AIBU or does this look like my husband has contacted an escort for sex??

[FeellikeLTB]

Sorry for rambling but I'm shaking and fuming right now.

Hubby came home today from working abroad and I've just seen this screenshot in his IPad gallery. (Not snooping, daughter and I were scrolling through pics on there from when we last visited)
We are at his mothers for the night and it's the first time he's seen her in 10 months so I don't want to make a scene.
I have confronted him and at first he looked confused like I was showing him a picture of a fucking dog with 3 heads and said "I don't know" then he said "it's a long story". I told him I didn't want to hear it and I wanted him to drive us home after we'd eaten and he could stay at his mums.
He's now gone upstairs in his old bedroom because he's tired from the flight, bless him And I'm sat downstairs with his mum and sister who hardly speak English entertaining our 6 year old daughter.
I want to smother him with a pillow but I'm not insured to drive the car.
So AIBU to think this is him looking for a shag while he's working away?
And what should I do?

Well, he's lying.
Because if he was telling the truth, he'd have told you about the single friend straight away.
What kind of arsehole would leave their wife upset and risk their marriage by not explaining immediately? OK, family around it might not have been a lengthy conversation. But if I were him I'd have said "bloody hell my love, I'm so sorry you've seen that and been upset by it - it wasn't me, it was X borrowing my iPad - is it OK if I explain later?"

Ha ha ha - it was my friend. That's the best he could come up with.

So, he's apparently messaged this friend to get a copy of the message to him?

• ask who the friend is
• make him show you the message to that friend asking for the proof old the old message (my guess is the message either doesn't exist or says 'mate, I need you to help me out!'
• get this friend on Skype to tell you it was him. Ask him how much it cost. If he's covering for your husband, he might drop himself in it by having no idea

You have to consider which is more likely:

• your husband booking a prostitute whilst away. No one wants it to be their husband (it was mine ) but it's a LOT of people's husbands

• a single friend who in this day and age had no VPN? Really???!!

Love the morality of it being a SINGLE friend. Every time a sex worker has posted on MN (I've been on a few of the threads about prostitute using husbands) they've all said that the majority of their clients are married.

I guarantee there'll be problems getting hold of this single friend to Skype you. Oh he's not my friend any more...

I'm sorry your husband is an arsehole and a liar.

I accidentally screenshot stuff all the time :( Sorry OP it looks as if your suspicions are right x

So sorry you are having to deal with this OP especially at this time of the year when you are fasting, and shaytaan is supposed to be locked up!! I really do sympathise with you and the emotions you must be going through.

I just wanted to come at it from a slightly different angle, to offer what I believe could be a relevant perspective (I've lived in UAE for 5+ years and my DH is local)...

I can't tell from the screenshot you shared, but are the escorts 'ladyboys'? Although it is of course illegal in the UAE, there is a huge population of mainly Thai/Filipino TS escorts who hide behind the ruse of 'massage' work in seedy salons or hotels. It's something everyone knows goes on, but a blind eye is turned... and it is particularly rife in Ras Al Khaimah, which I noticed was the address given.

Assuming your H is from an Arab background, it is not uncommon that men growing up in that culture/society actually have their first sexual experimentations and experiences in their early teens with other males, due to the segregation/lack of social opportunity to experiment with girls at that age. Due to this, it appears that many men from this background are more aware of the male 'g spot' being accessed through anal stimulation/penetration. In most cases this doesn't mean they are gay or bisexual - they are attracted to the female form, hence why they go for 'ladyboy' escorts who look facially like women, have boobs etc - and they use this (horrible, filthy) outlet of escorts to fulfil that particular pleasure.

Often they are too ashamed or afraid to tell their wives that they enjoy this type of stimulation because they worry that it wouldn't be understood, it would be assumed that they are gay, or the wives wouldn't be willing to engage in that sort of sexual activity with their husbands (finding the male g spot, I mean, not getting involved with escorts!). Culturally there is a huge lack of communication and understanding on this point, and unfortunately that is why the men tend to secretly seek out these escorts rather than open the topic of what they would really enjoy doing with their wives.

I may be completely wide of the mark with this theory, but it could well be the case with your husband. I'm not in any way excusing his behaviour - cheating, lying, deceit, putting your sexual health at risk etc. is all inexcusable if indeed it was him who booked the escort rather than his friend - but this could be the reason or motivation behind it. You may be able to take some sort of comfort from this insight, or at least discuss with him in an open and frank manner.

Sorry for the super long post but I just wanted to get this thought out there! Wishing you strength in this Holy Month and beyond

I'm consciously not reporting the personal attacks on AF. Let them stand so people can see how misogynistic some people can be. More important are the women who come back on MN and say that it was something AF said that finally made them leave their abusive or cheating partner. Blunt she is, and effective sometimes.

OP, if you still need support, start a thread in Relationships. You'll get good advice and it's a bit less argumentative than AIBU. Sorry this happened to you.

I haven't been able to post on my phone for a few hours which is probably just as well (issues with the app it woukd seem)

But shame on the folks making this thread about me at one point. Using a vulnerable poster's situation to have a go at another are sad individuals indeed.

ButterflyFree what on earth kind of comfort is the OP supposed to take from your post?!
It's certainly interesting - but it wouldn't make him any less of a cheating shithead!

I'm reporting the post in which a poster used the term "Hun" as I think that is definitely a banned word on here.

@Ellisandra I didn't say it would - I clearly said his behaviour is inexcusable - but some women have found it easier to come to terms with their husbands' choices when they understand the reasoning behind it, in the circumstances I have explained.

