To think you should help tidy up after playgroup?

[GreenShorts]

I mean the sort that churches run with volunteers for a pretty nominal cost. At the end of my local one every week the same people sit on their backside whilst everyone else pitches in.

This obviously excludes anyone who might find this difficult (we sometimes have grandparents and I completely understand they may find it difficult). But the people who have happily been running around after their children until tidy up time comes around. Am I unreasonable to think they should get up and help?

If ours worried someone might judge you for being a lazy asshole pick up some mega bloks

Thanks for the tip bug. Though, if you'd read my posts I do a lot of the tidying at my group. The fact you assume that I could only be worried about myself being on the receiving end of judgemental bitching says more about you than it does me tbh.

Picking up your cup / picking up a toy your child has played with isn't really being a "tidy up" person, it's just basic manners.

I volunteer at lots of places, but when I'm done with my cup after church I put it on the hatch where the volunteers on the rota do all the washing up.
It wouldn't cross my mind to leave it on the table because "I volunteer elsewhere".
Equally, because I'm not on the coffee rota I wouldn't be going around offering to collect mugs and wipe tables etc.

Putting a cup/toy away isn't really volunteering. It's just being polite. I thought this was common sense.

Exactly Maisy. Rockaby I think you are at cross purposes here and getting unnecessarily het up. Am sure no reasonable person thinks that they never have to carry the odd chair/take cup to sink/chuck dolls their kid was playing with in a box at the end of a volunteer run play session? Wracking my memory of these groups pretty sure everyone that could pitched in.

Yes it is common sense and it is good manners. I am not arguing with you there.

On a practical level, try starting with the chairs when tidying up...'excuse me', lever them gently to standing, and give guidance on what to tidy as you walk breezily off to stack the chair.
I understand for things like running scouts that you don't have to choose to be a volunteer, its...voluntary. But I do think clearing up at the end of a group you use is quite different, and not helping is not an assertive choice, its just really rude, and sets your DC a very bad example (suggesting you are somehow entitled to contribute nothing when everyone else shares the work which needs doing).

I used to help with tidy up time but now my twins are nearly two they really struggle with seeing the toys going away and they will dissolve into tears and try to get the trains back. I leave just before the end. If I stayed I would be physically restraining two hysterical toddlers, so not much help. Nice to know that I'm being silently judged though. Should I stop going if I can't help tidy?

dani
Just put whatever your kids are playing with on one side/return your cup when you leave.
Sure any normal person would get 'I'm off to avoid a twin meltdown'.

What people dislike are piss takers.

Picking up your cup / picking up a toy your child has played with isn't really being a "tidy up" person, it's just basic manners.

Absolutely.

Ive said upthread that if my child spilled a drink, that is my responsibility to clear up.

I will also do things (automatically and without thought often) as I'm going about my business. Because I'm a parent (and a teacher, and a Tawny Owl), I would put crayons back in the pot as I'm sat with my child drawing. Separate the playdou colours as I'm making playdou faces with my toddler. Or take my cup back as I'm making another cuppa.

These are not things that is call "tidying up". I wouldn't actually call then basic manners either, but I suppose they are. For me, these are the actions of a normal busy mum who's used to running a family.

The tidying up I refer to is the hard graft - stacking and moving 30-odd chairs, lugging kitchen/trampoline/slide into cupboard, searching the room to locate all of the toy cars... etc.

So come the end of singing time, I may well go straight out the door to get my toddler home for lunch and naptime instead of tidying the toys away.

These are not things that is call "tidying up". I wouldn't actually call then basic manners either, but I suppose they are. For me, these are the actions of a normal busy mum who's used to running a family.

To you perhaps, but not everyone. I think this is it, we spend our lives on MN talking at cross purposes. Your normal is another person's 'helping'.

Although no one ever gave me a nappy while I was washing up, that is a whole new level.

I leave just before the end. If I stayed I would be physically restraining two hysterical toddlers, so not much help. Nice to know that I'm being silently judged though. Should I stop going if I can't help tidy?

They are not going to learn if you keep avoiding the situation are they? Teach them that is part of the group.

