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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to smack my toddler?

194 replies

ElleDubloo · 08/06/2017 21:51

I never believed that I would ever smack my little girl. But here's what happened today.

We went on a short walk to the railway bridge because she loves to see the trains. We counted five trains. Then she suddenly decided it would be hilarious to pull her trousers down. For reasons known only to her, she refused to pull them back up, even when I threatened her with "ok we're going home now" and "no cartoons". I couldn't move about easily because I was also carrying a baby in a wrap. I pulled her trousers back on three times while muttering various threats. The fourth time she pulled them down, I gave her exposed bottom a big smack. She cried for a few seconds, then held my hand and walked all the way home like an angel. She started singing after a couple of minutes. So the smack was bad enough to make her cry a little and behave well, but not bad enough to make a lasting dent in her mood.

Was I a terrible parent today, for smacking her despite always vowing I would never smack a child?

OP posts:

fatdogs · 08/06/2017 22:00

@shivermytimbers are you serious? I will hold my opinion on smacking but disciplining her daughter for pulling down her pants is teaching her to be ashamed of her body?? Children should be taught at a young age that they do not exposed their private parts in public. I am not ashamed of my body in any way but should I go around pulling my trousers down and exposing my bum in public. Since I am not ashamed of my body, other simply have to suck it up and view my genitals whether they want to or not? Teaching her to cover nudity of her bum and genital area is teaching her common decency not being shamed of her body.

Fedupoftheheat · 08/06/2017 22:01

I understand that toddlers are really hard and frustrating, but smacking isn't really the answer. It only teaches them that hitting someone gets you what you want.
It doesn't make you a bad parent but I wouldn't make a habit of it.

Original poster

ElleDubloo · 08/06/2017 22:01

These replies were just what I needed to read. I am ashamed that I smacked her. She's completely forgotten about it, thankfully, but I won't be doing it again. We have been recently teaching her how to react to a friend from nursery who keeps hitting her, and now I've just given her completely the wrong message.

I guess she really pushed me over the edge today. She doesn't listen to what I say. It's so hard trying to keep her safe when we go out, especially with the little one to look after as well. And we were having such a lovely time on the bridge, when she started misbehaving again it made me so angry

OP posts:

Fruitcocktail6 · 08/06/2017 22:01

YABU. Instead in muttering idle threats can have no effect, the second time she did it follow through with your threat and take her home.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 08/06/2017 22:01

Yes its unreasonable but I can understand why you did it, I would learn from it and move on.

Anatidae · 08/06/2017 22:02

Yes it was unreasonable. Very much so.

Toddlers can push your buttons but it's never ok to hit them. And... this was a very mild thing you hit her for - it's just a bare bum, no one is even slightly offended by naked toddlers. You deal with this with natural
Consequences-' ok if your trousers are round your ankles I guess you can't walk with me to get ice cream/see something fun. ' that kind of thing.

Incidentally, what you did is illegal where I live and you would have had people intervening/authorities involved.

Are you ok? Struggling? Two little ones is hard and yes they can really push you, but it's never ok to hit a child. How are you managing generally?

KatherinaMinola · 08/06/2017 22:02

It's not misbehaving. It's being a toddler. You need to reset your expectations. What would it have mattered to walk home half-clothed on a warm day in June?

RedStripeIassie · 08/06/2017 22:02

YABU.

I'm sorry to say it because I've been so wound up by dd I've felt like it but never done it. You just can't.

I don't see what's so bad about a bare bum. My patience has been tested like this mostly when's she's put herself in danger like running into the road.

witsender · 08/06/2017 22:03

Yeah, yabu. She pulled her pants down, no biggie. Apologise and move on.

Calyrical · 08/06/2017 22:04

I am positive she hasn't forgotten about it actually OP.

KatherinaMinola · 08/06/2017 22:05

And yes, you're fooling yourself if you think she's forgotten about it.

Original poster

ElleDubloo · 08/06/2017 22:06

And she refused to get off the bridge, so I couldn't take her home or carry out any threats. If the baby hadn't been there, I could have carried her home kicking and screaming if necessary, but with the baby in a wrap I literally couldn't do anything to remove her from that situation.

