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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or does this look like my husband has contacted an escort for sex??

406 replies

FeellikeLTB · 09/06/2017 20:23

Sorry for rambling but I'm shaking and fuming right now.

Hubby came home today from working abroad and I've just seen this screenshot in his IPad gallery. (Not snooping, daughter and I were scrolling through pics on there from when we last visited)
We are at his mothers for the night and it's the first time he's seen her in 10 months so I don't want to make a scene.
I have confronted him and at first he looked confused like I was showing him a picture of a fucking dog with 3 heads and said "I don't know" Hmm then he said "it's a long story". I told him I didn't want to hear it and I wanted him to drive us home after we'd eaten and he could stay at his mums.
He's now gone upstairs in his old bedroom because he's tired from the flight, bless him Angry And I'm sat downstairs with his mum and sister who hardly speak English entertaining our 6 year old daughter.
I want to smother him with a pillow but I'm not insured to drive the car.
So AIBU to think this is him looking for a shag while he's working away?
And what should I do?

AIBU or does this look like my husband has contacted an escort for sex??
OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2017 19:23

x-posted practically word for word. Sad

LoveDeathPrizes · 11/06/2017 19:24

No doubt he'll say that the conversation itself was conducted by his mate (over two days Hmm) on his computer and he just emailed it. There are few people who don't have access to the internet these days - far fewer who would be willing to let a male friend in on their intended infidelity just to use their VPN. I would think his friend would be too embarrassed surely? Unless of course he knows that OP's DH fully supports such activity.

PhyllisNights · 11/06/2017 19:25

If it had been me, I would have mentioned it in front of the mother on the Friday.

NoSquirrels · 11/06/2017 19:26

If you change the date and time settings on your computer, would it then change the date and time on an email trail? I think it is at least possible...

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2017 19:30

I don't even let people illegally download stuff on my computer, never mind buy other people's bodies illegally.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2017 19:34

Computer engineer DH says, "pfft on a forwarded email? Easy to fake dates."

MadeForThis · 11/06/2017 19:43

If his friend had no internet access how did he send him emails???

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 11/06/2017 19:46

Hes used his own active account to set it up for his friend who likely doesn't have one I reckon. If she messaged him back then tell him to sign in to the account.

Id be calling the other guys wife. Cause if she confronts him and your h is lying and he is covering for him he will admit that to her. Tell your h you are contacting her and see his reaction.

AnyFucker · 11/06/2017 19:48

Contacting the other wife might well cause your H's friend to throw him right under the bus to protect himself. Honour among sex tourists thieves 'n' all that

Could be interesting

lazydog · 11/06/2017 19:49

MrsTP's dh has beaten me to it. I certainly wouldn't put any trust in the main date/time that appears to be showing on that forwarded email. Now, if you were to examine the full headers, i.e.with every stage of the route the email took (without warning him you were going to do that) then if the sent date matched the timestamps of all the intermediate servers, I'd be more convinced...

kaytee87 · 11/06/2017 19:50

Very easy to change the date on a forwarded email or even fake it altogether by copying and pasting etc.

Some NHS trusts won't do std tests at the same time as smears - best to ask beforehand op.

Sorry this is all happening, what a horrible situation.

LittleBeautyBelle · 11/06/2017 19:52

Yes, Mrs. Pratchett, sad. Interesting that you noted he said it was a long story, then he told her a very short story. Fleeing to bed in between says it all.

Also agree with Phillis, I would have told his mother right then. You have to speak up to the people around both of you as soon as something this traumatic happens because you can bet he will spin this thing until you are cast as the villain. You can take that to the bank.

He felt smug enough to high tail it to bed to consider his options knowing you would be downstairs sitting primly not saying a word and observing the ettiquette of entertaining his mother and minding his children while worrying yourself to death over this loser and how to save your marriage.

It's not normal what he did and is doing. It's not what decent husbands and fathers do. You can't save something that is not there. He is doing his own thing, a particularly vile thing, and has done for a long time. His mother needs to know, his so called friend's wife needs to know she and her husband have been put into this little story as the excuse.

