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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to smack my toddler?

194 replies

ElleDubloo · 08/06/2017 21:51

I never believed that I would ever smack my little girl. But here's what happened today.

We went on a short walk to the railway bridge because she loves to see the trains. We counted five trains. Then she suddenly decided it would be hilarious to pull her trousers down. For reasons known only to her, she refused to pull them back up, even when I threatened her with "ok we're going home now" and "no cartoons". I couldn't move about easily because I was also carrying a baby in a wrap. I pulled her trousers back on three times while muttering various threats. The fourth time she pulled them down, I gave her exposed bottom a big smack. She cried for a few seconds, then held my hand and walked all the way home like an angel. She started singing after a couple of minutes. So the smack was bad enough to make her cry a little and behave well, but not bad enough to make a lasting dent in her mood.

Was I a terrible parent today, for smacking her despite always vowing I would never smack a child?

OP posts:
MerchantofVenice · 09/06/2017 20:05

*recalcitrant

Mumoftu · 09/06/2017 20:10

If a child is 3 and has no sn they would understand the loss of a treat for misbehaviour. I ditched the pushchair before my youngest was 2 as I didn't need it. But I'd have happily continued to use it if the alternative would have been dragging my child around or smacking them because they wouldn't move.

Mumoftu · 09/06/2017 20:14

Of course parenting isn't easy. But nor is physical violence acceptable. Marriage isn't always easy but I don't smack my dh! Why is it seen to be acceptable to hurt a toddler more so than it is to hurt a full grown man? The sooner the law is changed to make any physical violence against children illegal in this country the better imo.

AgnesNitt1976 · 09/06/2017 20:22

youaredeluded you really live up to your name.

It was one smack which the OP has said she regrets and will not do again, calling her a disgrace is OTT to say the least.

MerchantofVenice · 09/06/2017 20:25

I'm sure you're not trying to be irritating mumoftu but you seem to be deliberately misinterpreting my posts.

If you normally have few problems getting your able-bodied 3 year old to walk places, I think it's unlikely you're going to be able to pull a buggy out of your arse on the rare occasion that the child behaves as OP describes. She was unprepared for the incident, as I think you know.

No one has suggested that they are habitually dragging a child round. I suggested that if OP did what one pp suggested that would result in a dragging scenario. Which isn't a solution. Obviously.

My problem on this thread is not the genuinely helpful posters who point out the error and try to help OP find other solutions; it's the people who insist rhat it's easy to deal with this specific situation as described by OP. If it was easy, she wouldn't have got it so wrong, would she?!

But of course it's possible to parent without smacking. I'd say we're on the same page there, so I don't know why you've assumed the slightly superior, chiding tone. Most of us do manage it, not just you.

Trifleorbust · 09/06/2017 20:34

Also, I've been on threads where the OP is told - in the same condescending, 'obviously' tone - that the best way to get around with a toddler and a newborn is to use a sling and reins for the toddler Hmm

There really are no solutions to parenting two small children that don't involve some difficulty or frustration. Give the OP a break. She smacked her toddler, she didn't break his arm. It is actually allowed. I am not saying it is great parenting because I don't think it is, but it isn't a 'disgrace'.

Mumoftu · 09/06/2017 20:42

Erm because the op asked whether she wbu to smack her toddler. I think she was. If you think voicing that opinion when opinions have been explicitly sought is me being 'slightly superior' (even though I posted myself that most parents I know are anti smacking and I think that is the mainstream view these days) then that's up to you.
I wouldn't expect parents to use a pushchair for a 3 yr old without sn (or, indeed, produce one from their arse) but I would expect a parent to be able to reason with them verbally at that age rather than using violence to get them to comply with expectations. As you (and I earlier in the thread) have pointed out - that's what most parents do.
I'm sure you didn't mean to be irritating though when you resorted to personal insults because we don't agree so I'll let that slide.

zeeboo · 09/06/2017 20:49

I'm afraid your whole parenting philosophy led you to this. You believe that things she does are 'naughty' and are somehow done to embarrass you or wind you up. You also believe that she has the cognitive ability to connect your arbitrary and pointless threats with what she is doing in that moment and that she should change her behaviour to suit what you want.
She is a toddler. She was enjoying the fresh air on her body. If you really didn't like it, a tickle fight and pulling her trousers back up and then rushing her to look for an imaginary penguin or something would have ended the whole thing in seconds.
Please read up about child development and learn what is age appropriate behaviour for what age and what a child can understand regarding your requests and commands.
Oh and smacking? Unreasonable and unnecessary.