I get that the bare bottom on its own isn't a terrible thing, but I guess it was also the fact that I couldn't get her to come off the bridge.

OP posts:

EastMidsMumOf1 · 08/06/2017 22:07

Being ashamed of her body? No its teaching her that not everyone is allowed to see her private parts - previously working with a child sexual exploitation charity its very recommended to teach whats private and whats not from a young age.

Taylor22 · 08/06/2017 22:07

YABU.

If you did this to an adult it would be a crime. It's no better that you did it to a child who doesn't know any better.

missymayhemsmum · 08/06/2017 22:09

Probably. You need to think through what you do when she won't do as she's told. Are you intending to smack her every time she won't do as she's told, or only when her bottom happens to be bare? If you had a hand free to smack her, could you not just have pulled up her trousers and told her off?
Fwiw, I entirely support a style of parenting toddlers that starts with a request and reason why... If ignored, a stern reminder..if still ignored, a smack. Especially if it's a safety rule, eg don't stand up in your pushchair/run into the road/try to climb out of the window, which of course this wasn't.

On the other hand, times have changed, and doing this in a crowded place is likely to result in some busy body deciding to report you to social services.

Any idea why she did it? Are you potty training?

Doesn't sound like gold standard parenting, doesn't sound like a disaster, either.

AgnesNitt1976 · 08/06/2017 22:09

Jesus some posters on here, cut the OP some slack.

No one is a perfect parent but some of the reactions on here are OTT.

seriouslyenoughalready · 08/06/2017 22:10

YABU. She was quiet because she was scared of you. And ,I imagine, confused.
I would be surprised if you had never told her it's wrong to smack.
And you did it to her. And then held her hand.
Go figure.

Fruitcocktail6 · 08/06/2017 22:13

Then I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound that safe to be out with a baby and toddler and no pushchair. Around train tracks...

And the fact you couldn't lift her isn't her fault. If you can't manage her behaviour find a better way of managing trips out and ensuring they're safe and you don't lose control.

Calyrical · 08/06/2017 22:13

No Agnes

No I will not "cut the OP some slack"

The OP hit a very young child on a sensitive part of her naked body for a very minor transgression.

Goldmandra · 08/06/2017 22:14

You tried three things.

If you do that again we are going home

When we get home no cartoons

Smacking.

Don't smack. It teaches children that you are stronger than them, can hurt them and they should be frightened of you. I remember being frightened of being smacked by my parents and I never want my children to feel like that about me.

Don't threaten a toddler with a totally unrelated sanction at a later time. They can't process their own emotions well enough to predict that it will upset them later on, later on, they can't do anything about the unwanted behaviour and won't link the sanction to it and, the next time they decide to behave that way, they will have forgotten how they felt when they couldn't watch cartoons.

If it happens again, pull up her trousers, get hold of her hand and start walking briskly while pointing out a bird/cat/ teddy shaped cloud or whatever else might distract her. It's impossible to pull down your trousers when you're walking briskly.

Last but not least. Learn from today. Smacking is not good parenting and it makes you feel horrible. Start using natural consequences wherever possible.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 08/06/2017 22:14

You've just allowed her to use her nakedness to push you to a violent act

Oh, come on.

Anatidae · 08/06/2017 22:15

It's not ok to hit children. It's not ok to hit anyone - so why is it alright to hit kids? You don't belt discipline into them ffs, you have to work at it. It's hard, they drive you barmy but you don't ever hit them.

Can you imagine the same in the adult world? 'Yes I've asked miss jones to get those spreadsheets to me by Wednesday. I'll follow up with an email then I'll go round and deck her, it's the only way...'

Dandandandandandandan · 08/06/2017 22:16

Calyrical - what do you remember from that age?!

CaulkheadUpNorf · 08/06/2017 22:16

Have you followed through with the threats? Has she watched cartoons etc?

Calyrical · 08/06/2017 22:17

Being hit.

But on that logic we can scream and hit and shout and push as they won't remember it so who cares

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