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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

390 replies

Fab40nhy · 11/06/2017 15:41

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here? Sad

OP posts:
ComputerUserNotTrained · 12/06/2017 23:28

I know a few couples who were together in their early 20s (teens even) and are still together 20, 30 years later. They're very much in the minority though, and all but one spent time apart for work, study or travel.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 12/06/2017 23:37

I am! We met at 15, went to uni together, married and have 6 DC. Been together for almost 20 years.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 12/06/2017 23:39

theabyss my neighbour had a baby recently when she was 46. Baby's only sibling is 16. I have to give my head a little wobble every now and then to stop the envy - their set-up is so perfect.

WanderingStar1 · 12/06/2017 23:45

I get where you're coming from. We met and had children quite late and it has some great plus points - had loads of fun in my 20s partying, great holidays, were mortgage free by the time we had a family, plus I was happy to give up my career by then, etc etc - but equally I've always seen the benefits of doing it the other way round and having them young enough to go back to work/do the partying and the holidays later. Plus she won't be the oldest Mum at the school gates, or the one who may never meet her grandchildren....! If they are in a stable relationship and solvent, then why not? And even if things go pear-shaped later down the line - they'll deal with it, things happen. I'd have hated my parents interfering if it were me. At least you'll have lovely DGCs!

lotbyname · 13/06/2017 00:45

It is indeed her choice and she sounds in a fab position. However with pfb of 7 months I get where you are coming from. It is a shock and it still is for me at 33. I understand the need to help your daughter make a clear choice. Is there one though? I don't anything can prepare you. Would all you do is undermine your daughters choice? That would be a difficult balance to pull off. Has she spent time with small children? Maybe say youd be happy to wait for grandchildren. Or just be upfront and say you're excited but worried. That is the job after all 😂

Tweetypie19 · 13/06/2017 07:47

Hi,
I completely disagree with the comment that you are being unreasonable or interfering. You're being a concerned mum. Once we are parents, we remain parents whether our children are 5 or 55.

Being. First time parent can be a challenge and shock at any age though. No matter how mature, prepared you feel you are, or how many books you've read, it's a personal individual journey. Some people breeze through it whilst others find it far tougher. Either way, it doesn't mean one parent is better than the other.
Your daughter may well decide to go for it, and I'm sure if she does, there will be good days and tough days and moments where she feels 'yikes, what have I done?!' However we can all feel this from time to time. The truth is whether she's 23 or 33, your daughter will still be the same person and will almost certainly find parenting the same experience. It's just that some people feel they want to enjoy life in different ways. Mother Nature can grab any of us at any time.

Also, if you make your bed, lay in it. I was 22 when I had my daughter. I had no idea what I was doing but now have a gorgeous almost 20 year old and three boys too. Have faith in your daughter in her life decisions. You're obviously a lovely concerned mum yourself, so chances are, she will draw on her childhood and pass it on. Best of luck xx

MargaretCavendish · 13/06/2017 07:56

Those that got together late teens seem to split late mid/late 20's. Only 1 or 2 still together in 40's/50's.

Same for me - and I'm only a decade on from 23. At that age if you'd looked at my female friends you'd have said they were nearly all in stable relationships (mostly cohabiting). Within three or four years all those relationships (including my own) were finished.

WannaBe · 13/06/2017 08:08

My parents were 20 and 23 when they had me and my sister respectively and it was the done thing back then.. They're still together 47 years later...

Also never ceases to amaze me how people think it's perfectly ok to voice opinions on someone having children young but if people decide to wait into their late 30's and 40's that suddenly becomes nobody else's business because they're older and sorted now...... Hmm.

My viewpoint is actually entirely the opposite. I believe that waiting into our 30's and 40s to have children we are destroying a generation, and are destroying the concept of extended family entirely.

So, couple have a baby in their late 30's/early 40's. The likelihood is that the grandparents are much older now, but even if they're not so this generation, if those same children wait until their early 40's to have a baby you end up with a generation where grandparents become those ancient people who have extensive care needs and those are the only memories the children will have of them. No relationship to speak of, no being able to spend time with them one-one because they're no longer in the health to be able to do that or possibly even dead. The grandparents will take on the same role as great grandparents of my generation did, i.e. We knew them from afar but they died when we were young. And the parents will be closer to retirement age by the time the children are teenagers and instead of having their lives sorted by the time they have children they will instead have to extend their working lives into their 70's and possibly beyond to be able to pay for university tuition instead

It's all a matter of personal opinion, and ultimately the only opinion that matters is that of the person having the baby. Everyone else has the right to think what they want, but they don't have the right to claim superiority with their opinion just because they did things differently.

thewrinklefairy · 13/06/2017 08:45

A baby is definitely a huge responsibility - but a burden??
That is pretty negative perspective and may reflect your own experience. There is no reason why their experience should be so negative. There are pros and cons of starting earlier / leaving it later but I don't think 23 is too young, if it feels right.

TestTubeTeen · 13/06/2017 08:53

WannaBe: you are amazed at people voicing judgey views and then launch into a judgey opinionated theory of your own?

Those who longed for the right partner / father, waited til they could afford it in these challenged times / endured fertility issues are 'destroying a generation '??

And for goodness sake, people in their mid 70s are frequently extremely active these days.

Interesting to consider all the different possible ramifications of parenting at different ages, but you sound full of what people should and shouldn't do.

user98765797837 · 13/06/2017 09:20

wow....just wow.... how interfering can you be.