Broadcast it far and wide (to necessary people, you know what I mean) while it's happening. He needs to be brought up short. He's awful smug, Op. Pay no attention to his spin. Have a little faith in yourself. You're not going to lose him if you act boldly, he's already gone and has been gone. Do the opposite of what he expects you to do and do it now.

That screenshot...this is not one of those little spats or misunderstandings or ups and downs in a normal marriage...I don't advocate it lightly--this is a genuine L T B

Chloe84 · 11/06/2017 19:53

The email was in his gmail deleted folder he retrieved it from his gmail account somehow.

Gmail only keeps deleted emails for 30 days, after which time they are permanently deleted.

I would be examining that email very closely. Is it the first email address, a forwarded email or a reply?

Chloe84 · 11/06/2017 19:54

*first email, not first email address

ShakingAndShocked · 11/06/2017 20:08

1: whole reason your 'D'H 'did' this 'favour' for friend was as friend has no VPN - how then would your DH be able to email him when, quite literally according to your 'D'H, he had NO internet/mail via the 'no VPN' 'reason'?

2: I could send you a mail now that was date stamped at any point in the past - I just hit forward and the time/date stamp stay the same (IE historical) but I can change every single other thing on there from the recipient to the subject title to the contents.

It's clear he is lying, painfully clear and TBH I'm feeling for you as you are right now on that cusp of either an horrific few months, but with an end and hope in sight, as you separate OR starting to embarrass and degrade yourself - your self-respect; your self-esteem; your right to not be violated by a dick that has been dipped elsewhere and bare back for all you know; list just endless - by colluding in his lie as you prefer the believing in him even though you know both in your head and your gut that it isn't true.

I swear to you OP, if you let him stay via that sham above you will live to regret it profoundly and painfully at some future point as this is patently/blatantly all true AND he will do it again, only difference being that then it will effectively be sanctioned and condoned by you - which will make it all the harder whenever you do discover he's still doing it.

The email is fake, it means nada. Stay if you are happy to stay knowing and accepting that he has not just cheated on you but has also endangered your health and exploited a sex worker, but please don't delude yourself you're staying 'as you believe him' as one thing you clearly are not is stupid.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do but YY to an urgent STI check and then ongoing ones if you stay with him.

Jermajesty · 11/06/2017 20:16

I'd want access to his email account so you can view his deleted emails for yourself.
I fear he has faked this email.
I would be minded to contact the wife.

lisalisa · 11/06/2017 20:33

How can you log into someone google account on your phone as one pp said? I also have a suspicion re my dh but I'm very bad with IT and don't know how to cyber snoop at all

LoveDeathPrizes · 11/06/2017 20:34

Good point shaking. Friend sounds pretty well set up to me!

Mamia15 · 11/06/2017 20:47

Its VERY easy to change the details of a forwarded email - try doing it yourself....

Even if his story is true (which its unlikely to be given how long he took to get back to you with an explanation!),he still looks dodgy - he must be used to the idea of using escorts if he condones what his mate was doing, letting him use his VPN (esp in a country where its illegal)....

User561738489948 · 11/06/2017 21:09

Even if he did send that email on that date (unlikely)... "Here you go" as a subject of the email doesn't prove anything anyway. It could mean "I told you I was booking myself an escort and here's the proof if you don't believe me"

indigox · 11/06/2017 21:19

He's had over a day to work out how to fake an email, if it were a real email he could have shown you straight away.

XiCi · 11/06/2017 21:28

I wouldn't be getting any std tests. I'd make him go for them, and sit and wait with him to make sure.

I'd also call his bluff on the friend story and tell him you are going to tell the wife.

Covfefe · 11/06/2017 21:35

To be honest, the fact that he actively condoned and aided his friend in hiring a sex worker would be enough for me even if his story is true.

Smith1 · 11/06/2017 22:28

I'm sorry Op.
I'm very naive - I know that - so it all sounds convincing to me. However if call his bluff and say I was talking the other ones wife.

FeellikeLTB · 11/06/2017 22:36

It's not a forwarded email it's just an email sent from him to friend

OP posts:
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