Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

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DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

He's never chosen to finish early or close for her yet he has for a wedding and mates. How can anyone think she's unreasonable here!

If the rule is that parents aren't supposed to take a day of for kids birthdays - then that rule should work both ways and they don't take a day off for their own birthday either.

"So he has worked 6 days a week to provide her with a home, food and birthday presents and that isn't enough." Maybe she would rather have had his time spent with her rather than his money on presents?

Yes I think she is being unreasobable and stroppy however she is obviously upset and feels her dad didn't care enough about her birthday which infact is just one of those things he was working but went for birthday dinner teenagers sense of entitlement can be out standing imo

Grown ups have jobs and it isn't always practical for them to not go into work for the day because there's a birthday in the family. It's loss of income. Fait enough to take off your own BD but you can't have days off for every BD. Your DD is being spoilt IMO

Honestly your DD is being stroppy imo. It's hardly like he's away 24/7 and hasn't been able to spend time with her at all on her birthdays. Unless her birthday is in the middle of the summer/Christmas she is going to have had many birthdays during school term time and so is your DH is expected to take the whole day off just because it's her birthday? Yes he might have more flexibility as the co-owner, but then he also has more responsibilities to his shop - he might have stuff scheduled in for her birthday that he can't change, or at least not without pissing off customers or inconveniencing suppliers/deliveries etc. And that's without mentioning the fact that his 6 day work weeks means that she has a roof over her head, food on the table and presents to open on her birthday.

DD's birthday is in the summer but even then I and her dad have to work and with shared custody where she is on her birthday depends on whose week it is. We try to get time off for her birthday to go and do something fun, but if we can't then she knows we'll have a birthday tea at home on her actual birthday (with the NRP for that week dropping by with her birthday presents) and then on the next day off we'll have her party and/or do whatever activity she wants to. There's no way either her dad or I could just take a day off purely because it's her birthday. Theoretically we could do it but we have to put the fact that the bills have to be paid to keep food on the table for her and a roof over her head above her desire to have her birthday all about her to the exclusion of everything else.

When I was growing up, my dad worked offshore so he'd be away for a month/6 weeks at at time. He missed countless of my and my siblings' birthdays, not through choice but because he had to work and couldn't just pop home early to go to the zoo. We were understandably disappointed but it just meant we celebrated without him, he'd try to call on our birthdays at least, and then when he came home we'd go out to celebrate our second birthday of the year. Most of the time my siblings' birthdays were during the school year (mine is in the summer) so even if dad was home, we would celebrate at the weekend rather than trying to force all the celebrating into the actual birthday after school.

So she was fine when your DH was consistent and couldn't be there because of work. The trouble has started when he demonstrated that he COULD shut up shop, for a jolly, not for his DD.

I'm sympathetic as if there were 6 that could go a certain day then it was shut up shop or miss out. But from a passionate teenager's perspective he's shown her that she's less important than friends.

I'd actually sit down and have an adult chat with her. Yes, it sucks that he shut shop for them and not her. However how much social life does he have? Someone working that hard, to support the family, does need and deserve some down time. If he's always out that's one thing, but a rare day out, nobody should begrudge.

If the rule is that parents aren't supposed to take a day of for kids birthdays - then that rule should work both ways and they don't take a day off for their own birthday either.

I don't think the DH is asking for that though? Presumably either the dinner at the weekend has been organised for his day off or for the evening, after his usual work day.

So the rule is working both ways - either the DH is working on his birthday and is having dinner afterwards or this year his birthday just happens to fall on his day off (as it will every seven years assuming that he has the same day off every week)

If her b'day have been celebrated only on the very specific day of her b'day, the you have created an issue too.
Just like it should have been OK to say 'nope' cant strat iuntil 4.00pm and your dad is back from work.
Easy.
Thats what working parents do (so that should be 99% of poeple as you will always have at least one parent working).

This doesnt change the fact he did make an effort for his mate but not for her.
I would imagine though that the issue is bigger than just b'days if this is the only time she can thing when he has been able to find time for his friends but not for her.
See the fact she doesnt want to eat dinner with him etc...
What are you going to do about the bigger issue?

Why shouldn't the dh take one day off in the last few as op states to have a day out with friends? He is there on his dd birthday on the evenings and can go out for dinner but that is not good enough.

She sounds spoilt

• is there on her birthdays

I'm completely you you and your DH on this.

we run a business and closing it for one day costs roughly £500 - £1000 special opccasion s and closure of the repair centre need to be carefully thought out and we have to plan around it as we havent taken on etxra staff yet.

this needs to be explain to her, yes he cant afford to close the shop on all occasions but she is still being treated to a lovely meal out etc its not as if you are leaving her out?

I am not sure I understand this - she is complaining that he did not take days off work for her birthday ? I can't imagine anyone doing this. Of course very nice if you could do it but given how difficult it is to cover holidays etc not an option for most of us.
But I guess at 15 it's her choice - but I wonder if she realises that the message she is giving is not the one she thinks she is giving ?

The main issue is likely that her dad works 6 days a week. That's a lot. Vast majority of people work 5 days. 6 days leaves very little family time, especially as a 6 day week must be totally exhausting. I also get the impression that he does not take holidays of any kind since he opened the shop. Is this correct?Not having a lot of time as a family can be incredibly disheartening to kids, take it from us who know.

The second issue is that the line seems to be the shop has to stay open, it's vital, we need to be open 6 days to afford to live. Especially if he doesn't take holidays this is going to be upsetting to the kids. When he started working for himself your DD probably thought she would see whim more but it seems she doesn't. He still works 6 days a week but now CHOOSES to keep the shop open above all else.It has NEVER shut, even for a couple of hours, for him to do something your DD asked him to do. However he has absolutely shot himself in the foot by choosing to shut for a day out with his mates. This will feel like a total slap in the face. The shop can't ever shut, even a couple of hours early for your DD but it can shut for an entire day for an outing with friends.

