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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter wants to try for a baby... how can I warn her she's too young without BU?

390 replies

Fab40nhy · 11/06/2017 15:41

My daughter has today told me that her and her partner have decided they would like to start trying for a baby. As thrilled as I would be to become a grandmother, I can't help but feel this has come far too soon as she is just 23. I know that plenty of people have children far earlier, but I feel that this is often not by choice and my daughter is knowingly plunging in to a huge commitment without fully understanding the tremendous impact this baby will have on her life (loss of independence, financial implications, strain on relationship etc). She's a mature girl but does still enjoy the odd night out drinking and trips away with her boyfriend, all of this will be a distant memory.

I wonder whether the idea has come from her partner as he is 32 and perhaps feels as though he is not getting any younger. I don't want to sound like a terrible interfering mother but I do worry and would feel terrible if I didn't warn her. They are a lovely couple, have good jobs, have just bought their first home together after being together for 3 years and I know they plan on getting married. I acknowledge that technically they have the means to afford and care for a baby but I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

AIBU here? Sad

OP posts:
seafoodeatit · 12/06/2017 18:41

YABVU, as for not knowing what the full impact will be, nobody truly ever does until they have children. You're projecting your own views on what their lives will be like and what they will and won't enjoy, I can't think they'd too pleased at any negative comments you make. They're mature adults in a secure relationship with good finances, you really have no justification for making your comments apart from prejudice on age.

AllieBomBally · 12/06/2017 18:42

I do understand where you're coming from, I had dd1 at 22 and though I thought I was ready in hindsight I was too young and I missed out on being carefree when I was young enough to enjoy it without any responsibilities. I had dd2 at 27 and felt much more capable and settled, I then had ds1 at 36 and have found that even better. I agree that at 23 she's old enough to make her own decisions but there's no harm in voicing your concern, my Mum did and I ignored her but that was my choice!

user1488122513 · 12/06/2017 18:42

I think she's perfectly cabable of this decision at 23. Having a baby could really make them so happy and complete. It wouldn't harm though just to ask her about her reasons for it. You could mention about if she's feeling any pressure from anyone and if she wants to get married maybe that would be a good idea first. For me and I was 20 when I had my son, the biggest shock was the change to my body. I found that very hard to deal with. Maybe you can discuss that with her so she feels prepared and let her know you'll be there for her.

DeadDoorpost · 12/06/2017 18:45

Yeah, 23 and pregnant here, husband is 28. If she wants to try then let her! And the fact they have bought a house shows commitment and financial stability, which is more than I can say (I've just finished uni so I can't work until at least a year or so and husband is training atm).

doryella · 12/06/2017 18:45

Sorry havnt read all the answers but just want to add iam a mother of 1 at 28... i was so ready at 17 to start making a home for myself i had a loving sporting partner yes 8 yrs older then me but we had problems with conceiving. So let her do start her life and support her. If she want a night out then the father is there or am sure you would love to 1-1time with ur grandchild. Maybe have a talk with her and tell her what u think.

LubiLooLoo · 12/06/2017 18:45

Where I think interfering is a bad idea, I do understand! I was 27 when I conceived, and juggling a career, new marriage and a baby is hard work! In a perfect world my DS would have come along a year or 2 after I got married so I could enjoy a honey moon period. Having said that, life wouldn't be complete without him now, and those sun soked holidays are missed but are nothing in comparison to the joy the little man brings.

I think it's normal to be concerned, but if you are in a place to help her out, I wouldn't say anything but just that, you are there to help.

As for those saying you can do it all and have a baby, they must be super heros, because I've managed about 3 nights away from DS since he was born. Evening meals and such are fine untill he walks and can't sleep in his pram anymore.

She sounds like a smart lady, I'm sure she knows the implications.

Good luck!

user1490617035 · 12/06/2017 18:46

I can understand your concerns as her mother really I do but as mother's we cannot do any more than respect our adult child's choice and there is no reason you cannot politely mention your concerns but make sure she knows your support her emotionally what ever she and her partner decide ,ultimately it's their decision . The ages of 23 and 32 are good ages and no one can guarantee the right time Smile

Suze1621 · 12/06/2017 18:46

YABVVU - she is 23 and a grown woman!

jessebuni · 12/06/2017 18:51

YANBU to feel this way as I imagine no mother wants their daughter to be unprepared or lose their freedom etc. But... YABU if you actually tell her this. By all means you can talk to her and nicely ask if she's one hundred percent ready but beyond that it's her call to make. She 23 and has a good job and her own home and a nice partner so you've done a great job but now it's her turn. She's grown up and ready to build her own family. There's no reason she can't still occasionally go out, it will just require a lot more planning in future. I was 20 when I had DS and 23 when I had DD my husband and I have now been together 11 years, the ride hasn't always been easy but overall we're very happy. DD is now nearing the end of her first year in school and I actually feel quite glad that I'm going to be young enough to still enjoy life when my kids do leave the nest and hopefully be a young enough grandma to play with my grandkids plenty when the day comes when they're all grown up.

miniplaty · 12/06/2017 18:52

I think 23 is way too young. Children are such a huge commitment and they take over your life, as you well know so I can fully understand your concern. Not sure how you'd go about it though, the last thing you want is to come across as interfering. Maybe just tell her she has plenty of time and could wait a couple of years?

AnathemaPulsifer · 12/06/2017 18:55

I just feel disappointed at the prospect that they will not be able to enjoy these exciting times together without the potential burden of a new born baby so very soon when there is so much left in her life to experience and enjoy.

