AIBU to smack my toddler?

[ElleDubloo]

I never believed that I would ever smack my little girl. But here's what happened today.

We went on a short walk to the railway bridge because she loves to see the trains. We counted five trains. Then she suddenly decided it would be hilarious to pull her trousers down. For reasons known only to her, she refused to pull them back up, even when I threatened her with "ok we're going home now" and "no cartoons". I couldn't move about easily because I was also carrying a baby in a wrap. I pulled her trousers back on three times while muttering various threats. The fourth time she pulled them down, I gave her exposed bottom a big smack. She cried for a few seconds, then held my hand and walked all the way home like an angel. She started singing after a couple of minutes. So the smack was bad enough to make her cry a little and behave well, but not bad enough to make a lasting dent in her mood.

Was I a terrible parent today, for smacking her despite always vowing I would never smack a child?

OP please don't listen to the obviously perfect parents on here. You did it once and you probably feel that guilty you will never do it again.
I smacked my little boy once, he bolted and was running towards a road and I only just caught him and out of fear I think i smacked him on the bottom. (Yes I know I should have had a tighter hold of his hand or he should have been on reigns etc)
I beat myself up for ages and have never done it again, it has not affected him and he is a really happy little boy.

I know he does not remember it as my bat shit SIL (while other thread) asked DS the other day if mummy smacks him and he said no.
I was smacked twice as a child that i remember and I certainly don't harbour any resentment towards my mum at all.

The other parent on here criticising will have all made different and possibly worse mistakes. The good thing is you recognise what you have done and won't do it again.

The posters saying you should not have been on a walk or on a bridge etc, I bet they have at times somewhere with a toddler and then realised it was a bad idea.

Also bringing up again now and apologising will just bring the smack to the the forefront of your child's mind. If she mentions it to you then just say "mummy should not a be done that I am sorry" but I would not bring it up with her

But I dunno, there's a bit of graffiti on it and I'm paranoid. Can you elaborate on that - paranoid about what?

I agree that if you can't deal with your daughter with the baby in the sling, then you need to reconsider your transport options. I have heaved my son under my arm with the little one in the sling to avoid danger, I have had to not drag exactly, but physically encourage him to walk home when he was beside himself with tiredness-induced rage and I once had to give him a piggy back with a once year old in a sling because his knee clicked and he couldn't walk. None of these are ideal, but they are doable at a push, and if you are unable to manage that then you are setting yourself up for difficult I think.

The thing I have found helped? Really focus on being calm. State your intention, what you expect from the child and the possible consequences, and follow them through. Consequences need to be immediate but need not be severe necessarily 'Oh, that's a shame, I was going to tell you a story/sing you a song/show you some magic on the way home but there won't be time if you don't stop that and come now' kind of thing. Repeat ad infinitum and make it something that they can 'earn back' through good behaviour, later on, to reinforce that good things come to those who behave.

We also do a lot of talking (when not in the heat of the moment) about how our family is a team and how important it is that we help each other - a reminder of that is sometimes enough to galvanise him into action because he knows that it cuts both ways and that if he doesn't listen to me, I won't listen to him. Not sure how old your daughter is, but that understanding came surprisingly early from my son, (about aged 3) so perhaps worth a try.

I would be more helpful, but pp are like you are not helpful with your perfect parenting. I'm actually quite a good mother, could help others but.

What is all this "perfect parent" shit that gets trotted out on threads like this? Can someone explain to me who the fuck thinks they are a perfect parent?

The OP was upset that she had smacked her child. Many people took this to mean that she would like to know some other techniques to avoid slapping in future. People have shared their experiences with a baby and toddler. The OP has taken some things on board

How the fuck does that make anyone a perfect parent. I can only imagine that the posters bleating about it, smack and scream at their toddlers on a daily basis, as they find anything else to be too "perfect".

I am actually laughing my head off at the posters saying 'so you would let your child walk home with a bare bottom!?!'. A 2 yo being naked??? I literally cannot get my head round how that could possibly be a problem

Oh come off it. When do you ever see this? You don't. People have better control of their children generally and they'd be judged to fuck (quite probably by the same people who are saying it's fine on here). There's also (more importantly) the very obvious fact that you have no idea who is watching or who you will meet on the way home. I have no desire whatsoever for some pervert to be getting their kicks from seeing my child naked. And no, not everyone is a paedophile, but some people are unfortunately and they don't wear badges so you can tell. There's also (most importantly) the fact that I take very seriously my responsibility to keep my children safe from abuse and part of that is teaching them about privacy and body parts that are not for everyone to have access to. It is somewhat contradictory if I then allow them to walk home with their bottom and genitals on display.

Ratatatouille above post is spot on. I feel exactly the same.

