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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

390 replies

Fab40nhy · 11/06/2017 15:41

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here? Sad

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 12/06/2017 17:50

And why is the odd night out and the odd night/little trip out of the question because they will have a child? That's what grandparents are for.

Maybe OP doesn't want to do this? After all, many of the posts on here are going on about how amazing post-children life is - she won't be doing much swanning off on amazing travels if she's got to babysit!

I'm very happy for the many people who had children early and enjoyed it, but I do think it's pretty awful to try and scare other women by convincing them they'll face infertility or even risk the child's health if they wait past 25. The comment about having children early in case you get cancer in your 40s is a particularly nasty bit of scaremongering.

Roversandrhodes · 12/06/2017 17:50

YABVU!
It's her life not yours ! She's 23 ,her partner is 32,they have stable jobs,a home together ,have been together 3 years.
It's really none of your business and you should keep your disappointment to yourself imo.As for the rare night out being a distant memory ,don't be so silly!

GahBuggerit · 12/06/2017 17:51

Oh dear, so you ARE going to tell her that having her young pretty much upset your life, albeit casually??

(23 isn't that young when talking about babies tbh, you're talking as if shes 18)

Tryingtoconceive2years · 12/06/2017 17:52

I do think you are maybe underestimating her a little - I was pregnant with DS at 23 and only 4 months into a relationship with DP then - Still going strong 5 years on. (had known him since we were 18)

If they have just brought a home together then it there isn't any sign of a rocky road - have faith!

No matter how old you get you are still going to want some freedom, that is what your there for right?

WhingyNinja · 12/06/2017 17:58

It doesn't really matter what you think, OP. Your daughter is a grown woman who seems to have her shit together and you being negative and telling her children are a burden (she will remember that comment if you say it to her) isn't going to change her mind. I would back off.

LoobysMummy14 · 12/06/2017 17:58

Honestly I wouldn't project your concerns on her, she is obviously happy and not everyone has to get married first they can always do that later. She obviously knows what she wants, it's her and her partner's decision not yours I am afraid
And 23 is not too young I was 22 when I had my first child and now at 25 expecting baby number 2 it hasn't ruined my life. Plus this means I can do everything I want to do when they are grown up and I won't be too old Grin

impossible · 12/06/2017 17:58

With your background I can definitely see why you might be worried for her but her situation at 23 is very much different from yours at 18 and not long out of school. She sounds as though she and her DH are very sorted and chances are she won't be having a baby until she is at least 25.

I wonder if one issue is your own age. You are early 40s and perhaps not inclined to take on more responsibilities. If you have other dcs and they are growing up, now is the time you could think about taking care of yourself, having a few adventures. Perhaps this should prompt you to think about that.

It's a slightly separate issue but perhaps you could discuss your future with your dd. Tell her what you would like out of your life now and if possible make some new plans. That way you will be clear that you may not be around for unlimited childcare and will also perhaps raise the sort of discussion you want to have.

And be very happy for her. Her life will be different from yours whatever happens.

Mombie87 · 12/06/2017 17:59

I can see it from both sides.
This was me 5 years ago. I was 23. Had life sorted with career etc and my partner was 14 years my senior.
I now have a beautiful 4.5 year old DD. My mum said it but I know she had her reservations and she told me a few years after.
Motherhood was not what I expected and o wasn't ready. But we adjusted and got on great.
Plot twist myself and her dad separated
When she was 2. So it got a bit more difficult and yes the age gap had some to do with it.
Either way she will manage and enjoy her new challenge. If you bring it up to her she may not see it's out of concern and feel unsupported. Just be there for her...eveb if it goes tits up. You will have a beautiful grandchild and your daughters life isn't over. I'm not getting married to a wonderful man and we have a beautiful baby girl together also. I know now I wasn't ready as I was ready for this DD if that makes sense. Xx

BLONDIEMUMMY · 12/06/2017 18:00

Yabu. Who's to say it'll come easily. I started ttc at 23 n was almost 27 when my son arrived.

2girls3dogs · 12/06/2017 18:01

I was 23 when me and my partner at the time (now husband) started trying and then quickly got pregnant. We were together 3 years at that point and for us it was definitely the right time. I'm now 31 and happy to have more grown up children at this age. My friends are having babies and I'm at the point of having a bit more freedom.

It is a personal choice for a couple to decide. You just need to be there for your daughter with openness and total acceptance for her choices. Enjoy the excitement of becoming a Nanny when the time comes!! Xx

ElleMcElle · 12/06/2017 18:01

I'm pregnant with my first in my mid/late 30s - that was definitely the right timing for me, as I simply wasn't ready earlier and wasn't even certain I wanted children. In some ways, I'm quite jealous of people who know what they want in their early 20s - I'll probably be in my 60s by the time my kids leave home, whereas starting earlier means you have a new lease of life in your mid 40s.

Rather than talking to her about whether she should have a child now (which is her decision), perhaps you could offer yourself up as a sounding board for any concerns she has. Having children at ANY age comes with different sets of challenges.

Norfolkgirl1 · 12/06/2017 18:02

I had my children at 22, 24, 40 and 41. First time around money was tight and I had a husband who was not helpful, and no other help.. With the last two I had a lovely hands on husband, was financially secure, and also a part time nanny.
Which was easier? Surprisingly it was when I was younger! I had more energy, fewer expectations, and I just got on with it.