KERALA

I am perfectly calm and not het up. Thanks again deary!

rightwine when you have twin toddlers try telling me that I need to intentionally put them in situations that I know they find stressful so that they can 'learn'. What are they learning exactly?

You sound extremely riled and are quite aggressive about a banal topic. Hey ho free country and all that

Dani240 well as I would have been there with my two tidying up extra because yours "would be so upset", yes, I'd probably have judged you.

Great, so you'd prefer for me to not come at all if I'm unable to to tidy up time? Fantastic.

I didn't comment on that. I said I'd judge you. Everyone else manages to wrangle tired children and still help. Yes they tantrum but they do need to learn that the world does not revolve around them. Other children will be sitting there longer because your children couldn't be in a room where toys were being cleared.

Right so my options are:

1. Not go to play group at all
2. Go to play group, but leave just before the end
3. Go to play group, stay while the toys are being put away. I wouldn't be able to help because I would be physically restraining two screaming toddlers who don't understand why the trains have been taken away. For the entirety of tidy up time. Your poor children will still have to tidy for longer because we won't be able to help. Leave as the songs start anyway, disturbing everyone with the noise. Take an hour at home to calm down.

You don't think I should do 2 and I won't be doing number 3 so I guess I'll stay home.

I am working with them on this problem. They are very good at tidying away at home and at playdates but they find play group very full on anyway and the loss of the trains pushes them over the edge! They aren't even two yet, and their language and comprehension isn't sufficiently advanced to understand my explanations of what is happening.

The only thing that staying for tidying away time would do is put me off ever going to play group. Multiple parents are more likely to be isolated and suffer from PND anyway. It's a bit sad that you feel the need to judge rather than having a bit of understanding and compassion. Can't you be teaching your children that in society we don't just tidy our own messes, we help each other?

I have three children. My eldest was 38 months old when third was born. So I'd have actually been wrestling 2 toddlers and a newborn at play group. It's not a competition but if you want one Try being ready to burst and chasing a nearly 2 year old and nearly 3 year old.

Or having a newborn and a just walking 12 month old. I'm most definitely not super mum, I just would have felt like an arse not helping.

ey aren't even two yet, and their language and comprehension isn't sufficiently advanced to understand my explanations of what is happening.

That's every child and every parent there though don't you see that?

Dani as it says above people understand and the main thing is that you stop your DC getting the trains out again as not everyone does . But if and when they are a bit older/ more manageable then maybe give something back then?

At ours though there were lots of other opportunities to show a bit of willing - for example picking up stray cups after snack/ helping pour children's drinks/ just keeping an eye out and being considerate while it's on for the 'lesser' side - on the more full on side admin outside/ finances/ preparing craft tasks/ leading the singing (which was the one we had most difficulty with actually, lugging boxes most mums preferred in comparison)

That's every child and every parent there though don't you see that?

She has 2 not 1 which makes a difference. Plus some people are more laid back than others and can be chilled about different situations, it isn't a right/ wrong situation.

If your kids have melt downs when stuff is put away you need to get them used to it... you have plenty of this to look forward to.. turning off the tv, leaving people's houses etc. They need to learn it's time to tidy up :-)

IWillCrushYouLikeABug that's not the same because a three year old has a lot more understanding and a newborn doesn't move!

Increasinglymiddleaged thanks. I'm sure most people would understand! Yes of course I do the tidying that happens through the group - tidying the cups (not just the cups belonging to my children IWillCrushYouLikeABug!) and putting the blocks back if they get scattered to the winds etc. I also have two regular volunteering posts and I like to think that I'm a giver rather than a taker. Just that at the moment it's too difficult for me to help in this specific instance.

user1483972886 I am getting them used to toys going away. We do it a lot at home and they are fine at other people's houses. Their anxiety over losing the trains at play group is not going to get better by constantly exposing them to the stress of it! Maybe this is just a parenting style difference between us, but I wouldn't consider it helpful to continually put them in a situation that I know they find impossible to cope with, and trigger meltdowns. My strategy is to work on similar things at home and in lower stress situations, then try them again in a few months.

If your kids have melt downs when stuff is put away you need to get them used to it... you have plenty of this to look forward to.. turning off the tv, leaving people's houses etc. They need to learn it's time to tidy up :-)

Toddler group is not the place for this training