Page 6 | What are the logistics of cancelling a wedding?

RestlessTraveller · 2017-06-10T07:52:53+00:00

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. I'm chief bridesmaid for my best friend TODAY, AND SHE's just decided she can't go through with it. We're in a hotel,both of the families are here as well as quite a few of the guests. Apparently drowning myself in prosecco is not an option, so I need practical advice.

Notonthestairs · 10/06/2017 10:11

the practicalities will depend on whether the wedding is in a hotel or at the church.
You'll need to contact wedding registrar/vicar, the cars (if she needed to travel to the church), any coaches (as before), musicians, florists, any hairdressers and make up artists. The more notice you can give them the better.
Obviously the biggest expense is often the food - much of the food will be prepared but get in there quick with the caterers to minimise wastage.

And guests - you'll need a list and perhaps an idea who to delegate parts of the family between (so Aunt Ada will tell Beryl, Sheryl etc). You'll need to coordinate this with both families.
Urgh.

Sparklycurtainpole · 10/06/2017 10:12

It happened to me the other way around in that my ex married me then left with no explanation after six weeks. The only info I ever got was that he felt he 'shouldn't have gone through with it'.
I was totally destroyed by the fact he had married me then left. It would've broken my heart if he'd cancelled but at least I wouldn't have had to go through a divorce and have to change my name back at multiple places (God that's humiliating when you've only just changed it), to have the photos arrive the day after he left, to have to explain to family and friends whi all stood there and watch him make promises he then stamped all over. To know I'll have to write 'divorcee' on any future marriage certificate so even be reminded on a future wedding day, to feel like marriage is a total farce now which is heartbreaking, to have to explain to my children that a long time ago mummy once married someone else who wasn't their daddy, to have to declare it on every sodding passport or bank or dbs check I ever fill in under the 'previous names' section, to feel like a fool and a total failure, to have to 'unannounce' it all at work and anywhere else I go.
Calling it off is shit but ultimately better for the bloke in the long term than what my ex did to me. Him going through with it then leaving was much worse.

VoteMe · 10/06/2017 10:12

It might be possible to negotiate with the supplies to get some money back. If the photographer insists on full payment you could try telling him that he needn't come at all but you'd like a 25% rebate.... or something. There might be some room for negotiation.

Another possibility is that the groom might be relieved too and that you can go ahead with the meals and reception. If it's the right decision it might be that everyone already knows and would be happy to celebrate a non-wedding.

DHs brother got married and EVERYONE knew it was wrong - it was a bit depressing to say the least. Everyone would have had a much better time if the wedding had been called off. A lot of People would understand.

Ladywithababy1 · 10/06/2017 10:12

I agree with bill and boney this is a fucking horrible thing to do to someone - as pp have said, unless she has discovered an affair or some other compelling reason, this can't be something the bride has just realised.

The groom is going to be destroyed, in front of his closest friends and family. Utterly destroyed.

mollibu · 10/06/2017 10:16

for the poor groom.

pieceofpurplesky · 10/06/2017 10:18

Poor guy. He'll be fucked now in relationships. She is very brave but I have little sympathy for her leaving it till now.

SimplyNigella · 10/06/2017 10:19

My sister says now that she knew on the morning of her wedding that she shouldn't get married and had to go through with it. The marriage didn't last, although she's now married to the right person, and things might have been less painful in the long run had she felt she could have spoken up on the day.

artycakemaker · 10/06/2017 10:20

Sparkly

A friend of mine knew it was wrong on his wedding day. They separated on the honeymoon. They both admitted it was a massive mistake. (She was having an affair, which he found out about the day before the wedding).

divorce was bitter, nasty and took 3 years. He says he wishes they had just not gone through with it.

Notonthestairs · 10/06/2017 10:22

Depending on the time of the wedding and the amount of guests you can contact this morning you might need someone to be someone front of house to usher any incoming guests who are unaware of whats happened and aren't close enough to family to have had a message etc.

Ask the hotel to provide a room with yeas and coffees etc for guests who don't want to get back in the cars and drive home immediately (although you wont want to encourage any rubber necking).

I've got my fingers crossed that the groom has had second thoughts too. What a bloody awful ordeal.

