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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to smack my toddler?

194 replies

ElleDubloo · 08/06/2017 21:51

I never believed that I would ever smack my little girl. But here's what happened today.

We went on a short walk to the railway bridge because she loves to see the trains. We counted five trains. Then she suddenly decided it would be hilarious to pull her trousers down. For reasons known only to her, she refused to pull them back up, even when I threatened her with "ok we're going home now" and "no cartoons". I couldn't move about easily because I was also carrying a baby in a wrap. I pulled her trousers back on three times while muttering various threats. The fourth time she pulled them down, I gave her exposed bottom a big smack. She cried for a few seconds, then held my hand and walked all the way home like an angel. She started singing after a couple of minutes. So the smack was bad enough to make her cry a little and behave well, but not bad enough to make a lasting dent in her mood.

Was I a terrible parent today, for smacking her despite always vowing I would never smack a child?

OP posts:

AgnesNitt1976 · 08/06/2017 22:18

well I suppose everyone here giving the OP a hard time is the perfect parent who has never made a mistake.

I suppose that you would all allow your children to walk around with their bare bottoms on display then ???

Do I condone smacking? no I don't but the reactions on here are ridiculous.

Anatidae · 08/06/2017 22:18

goldmanda excellently put.

Natural consequences work much better than later punishment.

They're kids. They're tiny, vulnerable, often infuriating and they push boundaries to learn.

Are you ok, op? How are you coping generally? Any support/help you can access?

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 08/06/2017 22:18

If you did this to an adult it would be a crime

If I told an adult they weren't allowed to leave my house unless I say so it would be a crime. I'm going to keep telling my 3 and 6 year old that though, as I think the police are more likely to knock on my door if I let them go.

Calyrical · 08/06/2017 22:18

There is rather a wide grey space between "allowing children to walk around with their bare bottoms on display" and correcting that behaviour by smacking the bare bottom.

Smacks hurt.

Charliej86 · 08/06/2017 22:19

Ok so I know my mother smacked me, I know because she has told me fairly recently not because I remember it.
OP sometimes it happens yes, but you will learn from it, I would guess as it sounds like this was the first time your dd won't remember.

Octopus37 · 08/06/2017 22:21

You know sometimes they deserve it, even when they are toddlers they know how to wind us up. You told her several times, she disobeyed you. Yes, I dont believe that you shoudl smack your kids all the time far from it, but now and again I think they deserve it and it is the only thing that gets through to them.

NicolasFlamel · 08/06/2017 22:22

I think the "no cartoons" threat was pointless in this situation. It didn't hold a lot of context for a young child. Toddlers don't really care about what you're going to do later.
I would have stuck with "you have to choices. Keep your trousers on or mummy will take you straight home" and followed through with it. Trousers come down again and you go straight home with nothing more said.
I would rethink the wrap situation if you can't physically handle the toddler. What if you needed to stop her going into the road or something?

GaynorGoodwin · 08/06/2017 22:23

What's done is done. All I can say is re-evaluate your actions if you feel you dealt with the issue incorrectly against your values.

As a parent we are constantly growing, please don't beat yourself up.

Anatidae · 08/06/2017 22:23

Of course I'm not a perfect parent.

It's a naked toddler bottom. It's no biggie. If you're somewhere sensitive (wedding for example) you'd pick them up and carry them out. If they're doing it in a cafe you'd say 'I'm counting to three. I want those trousers up or we are leaving. ' thennif they don't you leave. Natural consequences. You have to do it again and again - consistency is what works, eventually. If you hit them you teach them that that's what works. That's not a good thing to teach them

I know toddlers can be really infuriating little critters but a bare bum cheek is hardly worth hitting them over. It's really minor.

Calyrical · 08/06/2017 22:24

I'm not getting what was so terrible about a toddler being silly with her trousers on a bridge either.

thatverynightinmaxsroom · 08/06/2017 22:26

Of course YWBU.

But you know that.

When I needed to get my toddler moving with baby in wrap I'd make a game of it - pick her up round the waist and fly her like an aeroplane, or piggyback her, or race her. Or I'd just say "it looks like you're enjoying hanging out here. Let me know when you're ready to go home."

Don't get me wrong - I have lost my temper and shouted at her over the 1.5 years since DS was born, and I feel awful about it. I really like A Ha Parenting for gentle discipline but also for ideas to work on your own anger triggers. Self care comes pretty high on the list so I second PP who have mentioned you getting the support etc you need.

Original poster

ElleDubloo · 08/06/2017 22:27

Honest question, not trying to be defensive at all: is it better to drag her by the hand all the way home, than to smack her once?

Point taken about going out without the pram. I didn't take the pram today due to the short distance and having to carry it up the stairs of the bridge. But I guess we won't be going back to the bridge again.

OP posts:

Calyrical · 08/06/2017 22:27

I just don't understand what was so significant about the bridge OP.

Unless ...

That's probably it.