If she is ready, and her partner treats her well, is financially solvent, and she loves him, then it really isn't your place to judge. If you suspect he is dominating, controlling or immature I can understand your reservations.

You can't choose how your children live their lives, and your role is to support them in their choices. You may wish to voice your concerns, but she is a grown woman and old enough to make up her own mind.

cherry2727 · 12/06/2017 18:02

Op- YANBU- You are a concerned mom who cares about her daughter's wellbeing , hence why you posted here for advise first and didn't go charging to her! I am 31 and stop appreciate my mom's input into my life decisions.

You will find with questions like this, responses will always be subjective, there isn't a right or wrong answer so there's no harm in speaking to your daughter and letting her know the pros and cons of starting a family at 23. The ultimate decision will be hers of course.

My sis had my niece at 23 and to be honest I wish she hadn't . She wasn't mature enough and she and her ex boyfriend should have gotten to know each other a bit more . She lacks patience with my niece and my working parents have had to play a very strong part ( financially and non financially) in my niece's upbringing- she just wasn't ready .

I had my first at 30 and I must say I'm rather pleased! It's bloody hard work and a lot of sacrifices to my lifestyle !!Dh and I are financially secured and we Felt like we have experienced a lot of exciting and interesting things and were ready ... even then I feel like I could have waited a few more years ! Lol

Your daughter sounds very mature but nothing really prepares you for the outcome of motherhood. Just be open with her but not too forceful.. try not to be bias too .. she might suprsise you and cope really well!

Abbixxx · 12/06/2017 18:06

I'm pregnant at 23, and my DH and I have been together for 6years n married for 1, it will be a change but if my mum told me I was too young, it would push us very far apart as it isn't very supportive of our decisions.

rockcake · 12/06/2017 18:09

I think you're just experiencing the natural worries all mothers have about their grown up children tbh

23 is only young by today's standards and it sounds to me like they're well placed to start a family - there never is a right time, is there, as we all know....

So, reluctantly YABU! Smile

Skylander01 · 12/06/2017 18:16

I had my children late in life because it took me that long to meet the right person. I was 31 when I had my first DD and then my DS four years later. Now I am 50 and exhausted with it all. My DH and I are still together and in love, but he is tired too! My mother wanted me to have babies a lot younger at first, forgetting that I am not her! Whatever happens try and remember to allow your DD to be herself and to follow her own life path. I am certain that when she does have her first child you are going to fall in love all over again and be ecstatic!

bumblebee61 · 12/06/2017 18:16

I have a daughter of 22 and i'd be horrified if she had a child, but your daughter sounds vey sorted and mature, and perhaps ready for the commitment. Everyone is different. I would just want my daughter to live her life and have fun and do all the things she wants to do first. Being a parent is such hard work you need to be really ready. Perhaps she is though. I do understand how you feel.

mum247hey · 12/06/2017 18:25

If she is happy to and not forced I think it is it is ok. I also think the older you get the harder it is to look after children. At that age you have alot more energy and if she wants to start a family at that age there is nothing wrong with it plus its not like she wont be able to work in the future as a new scheme starts from sept onwards I think its 2 or 3 years get free 30 hours childcare. I do think you are worrying abit too much and if she is happy to then support her.

DireStraights · 12/06/2017 18:25

YAB so U i'm questioning authenticity...

Carriecakes80 · 12/06/2017 18:25

YABU! I was married young, and while I sadly lost my partner young too, we never regretted having our first child at 18, second aged 20, 3rd aged 27 and 4th aged 30! The youngest is now 18 himself, and I never once felt I couldn't enjoy my life, or that my life would have been easier without him, and I worked too!

This is your daughters life, with all due respect you must stay out of it, or she will resent you big time! You should have your own life to worry about! Your daughter is 23, leave her be! :-) xxx

Susieangel · 12/06/2017 18:35

Physically she's the perfect age to have children. She is less likely to have fertility problems and her body will be more elastic in labour. When I started as a midwife in the mid 70s most women had babies at her age. Anyone over 30 was considered old. Good luck to her.

ahhhhhwoof · 12/06/2017 18:35

YABU I wish that I'd started trying that early as me and my partner were married by that age (now 10 years) and ended up neededig IVF

SummerMummy88 · 12/06/2017 18:35

She is 23 a great age for a baby, still plenty of energy to run around after a little one, young enough to have more than one child and she has a home with a man you suspect she will marry, also young enough to stay at home with baby and go back to a career. Great! I think you are a little wrong I'm afraid but I understand she's still you little girl and you worry about her.

Violetcharlotte · 12/06/2017 18:37

I can see why you feel the way you do, but it's her life and her decision.
I was 23 when I had my first and at the time I didn't feel I was young at all. It just felt right for me. The pros of having a baby young is that you've got a lot more energy, you tend to be more relaxed and flexible in your outlook on life and you cope better with sleep deprivation. Also it means you're not dealing with teens in your late 40's/50's!

Obviously there are also a lot of benefits to having children later as well, but it's really down to your daughter to decide what's right for her.

TanteJeanne · 12/06/2017 18:38

If they have a good, stable, loving, happy relationship, then I would say let them get on with it! Has DD got experience of looking after babies- perhaps try and engineer some experience for her so she understands the reality?