Donthate · 10/06/2017 10:23

Bloody hell. Could she not have thought about this a bit sooner? If I were you I'd tell the best man and the grooms friends so that they can support him

Babbitywabbit · 10/06/2017 10:26

Focus on minimising disruption for the guests, registrar etc

I wouldn't give a shit about trying to negotiate any refunds seeing as the bride paid for the entire thing. She's even got the spare change left to fly to NY tomorrow
If anything, this aspect makes it worse, because it's not as though her parents or the groom were paying and she felt swept along with it all, or guilty for seeming unappreciative ... OP stated that the bride has paid for the whole shebang herself

Actually if anything I'd be expecting the bride to personally refund any guests who'd spent a lot of money getting to the wedding. That would come before jetting off to NY if the bride has any integrity

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 10/06/2017 10:26

Also worth finding out if anything can be done for guests who have paid for accommodation to stay the night but are now going to just go home - or if someone could work out a something near by to do, so that they don't all lose their money, or have a very boring day and night in a hotel for (now) no reason if they're using booked public transport.

I agree with PP, look after yourself as well today. Make sure YOU eat enough, keep hydrated, swap to your comfy flats.

MissEDashwood · 10/06/2017 10:27

Don't eye up the prosecco, that's the last thing you need. You need a clear head, you need to be able to drive, getting off your face is for when you're somewhere the bride is comfy.

But food to a homeless shelter, flowers donated to an upcoming funeral the florists have, you can take the alcohol, but depending who's paid for what, you might want to hang fire bundling it into your boot.

Is she happy to stay with him, just not married to him? Or is it relationship over? Done & dusted? The YMCA is the best place to call about food donations.

Presents I don't know what to suggest.

saffronwblue · 10/06/2017 10:29

There's something about the dash to New York that makes it very special and dramatic. I'd be more sympathetic to the bride if she was going to spend a week making the phone calls and dealing with the fallout etc.

PerfectPenquins · 10/06/2017 10:29

If she wasnt running away tomorrow I would maybe try and help her but shes being such a spineless coward id be saying ok thats your choice il head home then. Sorry I couldnt be supportive to someone so selfish whose caused the groom so much pain and rather than being around for his understandeble questions the next few days shes sodding off.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 10/06/2017 10:32

I don't think the bride is being brave, I think she is being cruel and selfish.

In terms of practicalities, she needs to step up and sort this out, there is no way the poor groom should hsve to do any of the cancelling or explaining. She should not be going to New York tomorrow, because there will be practical things she needs to do.

When she is back from seeingbthe groom, if she's still determined to cancel then you and she and anyone you can rope in should start calling the guests. She also needs to talk to the venue. She needs to take responsibility for this mess.

You sound like a good friend, OP.

FavouriteWasteofSlime · 10/06/2017 10:34

But food to a homeless shelter, flowers donated to an upcoming funeral the florists have, you can take the alcohol, but depending who's paid for what, you might want to hang fire bundling it into your boot.

Food to the homeless shelter? What about food to the hungry guests who have potentially travelled miles to this wedding and shelled out a fortune on accommodation!

valeriej43 · 10/06/2017 10:35

Sorry, but i agree with Bill, the bride to be [not] has had time to think about this, she must have had doubts before the day
My sympathies are for the poor groom, and his family

KindleBueno · 10/06/2017 10:36

That poor man. I definitely think it's better doing it now though instead of going through with it

normastits5 · 10/06/2017 10:36

Good luck with all this op I'm sure you will do your best to sort it out
Your friend however is about to totally humiliate someone and probably change his personality forever. Horrible horrible horrible to leave it until the day of wedding to ensure maximum humiliation in front of everyone he knows. Yuk

exLtEveDallas · 10/06/2017 10:38

I don't think she's brave either. She needs to stay, to front up to all the heartbreak, embarrassment and cost. It's the poor bloke that needs to 'get away' from everything.

nostringstoholdmedown · 10/06/2017 10:39

I knew someone who's marriage lasted just a couple of weeks. Been together years before that and had a child.

Turns out she just wanted a princess day. Then when the reality hit that that's it then she left.

Regardless your friend is awful. If this happened on my wedding day then it would take me an extremely long time to get over and I doubt I could trust anyone enough to marry them after that.?

expatinscotland · 10/06/2017 10:40

She must have money to burn. The swanning off to New York just smacks of immaturity and melodrama.

birdladyfromhomealone · 10/06/2017 10:40

looking at the time line OP posted at 8.52 and the bride was back at 10.04 having spoken to the groom AND his parents in less than one hour.
Quick conversation then :(
I hope in the future she meets someone she deserves.
Poor groom :(

QueenMortificado · 10/06/2017 10:40

Poor guy