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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What are the logistics of cancelling a wedding?

542 replies

RestlessTraveller · 10/06/2017 08:52

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. I'm chief bridesmaid for my best friend TODAY, AND SHE's just decided she can't go through with it. We're in a hotel,both of the families are here as well as quite a few of the guests. Apparently drowning myself in prosecco is not an option, so I need practical advice.

OP posts:

FluffyWhiteTowels · 10/06/2017 09:51

Is there a honeymoon that needs to be cancelled? Not sure if insurance covers bride changing her mind though. Can you phone and find out how to change name and the cost in case anyone else wants to take the holiday? At least the logistics for it will be planned

Babbitywabbit · 10/06/2017 09:52

Bloody hell. Nothing brave about the bride... she's clearly calmly thought this through, so why not pull the plug at an earlier stage? Allowing all the build up, guests going to great expense no doubt with travel, gifts... not to mention totally devastating for the groom.

You've had good advice about the practicalities.

The groom has had a lucky escape- hope he can see that soon

Elipsical · 10/06/2017 09:52

I also called off a wedding but did it over 6 months before. What a selfish thing to do to leave it until the day. Poor groom.

BillSykesDog · 10/06/2017 09:52

Can you imagine anything more humiliating than gathering all of a persons nearest and dearest in to one place where they're supposed to be having the happiest day of their life then publicly rejecting them? In front of every single person they care about? And apparently not for much reason either? Unless they've done something really wrong there is never an excuse for treating someone like this. Waiting until the morning of the wedding is horrendous. She must have had months to think about this.

It's typical fucking MN anyway. If a bloke did this to a woman he'd be called a total bastard and she'd get masses of sympathy but because it's a woman doing it she's all brave and amazing.

It's a horrible, horrible thing to do to anybody. My relative came pretty close to suicide and it permanently changed his character and he doesn't really trust people anymore. It's not brave or admirable. She's not the one who's going to be humiliated.

MimsyBorogroves · 10/06/2017 09:52

Wow. At least she has gone to tell him. I hope both of them are okay.

Stormwhale · 10/06/2017 09:53

I really feel for the groom and all of those on this thread who have felt the humiliation this woman is going to cause her fiance. Poor poor man.

Original poster

RestlessTraveller · 10/06/2017 09:53

And still waiting. Thanks for all the advice. I'm truly sorry for those of you who have shared your stories on here, for you all, but I'm not going to go into the emotional side on here, today is about practicalities.

Those of you have given practical advice thank you I've been compiling a to do list on the back of all your help.

And she paid for the entire thing so she's very aware of how much money has been wasted.

OP posts:

Birdsbeesandtrees · 10/06/2017 09:54

I do actually know a bloke that did this. I felt very sorry for him and his wife to be as well. He was having the wedding overseas and everyone had flown to be there.

I admit having never been in this situation I don't know what the kindest thing to do is. I'm not sure there even is one.

I can't imagine how awful it must feel to be told on your wedding day or even afterwards thinking it was the happiest day of your life only to find out it was all a lie.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 10/06/2017 09:56

Posters as the OP pointed out. She asked for practicalities of what she needed to do ... can imagine she's as stunned as everyone and needs to pick up the pieces and cancel everything as well as being there for her friend.

What she didn't ask for but is getting in bucket loads is how nasty her friend is

PLEASE EVERYONE read the original post. Let's be there for the OP. It's not the bride who has posted.

AyeAmarok · 10/06/2017 09:57

It could be anything, she could be a total noncommittal selfish horror, or he could be treating her terribly.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 10/06/2017 09:57

One practical thing could be firefighting and keeping people apart who could get emotional and cause ructions. Obviously there will be massive fall out, but keeping people apart today will give everyone a chance to calm down and think things over first.

Can you call the caterers first/the hotel kitchen to avoid food waste? Or minimise it at least? If it's already been made donate it to a homeless shelter/food bank?

Topuptheglass · 10/06/2017 09:57

Your poor friend - it will here taken some guts to make this decision today!

I hope it all works out for her.

allegretto · 10/06/2017 09:58

I also called off a wedding but did it over 6 months before.

6 months before is fine. The actual day really is not.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/06/2017 09:58

I agree with bill

I also think that she shouldn't be allowed to hide or run from this.

