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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to smack my toddler?

194 replies

ElleDubloo · 08/06/2017 21:51

I never believed that I would ever smack my little girl. But here's what happened today.

We went on a short walk to the railway bridge because she loves to see the trains. We counted five trains. Then she suddenly decided it would be hilarious to pull her trousers down. For reasons known only to her, she refused to pull them back up, even when I threatened her with "ok we're going home now" and "no cartoons". I couldn't move about easily because I was also carrying a baby in a wrap. I pulled her trousers back on three times while muttering various threats. The fourth time she pulled them down, I gave her exposed bottom a big smack. She cried for a few seconds, then held my hand and walked all the way home like an angel. She started singing after a couple of minutes. So the smack was bad enough to make her cry a little and behave well, but not bad enough to make a lasting dent in her mood.

Was I a terrible parent today, for smacking her despite always vowing I would never smack a child?

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 08/06/2017 23:00

A toddler who is refusing to do as I ask does not decide when we are going home.

The issue here being that the OP had a baby in a sling so probably couldn't just pick the toddler up and carry her home.

It's better to wait her out in those circumstances than to hurt or frighten her to get her to comply.

thatverynightinmaxsroom · 08/06/2017 23:01

Ratatatouille we'll just have to agree to disagree. I don't typically impose arbitrary restrictions on my kids so when I do ask them to do something, they know it's serious and they comply.

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 08/06/2017 23:01

How old is your baby, Op?

LivininaBox · 08/06/2017 23:02

OP, if I can't get my LO to move I put my hand in the centre of his back and just push him forwards, sometimes with my other hand on his shoulder, or if things are really bad I hold one arm behind his back and push him forward in a kind of armlock. It sounds bad doesn't it, but you need a way to move your child if you can't carry them.

Anatidae · 08/06/2017 23:02

inyeresting how the response is an ad hom attack on my parenting, rather than a logical explanation of how hitting your kids teaches them to manages situations.

I'm an alright parent. Not perfect, the kids are just normal kids. They're learning, they're pretty well behaved, after fifty billion nos and leaving cafes if they won't behave.

As the poster above says, it's all a bit reminiscent of those 'the wife needs a firm hand' attitudes. You just don't hit people. It means you've lost control.

No toddlers dont get reasoned with. That doesn't work. They're irrational little buggers. You do 'if you keep doing that, we leave' immediate consequence, simple cause and effect, no stress.

Or just hit them. A friend of mine I grew up with in the uk has parents like that - they were totally oblivious to the effect it had on her (all the justifications on this thread, never did them any harm, short sharp blah blah blah...) but it affected her badly. She asked them never to hit her son. They did, and they've never seen him again.

If you need to use a rolled up newspaper on your dog youve trained them badly. Ditto your kids.

Original poster
ElleDubloo · 08/06/2017 23:03

Why did I want her to go home?

  1. Because I'd threatened her with going home if she pulled her trousers down again. And she did.
  2. Agreeing with Ratatouille, I believe children should listen to their parents. (In an ideal world)

In reply to those who say my daughter must be feeling terribly humiliated and will remember this humiliation for the rest of her life: no, I don't think so. She didn't seem humiliated at all. She held onto my finger and sang and chatted as we walked home.

That doesn't change the fact that I never want to smack her again.

I think next time I'll just pull my phone out and read my emails until she decides to pull her trousers back up.

OP posts:
Original poster
ElleDubloo · 08/06/2017 23:05

Baby is 3 months, why?

OP posts:
Ratatatouille · 08/06/2017 23:07

Gold I was responding to a PP who says that toddlers should be allowed to continue playing outside for as long as they decide. Not really aimed at OP.

Thatverynight nothing to do with arbitrary restrictions. I might want to go home for any number of reasons, not necessarily for anything important. Toddler doesn't want to go home. I am the adult and if I've asked my child to do something then they do it. I'm simply amazed that anyone would think a toddler should be calling the shots. We're not talking about a situation where parent has asked nicely and child has replied "can we please stay a bit longer?". Obviously that's fine. We're talking about a situation where the child is defying the parent, refusing to do as asked. The correct response to that is to do some parenting. Not just go "OK dear, you do whatever you fancy. Never mind what I tell you to do".

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 08/06/2017 23:09

Just wondering if you're ok in yourself. I did and felt some weird things when my three were very young. It is very stressful.

wibblypig1 · 08/06/2017 23:10

This one little incident doesn't define you as a bad mom. It's being blown out of all proportion on here. All of these people posting have done something wrong raising their kids, and just because they've never smacked their kids they certainly aren't writing any parenting books or winning awards for being perfect 100% of the time. I cruel word or cutting remark can do just as much damage as a small smack. It's a mistake and you're adamant you won't do it again.

It's ok, we are allowed to make a mistake from time to time.