DunedinGirl · 08/06/2017 22:29

I'm afraid YWU. I too, understand just how trying toddlers can be, but smacking doesn't achieve anything positive. She's not even three and it was a bare bum- not like she was putting anyone in immediate danger.

I'm totally biased though. I vividly remember being smacked by my mother publicly when I was five- she rarely smacked and was pretty awesome generally- but I was left utterly humilated and resentful and I still feel the punishment was uncalled for.

Original poster

ElleDubloo · 08/06/2017 22:29

Thanks to posters who've suggested parenting techniques to look at. I'll definitely give those a read.

Thanks also to those who ask if I'm ok. I'm struggling, TBH, long story. I don't think I'm cut out to be looking after a toddler full time, and would much rather be at work. But we're on the waiting list for a nursery so hopefully that will make life easier when it happens.

OP posts:

CaulkheadUpNorf · 08/06/2017 22:30

To me, a smack is sort of the end of the line. If you smacked her and she still did whatever caused it to happen i.e. Pulling trousers down then what happens then? Another smack?

Coddiwomple · 08/06/2017 22:30

That was very unreasonable. You have taught your daughter that she should be ashamed of her body and that she deserves to be hit.

OMFG what is wrong with people on this forum. Some posters really have issues.

You told your daughter to do something reasonable, she didn't listen, you acted and show immediate consequences. Small slap, no pain, she will learn to listen.

You can think of a better punishment for next time if giving her a small slap is making you so stressed. Not a big deal.
Of course you are not a terrible parent.

I hate the ridiculous comparisons with "Punching another adult" or whatever nonsense people come up with. If she learns to listen to you, and that stops her from escaping and crossing a busy road or others, you have done your job.

ArchieStar · 08/06/2017 22:31

No such thing as a perfect parent. OP, you've admitted you were ashamed of what you did. I was smacked as a child and I only needed it the once, didn't misbehave again apparently. I say apparently as I don't even remember it. It's done me literally no damage. Tomorrow is a new day. Enough with the parent guilt.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/06/2017 22:31

I don't know - by 'drag,' do you mean, hurting her, or just not letting go? The former, yes, that's bad too. The latter, no, I don't think it is.

I'm probably being stupid (I don't have a toddler). What's the worst that could have happened, staying on the bridge? I'm not sure if I'm understanding - was it dangerous to stay there, or just really annoying?

thatverynightinmaxsroom · 08/06/2017 22:32

is it better to drag her by the hand all the way home, than to smack her once?

But why did you even have to get her home?

I don't think either is necessary to be honest.

Anatidae · 08/06/2017 22:32

Don't drag her, get her out of harms way, get down at her level and pull up her pants. Tell her gently but firmly not to do it. Then distract her, preferably something she needs to have pants on for - can you hop five times, can you jump like a bunny to the next lamppost etc. That kind of thing.

Definitely rethink the wrap/walking - it's so important that you can wrangle them both safely. My toddler is a squirmer and sometimes I just have to gently but firmly fold him into the buggy if we are somewhere he could get hurt.

No need to avoid the bridge, just adjust how you go there.

Learn from it - she learns from you .

Lovelilies · 08/06/2017 22:34

I don't see why you couldn't pick her up and carry her off the bridge? I have a 3.5 yo DS and when 11m DD is in the sling I can still pick him up and put him on my hip or under my arm like a carpet.

becotide · 08/06/2017 22:35

can I point out that there is no such thing as an effective smack that DOESN'T hurt! That's why it works, that is what makes it an effective deterrent - it HURTS.

But

What do you do when it DOESN'T work? Slap her harder? Seriously, what would you have done?

I remember my mother slapping me and me deliberately not reacting. She continued to hit me until I cried out, because it was at that point that she "knew it had worked".

How hard are you prepared to hit her to make her comply?

TheMysteriousJackelope · 08/06/2017 22:36

I can see how it would be difficult to carry a small baby and a toddler. I have managed two 18 month olds, two toy strollers, and a couple of cuddly toys over a distance of half a mile while one DD roared like a water buffalo. I had told her 'if you run in the road we are going straight home', she ran into the road, so we went straight home, and she didn't like it. She never ran into the road again either.

It's a lot different with a small, much more fragile baby and a tantrumming toddler though. If you'd dragged her by the arm you could have dislocated it. It's tricky. If you had turned and walked back home would she have followed you? Would it have been safe?

Reins aren't always the answer either. I tried them on DD, she considered them to be a leash for me, and just lay down if I tried to take her anywhere she didn't want to go.

Original poster

ElleDubloo · 08/06/2017 22:37

Re the bridge: No, there was no imminent danger. It's a safe bridge, no risk of falling. It's in a very safe area. But I dunno, there's a bit of graffiti on it and I'm paranoid.

Re the dragging: It's a fine line. My aim would be to hold her hand and not let go. But when this has happened previously (e.g. when she sat down in the middle of a road that we were trying to cross) I've had to hold quite tight to get her to come with me, and she's cried that it hurts.

OP posts:

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