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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What are the logistics of cancelling a wedding?

542 replies

RestlessTraveller · 10/06/2017 08:52

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. I'm chief bridesmaid for my best friend TODAY, AND SHE's just decided she can't go through with it. We're in a hotel,both of the families are here as well as quite a few of the guests. Apparently drowning myself in prosecco is not an option, so I need practical advice.

OP posts:
GiGiraffe · 10/06/2017 09:23

Practical steps:

  1. is there a wedding planner? If yes - leave logistics to her, if no go and speak to the hotel and ask for their event planner to help contact guests, registrar etc. Rope in any other bridesmaids to make calls
  2. Is there a master guest list the bride used to table plan? If yes you can probably use her phone to contact people by matching names if no then the hotel again might be able to provide a list of rooms allocated to the wedding and you can contact people that way.
  3. Decide what you are going to say - keep it short and factual, don't answer questions: something like: "unfortunately the wedding won't be going ahead today, I have very little information but brides name and grooms name have asked me to contact you to let you know. Please give them sometime and I'm sure xxs family will be in touch"

It sure if that's helpful!

Original poster
RestlessTraveller · 10/06/2017 09:24

She chose New York because we have a mutual friend over there (who couldn't get time off to go to the wedding) we've both been over there lot's of times. Friend lives in the absolute middle of nowhere so a great place to relax.

OP posts:
BlondeB83 · 10/06/2017 09:24

Spiney your advice is spot on.

buzzmoon · 10/06/2017 09:25

She's very brave, good luck.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 10/06/2017 09:25

I would agree with make sure the wedding party and guests who have travelled (and spent money coming!) still at least get a meal today if they're still there. If the groom is basically an ok sort then he needs to be kept well since he'll probably be in or go into shock- enough to eat, someone with him etc. Probably that person isn't you but you might know who would be best to approach?

GiGiraffe · 10/06/2017 09:25

Also, are there other suppliers you need to contact? Florists, car, toastmaster, disco?? Just trying to think who else other guests do you need to give a heads up to..

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2017 09:25

This is very identifying if you know the friend.

Chillyegg · 10/06/2017 09:27

Oh god. Im worried ill be in your position in a few months op. I have my thoughts on if my bff will go through with her wedding

JaneEyre70 · 10/06/2017 09:29

OMG what an awful position for you to be in. I'd have a glass or two to calm your nerves tbh, and to give you some dutch courage to face the fall out. This isn't going to be a good day for anyone Sad. Poor guy...........

BewareOfDragons · 10/06/2017 09:30

Wow.

It's amazing how wedding planning can take on a life of its own. I think a lot of people find themselves, on the day, wondering how they got there. And I think some people genuinely realize, yes, rather late, that they really, really aren't ready to be married for whatever reason.

Maybe they felt pushed into it by their spouse to be
Maybe they felt pushed into it by their family.
Maybe they felt the pressure of their age/all their friends getting married.
Maybe they really were bullied into it.
Maybe they realized they didn't want to be married to the person they were tying themselves to.
And maybe, like your friend, they just don't want to be married at this point in their lives.

Hard, yes. But still better to call it off before legally tying themselves together. I hope they can do it somewhat amicably and sort out the mess together.

Your friend will need you today.

daisychainagain · 10/06/2017 09:30

I think I'd probably start packing stuff up if you are in a hotel. Not too sure what I'd do to be honest.
Just be a good friend to her and help her through this.

allegretto · 10/06/2017 09:32

Is she splitting up with the groom or she just doesn't want to be married but wants to stay with him? If it's the latter, I would wait until she gets back from speaking to him, because he might persuade her to change her mind.

blueskyinmarch · 10/06/2017 09:32

At least your friend, once she made up her mind, has the decency to go and speak to the groom by herself and not leave that to you to do. I think you have to think about it rationally and realise that no-one has died and with she and the groom will get over it eventually and move on. Yes, they will have lost money but better that than a lifetime of sorrow and regret.

You sound like a good friend who is ready to step in and do what is needed. I just hope the family don’t make a massive fuss and deal with it with dignity.

EricNorthmanIsMine · 10/06/2017 09:32

This happened to a friend of my ex (before i knew him) and the bride decided on the way to church that she didn't want to go through with the wedding. Her Dad had to go into the church and tell the groom and vicar that she wouldn't be coming. From what I could gather there had been signs leading up to the wedding but it had been put down to jitters and pre wedding nerves

As it was, it was probably for the best as the wedding would likely not have lasted but at the time I'm sure it was a very stressful day. As best man my ex helped the groom and both families let the evening guests know that the reception was cancelled and inform the caterers, venue and dj. They lost all the money they had paid but didn't want to go ahead with the evening reception in the circumstances as they were so shellshocked

I hope you are OK and you get help from the families to get stuff sorted and cancelled as needed today

Birdsbeesandtrees · 10/06/2017 09:33

Really small but consider what will happen to the food. If it's already paid for it might be possible to donate it all to a homeless shelter or something.

