What are the logistics of cancelling a wedding?

[RestlessTraveller]

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. I'm chief bridesmaid for my best friend TODAY, AND SHE's just decided she can't go through with it. We're in a hotel,both of the families are here as well as quite a few of the guests. Apparently drowning myself in prosecco is not an option, so I need practical advice.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

I think she is incredibly brave. I wish I had had the courage to call off my first marriage however was persuade it was " just nerves " . I pleased she has a friend like you to support her .

[londonrach]

Op..you getting amazing advice. Can i just add...put a couple of bottles of wine aside in your car, suitcase as you might need this later for the bride, motb, yourself the groom. You sound amazinf friend. Hang in there! X

[Oldbutstillgotit]

persuaded. am pleased

[impossibledreams]

I do think you're a very good friend for protecting her like this.

If she's got the capacity to book herself a flight to NYC tomorrow then yes, it is rather late to be deciding she doesn't want to marry him.

[NeedMoreSleepOrSugar]

Some great advice already, so I've nothing much to add at this stage, except good luck op - Its going to be a long day!

[SuperFlyHigh]

BillSykes I agree with Birds that you are projecting!

DB got married to his first wife (total car crash of a relationship, she openly cheated on him etc), luckily me and my parents weren't invited but her 2 DDs (teenagers) and her DF attended. The bride looked as if she was being forced into it and my DB was desperate for some reason to keep the relationship going. It lasted about a year after that then they divorced. The bride told someone later she didn't want to go through with but felt she had to...

Contrast to my DB's second marriage 6-7 years later where they were both as happy as Larry.

I think even though the pain is worse if you cancel on the day, best to have the balls to do it then rather than spare further heartache.

It does sort of beg the question in OP's friend's mind as to why she had to realise this on the day of the wedding, but I suppose for some people it's crystallised in this way in the mind sooner rather than later, eg when big day gets nearer.

[PurpleDaisies]

If she's got the capacity to book herself a flight to NYC tomorrow then yes, it is rather late to be deciding she doesn't want to marry him.

Doesn't that sound like a panic driven run away move rather than a calm and rational, considered plan? I don't think you can infer anything about her mental calmness or otherwise from booking a flight.

[Xmasbaby11]

Totally fine to pull out if her minds made up.

However leaving the country tomorrow is very selfish as she'll be leaving other people to deal with a shitstorm of aftermath.

[saffronwblue]

Yes, I agree that you need to find a set phrase to give to everyone to hose down gossip as far as possible. And think about the groom's feelings and how he can be supported through an awful time.

[allegretto]

TBH I think it is an incredibly cruel thing to do. Even if you end up getting married sometime in the future, it will taint the occasion forever. I hope she changes her mind for the groom's sake.

[SuperFlyHigh]

On a practical note OP, even though the bride probably doesn't want to speak to anyone, I think today she will have to speak to at least her parents and siblings before she jets off to New York.

[Redglitter]

Poor guy. He must be devastated. It's a shame it's taken til this morning for her to decide though. Definitely get her parents on board next then start the phone calls.

[Ariawyn]

I'm kind of with Bill here

It's incredibly selfish to go all the way to the morning of the wedding to then change your mind

That poor groom who thinks he is going to be making a life with this woman, the friends and family coming to celebrate a coming together, all those people who have spent money on new clothes, and travelling and accommodation

So no, I don't think she's brave

[Notonthestairs]

Just wanted to say to those suggesting that the bride goes ahead with the wedding on the basis of getting a divorce ASAP that the couple would need to wait a year before applying for a divorce.

An annulment would be quicker but I don't think the process is that easy.

[SuperFlyHigh]

xmas as I just wrote, I think the decent and fair thing for bride to do is to speak to family today before she jets off. In fact I'd maybe insist she does this.

My own DM, DB etc wouldn't dare let me fly off without speaking to them if I did this. Hell would freeze over...

[Trills]

Booking flights is easy. Not a good indicator of a state of mind.

That's a bit like people saying "why do you care so much?" when someone starts a thread to discuss something. Starting threads is easy.

[Witchend]

I agree with Bill. Very attention seeking-followed by going away and leaving him and everyone else to pick up the pieces. Not brave at all.

[allegretto]

On the logistics side though, work out what you are going to do with the food before you tell guests. If you want them to stay for lunch anyway, you need to let them know this otherwise they might go straight home.

[kittensinmydinner1]

Well said Bill. Unless you have been dumped at the altar or know someone who has then you have NO IDEA how horrific this is.

I hadn't even wanted to get married, he proposed 3 times before I said yes. He drove the whole thing.
Turns out he had been having second thoughts for a few weeks but didn't think it a good idea to mention it until I was in my wedding dress about to get in the car... He did it over the phone. It put me in a mental hospital for 3 months.

[Mulberry72]

Wow! No advice other than what PP's have already offered.

Good luck OP, you sound like a great friend.

[Birdsbeesandtrees]

To be honest it doesn't matter is she is an attention seeking bitch or not.

She's already gone to tell the groom. OP has asked for practical advice based on needing to cancel.

[KungFuEric]

That poor man and his family.

If she has the money to book impromptu flights to New York then I hope she will shoulder most of the wedding costs.

[HundredMilesAnHour]

On a very practical note, if the ex-bride is flying to NYC tomorrow, make sure she's got a valid ESTA (assume she has one already?). It's the sort of thing which might slip her mind given what's about to happen today.

[SlightlyJaded]

Kitten I am sorry that happened to you.

I honestly don't know which would be worse - to cancel now, or go through with it. I think the kindest and fairest thing would be for her I tell him she is having doubts and ask him what he would like to do - go though with the wedding and then quietly end it, or mutually call it off now together. The key word being mutually allowing him to save a little dignity (though it would be just as painful on the inside).

Assuming she doesn't do that, I would suggest your job would be to deal with the practicalities and then make sure groom has strong support around him. He will be smashed.

[SaorAlbaGuBrath]

I got swept up in my wedding (family religious pressure, I was pregnant, everybody else planned it and I just kind of turned up) and on the morning of it I wanted to run as far as I could. The marriage lasted a year and I had mental and physical scars.

My dad told me years later that as he walked me to the church he wanted to give me the chance to change my mind and my god I'd have taken it!

Better now than later OP, even on the day itself. I hope you're ok.