Elmlea Husband strikes again!

[ElinorRigby]

I posted a few days back about my husband, who was given a shopping list with 'cream' and 'orange juice cartons' on it. He returned with a) Elmlea and b) cartons of orange squash - despite the fact that both of us always have real cream and pure fruit juices.

We had a conversation in which I said if the shop did not stock the products on the list, it was better to return empty-handed.

I asked him to take the squash back and he did so, telling me he'd now go some apple juice in exchange. (In fact he had got multivitamin fruit and carrot juice.)

Yesterday the handle of our smaller bucket snapped. We have one heavy duty bucket - the kind used for outdoor jobs - and the smaller bucket that I use for soaking and handwashing. I said 'Could you get me a small 8 litre bucket while you're out.'

He returned saying he had had to look everywhere in order to find a small bucket. He then showed me quite a large bucket with a label on the side saying '13 litre capacity.'

I said, 'This is too big.'
He said, There weren't any small ones. I went to lots of shops.'
I said, 'Did you get a receipt'
He said, 'No.'

I took the 13 litre bucket back intending to ask for a refund and then order one of the right size from Asda Click and Collect. But the woman at the shop said, 'We do have smaller buckets'. So, because she was being helpful, I got a 7 litre one from the display at the front of the shop.

Is this a '3 strikes and he's out' situation?

[deecrepid]

I would go for online supermarket delivery!

[Emboo19]

I would go for online supermarket delivery! Yes, but tick no substitutes, otherwise you get someone else, choosing a different item if yours isn't available!

[alexandelisiane]

Could have been worse...

DH goes out
DH dies in tragic accident
DW spends forever regretting wasting so much of her life writing this drivel and not appreciating her family instead.

[Anotheroneofthese]

I think the OP sounds horrible to live with. Lacking in confidence and resorting to belittling others to feel a fleeting sense of superiority.

The OP's husband sounds like he is well and truly under her thumb. He is controlled to the nth degree.

[LagunaBubbles]

Pam you sound very angry that your husband died

What a horrible repsonse to Pams post, the whole tone of the post that you put on is very glib.

[senua]

DH goes out
DH dies in tragic accident
DW spends forever regretting wasting so much of her life writing this drivel and not appreciating her family instead.

What about DW dies. DH spends forever regretting that he made her life a misery by not listening to her wants and needs, to the extent that he was unwilling to even follow a simple shopping list.

How is it 'controlling' to expect that if you ask a person to buy X then they don't come back with Y. Repeatedly.

[TheFirstMrsDV]

I think if I was living with someone who talked to me and about me the way the OP does her OH I would be prone to anxiety.
Anxiety affects the memory and decision making.

Or does that only apply to women? Are men immune from that sort of reaction?

[MackerelOfFact]

Meh. It's the other way round in this house. DP does the vast majority of the cooking, shopping and meal planning and I am often dispatched to acquire missing items, which can be quite specific.

TBH if I return home with the wrong thing it's either because a) I preferred the thing I got, b) they didn't have the correct thing or c) the instructions weren't clear enough (such as the time I was asked to see if the shop sold 'ice bags' - which I interpreted as ice cube bags, rather than bags of ice).

There's no fucking way I'd return the wrong item.

[FatGirlWithChocolate]

I sent hubster out for self raising wholemeal flour yesterday..I wrote him a note explaining that it wasn't bread flour I wanted and that it should come in a smaller packet...we had a conversation whereby I warned him about the danger of becoming a mumsnet thread aka ElmleaHusband should he return with the wrong flour. He came back with the right one..I may be on to something here ;)

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Why does the op get to dictate specifics? Why can't the poor husband be allowed to select an alternative? Many people choose alternatives. And don't say because he wouldn't eat/drink it, that's the ops assumption only, he wouldn't have chose it if he knew nobody would consume it!

Perfectly normal.

Op, on the other hand, sounds abusive

[ComputerUserNotTrained]

Late to the party, but I'm genuinely gobsmacked by Elinor's response to Pam

[tiba]

I've never bought Elmlea before as I'm not a fan of cream but I never would have guessed it wasn't real cream.

I've learnt my something new for today

[senua]

Why can't the poor husband be allowed to select an alternative?

Discuss it upfront then. Don't agree to buy item X and then buy item Y instead. At the very least he should phone up and communicate if there was a problem.

[BazookaJoe90]

When I'm out shopping and my wife has asked me to get something specific, if it's out of stock I now take a photo of the empty shelf and the label, as for years she never believed me and thought I was just being forgetful!

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Really Senua do women phone their husbands from the supermarket to discuss available products or check if it's ok to buy something? Do they hell!

I hate the attitude towards men on Mumsnet

[TheFirstMrsDV]

I can't even begin to imagine what I would do/say if I got 'told off' for bringing the wrong size bucket home by my DH.

If I was relying on someone to bring home a vital item I would get annoyed if they bought home something totally different just because they cba.
But a fucking bucket and some cream?

[teacups83]

You sound fun!

[pam290358]

'Pam while allowing my domestic situation to annoy you may - in the short term - provide some sort of outlet for the problems caused by bereavement, you clearly do need some sort of real-life support
I have had dealings with Cruse after a bereavement, and though I had to wait for a while before getting help, I found them enormously skilful and understanding. As a voluntary agency they can be very overstretched. Perhaps your GP - or the hospital where your husband died - may be able to suggest other sources of help.'

