Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

[Fab40nhy]

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here?

Yes you are being unreasonable. Your daughter is 23 and is a responsible adult. She is not a teenager. She has a stable job, like you said, and in a committed relationship. It is her choice and you shouldn't interfer in that, but support her in her decision.
For the record, I was (1 month off turning) 23 when I had my first born. I loved being a mum. I'm now 32 and have 3 children and have finished my family. I'm glad that I still feel 'young'. There's nothing wrong with being a younger mum and it doesn't mean your life comes to a standstill.

I think you should butt out! Its her life she is an adult , partner and a house its really nothing to do with you.

Just a bit of input here im mid 20's and have been trying for about 2.5 years and so many hospital appointments because my bits arnt working correctly. Trying now means that i have more time for fertility treatment. 1 in 7 couples have problems ... You never know your daughter could be just like me ... Fancy butting in causing problems with your daughter. Quite possibly makeing her feel horrible because she dosent have her mothers approval and leaving it too late... I think you are worried because she is your baby but please do keep in mind it may just be a life line for her to actualy give you a gran child. Dont Judge !

23 is actualy perfect your fertility is apparently at its best (it wasnt for me) and she has the means to support a child. When your daughter is an old lady on her death bed do you really think she will be gratefull for traveling and drinking... or do you think she will be more gratefull of her child being at her side.

It's none of your business, keep your mouth shut.

23 isn't "so very young", she's an adult.

YABU. We're TTC our second, I'm 22. We've still managed the odd night out for drinks, and our weekends away are even more fun now 3 year old DD comes too :)

Talking about marriage would be wise though. We got married in December, after realising that we'd been risking it a bit by not being married all this time! But apart from that, it's her life, and being a parent is bloody brilliant even at a young age :)

23 is really nor that young. A generation or so ago she would have been considered a bit late starting a family. Her partner is a bit older and that is a factor too.

It sound like she has a great set up to me, but you could always ask" how do you feel about your nights out and trips away stopping for a while ". I would have taken that at her age, where as " are you sure young thought this through, it's young to lose your independence ", which would have irritated me no end.

I think the YABUs are unfair:

23 is different depending on who is wearing it, and the OP knows her daughter

I was far too young for motherhood at 23, other 23 year olds have had half a decade of adulting under their belt by 23 but I was very immature

If the OP thinks that 23 is too young for her daughter, maybe it's because it IS too young for HER daughter.

It is young by today's standards and I would expect that the relationship will not last for ever, baby or not. She will change so much as she gets older. But I don't think there's any way you can say that to her without alienating her of course

I got married at 24 but didn't have DD until I was 32. DH is 10 years older than me and an overriding reason for not having more children is his age. Also I do think I would have had more energy if I had had her earlier. Another consideration now is that the youngest grandparent is 69, the oldest 81. They don't do much with her and are now beleaguered with illnesses. Having children younger means more energy and fun with younger grandparents too. Not a thought to be sniffed at.

Gosh, lots of you have incredibly accommodating DC. Ds1 meant an end to enjoyable trips away, an end to enjoyable pub trips, an end to most enjoyable pastimes really (and we did try to make them work. They just didn't). All these tales of fucking marvellous helpful compliant DC make me feel really shit about my own life. I guess that's my problem though.

OP, if your DD wants to have a baby then let her get on with it. It may turn out to be one of the amazing ones mentioned upthread, or it might not - either way you'll do no good and may do harm to your relationship by commenting.

Sorry, just read that back and it's rather bitter. Apologies for any offence caused.

A generation or so ago she would have been considered late to start a family?

Not in the uk she wouldn't have.

Difficult one. I don't think YABU. They're not even married, which leaves her in a very precarious position if they split. She'll no doubt end up as the single parent looking to her mother for practical support, ie, you, therefore definitely making it your business. All seems very doom and gloom, but albeit worse case scenario, it's extremely common and selfishly therefor, I wouldn't be keen on her making you a grandmother yet either.

YABU, she's a fully grown adult and 23 is a fine age to be wanting a child.
Yes some people prefer to leave it till later before they become parents, but it's also not a big deal for people who prefer to do it younger.
I was just turned 25 when I had DS so he'll be off doing his own thing by time I'm 45, I'll then still have plenty of life ahead of me to do what I want; for me it'll hopefully be a bit of travelling.

