Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

[Fab40nhy]

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here?

I was 21 when dd1 was born and 23 when dd2 came. I actually find your posts quite offensive op. Keep your nose out of your daughter's business.

Yes, YABVU, OP. Sounds like maybe your opinion is being coloured by some bad experiences you had?

Parenthood is hard, but I don't think it's a "stress that people have to be burdened by". She's in a long-term relationship and they both have stable jobs and living situations.

I had my first at 25 (planned) and wouldn't change it. The lack of sleep was tough, but it's not like my kids ruined my life or anything! Jeez. And when I'm 45, they'll both be grown up and I'll be able to use my time (and extra money, since we're significantly better off than we were in our 20s) to travel and enjoy life as a couple!

I thought you were going to say 18! I wish I'd had kids in my twenties tbh.

I just can't get past all the negativity. Is that how you felt when you had your daughter? That she was a burden?

This. OP, most peoples experiences do not match this description. Even us "young" mothers. So maybe try to think of it from another less negative perspective.

DD made it her DM's business by telling her. Not sure why people do that now, they never used to, it was a private matter between the couple.

Yabu and you shouldn't let on how you feel.. but... I had my dd at 23 (she is now a teen) and with hindsight I was too young and was completely unprepared for the way my life would change. I suffered severe pnd which went on for about two years (when I put dd in nursery and went back to work full time). I love dd to bits but I found the loss of independence at a time when lots of my friends were still "young" incredibly depressing - and she was a planned baby in a 5 year relationship (I left him when she was 6 months old).

I understand your concerns and I would probably feel the same but you can't say anything. Just let her make her own decisions otherwise she won't forgive you for telling her what to do.

I understand where you're coming from; I'd be upset if my DD wanted to TTC at that age. 23 is young nowadays; it wasn't a generation ago, when most parents had DC in their mid-20's.

I'd be having a conversation along the lives of:

1. does she understand how much childcare costs & can she pay it?
2. Does she have expectations that OP will do unpaid childcare?
3. What does she think of getting married 1st?
4. Is her partner pushing her in to it as he is older & perhaps more ready?
5. Does she have career/travel ambitions?

And to those saying that having DC doesn't end your social/travel life; there are those of us for whom it does! Despite being high earners pre-DC, we have no family to babysit & no money to pay one after exhorbitant childcare costs. Most of my friends are in the same scenario. I have never been so poor in my life!

If DD was 16, I might have agreed - but 23 is fine. I am 45 and still have both 68 year old parents around - and they seemed to make a recent fist of their lives.

It's only in recent decades that children are supposed to arrive 'after' everything else in adult life is supposedly sorted.,

How lovely that your DD confided in you, her very private news.
Please don't spoil this for yourself, say nothing.
23 is not, very young, she is a grown woman.
Imagine how proud you will be, holding your grandchild, imagine how devastated you all would be, if she couldn't conceive, and you'd put your spoke in !

Your daughter has shared some very big news with you, trusted you with it. Your only response should be one of being pleased for her.

I'm quite shocked at your attitude about this really... don't judge her or start lecturing her because she could stop telling you anything ever again if you do. My mum is judgemental; we talk about the weather and her dog... I tell her nothing.

How is it news? "Mum I'm pregnant" is news.

"And to those saying that having DC doesn't end your social/travel life; there are those of us for whom it does! Despite being high earners pre-DC, we have no family to babysit & no money to pay one after exhorbitant childcare costs. Most of my friends are in the same scenario. I have never been so poor in my life!"

This is precisely why I pointed out the possibility of starting up babysitting circles with like-minded parents in the neighbourhood. Doesn't cost a penny.

And travelling, as I said, doesn't have to mean leaving children behind. Children, particularly when small, are very flexible: you can take them on trains or planes or boats or camping in the nearest wood.

I have a 24yr old Dd sometimes i forget she is a grown up adult woman because i see the girl face but take a step back op your dd is an actual adult with her life sorted why not plan for a baby why should she wait ?? to go traveling go out to the pub meet friends blahdeblah.if she feels ready for a family of her own good for her . Fwiw i am 46 with all my baby days behind me no school runs to homework hassles and it is fab your Dd will be able to do things she wants at the other end of patenthood there is no good age to have kids.

YANBU
Friends who had children in their early 20's say they wished they had waited.
I had mine in my 30's and am glad of the life I had before them.

YABU I wish my life was half as together as that when I got pregnant with ds and I was 28. The thing is her life isn't over, I'm a single mum and I still manage the odd night out with my friends, it just takes some coordination with either a good friend or my mum, if she has a partner it's much easier to organise so she will still get to have fun with her friends as well. She sounds like she knows what she wants from life and is smart and sensible in her approach on how to get it.

Having a baby is always a shock that you cannot possibly understand. Even at 40 it's a shock. But folk get on and life goes on
Yabu thought she was going to be 17

cory you still need money for trains, planes & trips abroad. Camping is the only thing we could afford & I bloody hate it!

Appreciate your point about babysitting circles, but my DC are still a bit young for being looked after by strangers. Perhaps at school age it will be an option.

Haven't RTFT but OP, I quite quite genuinely believed that the daughter in your thread title was both very young - 16/17 - and very single

I was 25 when my first was born so around the age your daughter would be. I don't feel burdened I done plenty of things I wanted to between 16 and 25 I was ready to settle. I will be late 40's by the time my youngest is 18 We then have 20 years to live before we retire then our retirment.

I think you maybe have a negitive view of motherhood for me it's 80% great and 20% hard work never a burden.

YABU. Physically 23 is a very good age to start childbearing.

I find your "but it's sooo Young" attitude very patronising. She is a 23 year old woman who you say is mature. She is more than old enough to know her own mind, and old enough to cope with the realities of having children. Children are not just a burden, they are an absolute pleasure too.

I can understand why you may feel the way you feel but it is not your place to make this decision for her. It's her life and only she can decide what will or will not make it better, and she clearly thinks having a baby will make it better. People are ready for dc at different times, in her mind, she sounds like she is ready, and as long as any decision she is making isnt reckless, dangerous etc your role is to just be as supportive as possible :)

Also, she won't listen to what you say anyway and it could make things difficult, Surely that's the last thing you'd want at a time of excitement, with a new child in the family?

Hmm my mum was 23 when I was born. I would encourage her to marry first for legal protection and think about work options in the future - my mum never got back to a full time job and having any money of her own and now has to rely on my Dad and his pension and he's very tight fisted.

MoreProsecco, see your point but if you start up a babysitting circle among the people you know, e.g. from antenatal/baby group they won't be strangers. By the time dd was 1, the mere fact of being her mother had brought me into contact with a range of people whom I trusted and saw every week and regarded as my friends. It can happen.

And travelling can be pretty cheap if you are prepared to rough it a bit.

She's an adult not 12. Let her be happy. YABU.