I know of some women who have been initially floored and heartbroken by similar revelations, but once they understood the motivation behind it, it facilitated far more honest communication between them and their husbands, and they were able to rebuild their marriages in a stronger and more connected way than ever before. I'm just trying to offer a different perspective and insight, that's all.

100% what MrsTP said "I don't believe a word of it but even the lie is repulsive"

Whether you believe him or not, GO TO THE GP AND GET TESTED FOR STDs

CHLAMYDIA IS SYMPTOMLESS AND WILL PREVENT YOU FROM HAVING MORE CHILDREN

Sorry for caps, but OP please ask the GP for an STD check.

Well, if there were ever a time to LTB, this would certainly be it....

He is counting on you to pretend all is well in front of his mother. To continue with pleasant family activities now that he is home. You want to believe him that it was his friend, it would be so much easier, wouldn't it?

I'm all for decorum; not making a scene; being serene and disciplined in a crisis and minding manners and ettiquette.

In this instance though, do the opposite of what he expects and wants and thinks you will do.

Pack your things and call a taxi in private. Have the dc ready to go. When the taxi pulls up outside, show your mil the picture, point to the women in the profile pics, making clear to her what your husband did (won't be hard even in different language, the pic says it all) be calm, matter of fact, detached, civil. Say goodbye to her, let the dc give her hugs, and walk out the door. Let his mother give him a tongue lashing.

Have the locks changed as soon as you get home, pack all his things and leave them outside. Call a good lawyer and have your screenshot to show him. Explain to dc that daddy has to take another trip but they'll see him soon.

Your dh has put your very life in danger. Get a check to make sure you are ok.

It's your decision, good luck. Remember, if you allow him to control your response to his behavior, and play subservient wife, he will never be honest about what happened because he doesn't have to.

@ButterflyFree what would happen if an UAE woman decided her sex life wasn't fulfilling, she went and paid to get laid by someone who could do it right and the husband found out? An 'open and frank' discussion? Or something worse.

LittleBeautyBelle, the op was at his mother's last night, not tonight. There hasn't been an update from her today.

Yeah, I don't doubt that the UK prostitutes that my UK husband used gave him sex that was more suited to his tastes.

Probably not even something unusual - just all focused on his pleasure with no need to have any effort on the woman, lazy arsehole that he is.

Even the regular stuff - they're professionals. I'm sure they give better blow jobs than me

That knowledge doesn't help with the utter betrayal at all.

I'd love to know how many of the women that stayed with new open communication were genuinely happy to do so, not because it's damn hard to leave, and how many of their husbands were genuinely sorry for the betrayal - and how many have continued to use prostitutes.

The argument that a man "craves" some sort of sexual experience that his wife can't provide doesn't justify using a prostitute or lady boy in any way.

I found this interesting article:
www.theguardian.com/world/2010/may/16/dubai-sex-tourism-prostitution

Apparently prostitution is extremely common there.

Mrs. Jamin, I was assuming she may still be at her mil's. Thanks about the op not updating yet, I was wondering if she had. Haven't read all the comments so may have missed other stuff too.

The post about "ladyboys" !! Some people will justify and rationalize anything by ascribing to strange theories. If we can just understand his pure motives re his anal g spot it would open up a frank and lovely discussion. I call BS!

The post about "ladyboys" !! Some people will justify and rationalize anything by ascribing to strange theories. If we can just understand his pure motives re his anal g spot it would open up a frank and lovely discussion. I call BS!

Haha, yeah. Such BS. Because obviously him being of arabic origin means that he must have had gay sex as a teen (despite presumably being brought up here as his mum lives here and all...). And it's because he needs g-spot stimulation that he has to go after a hooker (who obviously has a penis because one of the messages mentions the Philippines).

Are you the OPs husband?
I have thought this through the whole thread

Op hope you are ok.

Just remember what you said at the beginning, he would divorce you for less than this.

That alone suggests to me that he thinks it's acceptable for men to do stuff but women shouldn't. This is mysonginistic in itself.

I am really easy going and not religious. I would be angry a friend used my iPad to contact sex workers, I certainly wouldn't be forwarding prices to them. Why does he feel that is acceptable? Would it be acceptable for you to forwarded similar details to your friend - if she was single?

Interesting he swore on his daughters life, the daughter he rarely sees.
Would he have sworn on his mother and fathers and sisters lives?

Sorry he came up with pathetic excuse number 1. You and your dd deserve better.

I think OP is beginning to believe him - her life and her right. I just wouldn't though - you haven't seen your husband for months on end - you discover this 'evidence' and, if all innocent, instead of just explaining what was what, he goes to lie down and leave her stewing and upset for ages ... how could that ring true?

Get checked out.
Get a good lawyer and take him to the cleaners.
Have a fabulous life and meet someone new and trustworthy :)

OP, I hope you're doing ok, whatever's happening. I hope you've managed to get some sleep.

Hi everyone, sorry it's taken me so long to update.
So he came around last night after DD had gone to bed and begged me to let him in so he could speak to me (like he couldn't the night before!)
He said he was sorry and he should never had had anything to do with it blah blah and showed me the email he sent his friend with the screenshot attached with the subject Here you go
And the single friend isn't actually single, he is married and I know his wife she went back to her home country last year to take a break from their marriage. They are now back together.
Even if he hasn't cheated on me I don't know if I can stay with someone who thinks it's ok to do this.
I will book an STD test tomorrow, does anyone know if I can do it when I have a smear as I have that booked for Thursday.