Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

[Fab40nhy]

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here?

Not leaving children with babysitters from a young age is not good for them or you. It means you will never get away or get out. Some people don't find parenthood stressful but a hell of a lot do and it can be very restrictive in many ways. It doesn't matter to me as I was 34 having my first and my last at 40 but im glad I lived first and have no regrets. 23 in the current climate is quite young . Suggest she get married first and then see how she feels.

Just talk to her gently and frankly and assure her that you don't want to be patronising and you'll support her whatever she does. I'm 31 and pregnant for the first time - like your daughter I very much enjoy a trip away and did enjoy the occasional extremely boozy night out. But I knew in my heart it was time to try. Just listen to her.

I had my first DS when I was 26 , second DS two years later.
Now I'm 34 and honestly I think I would struggle to look after baby and a toddler (my children are 2 years apart), like I did few years ago. I just don't have that stamina anymore.
Work itself makes me incredibly tired but at least my children are 5 and 7 and it's easy peasy now.
I would have honest conversation and asked if that's really what she wants but if she's certain - fair enough. Everyone is different.
I understand where you are coming from though, I am a mum too and just want what's best for my children.

I wouldn't be best pleased either, OP. In your shoes I'd say my peace, once, and then keep schtum.

There is nothing you can say without sounding like the interfering kill-joy that you don't want to be, so keep it zipped.

You DD is being unreasonable for having mentioned it to you though

The only thing you can possibly say to your DD is 'good luck'.

Having said all that, I understand your concerns.
You say they are a lovely couple and it sounds like you do like her partner.
Have they understood the implications of having children together without being married? Rightly or wrongly, marriage gives some security to the woman in particular. Has your DD thought about what it means for her pension entitlement if she take time off to have children??
I think you could have some conversations about the practicalities: who will provide childcare? At what cost? What pram would she like? At what cost? Where would they go on holiday? HOW would they go on holiday? At what cost?? Etc etc - muse out loud.
Tell her that you will always support her, but that you expect their family to function without your input normally (if that is how you want it).

As an aside, I had my DCs v late in life (37 to 44) and wished my life had been such that I could have had them 10 years earlier. Just sayin'. There is no perfect time in life to have DCs IMO.

What if it takes her another 5 years to get pregnant? U are bring very unreasonable x

Gosh I thought you were going to say she was 16. Look she's an adult, she's got to make her own decisions. It's hard whatever age you are, I had my first at 32 and I wonder if I would have had more stamina 10 years earlier!

At 23 I was married, a homeowner, a business owner, DH had good job, no debts and financially stable. I actually had DD1 at 22. After getting married at 21. I'm so glad I had her younger. I think if she is mature etc for her age and in a stable relationship having a baby now is not a bad thing. Yes it's hard but it's hard at any age!

I've been doing the opposite to my son! He's 26, girlfriend is 23. Said do it while you're young and have advantage of youngish grandparents around. He is not keen. Although girlfriend said the other day she wants four children, so perhaps they'd better crack on!
Seriously, it's their decision, my offspring and yours. All we can do is be background support and offer love. They are grown up now. If they ask for advice, we can give it. And then it's up to them to decide on how to crack on with their lives

You are not being unreasonable.
You're her mother and love her like no other human being. Completely agree. Live your life first and then have kids. Sounds like she has the ability to wait a bit longer. They will do what they want in the long run anyway :)

I was only 23 when I had my 1st child and 33 with my youngest. It did not stop me from my career. There are such things as nurseries for young children so she could go back to work if she wanted. They take babies from 6-8 weeks. Don't risk spoiling your relationship with dd instead show her support.

Do you have issues with her partner? Does the age difference bother you? It seems to me she's done a great job of getting her life together so far. Trust her judgement on this one.

Yabu
I was married at 20, first born at 23, now have 3 children, 11 years married and counting! that's not for everyone but it worked for us!

Call me really really old fashioned here, but one thing I would recommend before having a baby is to get married first. Having a baby is a massive life long commitment and it requires stability.

Making some kind of ceremonial commitment to each other and having a really decent marriage preparation guidance will put them in good stead to raise their child as a solid partnership through the ups and downs.

However, I do think 23 is a perfectly healthy age to have children. She will have enough youth and energy to keep up with her children as they run around and keep her up all night and also wisdom and a bit of experience to advise them through life and her partner is certainly old enough to be a good father.