Sidalee7 · 08/06/2017 23:12

OP - you are deluding yourself if you think she won't remember. I didn't cry or act upset either, because I was in shock and scared.

So yes, she will remember and imo you should apologise to her and tell her what you did was wrong.

You were stressed with a baby and toddler, didn't have control on the situation and lashed out. What she did in no way warranted a smack.

ChildishGambino · 08/06/2017 23:14

Sorry but don't stand on a fecking bridge with a child you cannot, logistically, control?

LovingLola · 08/06/2017 23:17

You lost control. And hit your child. If for example your mother did that to your toddler. Would you be happy? Or would you be on here saying that hell would freeze over before your daughter would be in your mother's company again???

WhooooAmI24601 · 08/06/2017 23:17

I don't smack and can't imagine that I would. But I try very hard not to judge people who've smacked their DCs because I've had moments where I've left the room instead of losing my temper, so can sympathise.

One smack isn't going to define or damage your child permanently. It's not going to destroy her self-esteem. But you need to remember how awful you feel right now and hold onto that feeling next time to ensure it doesn't become habit. Toddlers are so difficult to reason with and to teach because sometimes they just do mad shit that makes no sense. Having a toddler plus a newborn is even more difficult; nobody has the right to declare you a terrible parent for a momentary blip. Just move on and learn from it.

thatverynightinmaxsroom · 08/06/2017 23:27

Ratatatouille I agree that children should do as their parents ask for the most part. But I think blind obedience to parents is a shame. I certainly want my kids to question me. Sometimes I'll change my mind, sometimes I won't. My kids certainly don't rule the roost by any stretch of the imagination. But I hope they feel as though their wishes are at least respected.

This is probably getting a bit far away from the OP now though.

gamerchick · 08/06/2017 23:35

Gawd!

OP maybe a buggy next time you go walkies.

AvaCrowder2 · 08/06/2017 23:39

If my dc were doing something that was dangerous to them, I'd move the dc.

Never had to hit, never wanted to.

Double buggy so if you feel cross, just park them both in it and walk.

Coddiwomple · 08/06/2017 23:39

f for example your mother did that to your toddler. Would you be happy?

It depends why, if she was reasonable and gave a small slap for a very valid reason, I wouldn't have any issue with it. I got a few slaps from my mother or father over the years, not many, but I wasn't traumatised, embarrassed, humiliated or abused. I have a lovely relationship with my parents, with love and respect and it's the same relationship I aim to have with my adult children.

Sadly some people will always twist the subject and go into accusation of abuse, refer to a small smack as a "punch/ beating" and this subject never goes anywhere. If you don't want to discipline your children, no one is forcing you to, but stop being so judgmental against people who made different parenting choices. Keep your outraged for parents who really neglect or abuse their children, sadly there are too many.

2littlemoos · 08/06/2017 23:47

I think you should explain to her why you smacked her, but that it was also not okay for you to smack and that you are sorry.

It's good for them to know you can take responsibility and apoligise, and also that even parents make mistakes.

You can both learn something from this.

I know how tough it is with 2 close together. I remember having to put my screaming toddler into her pushchair because she refused to leave the supermarket. I also had a baby in the sling who almost got headbutted in the process. I think the public display (literally near the entrance!) helped me keep my cool!

Run4Fun · 08/06/2017 23:51

OK. Op has realised her mistake and hopefully will learn from it. She has two young children and is probably sleep deprived (toddler and 3 month old at home) so cut her some slack. I heard someone once say to never discipline in the instant moment because you are acting in anger and frustration. You are a lot more likely to be more reasonable and fair when you have time to calm down and think about it.

Ber2291 · 08/06/2017 23:54

I am actually laughing my head off at the posters saying 'so you would let your child walk home with a bare bottom!?!'. A 2 yo being naked??? I literally cannot get my head round how that could possibly be a problem

Movingin2017 · 08/06/2017 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AvaCrowder2 · 08/06/2017 23:58

I also read that you should physical discipline when you feel cold about it. Why not be kind to your children?

Mumsnet used to be against corporal punishment. Back in the day, when it was all fields around here.

Goldmandra · 09/06/2017 00:04

I believe children should listen to their parents. (In an ideal world)

I think that's perfectly reasonable. I believe it too.

I have a reputation for being able to manage behaviour very successfully and I've never used pain or fear to help me. Children react well to being treated with respect, being well informed and feeling appreciated.

You're clearly a reflective person who has learned something about herself today. You know that you don't want to repeat it and are actively seeking advice. You've had lots for suggestions for alternatives and I believe you will find a way that works for you and your DD and then your baby will reach toddler-hood and you'll have to work it out all over again.

Coddiwomple · 09/06/2017 00:10

Mumsnet used to be against corporal punishment

you know, when Mumsnet was one individual, and not a forum with thousands of different people...Hmm