Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

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DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

It is a shame that your husband forgot he has a child once she hit 8. She still needs him just as much now as he did then. He has a lot of apologising to do.

I agree with Mumoftwo. You have been treating her like an adult. You did when you let her make decisions on birthday celebrations excluding her father. And you did when you expected her to understand and accept the change in family circumstances where her father was present but no longer available.

I totally understand your husband decided to have a change in career and there is no issue with this. However neither of you as parents thought to discuss this with her nor thought of the impact on her life. You seem to have been going on automatic. I wonder what else your dd needs clarification on and family talk time. She's going through a difficult age.

My father worked all hours in his own business. I used to get up early in the morning - 5am just to have a little time with him as he was never around. He gave me a slice of toast and I waved him off to work when I was little. We had two weeks a year family holidays and the occasional weekend away. I had no doubt he loved me. I needed him around more though as your dd needs her father.

And what mrsdustybusty said.

No she's not. He doesn't want to take her birthday off but will gladly do it for a wedding or his mates, yet he expects her to do what he wants because it's his birthday?

No. This is his own fault.

I've only read half the thread because tbh I'm finding it confusing - but I'm with your daughter here. She may be a bit unreasonable, but that's typical at that age - it doesn't matter what she's doing, it's why she's doing it. She's obviously hurt and feels like he CBA with her, so she's giving him a dose of his own medicine. If you have given her choice thusfar, you need to respect her choice here.

A wedding, fine. Going out with his mates? If he can shut for that, he could shut for a birthday. Yes, it's nitpicking, and it's childish, but she's trying to make a statement here. It's not even about the birthday, it's about him putting others ahead of her - or that she feels that way, even if it's not the case.

This makes such sad reading.
She is crying out to be loved by her father and he doesn't seem to care she must feel very lonely.

I was that 15 year old. It was never a teenage strop, just showing how I felt in the way teenagers do. No one cared and I have spent the last 20 years trying to get my father to notice me, to love me and at nearly 40 have given up. Now I'm just sad that I spent so many years trying.

Your daughter won't regret it but you and your DH will if he doesn't step up and you don't show some understanding.

Maybe your DH should sit down with her and say how important it is to him that she is there? It may be too late though.

Just caught up - OP you need to have a think as to why you're defending his - quite frankly, rubbish - behaviour. You haven't had a family day out in 7 years? Your husband does his own thing, away from his family, on his one day off a week? You asked your child to do what her Dad wants if she wants to spend time with him? Does he ever spend any quality time with you?

It sounds like your daughter is really missing her Dad, OP.

He needs to sort this out or he won't have a relationship with her at all.

Yeah, but there's no reason to think he cares.

OP you need to have a think as to why you're defending his - quite frankly, rubbish - behaviour. You haven't had a family day out in 7 years? Your husband does his own thing, away from his family, on his one day off a week? You asked your child to do what her Dad wants if she wants to spend time with him? Does he ever spend any quality time with you?

This in spades. He needs to step up fast and hard and hope it's not too late or else he won't have a relationship with her at all.

I think it's pretty unreasonable to expect a parent to take time off work for a birthday. Just have the party after work or on a different day like everyone else does.

bridge have you read the thread? On a different day he won't go, because his hobby is more important.

I think the thread has moved beyond taking time off for a birthday bridgetreilly.

I think some people commenting are being extremely thick.

The daughter has no choice but to celebrate her birthday on the actual day because the father has chosen that as a rule. He won't give up his hobby on his only day off to do something for her birthday because it isn't the actual day. What choice does the poor girl have but to celebrate it on the day after school, why he can't shut the shop two hours earlier than normal is beyond me. He can do it for mates and a wedding but not his daughter who, I might add, never complained about him not being there for any birsthdays when he couldn't physically get the time off work. Now that he can he chooses not to. What a twat.

OP I have a nearly 15 year old DD. Her favourite activity is shopping which happens to be the thing I hate most in the world. However, every couple of months, I spend a day traipsing round Oxford Street and Covent Garden with her because it makes her happy. I don't think that any parent should constantly cave into their child's demands but I don't think that that they should refuse to take part in anything that their child enjoys but they don't. It's about give and take.

There isn't enough info from the OP to form any judgement. We really don't know much about the dynamics. Did you all want your Dad at your teenage birthday parties? If most of you didn't, why does she? Does she feel neglected by him, does he not pay attention to her when he comes home from work in the evenings? We don't know.
Is it a culture thing? Perhaps he's from a culture where the men don't spend much time with women doing hobbies and outings. We don't know because the OP isn't saying much on the family dynamics and their relationship. That's up to her.

Just go with the flow - not worth making a fuss about - she has a point. Pick your fights when it comes to teenagers - save your fire for when she is experimenting with drugs.

DianaT1969

What we do know is that the DD wanted to spend time with her father for her birthday. He said no to leaving early from work and no to giving up his weekend hobby for one day to spend with her. We also know that she's had no 1-2-1 time with her father since she was 8.

So we can surmise that the DD wants to spend time with the DF, but the DF is not willing (though evidence shows that he is able) to do so.

The OP asked our opinion, and based on the information provided we certain can make a judgement. And cultural or otherwise, if a child is reach out and asking for time from a parent which he won't give, then we can make a judgement on the type of parent he is.

Diana there is plenty of information. There is so much information to judge on, less than we have would also be plenty. What are you reading?

Nope as a self employed person he can choose his days off. Even a half day for his DAUGHTERS birthday which He may not feel is important but SHE obviously did! Why the hell should she celebrate his birthday if he can't be arsed with hers. And NO that IS a SHIT thing for a dad to do and these are the big memories kids take with them into the future.

As a teenager that had parents not give a shit believe me it sticks ...I am 45 and still think about my forgotten 13th,16th, 18th and back then 21st even though I left home at 17 years old the fact that my family didn't give a shit while others were having big parties really hurt ...see even though I try not to be I am still bitter about it now!

Any update on this OP?