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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to smack my toddler?

194 replies

ElleDubloo · 08/06/2017 21:51

I never believed that I would ever smack my little girl. But here's what happened today.

We went on a short walk to the railway bridge because she loves to see the trains. We counted five trains. Then she suddenly decided it would be hilarious to pull her trousers down. For reasons known only to her, she refused to pull them back up, even when I threatened her with "ok we're going home now" and "no cartoons". I couldn't move about easily because I was also carrying a baby in a wrap. I pulled her trousers back on three times while muttering various threats. The fourth time she pulled them down, I gave her exposed bottom a big smack. She cried for a few seconds, then held my hand and walked all the way home like an angel. She started singing after a couple of minutes. So the smack was bad enough to make her cry a little and behave well, but not bad enough to make a lasting dent in her mood.

Was I a terrible parent today, for smacking her despite always vowing I would never smack a child?

OP posts:
Anatidae · 08/06/2017 22:38

Coddi - how is a 'small slap' to a child different to a 'small slap' to an adult? Or a dog? I'm sure 'I saw someone slap their dog today' would be met with howls of outrage.

It's not ok to hit kids. Some people do it in the heat of the moment and feel terrible and learn from it. Ok, we are all human. But to actively consider it as a parenting choice? That's poor parenting. There are many, many things you can do - distraction, natural consequences, etc to get your kids to listen. Hitting them is lazy, and teaches them all the wrong things. There's not much I'm judgey about with parenting, whatever works, in the main, but hitting children is awful.

It's illegal where I live. Rightly so

Goldmandra · 08/06/2017 22:38

now and again I think they deserve it and it is the only thing that gets through to them.

Absolutely not true.

Toddlers do not deserve to be hurt and frightened into submission and it doesn't teach them anything useful.

Most repetitive toddler behaviour can be managed better with distraction and a lack of positive reinforcement. You remove attention from the unwanted behaviour and move swiftly on.

If you really believe that the only thing that gets through to toddlers is smacking, how on earth do you imagine early years practitioners cope with a roomful of toddlers every day who they are not allowed to smack?

You manage behaviour best by working out why it is happening and removing that trigger, removing attention from what you don't want to see, explaining why something isn't acceptable to children who are old enough to understand, treating children with care and respect and modelling the behaviour you would like to see consistently.

Smacking is lazy, abusive and unnecessary.

Ratatatouille · 08/06/2017 22:38

But why did you even have to get her home? I don't think either is necessary to be honest.

So according to many on this thread it's perfectly normal to walk all the way home with a toddler who is naked from the waist down. Or in fact, to allow a toddler to dictate whether you go home at all Hmm

I'm not in agreement with smacking and the situation was not handled well. But I'm amazed that only a very few posters have offered sensible and constructive advice. There is some absolute rubbish being spouted on here.

hellobonjour · 08/06/2017 22:40

Not ideal OP but some people on here really are just fucking perfect parents Hmm

LovingLola · 08/06/2017 22:41

So if she does it again are you going to hit her harder?

thatverynightinmaxsroom · 08/06/2017 22:41

Ratatatouille yes, I do think it is normal to allow your toddler to play outside for as long as they like if (a) you are all safe and comfortable and (b) you don't have anything else important to do. That's all I was trying to establish.

Papergirl1968 · 08/06/2017 22:42

God, there are some sanctimonious parents on here. No, smacking regularly isn't a great idea, but occasionally can be effective. It's a short, sharp shock. Smacking is out of fashion but there's a world of difference between an occasional smack and beating a child up. As I understand it is not illegal in the UK, so long as an implement is not used and no bruise or mark is left on the child.
And please stop patronising the Op with faux concern asking her if she's ok, and whether she's managing a baby and a toddler.
I don't think it is ok for a toddler to take her trousers down in public actually. And I get that toddlers can be very defiant, but she repeatedly pulled them down and didn't listen to the warnings. Will the toddler do it again? I'm willing to bet not.
No big deal.

Anatidae · 08/06/2017 22:43

But when this has happened previously (e.g. when she sat down in the middle of a road that we were trying to cross) I've had to hold quite tight to get her to come with me, and she's cried that it hurts.

Did you think you were hurting her? That situation sounds more like you trying to get her safety and her acting up- in that situation (and my kid has done this) you just get them up and off the road and ignore the protests. No issue there.

I'm a big fan of just getting up and leaving if he misbehaves. It works pretty well. If she enjoys the bridge maybe you could explain before - 'ok we can go but I need you to... or we will have to leave.' Then follow through, no drama or yelling, just 'I asked you to not do x and you are, do we are going home.' Straight into the buggy and away.

Toddlers are hard work.

llangennith · 08/06/2017 22:44

If you have a double buggy then use it. Always. If you don't have one then buy one.

Justaboy · 08/06/2017 22:45

Simples..

you should have said she'll have Thomas the tank engine looking at her bare bum and he'll blow off steam;!

wibblypig1 · 08/06/2017 22:46

Op, the fact that you're tearing yourself up about it means that you're reflecting on your reaction. Maybe it wasn't the perfect response but please don't beat yourself up about it because none of us perfect. You didn't beat her, you didn't bruise or mark her, I don't think it's as serious as some people are suggesting here. Legally you are allowed to smack as long as it doesn't leave a mark. Sometimes we don't know what to do, but we can only do our best.