Also there is the fact that many people find parenting easier when younger as they have more energy etc. My DM had me at 18 but was 36 when she had my youngest DSIS, she says that financially it's easier now as she has a very good job now, however in all other aspects she found it easier when she was younger and parenting myself and second DSIS

I was married at 23 and we tried desperately for a baby but it wasn't to be. I have no doubt that I would have loved to have had a baby then.

As it was I had my first at 29 and my second at 36. I am now 48 and my youngest is 11 and will be at home for many years to come yet.

There are arguments to both sides. I did a lot of partying and festivals etc when I was in my 20's but now I'm older if I'd had my kids younger then I'd be free to do whatever now.

So YABU for saying she's too young. There are loads of people who have their kids at that age and by the time they are my age are basically child free again.

A lot of my peers put off children and buying houses and so on til their 40's (I'm talking about those who had the option just to be clear). Now they have small children and hefty mortgages and no chance of retirement til their mid 70's. I wouldn't switch places with them for anything.

My experience is the opposite of that. Both people in the couple have good established careers with money put aside and a large chunk of their mortgage paid off.

I don't think you should be judging on age.
I got married at 21, and had my DS at 23. I'm now 25 and expecting another DS.
If this is based on age then YABU. If it's based on maturity then YANBU if she isn't mature enough to handle it (however from what you've described she doesn't sound immature).
Also I know you're her mother, but it's honestly not your place to tell her what she can and can't do with her life. She's an adult, and you have to accept her life decisions (regardless of whether or not you agree with them).

And please ignore the moron saying it's none of your business keep your mouth shut?!?
She's your daughter and you have every right to be concerned and offer advice. What a load of rubbish people saying you have no right to do that. It's the way you do it that's important and being able to step back if she doesn't agree.

Perhaps some posters did have compliant dc, LaContessa. Children do differ.

Parents also differ and their perception of what would spoil an enjoyable trip.

Dd could throw mega-tantrums, but it wasn't really something that would have spoiled dh's and my whole holiday or even whole day: tantrums passed and I didn't seem to be particularly sensitive to whining, at least not when I had the chance to get out and do something fun (days stuck in the house with a whining child were different, that I did find tiring).

I had several siblings, including one anxious whiner and one impressive tantrum-thrower (well into school age for the latter and well into his teens for the former). My parents still enjoyed family trips and outings and were very good at steering and distracting their offspring to as to minimise annoyance to anyone else. I rather think they enjoyed the challenge, as other people might enjoy the challenge of climbing a hill or running a marathon. My DM in particular was brilliant at making almost anything seem exciting. Even in her mid-80s she is never happier than when she can cram 17 or 18 of her descendants into her small house and feed us and instruct us and entertain us. Being on her own otoh she can easily sink into gloom and mild depression.

The OP's dd is as yet an unknown quantity in the mothering stakes, as is her dp. They may find it a miserable experience or an enjoyably challenging one or just a not very strenuous one. We can't tell and neither can the OP.

YABU. I was married at 21 and had 2 children by the time I was 23 and I don't regret it. It's her and her partners choice. She is an adult

YANBU for worrying about your daughter but I think I would have been very upset if my dm had interfered in my decision on when to start a family. Dh and I have the same age gap as your daughter and her partner. We got together when I was 21 and he was 30. We had our first dc when I was 26 and it was definitely me pushing to start a family, so don't assume it is his idea as he is older. I am now 46 and dd is 20 and we have a ds of 16 and couldn't be happier. I was very glad to have had my dc when I had the energy for them as I couldn't imagine running round after children now.

As the mother of a 20 year old I do get where you are coming from but your dd does sound very sorted and sounds like she knows what she wants which was exactly what I was like at that age.

Sorry YABVU

I conceived ds1 at 23, gave birth at 24. Had ds2 at 25

My partner is 10 years my senior. At no point did I feel too young to become a mother. We both have good careers, own our home, holiday frequently. We even hire a baby sitter and go on nights out together for drinks / meals.....shock horror!!

Even if we didn't have any of the above, I'd still have had my ds's.

Life for us has just begun.

I'm so fortunate to have supportive parents who were overjoyed when I told them we were ttc. It took us over a year which felt like a lifetime at the time!

I'm sorry, I've not read the thread. But.

When I was 25 I rang my mum rather upset as I'd thought I was pregnant with my then-DH, and it'd turned out I wasn't. My mum told me abruptly she hoped I wasn't sorry as I was far too young.

Since then I have had four miscarriages and have been diagnosed with various fertility problems.

My mum bitterly regrets saying what she said.

YABVVU acting like she is 14 not a grown woman of 23!