I think honestly you may need to look at your work/life balance and talk to your daughter. Find out why she's so upset. If you ignore this the resentment will likely build. It sounds like him shutting sh for mates and not her is the cause so figure out a way to sort it out. She feels left out. I suspect this is her trying to punish him. He wants her to go and she's hoping by refusing that he feels as bad as she does when she's asked him to do things on her birthday and he's said no.

Could your DH get some help in? Someone just to work a day a week to keep the shop open but reduce his days to 5?

DD is NBU.

Is DH's business actually viable or sensible to rely on for income if he has no cover whatsoever to take time off? What if he becomes ill?

Who on earth closes their business to go to the zoo with their child on their birthday every year? I mean, lovely if you do, but it is now bad parenting if you don't?? bizarre.

I also think it is unreasonable to tell a man who works 6 days a week that he is being selfish and putting his family last when he takes just one day to spend with his own friends. Presumably he uses the money from his business to help support his family and goes home to them every evening. Now it is unreasonable for him to have one day off with his friends - not one a week, one in total, ever. Is being a parent really meant to be that sacrificial?

Your dd might be feeling unloved by your dh for a lot of reasons. She may be a self-centered 15 year old who needs to be told that her father works for the family and is as entitled to anyone to actually have friends. You won't know until your dh sits down with her and talks to her.

Maybe she would rather have had his time spent with her rather than his money on presents? Maybe she's never gone hungry or been homeless then.

I do think you've created this situation by agreeing to do a big thing after school on the day of her actual birthday if fell on a weekend day he normally worked. If you only allowed 'family day out' on the next Sunday/whichever was his day off and dinner as a family on her birthday (rather assuming DH could get home early enough to join in a family dinner and those 6 days a week weren't finishing after DCs bedtimes), then her "birthday memories" would include her father. Instead her memories are "Dad was never there" and he wasn't, because you decided to celebrate when he couldn't be there.

You do need to take responsibility for this between you and DH, you have both not bothered to make sure birthdays are something both parents celebrate. You've gone ahead with allowing a child to pick the timings when her Dad can't be there and your DH has opted out of making celebrating his DCs birthday anything to do with him.

Your DD has obviously accepted this over the years because "Daddy needs to work." but his behaviour has shown that when something matters to him, he doesn't need to work, he can shut the shop for a whole day (and she was often only wanting a few hours!).

He therefore has clearly not felt her 15th birthday (and possibly earlier ones) was something that mattered. That's quite shocking for a child to realise. That they aren't very high up on their Dad's priority list.

You are very wrong as a couple to not make birthday celebrations a family occassion for the children (even if this meant insisting on only celebrating at times the whole family could be together) but expect the children to make yours/your DH's birthdays family occasions.

If she doesn't want to go, don't make her. But talk to your DH about how you both can fix this.

I don't think the DD expected it every year.

She seemed fine with it while the same rule applied to everyone, but when he started being able to take time off for weddings/his mates and not for her, she understandably got a bit upset.

Do none of you remember how important that kind of stuff could feel at 15yo?

SIBU, she is 15 not 5 and surely understands the concept of being self employed. Why is she even getting to dictate when her birthday is celebrated? most people have to do it when it fits in with the rest of the familys schedules i.e. weekends/evenings.

Also cannot believe your DH is getting shit for taking ONE DAY off in a year after constantly working 6 days a week, he is allowed to do something for himself and shouldn't have to justify it.

He is not showing she/the family comes last, I think the family/she are not being inclusive to him and his work commitments by not waiting a couple of hours so he can join you.

I think posters are being deliberately obtuse.

It is fairly clear that the DD is hurt that she is not as important to the dh as a jolly with his mates.

Your dd is telling you something. Please listen.

She is being very unreasonable, and I think she's treating her dad appalling. Most people work and have to go out in the evening for birthdays or celebrate on the nearest weekend, why does she have to be so different.

If I'm reading this right your dh closed his shop for a friends wedding, surely that's a once in a lifetime event for his friend where as dd birthday is every year.

Would be then have to take a day off for his/yours/other siblings.

Can you imagine if children started taking days of for their birthdays.

I think posters are being realistic not obtuse

The dad has worked 6 days a week for many years to support his family is he not allowed a break? A day off to relax with friends?
He has offered to celebrate his DDs birthday in the evening or the closest weekend. She is being a brat and refusing. A family consists of more than just 1 person.

I am sure everytime this little princess wants new clothes/money to socialise/phone/ipad she is not theowing a strop with daddy that he works too much.

DH has never taken a day off for our DC's birthdays. He has taken days off for things like weddings, piss ups with friends, my birthday, his birthday and just because.
The kids open presents and have birthday breakfast before he goes to work and we celebrate when he gets home. Parties etc tend to be planned for when he is off on Sat afternoon or Sunday.

You both need to get to root of why your DD feels the way she does.

OK, I think that maybe your daughter had chosen the wrong battle, but she clearly has some feelings around how available her dad has been to her. It may be just that this is a solid and clear instance where she can point to it. Many people seem to take a relatively small or explicable event and blow it up for reasons not solely related to the actual event. And she is only 15, some emotional immaturity is very age appropriate.

Have a chat with her and try to draw out what's really going on.

As to people who want her to be grateful in the face of what she feels is lacking in her relationship with her dad because she wasn't homeless, jesus.

I think at 15 it is quite mean to insist having her birthday treat at a time he's working. I would make mine a lunch when she's at school.