Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

[Fab40nhy]

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here?

YANBU but broach the subject from a positive angle...what are her plans for childcare, managing on SMP etc.. I waited until 35 and was ready, still miss being able to just get in the car and go somewhere or pop out for a drink etc. couldn't have given up my social life at 23...I partied through my whole 20s and wouldn't change that !

The only thing that would concern me would be her financial security. Perhaps you could gently suggest that a wedding might be best enjoyed without having to watch over a baby/toddler all day, that it might be best planned while it's just the two of them and they can focus on each other?

A 32 year old man who is living with his partner and has children with her, doesn't always feel the need to get married. How often do we read that type of thread on here? It's a subject that could have it's own sub-board really. Marriage might be her best protection if things go wrong at some point. I'd tell her that I was delighted to hear she wanted to try for a baby, but how about a beautiful autumn wedding (or whenever) first? Stress that once babies come along it often gets pushed to the end of the list.

...It might blow your mind even more, but might they be planning to start their family at 23 so that they have time to have at least 4 children, still allowing for delays, breaks between pregnancies etc?

There's a lot to be said for not getting too materially comfortable and set in your ways before having children.

I think that's a good point. For me, the ideal time is balancing that with having done enough unencumbered stuff to scratch whatever itches you have first.

Also agree re discussion of marriage, finances, childcare and work plans etc before doing this... but that's not because your daughter is 23. It's a good idea for any couple who are thinking of TTC.

I was 23 when I had my third and last baby. I think I was too young really with my first two (although I obviously don't regret them), but that was actually a good age. And life has a funny way of working out, because now in my thirties I have health problems that would make having a baby really difficult. I also have amazing older kids who I can really enjoy!

I was thinking of ttc 4 years ago before we were married and mentioned to mum. She advised me to get married first, mainly for financial security. I'm glad I listened.

In the four years since, both my husband and my salary has doubled, so financially we are so much more secure. Also, career wise, I'm a lot more senior as well so my bosses are more invested in having me return to work.

I feel so much more confident in the timing. I am 31 and just had my little one. I think if I had him 4 years ago my career would have completely stalled and it would have taken me years to get here. Whereas now I'm a bit more established and have proven myself, so the hit to my career is less.

Of course work and money is not everything in life, but I always like to have my own income source. You can never rely on a man completely sometimes

I maybe will go against the grain here and say that it was very hard at 21 to have a child. My partner was older too.

YANBU - I wish someone had advised me to have my babies later (I had my first at 29)I wouldn't change them for the world but I would change at what age I had them.

Yanbu, you are looking out for your daughter, that's what mums do.

YANBU. It would bother me if my 23 year old wanted to settle down with kids. Whilst I understand the benefits of having the kids off your hands early, I'd be worried that she was missing out on the freedom afforded to being 23 without ties. That being said, she is an adult and it's her choice. No one understands the incredible joy and sacrifice that motherhood brings until you have your own baby and you're trying to juggle life so I'd think very carefully about how you have a conversation about it.

I'm 23 now, with a 4 year old.
I fell pregnant at 18. I was in a relationship with her dad, we moved out prior to her being born and both in good jobs earning decent money.
Things didn't work out between me and her dad, we mutually split 2 years ago and are good friends so no animosity between us.
Prior to me falling pregnant, I never saw myself with children... now I have her, I don't think I want any more children, but won't rule them out as I'm still young. I still work and have a good job and earn a good wage so I'm secure financially for now.
But if I don't have anymore then I'll be 37 when she turns 18!

My daughter is well mannered, polite and she seems so much older than what she is.

There is no right time to have children. If it's what she wants then it's her choice, just make it clear that there are options and children are extremely hard work and will push her to her limits on occasion.

I had 2 DD's by the time I was 23 both were planned and very much wanted. If she's in a good position like you say surely it's her and her partners decision, having a child changes your lifestyle whatever age you are, the best thing to do is to be supportive my mum (and dad) was for us and she has the best bond with me, my husband and her granddaughters.

I understand where you're coming from and appreciate it, but then again she is an adult and she plans to marry her boyfriend. It sounds like they've got their lives together. I wish I'd met my husband earlier and had our babies earlier (rather than my first at 29, twins at 31 and possibly soon another at 34). I don't have as much energy as I had then. 23 isn't a bad age to be a parent imho.

You're just doing your job as a mother and yanbu. She's too young! Did she go to university? Has she got a career? If so she's way too young and if not it's even worse! Don't be afraid of voice your concerns and experience with her.

I think she utterly mad but that's from my perspective as a Londoner who climbed the corporate ladder in my 20s and early 30s, partied hard, travelled the world, bought a house, got myself financially secure and had the kid in my mid/late 30s. Wouldn't change a thing and if I had my time over I definitely would do the same, i.e. Not have kids in early 20s but everyone is different. If that's what she wants, then it's her choice. So I suppose that objectively yes, yab a bit u even though I agree with you 100%.

I am 45, my kids are 16 and 18, hubby and I happily married for 20 years. In some ways it was hard being a younger Mum and we would have probably been better off financially if we had waited. Have to say though I wouldn't have done it any differently and as a couple we now have lots of time to do things together. You really have to respect what she wants.

Good age to start a family in my opinion but maybe you could convience your daughter to get married first

My DD got married at 19 and had her first child a few weeks before her 21st birthday.

These are not choices I would have made for her, but with her being over 18, they were ones she could and should make for herself.

Yes, I was worried. I did express my worry over her moving in with her now DP, I just said 'Are you really sure this is what you want? You are young for this kind of commitment' She replied that she was sure and I wished her all the best.

He has qualified in his trade, worships my DD and their DD and I cannot fault him. I get to spend one day a week with my DD and GDD.

DD is really happy, Their DD is 17 months old and the light of my life.

It has not been a mistake. They have three supportive sets of Grandparents should they ever want a break but we are only ever called upon for short bits of babysitting. They took DGD abroad with DDs in laws.

I think you need to stop regretting what happened to you at 18 and realise this is your adult DDs active choice!

Sorry, but all these people going: "who would want to be 45 with small kids?" as if 45 was ancient... you've all got a bloody cheek. I'm 45 and have a six year old -- I'm still perfectly healthy and full of energy and manage to work a nearly 60 hour week as well and still go out and enjoy myself. Can we stop talking about people in their 40s as if they were OAPs with false teeth and hip replacements please?

There are a lot of people saying she is 23 and without ties - but she is in a serious long-term relationship, so actually she is pretty unlikely to spontaneously decide to emigrate to follow her dream job or go inter-railing for a year or go on an epic clubbing/drinking/casual sex spree to "make the most of her youth".
Obviously married people do sometimes relocate/travel/go out/etc etc, but they make those choices as a team with their partner, who is a major "tie"! If she is thinking about marriage and babies with her current partner she won't feel the need for any further "playing the field" which she'll miss out on by settling down, she already feels that that stage of her life has been completed and she has found the person she wants to end up with.

How many people are still with the partner they had at 23?

I am. We've been together 13 years and have 3 dc.

crocodile not me! 😂😂😂
Only about 1 or 2 out of 20ish or so friends/family.
Those that got together late teens seem to split late mid/late 20's. Only 1 or 2 still together in 40's/50's.