Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What are the logistics of cancelling a wedding?

542 replies

RestlessTraveller · 10/06/2017 08:52

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. I'm chief bridesmaid for my best friend TODAY, AND SHE's just decided she can't go through with it. We're in a hotel,both of the families are here as well as quite a few of the guests. Apparently drowning myself in prosecco is not an option, so I need practical advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
RestlessTraveller · 11/06/2017 08:08

Wow. Just read all of the updates, and just wow, that's a lot to get my head around. I'll try and address some of the points.

The groom and his family left pretty much straight away. The not-bride didn't give any details of the conversation and I haven't asked.

The not-bride spoke to every guest who was already at the hotel yesterday and rang everyone else, she has offered to reimburse all travel costs and it was a 'no gift' wedding so that isn't an issue.

The friend in NY is female, so no to the poster who said I had deliberately not divulged the sex and clearly thought they were up to something.

Said friend lives upstate in the middle of nowhere so no the not-bride will not be 'dancing her way around NYC in her designer shoes'

Fortunately they were renting a house short term whilst they looked at somewhere to buy. She has again spoken to the groom this morning and arranged to go round to get some stuff and have a chat about the logistics of everything later today.

The reception didn't go ahead, some of the guests stayed and had lunch again covered by the bride, most went home. I tried to find a charity to give the food to but as it was a Saturday most of the offices were closed so I couldn't and the local hospital wouldn't take the flowers. So the best I could do was the flowers and cake went to a nearby old-people's home.

To the poster who wished fibroids and infertility on her in her 40's, she's 38 and childless by choice, and you really need some help.

Thank you everyone for your advice, some of it was really useful.

OP posts:
impossibledreams · 11/06/2017 08:13

Thanks for the update OP and great work on what you managed to salvage Flowers

namechange20050 · 11/06/2017 08:15

What an awful day op. You must be drained. Look after yourself.

MrsDilligaf · 11/06/2017 08:17

OP

Thanks for updating. I imagine that some of the posts have been upsetting to read. Hope you are okay after the shock of yesterday. I imagine it was emotionally draining.

Flowers & Wine

Lovestonap · 11/06/2017 08:17

Good work OP. She is lucky to have a good friend like you.

VinIsGroot · 11/06/2017 08:20

It was a brave decision and not an easy one. I wish the both well!

Charlie97 · 11/06/2017 08:20

Oh goodness, what a dreadful day for all!

You must be exhausted as well.

I hope you drank the prosecco.

Original poster
RestlessTraveller · 11/06/2017 08:21

Far too much prosecco, soooo much prosecco.

I'm tired and hungover.

OP posts:
GeorgeTheHamster · 11/06/2017 08:25

Oh how sad Op. well done to you, you did all you could.

Clandestino · 11/06/2017 08:32

I wish I hadn't married my ex. I was too stupid and too excited at the idea of being a married woman, the only excuse is I was really young. The divorce was the only sensible part of the marriage. Sometimes it's better to do it at the last second than be unhappy, for both.

Charlie97 · 11/06/2017 08:46

Get yourself home, get yourself on your sofa and watch rubbish!

You deserve it.

What will be will be now with the couple.

You chill!! Flowers

Hulababy · 11/06/2017 08:51

I'm glad she did the communications with guests etc herself and didn't leave you, her family and the Groom to sort it. It was the least she could do. And nice that she is covering incurred costs for her guests too.
Hope all goes well in sorting out the rest.

If she's done the sorting herself then her trip to NY seems fine. I just felt she needed to sort everything out before she went, looks like she has managed to.

KeiraTwiceKnightley · 11/06/2017 08:54

You sound like a great friend, OP. A real trouper. You must be exhausted today.

LagunaBubbles · 11/06/2017 08:57

I can't believe the post from the person who thinks it would be worse for a woman for this to happen to than a man! What a sexist crock of crap.

MrsJamin · 11/06/2017 09:03

Well done OP, it sounds like you helped her make some good decisions and you kept your head.