RainbowBriteRules · 09/06/2017 20:54

MN baffles me at the moment. People post for support and just get slated and as others have said, then get told it is all easy. No way in a million years would it be acceptable round here for a child to be walking home or standing in a bare bum for anything more than a few seconds. Also if you have a strong willed child they will get bored but that would take far, far longer than I would be happy leaving them naked in public from the waist down. I would be hugely judged if I had started to walk them home like that.

OP, sounds like a really difficult situation. I don't have any answers (if only it was as simple as telling them to walk home) but it sounds as if you have taken on board some ideas and thought about it Flowers.

Mumoftu · 09/06/2017 21:04

I don't think asking the question aibu to smack my toddler is asking for support is it? It's asking for opinions.

youaredeluded · 09/06/2017 21:04

Hurting a child because you can't handle a situation is disgraceful. If you hit an adult because you couldn't cope that would be disgraceful too... this is a small, defenseless child. How can anyone say it is ok to hurt a child on purpose. I feel sorry for all your kids if this is how you all think.

youaredeluded · 09/06/2017 21:10

If my husband hit me 'just once' because I wasn't doing what I was told, but he was really sorry, you would all tell me to LTB. But you say this mother can just whack her kid? It is ok... she only did it once and she is sorry. Shameful! This is a small child, mothers should be protecting their kids from harm not physically hurting them.

BuzzKillington · 09/06/2017 21:11

I am glad you're ashamed - it was an awful thing to do.

RainbowBriteRules · 09/06/2017 21:15

Oh come on, of course it is unreasonable to smack a toddler. The tone of the OP was clearly (IMO) also asking for some alternative strategies and support, opinions on whether that is in fact appropriate (clearly not) and if not, what other options there are.

youaredeluded · 09/06/2017 21:25

She asked if she was a terrible parent for smacking her child - that was her question. Yes, she is a terrible parent and she needs to sort it out before she does serious long term damage to her child.

Original poster
ElleDubloo · 09/06/2017 21:29

Youaredeluded - despite lots of posters telling me I was wrong, I haven't been at all defensive till now. But your posts are quite something else. You're either setting out to be hurtful, or you've got some deep-seated issues yourself. If the latter, then I feel sorry for you and forgive you. But the way I slapped my child is so different from abuse, I can't see how you can possibly equate the two.

If you're trying to be offensive, then job done, I'm deeply offended. If on the other hand, you've been the victim of something terrible yourself, then you have my every sympathy.

OP posts:
Nicpem1982 · 09/06/2017 22:10

Op what a difficult situation I to have a strong willed toddler who enjoys pushing my buttons so I can see how a situation could escalate quickly.

I am fortunate not to have had a quickly escalating situation with mine so have not had to face the level of guilt you have.

You are not a bad parent just one who was faced with a difficult situation and lost control

I'm not going to tell you all of the fab tips I have for avoiding situations like this because in all honesty I don't have them this parenting thing is hard and we all make mistakes.

So good luck and tomorrow is a new day ❤️

aliceintime · 09/06/2017 22:15

Why was a bare bottom so horrific on a railway bridge Confused

Nicpem1982 · 09/06/2017 22:16

Alice I don't believe the issue here is the railway bridge and bare bum

I think it's the toddlers sheer defiance that led to this incident

RainbowBriteRules · 09/06/2017 22:19

Agree nicpem, for me it would be the combination of the defiance plus the fact they were then naked in public. I would find that incredibly stressful with a baby too.

Nicpem1982 · 09/06/2017 22:21

Me to rainbow

But obviously the prefect parents on this thread would not get stressed at this situation.....

RainbowBriteRules · 09/06/2017 22:23

Smile. Genuinely, if I could figure out how not to be stressed by something like that I would be thrilled.

aliceintime · 09/06/2017 22:26

But OPs second post "makes it clear" they were on a bridge. I don't know. I think spanking a child's bare bottom is as bad as it gets but maybe it's just me and it's just something parents do.

AgnesNitt1976 · 09/06/2017 22:29

spanking a childs bare bum is as bad as it gets??????

REALLY?

I think there are a whole range of abuses far worse than what the OP did.

aliceintime · 09/06/2017 22:45

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