Thisis her shit storm she should be dealing with the fall out.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 10/06/2017 09:59

OP any friends travelling a long distance. Can you tell them not to set off just yet without revealing why. Or at least make sure they have phones on

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2017 10:01

I don't think there's any way of warning people not to set off etc without starting gossip which will be really unhelpful if the bride changes her mind.

Babbitywabbit · 10/06/2017 10:02

The OP has had the practical advice fluffy. She can stop reading the thread if it's upsetting her... in fact I'd be surprised if she's got the time to return to it.

You can't expect someone to post an incident like that and for people not to discuss it and reflect on their own experiences.

I also think BillSykesDog has a point... if the genders were reversed I bet there'd be unanimous condemnation of the groom for being such a bastard. Being MN, it took a while for anyone to actually point out how heartless the bride has been. She's even been described as brave. Brave would have been having the integrity to go with her feelings earlier in the process. Not to wait til the morning of the wedding

BewareOfDragons · 10/06/2017 10:03

No one should get married if they don't want to be married.

Yes, leaving it until the day of the wedding will be selfish/cruel in many cases, but I genuinely believe that a lot of people wake up on the morning of their wedding and really don't understand how they got there. The doubts, the niggles, the dragging feet ... all pushed aside by themselves and their friends and families as 'nerves', 'cold feet', told 'it's nothing, you'll be fine', told 'but you love him/her' ... the wedding train really does drag people along with it. I don't think people mean to get to this point and pull out at the last minute maliciously.

I hope you're able to help sort out the day if it doesn't go ahead, OP.
I imagine neither the bride nor groom are going to be very happy at this point.

And would anyone really, truly want to still get married if your spouse to be just told you they truly didn't want to go through with it? That they weren't ready? That they didn't want to be married? Knowing you would be immediately filing for an annulment or divorcing in the very near future?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 10/06/2017 10:03

is it a big mega wedding? It''s going to be very difficult to contact everyone if so

what a drama!

Original poster

RestlessTraveller · 10/06/2017 10:04

Ok she's back and just nipped to the loo. It's still off, she's very calm. Won't say much about the conversation with the groom, but after she had told him she went and spoke to his parents also so he has support. She's about to go and speak with her parents and I'm about to start ringing people.

Thank you everyone for your help.

OP posts:

muckypup73 · 10/06/2017 10:06

I feel sorry for the poor guy, she has obviously had doubts before now, I do think its quite cruel to actually leave it till today. I hope they are both ok.

sonjadog · 10/06/2017 10:07

It is a horrible thing to do, but I would imagine it isn´t a decision she has taken lightly. A friend of mine was married for five days. He married the woman whom he had a child with and lived with for years. Five days after the wedding, she turned around and said she didn´t love him, was moving out and wanted a divorce. It caused my friend and immense amount of pain and I don´t think he will ever really get over it. But I think it must have been very difficult for her too. She must have known she didn´t want to marry him before, but maybe she felt unable to stop the wedding? I don´t know as I haven´t spoken to her since. But she wasn´t a bad person and I still don´t think she is. She got herself into a very difficult situation and didn´t have the strength to stop it. With hindsight, I think it would have been better if she had stopped the wedding before it had happened, even if it had been right before.

MrsDilligaf · 10/06/2017 10:07

Hope you are okay. You must feel overwhelmed as well. Don't be surprised if you end up a sobbing wreck at some point in the coming hours.

Look after yourself as well as the your friends.

IggyAce · 10/06/2017 10:09

You're a good friend, just support her it might be easier if you can get her away from the hotel (hotel will have a service route so she doesn't need to see anyone). If the whole wedding is taking place at the hotel there will be an events coordinator assigned to the wedding, speak with them and they will contact all vendors. Since catering has been paid for have them arrange some food and drinks for those guests that are already at the hotel and for any guests no one can ccontact in time.

ProudBadMum · 10/06/2017 10:10

It's typical fucking MN anyway. If a bloke did this to a woman he'd be called a total bastard and she'd get masses of sympathy but because it's a woman doing it she's all brave and amazing

bill I totally agree with everything you have said.

OP you are a good friend for helping her but I don't think I could.

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