I know plenty of people who have their children when they are in their early twenties and then by the time they hit forty their kids are old enough to look after themselves and their mothers can restart their careers and have loads of freedom for the rest of their lives.

Despite being in my 30s when I had my first child, I can't see a problem with having a baby at a younger age and are in a good position with regard to relationship, finances and career. There are probably advantages to being younger too e.g I bet it is easier to deal with sleepness nights.

YANBU to care, any mum would. But start any convo with the attitude that you know she can choose what's best for her life. I've known ppl had children early & have early menopause in their 20s & others who's children left home by the time they're 40 & having time of their life.
I had my first kid-30s & was full of energy, the second a couple years later & a lot more tired but think that's just having two! I don't know if it makes much difference re:energy. I'm glad I had LOADS of raucous free fun time before having kids & remember it fondly & love my life now equally.
Not a bad idea to get any essential life experiences that'd be difficult with kids out of the way now. But lots possible with kids in tow & kids are the best bit of my life for sure

YANBU I had my children young and although I love them to bits I can see why you are worried. At the end of the day buying a house together does not mean things will not go wrong in the future and a baby is a major life change that even the most experienced and mature people find challenging. There is nothing worse than feeling trapped in a situation you created. Also having a baby doesn't really affect men in the same way. They can still carry on with their lives whilst, the women have to sacrifice their jobs, time and their body for at least 9 months. Just explain your concerns without dictating what you feel she should do. She may be an adult but you will always be her mother.

I'm doing that now Gromit78!. Married at 22, had DCs at 25 and 27 and now I'm 40 and just about to retrain for a new career. DD is 16 this year and it's very liberating. I feel a lot freer that some of my friends still pushing buggies. It's horses for courses of course, but it suited us fine. My mum was disappointed though, I remember her saying that she thought I was going to make something of my life when I announced DD1. That was sad for her but I honestly wouldn't have changed anything.

I totally understand where you're coming from, and agreed 18 must have been hard - impressive that you clearly did so well - but 23 and 18 are very different.

I had kids at 34 and 39, and honestly, it's exhausting beyond belief. One of mine is disabled, too, and while it's in the family, age is also a risk factor.

If she's financially okay, with a lovely man, has done her uni or training and is essentially settled, then she would be 26 or so before the baby arrived, no? Which is an ideal sort of age IMO. She's going to have semi-independent children as she heads into her 40s, whereas a lot of us are still in the early years trenches!

I think there's no such thing as an ideal age. But she will age with the children, so she will have school aged kids in her 30s.

And you're a young Granny - might you be willing to have them for the odd night, so she and her partner can go away? Might his parents? ;)

NOT YOUR OBLIGATION, I hasten to add. But it might even be fun for you - my Mum sees the point of having kids now; it's to get to the grandchildren! Charming, hey.

X-post with bandito.

There's a lot to be said for not getting too materially comfortable and set in your ways before having children. So many friends seem to resent 'losing their freedom' and want to get back to their 'old life' and 'old me'. Your daughter and partner are excitedly looking into the future not resentfully barking back to their past which is SO much healthier.
Good luck to them!

Totally understand you feeling she's too young but she's got a house, a job and sounds sensible and stable. It doesn't matter when you have kids, it's always a big commitment and honestly I think she's doing the right thing. I was married at 22 and all the things your daughter is but didn't feel "ready" for kids. I was 30 when we had our first daughter and I wouldn't say I have regrets but I always advise people who are on the fence or "thinking" of starting a family that sooner is better than later. Less complicated pregnancy and labour (statistically), more time to decide whether to have more kids, more energy to deal with the physical strains. I also think possibly less emotionally and mentally draining as young girls generally don't "stress" as much as us older mum's. I'm not saying this is the case for all but in general it seems this way.

I hate it when OPs don't like the answers and don't post again

Just tell her! She can choose what to do with the advice. My Mum warned me not to have kids before 30 and I really took it on board.

I travelled the world for years, sailed around the world in a yacht, worked on super yachts, became a hostess in Japan, partied hard, found 'the one', got married, bought a house and at 32 knew I was ready. I still miss my life in the Caribbean but at least I know I've lived my life to the full before the baby came and life as I knew it ended.

She may well just get it! You're right to warn her that she'll miss out the best years of her life if she starts a family now.

I was 27 when I had mine, was the youngest out of my antenatal group, and one of the youngest out of my general friend group.

16-20 years on, I think the ones who were in their late 30s or 40+ when they had their babies have done a better job. Seriously.