She seems a mature woman... she's in a stable relationship, she has a house and a good job.... many people a lot older don't have those and still manage and become wonderful parents. I am sure she and her partner have thought long and hard about it all.

tbh this is exactly why I didn't tell anyone when I and my partner decided to ttc.... I was 20, he was 34, not married, only been together a few months. but we both knew what we wanted. 11 years later we have 2 amazing children, we got married 2 years ago, own a small house and saving up to buy a bigger one in the next few years.

let her live her life how she wants to...

blackberrymumble · 13/06/2017 09:31

I have never posted here before but your message has moved me to add a message. I am a very lucky Mum of one. I am 44 years old. I met my husband when I was 31 and we have spent 10 very long and difficult years trying to have a family - we have been through pretty much everything you can imagine - miscarriages, IVF and much more. I would not wish this experience on anyone. It would have been great if we had met when we were younger and maybe we would have been spared this heartache - who knows. Only your daughter knows when she is ready. If she does decide to try for a baby now and is successful both you and she will have many years of youth on your side to enjoy the love and pleasure that a child and grandchild brings. I wish you both a bright and fun filled future.

bruffian · 13/06/2017 09:35

I would definitely say I thought it was too young. But I would support her whatever happens.

I have made it very clear that I would rather my daughters had good careers and are able to support themselves before they have children.

But of course they do not have to listen! I don't think there is a single thing wrong with making your wishes known as a mother - AS LONG AS if they don't listen you then support them whatever.

Holly12345 · 13/06/2017 09:36

Shes not too young , why wait until there is a higher risk of ... EVERYTHING ? Nights out and trips away are not gonna be a distant memory thats unfair to say , if she wants a baby thats up to her , i think it will start an argument and u will sound patronising as if shes 15 or something with no partner !!

bruffian · 13/06/2017 09:37

I travelled and worked for five years in my twenties and it was the best thing I've ever done. I am relieved I didn't have children until I was in my 30s

bruffian · 13/06/2017 09:38

It wouldn't start an argument between me and my children. They know I am an opinionated old bag but I love them unconditionally whatever.

PollyPerky · 13/06/2017 09:53

I don't have time to read 15p ages but I think you are right to have some concerns.

However, your daughter's partner is 32 so that does put a different light on it .

My concerns would be the 9 year age gap at a time when it's acknowledged that adult brains do not mature until around age 25.

I'd be worried not so much about the baby but if your daughter is ready to make a commitment (and I'm old fashioned- I think marriage comes before a baby) at 23 when she met her partner at 20.

She may be very mature but on the other hand a baby does clip your wings and I'd be worried she'd not lived much of an independent life at 23.

Like some other posters have said, most of my peers who married young are now divorced. I married late 20s and had children between 30-35. I would not have liked the responsibility sooner but then I didn't meet the right man sooner.

I think the crucial thing is whether your DD is happy with this man and they are ready to commit to each other. Three years together isn't a huge amount of time at her age and I'd be happier in your shoes if she had lived with him longer and just ....lived!

I think I'd be asking her if she is sure she knows him well enough to commit to a child together and why don't they wait a couple of years more perhaps and in the meantime get married?

I know people do poo-poo the 'bit of paper' nowadays but all the stats show that married people with children stay together more than unmarrieds with children.

Zoflorabore · 13/06/2017 10:17

This thread is in the paper! The scum.

Just appeared on my online news.

gemma19846 · 13/06/2017 11:17

23 isnt young!!!

waitforitfdear · 13/06/2017 11:25

23 too young what rubbish.

Had 2 in my early twenties and 2 late 30s. Much easier earlier.

Met dh at 15 and married 30 years.

It is what it is. Mind your businsss op and enjoy being a gran it's bloody ace. Grin

MrsStinkey · 13/06/2017 11:27

YABVVU. I was 23 when I got married and fell pregnant with DD1 straight away. We wanted a family whilst we were young. DH and I recently celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. We have 2 DD's now and haven't missed out on anything. We still have nights out and away now and then. Having a baby isn't the end of your life. If that's what they want leave them be.

aSleepyPrincess · 13/06/2017 11:50

I became pregnant at 22 (a much tried for and much wanted baby!) and had him when I was 23. I had my second at 26.

I think I have read it all on here now:- when it's acknowledged that adult brains do not mature until around age 25
How on earth has the human race successfully raised families for centuries with such immature young mothers?!?!

Just because it may be the social norm to wait until your 30's or 40's before having babies doesn't make it right for everyone.

Stephy90 · 13/06/2017 13:28

This has hit the news now... just popped up in The Sun haha!

AbiThorn · 13/06/2017 14:03

Yabvu.
I am the only woman in my family for several generations to not have kids by 23. I'm 33 now and wish I'd had mine earlier. There may be another reason she why you don't want your daughter having a baby. Do you not like her partner?

Mummym2005 · 13/06/2017 15:49

You have every right to be concerned! I was very different in my early twenties to my early thirties, when i had my daughter. Although everyone would have said i was mature for my age and myself and my partner had everything sorted i definately would not have coped as well. Having a baby is something nothing can prepare you for and is a massive shock to the system! My own mother(sixteen when she started having children and forty two when she finished_eleven children!) Suggested we wait and im pleased we did. Maybe , if you get on well with him ,you could voice your doubts to her partner; if nothing else it will putyour mind at rest as to his reasons and ensure he knows what they are letting themseves in for!