I speak as someone who used to get smacked very hard quite frequently and repeatedly and I wasn't particularly naughty at all (because I was frightened).

Just try not to do it next time. But don't stress about it. You're trying your best...

cestlavielife · 08/06/2017 22:47

No cartoons is a pointless threat to a toddler when you on a railway bridge
It needs to be something obvious and immediate
If she had ran onto railway line yep understandable reaction.
Exposing herself ?
No find another way distract laugh move on

Believeitornot · 08/06/2017 22:47

Yabu

thatverynightinmaxsroom · 08/06/2017 22:49

No, smacking regularly isn't a great idea, but occasionally can be effective. It's a short, sharp shock.

Now imagine that was a man talking about his wife... Hmm

Anatidae · 08/06/2017 22:49

Sanctimonious for not hitting kids. Jesus. Seriously? 😂 Belt the little fuckers into submission, that'll learn 'em.

It isnt out of fashion where I live. It's illegal and people react strongly to it. There's always a few cases each year of someone 'smacking' (nice euphemism) their kid in the supermarket, ss being called and the kid being taken.

It isn't ok to hit anyone. It's assault, whether it's a slap, a smack or a punch. It shows poor self control/ low impulse control and it isn't ok.

Goldmandra · 08/06/2017 22:49

is it better to drag her by the hand all the way home, than to smack her once

Absolutely not.

That isn't distracting and moving on and it's likely to damage her wrist.

If dragging her is the only way to move her and you can't distract her and move on, you need to let her stand there until she works out that it's quite boring and she decides to move on for herself.

Pick your battles.

Crumbs1 · 08/06/2017 22:50

It's not the best way to react but she'll survive just fine and not be permanently damaged by it. Best put it to one side and get back to being a normal loving mother.

Fossie · 08/06/2017 22:51

I am so amazed at some of the comments on MN. Of course a slap is a sensible move in this situation. Toddlers don't work on the level of reason. Setting the boundaries is reassuring for children. The good behaviour on the way home should tell you that all is well.

LottieG100 · 08/06/2017 22:51

Personally I'd have laughed and figured she'd soon have realised it's tricky to walk with trousers down when it was time to leave and therefore make the decision to pull them up herself without needing to be told.

I don't agree with smacking at all, in any circumstances. Totally hypocrisy to harp on to toddlers about being gentle and kind to others, yet it's alright for adults to whack them Hmm

Coddiwomple · 08/06/2017 22:51

how is a 'small slap' to a child different to a 'small slap' to an adult?

It doesn't matter if an adult listen to you or not. It doesn't matter if an adult walk away from you. You are not responsible.
However, you cannot walk away from a child, and it's your job to be a responsible parent and to keep them safe. A child is not your friend, he is your child.

I am sure you are an amazing parent, whose wonderful children listen and respond to your distraction techniques and thorough analysis of the triggers.
Back in the real world, children misbehave, see the immediate consequences, small slap on the bum in the worst scenario, learn to listen to his parents, and everybody is happy and safe. You have to be seriously twisted to confuse discipline and abuse. Where I am, parenting is not illegal. My parenting choices are thankfully nobody's business.

For my dogs, I use a rolled up newspaper. Totally painless, but efficient. I do find it odd that you would compare how I deal with my dogs or how I raise my children.

mygorgeousmilo · 08/06/2017 22:52

Horrible. You don't seem remorseful, as far as I can tell. She wasn't hurting anyone or being cruel - just pushing boundaries. You should have just pulled them up and if she really wouldn't listen then yes take her home. I was smacked loads as a kid, on the bum or back of the legs, I still have a strained relationship with my mum and I think it's partly due to her reactive nature. Don't smack your kid!

TheSconeOfStone · 08/06/2017 22:52

I remember being smacked from a young age, it didn't do me any terrible harm but it didn't do me any good either. I'm 43 so it was entirely normal when I was growing up. I don't respect my parents for doing it and they have never smacked my kids. We disagree on a lot of things but they know this is non negotiable.

I remember the days of baby in sling and wilful toddler. It's really, really hard. I got a second hand double buggy for a few months to contain the older one while she went through a particularly difficult phase. Peope gave us judgy looks because she is very tall but it was worth it.

Chalk it up to experience and move on. Not ideal but not the end of the world.

Ratatatouille · 08/06/2017 22:53

Ratatatouille yes, I do think it is normal to allow your toddler to play outside for as long as they like if (a) you are all safe and comfortable and (b) you don't have anything else important to do. That's all I was trying to establish.

Not in my world. I do not have to have an important reason to go home. If I want to go home, we go home. A toddler who is refusing to do as I ask does not decide when we are going home. What kind of message does that send? "I will ask you to come, but if you refuse to do as I say then we will just stay out until you want to come home"? Nope. Toddlers should not rule the roost like that.

Sidalee7 · 08/06/2017 22:54

yes, you were very very unreasonable, and you must know this already?!

I was hit in a very similar way by my class teacher when I was 4. I can't remember what I did, but I remember the feeling of shame, humiliation.

I am sure your daughter will too.

pipsqueak25 · 08/06/2017 23:00

step father gave me the belt on several occasions back in the 70's for no real reason that i recall,i was about 9, at least people try to look out for kids more now.

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