HiggeldyPiggeldy · 11/06/2017 09:06

so very sad for the groom to be utterly humiliated, people saying she is brave no she really isn't, the feeling of something not being right does not happen overnight or days, she should have stopped it far sooner. If it had been the groom jilting the bride he would have been absolutely vilified

The affects of her actions will affect the groom for a very long time, it will colour his future relationships

Ariawyn · 11/06/2017 09:13

well done OP - from your update it sounds like the not-bride did take responsibility and made the best out of a bad situation

(personally, without knowing the personal details ....which i am not asking for in any way, its non of my business, this is purely in a high level, low detail superficial way.... i still think its a terrible thing to do to someon)

SnickersWasAHorse · 11/06/2017 09:13

Thank you for the update op.

It seems it was the best of a bad situation.

Notreallyarsed · 11/06/2017 09:20

OP you must be exhausted, she's lucky to have such a non judgemental friend to sort out the practicalities.

Papafran · 11/06/2017 09:23

so very sad for the groom to be utterly humiliated, people saying she is brave no she really isn't, the feeling of something not being right does not happen overnight or days, she should have stopped it far sooner. If it had been the groom jilting the bride he would have been absolutely vilified

Not necessarily. You're not privy to another person's thought process. It's actually very difficult to swim against the stream when everyone in society tells you from a very young age that the only way you can be happy is if you are married. Also, with standard phrases like 'cold feet' and 'it's just wedding nerves' if you dare to raise doubts before the wedding, it may not be until you are physically there and realise the enormity of it that you realise it's not a good idea.

And, sure, if the bride posted on here about being jilted, there would be sympathy and the inevitable 'he's a bastard and is probably cheating'. But there's also idiots on here like MsEDashwood, so I guess that proves that mumsnet does not speak with a unified voice. Personally, I would have as much sympathy and understanding for a man who realises he doesn't want to get married as I would for a woman.

Babbitywabbit · 11/06/2017 09:25

Agree with higgledy... what the not-bride did was callous; it's hard to believe that she coolly and calmly had a change of heart on the morning of the wedding. Poor groom, though clearly in the long term he's had a lucky escape, but I imagine this public humiliation will have an effect for a long while

I suppose speaking to each guest who'd arrived was the least she could do, and of course reimbursing costs

What a horrible day, I feel sorry for her family and friends too that she's put them through this

DramaQueenofHighCs · 11/06/2017 09:47

OP - I have been reading this thread but staying quiet, but just wanted to comment after the update. While I did in many respects agree with those saying she was being selfish leaving it til the last minute, I also agree that she did the right thing not going through with it if she felt it was the wrong thing. The groom must feel totally terrible right now, but the one thing he can cling to is at least she was honest at the last. Also, fair play to her for telling the guests herself - that took guts.

Well done OP for being a great friend.

FlyingSoloFlyingFree · 11/06/2017 09:52

Very sensible dignified update OP in the light of the crap that's been thrown about on this thread. Hope you're OK and the hangover's not too bad.

Trills · 11/06/2017 09:52

I've dated men who have been broken by women, it only takes that one occasion

I don't think I'd want to date someone who was that easily "broken". It sounds as if their self-esteem was not great in the first place if one bad dumping could "break" them.

Babbitywabbit · 11/06/2017 09:58

I totally agree she shouldn't have gone ahead with the wedding- that was a bizarre suggestion by a few posters.

But equally bizarre is the assertion that she's brave.

No two ways about it, this was a callous way to treat someone. That may not have been the brides intention (probably only a minority of people who do hurtful things actually get a kick out of it so I'm not suggesting she wanted him to be publicly humiliated) However, that's the consequence.

For all of the people most important to the groom - family and friends- this will be a defining moment... for a long time to come, this is going to be uppermost in their minds- he got jilted on his wedding day with guests already arrived. That's a horrid impact to have.

Cancelling even just a week earlier would be messy financially, but could have been done in a more private way. A 'neutral' message could have gone out saying the wedding is no longer going ahead. And of course people might speculate about the why's and wherefores, but it would have given the groom the dignity of being told first that she no longer wanted to marry him, and he would have had greater control over the fall out