Thank you for these suggestions ElinorRigby. My GP gave me the number for Cruse even though she thinks it's way too early for counselling to help as the grief is too raw. She suggested I register with them as in this area there is not very much support of this type and it takes a very long time to get an appointment - as evidenced by my last post - and by then I may be ready. In the meantime my GP and others at the surgery are providing support because of my personal situation. I'm sorry if you think that being annoyed at your domestic situation is an 'outlet' for the problems caused by my bereavement, as it was intended to be anything but. I am 59 and was born with Spina Bifida which restricted my mobility and I have been in a wheelchair more or less permanently for the last two years after complications. It took me a long time to accept the situation and to accept that I was now dependent on the chair. Things were just getting easier for us and I was gaining some independence when this happened and I lost my husband within the space of 12 short days.

Your post was anything but an 'outlet' for grief fuelled annoyance. It didn't come across as light hearted - as other posters have pointed out, and the 'three strikes and you're out' comment genuinely concerned me, as over the years I have seen friends in relationships split up over the smallest things which have blown up out of all proportion. My original post was a genuine attempt to draw attention to the way in which life turns on a sixpence and that we can't take anything for granted - I never will, ever again.

My husband was the love of my life, my rock and my best friend. He was also my carer, and took on all aspects of my disability with his eyes wide open - because he loved me, he didn't think twice and although we had some pretty rough times over the years after various surgeries and other setbacks, he never complained. I was never easy to live with, but, he supported me 100%, and he enabled me to have something approaching a 'normal' life.

I have enough life experience to know that in time I will learn to live with the loss and that eventually I will begin to rebuild my life. I have good support both at home and from NHS sources and although I know it will be hard, and I may not be able to cope at the moment, I will eventually be able to face what's ahead - hopefully with my memories and my hubby's spirit supporting me along the way. Just setting the record straight as I wouldn't want anyone to think I was unsupported or floundering with my grief. I'm doing OK for now on an unwanted journey thrown at me out of the blue, and I certainly wasn't just using your post to 'vent'. Obviously my intentions were misconstrued. Apologies.

[MerchantofVenice]

Weirdest thing about this thread? That people were unable to see that OP was not being 100% serious. Are we that thick on MN that we need a big 'lighthearted' alert before we can spot that someone venting about a husband's lacklustre domestic performance is at least partly tongue-in-cheek??

Loads of men are incompetent shoppers and incompetent at basic domestic stuff because they don't see it as important, and they know there is some mug who'll pick up the slack. Apologies to the many men who aren't like that - but it is A Thing. Sounds like OP's husband is like that and it's irritating her.

Am aghast at all the 'Do your own shopping!' It's not her shopping! It's the family shopping. Ffs.

Someone said they wouldn't expect to be 'told off' for getting the wrong thing... What would you expect? Thanks? Would you not expect the fact that it's the wrong thing even to be mentioned?? That's bizarre.

As for the 'you can fit 8 litres in a 13 litre bucket' brigade... Well, yes, you can - but OP said they already had a big bucket so presumably they didn't need another one the same. Your line of argument seems to rely on the idea that OP is some sort of bucket expert and the husband cannot possibly have any idea a) what buckets they as a household own and b) what possible use the new bucket might serve. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that a normally intelligent human adult could work out that if they new bucket was for laundry purposes, a 7 litre would serve about as well as an 8 litre. Unless of course the 'poor bloke' doesn't understand about buckets, water and laundry, and doesn't have any idea what the bucket that broke looked like or was for - because, you know, all that tedious domestica isn't his business.

Honestly, this thread is just more proof that MNetters will go out of their way to make an OP unreasonable when she's nothing of the sort. What's depressing is that I made a virtually identical point on the recent 'park worker' thread. There are some awful people on AIBU.

[TheFirstMrsDV]

merchant this thread was irritatingly twee until she responded to Pam.
That and subsequent posts changed the tone of her OP tbh.

[MerchantofVenice]

Disclaimer:
Pam, my post was in no way directed to you. You have my sincere sympathies. No one has the right to tell you how to deal with your grief. If joining in this discussion helps (and no one can deny you have a point regarding not sweating the small stuff) then of course do that.

I think some of us sort of quite like sweating the small stuff and venting about it though... I love my husband dearly but his hopeless approach to some tasks drives me completely bonkers. And sometimes I feel it does show a lack of care/respect on a spouse's part if they continually, day in day out, fail in easy, domestic duties.

[MerchantofVenice]

Is that right, MrsDV? Can you elaborate? I'm not sure which subsequent posts you mean. I know OP's initial response to Pam didn't go down well... but I'm going to cut OP some slack on that; it can be hard to say the right thing to someone who is heartbroken and grieving, even in a 'normal' conversation, but surely it's even harder when the bereaved has sort of confronted you and told you that you can't really be annoyed about anything minor because you are not bereaved. I'm not blaming Pam - I'm just saying OP was put in a v tricky position on what started as a fairly light hearted thread.

[Obviouspretzel]

You are not harsh at all. Pay attention for fuck sake! Elmlea is vile. Dilute is not orange juice, in any sense of the word. Even if you call squash juice at home, when written down as orange juice how could there be any confusion?

[TheFirstMrsDV]

What do you mean by elaborate?
The initial response was shocking and she carried on with her next post.
That put her OP into a different context.
She comes across as a woman who has little idea how to treat other people.

Pam's post was heartfelt but it wasn't outrageous. OP's reply was far more than a 'caught on the hop' response and her later post proved it.

It was patronising and passive aggressive. We all know what 'you sound angry' is a shut down phrase.

Then to advise her to get help ffs.

I don't know why you would defend her.

[Sapiosexual]

Wait, Elmlea is not actually cream? What the fuck is it then and why does it say cream on the tub?