You do get that she may see starting her family as exciting and enjoyable?

expatinscotland · 12/06/2017 18:56

YABU

cherish123 · 12/06/2017 18:57

YANBU. You are concerned because you are her mother. I was still a child at 23 and now young people are even more so. Unless she is earning mega bucks, it is likely she has not established herself in a career and will, therefore, not be financially stable etc. However, if you tell her this, it might make her more determined to do it. I probably would not say anything. You never know - she might decide herself she is not ready.

Aibe · 12/06/2017 18:59

Your being very unreasonable. I have recently had a baby and I'm 22. Having a baby doesn't mean you can't do anything. We still go to our friends or they come here and we are taking him on holiday in a few months too.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 12/06/2017 19:02

I had DS1 when I was 23, after trying for two years. My mother helpfully told me how disastrous it would be, how DC ruin any semblance of fun forever more. Which made me feel wonderful as one of her children! She did it again when I was having DC3, telling me how having two was enough and the third one only ruins the scraps of happiness that are left after having the first two... I am her third child.

Don't be the voice of doom when you address your DD!

Var1234 · 12/06/2017 19:06

I'd feel exactly the same, OP. Your Dd will never know the freedom and fun she could have in her 20s if she has a baby now. Also, people change and grow up. I wonder what the statistics are for relationships that started so young lasting? Maybe if she waited until she was married?

However, you can't interfere. She is a grown up and at some point she has to have complete responsibility for her choices, even if they turn out to be bad ones.

Kithulu · 12/06/2017 19:07

Be very careful what you say to her as you kinda make it sound like having her ruined your life....Hmm

Brocks1981 · 12/06/2017 19:12

Seriously she is 23 and "Too Young" what do you prefer, she wait till 30-40 and more at risk of complications. I had my son at 35 and nearly died through it, I had no serious health problems before preganancy, but because of my age I ended up having to massive Pulmonary Embolisms, A stroke, Septicemia and now Im in a wheelchair due to chronic pelvic pain. I used to sit there n say I was too young myself, although I noe have a smashing little boy, I wouldnt wish it on.anyone and would always recommend trying early if possible. 23 is a pretty good age if anything, in fact some would say that was late. But yes I eould agree 16-17-18 maybe a bit early bbut 21+ as long as they want a child and have the ability to look after them and love them then they definatly are not too old. You push her tot hold off till later and there is much more risk of miscarriages, still birth, and other problems, possibly worse. The best years for child bearing are the 20's seriousky defo BU

CSUK · 12/06/2017 19:14

I am a 35 year old single Dad to an amazing little 3 year old. His mother is now 27 having had a bit of a breakdown and post natal depression torn our happy little family apart because she wanted time and space and felt like she was too young and still wanted to see other people. It's been devastating. So all these people telling you you are interfering, I wish her mother had have asked the difficult questions then. My little man is everything to me, but I definitely CAN see why a Mother's interference can prevent a lot of future heartache.

septembersunshine · 12/06/2017 19:19

But remember this, what is they have trouble conceiving for whatever reason. She is in her early twenties but it might take a while. You don't know you will have trouble until you try (this is the tricky part). My auntie was 7 years trying for my cousins! Imagine saying, no don't do it and then she finds out she has difficulties in her 30's - she won't forgive you for putting her off. At least when you are young you have time to try everything!

This is her life btw. Maybe having a baby will complete her, make her even more happy. And anyway, 23 isn't even that young. It's a great age to start a family! I was 26, so not too far away. Give your daughter a huge hug and say you are excited and really pleased for them.

BrainSurgeon · 12/06/2017 19:20

Having all that you describe plus the desire to have a baby at the age of 23 is, in my book, absolutely wonderful.

I would encourage you to try and see the (many) positive aspects OP. Being a young mum often means you can enjoy your kids and have fun with them too!

Brocks1981 · 12/06/2017 19:23

Seriously she is 23 and "Too Young" what do you prefer, she wait till 30-40 and more at risk of complications. I had my son at 35 and nearly died through it, I had no serious health problems before preganancy, but because of my age I ended up having to massive Pulmonary Embolisms, A stroke, Septicemia and now Im in a wheelchair due to chronic pelvic pain. I used to sit there n say I was too young myself, although I noe have a smashing little boy, I wouldnt wish it on.anyone and would always recommend trying early if possible. 23 is a pretty good age if anything, in fact some would say that was late. But yes I eould agree 16-17-18 maybe a bit early bbut 21+ as long as they want a child and have the ability to look after them and love them then they definatly are not too old. You push her tot hold off till later and there is much more risk of miscarriages, still birth, and other problems, possibly worse. The best years for child bearing are the 20's seriousky defo BU

dorisdog · 12/06/2017 19:24

Awww, I don't want to say YBU as everyone is piling on, and I can understand your worry. But, it's her life. And it'll be fine. (Well as fine as anyone is bringing up a baby!)

spankhurst · 12/06/2017 19:26

I had my only child at 36 and was absolutely KNACKERED for about 4 years. There's a lot to be said for having them at the peak of your physical fitness. If she's happy and can support her family, I can't see a problem, although i understand your concerns.

hocking123 · 12/06/2017 19:27

My mum said 'don't be so stupid' when I told her I was broody at 20. I got pregnant anyway but resented her lack of support. It will be hard for her at any age