Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

[Fab40nhy]

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here?

As long as you approach it in the right way there's no harm in talking to her. 23 is young these days to set out to start a family and, like you, I'd hope my DD would live life a bit more first. Even though he's older, 32 isn't old at all, so age wise I can't see the rush. As long as she knows you've got her best interestbat heart, then talking to her can't hurt. Just be very careful not to be too over bearing.

My dd really really wants children. She's not quite 9. I can well imagine her wanting children early. I would rather she didn't try at 18 but by 23, a persons brain is fully developed. I'm slowly preparing myself for the day when it comes. I can understand it's a massive shock. I really wish I'd managed to have my dd younger as she was born through ivf when I was 37. As they are a lovely couple, I would try to support her. Our bodies are designed to have children when we are young. I wish someone had told me this as I really didn't understand a thing about fertility. Even if she falls pregnant within the next year, the baby won't be born until she is 24/25.

My first baby was born when I was 24. In many ways waiting would have been better but I don't think it was too young.

YABU

23 is not that young. She is an adult and is perfectly capable of making decisions for herself.

I was engaged at 18, married at 20 had dc1 at 23. And yes he was very much planned as I have pcos so we needed fertility treatment and there was a loss before him.

I was expecting you to say she was 16 or something and still living under your roof from your title. There is nothing wrong with having children in your early 20s just as there is nothing wrong in waiting until later on. It's her choice just support her.

You can best serve your DD buy telling her of the upsides and downsides of being a married/unmarried mother.

Plenty of people still have nights out or weekends away when they have children?

They do, but that tends to require family childcare (as it does with you) and OP might not fancy that!

This really is her choice. I waited until my 30s and now I will probably have to settle for two kids. She may want a big family or to kickstart a career after having her children.

I don't think YAB particularly U to be concerned. If I had had a baby at 23 it would, for me, have been a mistake - and I hope that my mother would have at least attempted to discuss the pros and cons with me before I went ahead with it. Obviously it's very different for different individuals, and I wouldn't ever suggest that you try to talk her out of getting pregnant, but neither do I think a calm, grown-up discussion of the situation would be out of order.

Meanwhile in the real world of course you should bloody say something! Has she had younger siblings or nephews and nieces? If she hasn't she may be utterly clueless. It would be irresponsible to not point out how life changing having children is.

I would also perhaps gently broach what her expectation is of you doing childcare. If she's under the impression you'll mind them so she can go back to full time work/nights out etc and you don't feel the same then it's better to learn this now. For all you know she may have brought the subject up to test the waters.

Then, no matter how 'right on' it isn't, I would tell her having children without being married first is a bad idea. It works out for a few and ends up a disaster for many.

What are her peers up to? What are her career plans? You can discuss things as two adults not the lecture everyone here seems to expect.

I wish I'd been able to have kids in my 20s. Look on the bright side, you won't be an old grandparent. Plus she will likely be able to have all the career stuff you want for her, after she's had kids - it's so much harder if you break off in your 30s.

How old were you op having your first child?
Do you feel you missed out?

You seem to be painting quite a negative view "stresses of motherhood, no more trips away" etc. Not everyone finds motherhood stressful. You can still go on trips away with a baby / toddler - they're just different trips. As an older mother myself, I would say that the real "stresses of motherhood" are more likely to happen when you have teenagers, by which your DD will probably be in her late 30s - old enough to deal with it and young enough to have the energy to deal with it.

I think people know that having a baby changes your life. I would feel patronised as hell as a woman in my twenties if someone tried to sit me down to explain this as if I were twelve.

Had my second child at 23 yabvvvvvvvu and judgy. I have a first class degree, run my own business have really if I say so myself excelled. Now comfortably semi retired and mortgage free at 52. Having my first dc whilst at uni horrified my parents and I've never really got over their last of support. Both my dc have done really well one has a master's one runs a very successful business stop worrying start supporting.

My mum had me at 22 (married at 20 so I assume it was planned). Means she's young enough to parent my children.

I'd encourage everyone daughter to get married first as that's on the agenda. Probably much better for her unless she's a higher earner.

I was just 24 when I had DD1. I was in a stable marriage (still am), employed (so was DH) and mature. She was a planned baby (as was DD2 at 29 and DD3 at 31)

That DD1 is now 22 and I would not be happy if she came and said she was trying for a baby. She has just started a new job, her relationship is in the early days. But it is none of my business really. I do hear you though OP.

That said, having your family in your twenties has it's advantages. Me and Dh aren't 50 yet, and we can see the end in sight for school /exams etc. Our youngest is 15 and life is easier.
Friends our age are still struggling with younger primary kids, and have years of teenagers/exams/uni ahead of them - which will take them well into their 60s.

23 isn't young. I wish people would stop babying adults.
Put it this way, would you think a 23 year old doctor was too young to save your life? Too young to be a supervisor in a call centre? What else should go on the top young at 23 list?

I like travelling and going out, I love seeing friends, at her age I loved my career. I was also a married home owner with 2 children and 1 on the way.

What the hell is with this current extended childhood parents seem to inflict upon their children?

I thought you were going to say she was still in her teens.

I was 16 when I had my first.

*Plenty of people still have nights out or weekends away when they have children?

They do, but that tends to require family childcare (as it does with you) and OP might not fancy that!*

Trips away, and even extended travelling, can include children. Nights out can be alternated with partner, but if you do want to go out together many parents sort that by getting together in babysitting groups and taking it in turn to babysit for each other.

Dh and I had no family to call on: his were elderly, mine were in a different country. Still no recollection of life coming to an end.

I'm surprised she even told you she was trying! Is it normal to do that then? I didn't tell my parents 😂

I just can't get past all the negativity. Is that how you felt when you had your daughter? That she was a burden?

If you do talk to her i would be careful how you word it, if you were my mum and came to me with way you have worded your op our relationship would change dramatically.

We had our first planned child at 20. He was never a burden, didn't stop us from doing anything and both our families were nothing less than supportive. 5 years later and we have second.

I would much rather have children early, that way i can relax a bit more, enjoy travel when I'm getting older and still be young enough to enjoy any grandchildren.

Having children isn't a penance. Some people find elements of it stressful, many others don't.

Yabu I had my ds at 23 and your dd sounds a lot more together than I was at that age!

Wish her well OP. She is in her prime childbearing years and sounds perfectly sensible.

YABU I'm afraid.

It's interesting tho that you raise the point about nights out and weekends away.

I'm presuming you won't be expecting to butt out and mind you own business when it comes to babysitting to facilitate the above?