented and have only ever wanted to be a mother and started TTC at 26. Our DD has enriched our family and, while yes we've had to make sacrifices, it's so completely worth it she doesn't feel like a "burden". We enjoy our life adventures WITH her, and know we'll have plenty more after she grows up and moves out!

People have different priorities. You have a right to feel sad if that's how you feel, but YABU to try and put your daughter off if she's in a stable, happy position to consider it.

I get you OP and would feel the same. But ultimately she is an adult and she needs to choose her own way in life.

I'd be more concerned about having a baby without the legal protection of marriage and I think I would have to have a conversation about that - albeit again acknowledging it is her choice.

Plenty of people still have nights out or weekends away when they have children? We're going away for DH birthday at the weekend and my DC will be with their grandma. We also enjoy time away as a family, having children isn't the end of your life and if your daughter wants to try for a baby that's her choice.

also mention the childcare costs - what's her financial situation? A lot of 23 year olds haven't had time to save any money.