Other than that I don't have any practical advice but I second whoever set get the bride away to a different hotel so she can think/ relax/ whatever in peace without all and sundry turning up.

Theyhaveallbeenused2 · 10/06/2017 09:33

Oh dear..

BillSykesDog · 10/06/2017 09:34

This happened in my family and it utterly destroyed the groom.

I don't think she's brave. I think she's an attention seeking bitch who's had plenty of time to change her mind and let him down with a bit of dignity but has waited until the last minute to wring maximum drama out of it and maximum humiliation for him. Flying off to New York, what a fucking drama queen. Does she think she's Carrie Bradshaw?

On the off chance that I'm wrong and she actually has a shred of decency, she should take responsibility that she has caused this shit show and take charge of the practical side, e.g. telling guests and venues, not leaving him to do it. And she should do what she can to lessen the financial impact too, e.g. offering to take on any debts he has from paying for the wedding.

I don't agree that at this stage it's better that they don't marry. Going through with it then quietly filing for divorce as soon and privately as possible would be a lot easier than the public humiliation she's about to drag this poor bloke through.

AppalazianWalzing · 10/06/2017 09:35

Practically, once she's back:

  1. Call the other bridesmaids and get them ready to help. Some groomsmen may offer to help, but realistically I think the onus is on the brides people to do the heavy lifting here,
  2. Get a list of suppliers and guests from the bride, try and get numbers from her phone if you can. She may not have them all with her but tbh there were a lot of google docs involved in my wedding, so she may be able to access them. Ask her if there's a particular message her and the groom want put out there.
  3. Contact the celebrant. Update and Ask for their advice.
  4. Talk to the venue, see if they might be able to help contacting suppliers.
  5. Divide up all the lists with other bridesmaids. Have an agreed statement. Contact everyone you can. Then get someone to stand at church/venue to meet arriving guests and explain.
  6. Get bride away from there so she doesn't have to deal with this. Try and be calming and reassuring to people but make it clear they are not to contact the bride. If she's in agreement, I would actually commandeer her phone for the day and Field all messages, get her set up in a hotel somewhere else early.

I know of the fallout from someone who told their parents the morning of the wedding they were having an affair and couldn't go through with it. Parents forced her down the aisle, marriage lasted six months (affair ever ended) and the groom had a lot more suffering in the long run than if she walked out. Given the alternatives available at this stage, it sounds like your friend is doing the right thing.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 10/06/2017 09:36

Good grief Bill you don't even know the woman.

I really think you are projecting based on your experiences.

Eatingcheeseontoast · 10/06/2017 09:36

I'd still have the party.....

DermotOLogical · 10/06/2017 09:37

Wow your friend is very very brave. Sending you both strength.

Not practical advice apart from when it's all done, drink lots.

PurpleDaisies · 10/06/2017 09:37

I don't agree that at this stage it's better that they don't marry. Going through with it then quietly filing for divorce as soon and privately as possible would be a lot easier than the public humiliation she's about to drag this poor bloke through.

When do you suggest she tells him that she didn't mean her vows and it was all to save face? The wedding night? The honeymoon?

It's awful and I feel really sorry for the guy here but you can't marry someone just so they aren't embarrassed.

icloud75com · 10/06/2017 09:38

Good on her, I wish i'd turned the car around, i knew driving up to the church I didn't want to do it and 14 years later am happily divorced.

allegretto · 10/06/2017 09:38

What time is the wedding?

kittensinmydinner1 · 10/06/2017 09:38

If she had discovered some terrible secret (infidelity, addiction, lies etc) perpetrated by the groom...then of course , awful but understandable.

However , to do this now having had doubts and for no other reason but a change of mind, is just about the most awful, shitty , self absorbed thing to do to another human being. One that believed (until this moment) that they were so loved, they wanted to marry you.

For all those saying 'oh it's SO much better to do this now than later ' I call bullshit. You have obviously never been dumped on your wedding day and had your awful, gut wrenching unhappiness witnessed by everyone of your family and friends. It is one of THE MOST CRUEL things to do to another person and utterly utterly awful. It will have a long term effect on her groom. It will colour every future relationship with mistrust.

NO ONE should be married to someone they don't want to be married to but no one should have the right to humiliate another because of simple precociousness. It is not hard to put on an act, go through with the wedding, and then - in PRIVATE explain to your groom that you don't want to be married and quietly and KINDLY get an annulment. If you love someone enough to want to marry them, then you can forgoe the 'drama' of putting them through the horror of a wedding day change of mind.

It happened to me. 26 yrs ago. I will never ever 'get over' it. I learned to live with it. I have married and been happy. It was a long long unhappy road to get to that point, through no fault of my own.