In my part of London in summer I see kids all the time in various states of undress. You go to the park, play in the water fountains get clothes wet, even the spares or you've forgotten the spares etc. But you don't insist your child wears drenched clothes or rush home and ruin a fun day just because they got their clothes wet.

My uncles had the odd wooden spoon across the bum as kids... They grew up into perfectly healthy adults with multitudes of loyalty, love, and respect for their parents - no deep underlying trauma there.

It's not the end of the world - just don't make a habit of it.

I disagree with PPs sayi g you have just taight your DD that her body is shameful... so we shouldn't bother dressing our kids then, because their bodies aren't shameful so let them all run around naked at the park? Naked bodies aren't for the whole world to see - perfectly reasonable rule to reach.

The amount of typos there was appalling! Sorry.

Ratatouille- exactly what was going through my mind, but expressed much better than I could. Thank you.

You are not a terrible parent. You smacked your child, once. I am not about to condemn your parenting and I think the people trying to make you feel worse than you do already are pious, pompous arses, frankly.

OP we're all doing our best to bring up our kids but we're not perfect. I probably would have done the same as you.

Smacking is not a good form of punishment to use unless you want your toddler to begin to copy you and use force to get their way. But what is done is done and I think you need to look at ways to make sure you don't lose it again. Going out with a baby in a wrap and toddler on foot is really minimising options for you when your toddler is misbehaving. I've not read the whole thread but how old is the toddler? It may be that you need to take a pushchair out with you. Bodysuits or dungarees might also be a good buy if the pants dropping becomes a thing.

Yes, smacking isn't great at all but it does sound like an impossible situation that you couldn't have foreseen and prepared for. But you know it wasn't the ideal solution.

As for this teaching her this, that or the other - I very much doubt a one-off like that will teach her anything. How many kids learn stuff from a single example?

I've read this thread with interest, because I struggle with my younger daughter's behaviour sometimes- she really pushes my buttons. I've never smacked because I really hate violence of any sort.

But I do wonder what the 'immediate consequences' can be sometimes - esp when out and about. As pp have said - it's no good threatening some future sanction. In OP's situation, what consequences can you impose? If you say, right we're leaving, but kid stays put... what then? Someone said you hold their hand and start walking... but that is dragging the child, isn't it? They won't suddenly start walking just because you are (well, some might...)

These are not reasons to smack, obviously, but it does strike me that, when all's said and done, we don't have much in our arsenal. I spend a lot of my time trying tye distraction, the positive enforcement, the picking my battles- and I feel like a proper mug half of the time. If a child is uncooperative, you quickly realise you're out of ideas.

It's easier as they become older and more reasonable of course. But it can seem impossible at times, and I do sympathise with you OP and think you should just move on.

FWIW I don't think your daughter will be 'afraid of you'! Little kids hit each other all the time and don't develop huge fears of eaxh other. Obviously it's a bit different from a full-scale adult, but I really don't think one smack has damaged her.

Avoiding having to drag a child who refuses to move is why people have pushchairs isn't it?

And you can't compare being hit by a parent to being hit by another child. Children rely on their parents to provide safety, security and comfort. If they don't get this is their early years it can have a really damaging effect on their mental health and how they view/make future relationships. Not from a one off smack obviously - if that's all it is.

The OP has already explained why she didn't think the pushchair was necessary in this instance. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Well I don't think anyone is suggesting the op can change what is done. Just suggesting how she might avoid feeling that smacking is the only option in future.
As to what I would have done in the ops situation. I think I would have pulled the trousers up and stood either holding their hands or the trousers up until the child was bored and then tried walking with them until they got tired of it and gave up.
It is perfectly possible not to smack your children. I've got 2 and can honestly say I have never smacked either and never will and the eldest is coming up to being a teen now. Most of the people I know don't smack their children either so it's not some kind of unobtainable perfect parent boast imo. It's normal parenting these days for most parents to use alternative methods to physical discipline.

My son dropped trousers and peed in the middle of a path (on a field) no smacking needed just clear firm explanation we don't wee on the path we use the toilet

I think 1 smack in an otherwise happy childhood is no big deal

Mumoftu but if your child is 3 might very well not use a pushchair at all (I don't). I don't think pushchairs are really for those moments when a child refuses to move; they're for transporting children who are physically too small to walk any significant distance.

But to be clear (as you seemed to be responding to me) I have never nor do I ever intend to smack either of mine.

I was simply pointing out that the 'Just do this, it's easy peasy...' approach to the OP isn't thar helpful. Sometimes parenting a recalitrant toddler is bloody difficult. I think the OP just needs to hear that, yes, it was wring, but, no, it's not the actual end of the world and we do understand that it's possible to crack under the pressure. But that level of sympathy is, I understand, hard for some.