Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

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DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

I think she's being very mean and short sighted. I'm not big into adult birthdays but I do expect children to be respectful.
If I were him I'd cut out the funding she receives for a while to help her understand that he works long hours for the family - including her and not because he is selfish or uncaring.

Do none of you remember how important that kind of stuff could feel at 15yo? No but then my father didn't live to see my 15th birthday.

She never wanted to wait for her father to come home before going out to dinner.

What time would he have come home? And just who is parenting whom? I get at age 5/6 she'd struggle to wait to eat tea for 6.30pm. But as she got older, a good snack and dinner at a restaurant in the evening should have been the norm. Or a family party tea, cake and candles. And she should have been told this is how it would be not dictated to by a child. Family time on her actual birthday and a party on another day. Or vis versa.

It is a shame you've not created these family traditions. It's getting a bit late in the day starting some now with teens. But I'd really urge you to try to start some now. You and your dh really does have some apologising to do. At the end of the day, you let your child run the show and the only way round it is to tell her you've learnt by your mistakes and to ask her if she'd come with you and you'll have a family tradition from now on of all being there for her 16th and make a massive fuss of her.

OK, I think that maybe your daughter had chosen the wrong battle, but she clearly has some feelings around how available her dad has been to her.

^^ exactly.

I'm just amazed that anybody thinks it's reasonable for the dad to take a whole day off for his child's birthday! Forget about where he works, or how convenient it would be, surely it's just not a normal expectation?

I don't know anybody whose parents took the day off work for their (and presumably all other siblings) birthdays every year. Standard procedure was 'happy birthday,' and opening cards and presents in the morning if there was time - then parents went to work and children, including birthday child, went to school. Then go out for food in the evening.

unless your dd's birthday falls in the school holidays, surely most of the time she's been in school anyway on the actual day part? So how could she have preferred to celebrate in the day, unless you let her have every birthday off?

Otherwise where does it end? If both parents take the day off to spend with special moppet, plus she has the day off school, what about siblings?

Sorry but your daughter sounds a bit spoilt tbh a) wanting both parents to take the day off work for every birthday b) not appreciating that her dad is working to feed/clothe/etc her, c) wanting to do big activities for her birthday anyway (unusual after primary school age anyway?) d) not jumping at the chance of a nice meal out!

I think it is mean of your DD and I would give mine very short shrift for this behaviour. It is DH's birthday today, we have all been at work/school and we have had a family tea tonight when it is convenient for us all. No-one has taken a day off. Two days off work for your DH to do his own thing isn't much, she needs to grow up and realise adults have responsibilities.

onceand never...i was thinking exactly the same thing.

really ridiculous, the child's father was at work and was home to to birthday type things in the evening with her..what was she expecting both parents dancing attendance on her every whim all day on her birthday. At 15 she is old enough to put straight on her unreasonable and entitled views. The OP says the DD chose to do birthday activities during the day when she must have known dad could not attend, and wouldn't wait for him to get home for birthday celebrations...well her choice !
Honestly worried we are raising generations of entitled self centred individuals, what is the OP's DD going to do when she is an adult...expect her boss to give her the day off for her birthday, or a day off every time one of her off spring has a birthday ?

She sounds like she needs a wake up call...parents/adults have jobs and sometimes it aint convenient to drop that for a precious moppet..

onceandneveragain - while that's normal, it's not the norm for most families to throw the 'big' birthday celebration when one parent can't be there! It's the OP's decision to allow big family trips out or celebrations when Dad can't be there unless he takes time off work.

OP - As a couple, both of you have decided not to 'do' birthdays as a family event. Hardly surprising she can't be arsed doing it for her dad.

I'm on your DD's side.
DH needs to suck up a dose of his own treatment.

I think they are both U.

He could shut up early once to be there for her birthday.

She could do what 99.99% of other families do and have a birthday tea with family all together at home and save any special outings for when both parents were off work.

I think it's obvious, as pps have said, that she's realised she's lower on her Dad's list of priorities than a jolly with his mates, which he took a whole day for.

He could have shut the shop at 3.30 and enjoyed spending time with his daughter.
If he usually shuts at 5.30 that 2 hours he stayed open on her birthday looks like it'll cost a lot more than he gained in takings.
I wonder whether he thinks it was worth it.

Yes adults have to work. But your dh has shown her that attending a wedding and going out with his mates is imporatant enough to close early. But her birthday isnt.

So if her birthday is less important, to him, than someone else wedding and going out with his mates....why should she considee his birthday important l.

He has taught her that he thinks birthdays dont matter. He is reaping what he sows.

Good job we don't live in a society where casual assault of a minor is considered acceptable then, isn't it fatdogs?

She's definitely justified.

But Purple - the OP has always allowed the DD to have her birthday celebration without her dad there ! The OP is equally to fault here, she has say "yes" to parties/trips out without her DH for the DD's birthday since her DD was a little girl. The OP's DH hasn't complained or acted like this is wrong. They have both created a situation where the 'norm' for this family is the Dad to miss birthday celebrations !

At 15 the DD shouldn't be held accountable for the decisions her parents took about how to celebrate her birthday throughout her childhood. It's not the child's fault the parents thought it was OK for the Dad to not be there.

The OP is now belatedly realising that 'normal families' don't do this - and as such she's helped create a situation where the Dad doesn't join in celebrating his children's birthdays, yet expects them to celebrate his.

fatdogs the Ops husband isnt an alcholic and doesnt have any sort of disease.

I am sorry you have regrets over your dad. But not everyones situation is like yours.

I don't think so. I think some minor need to be disciplined and taught respect the hard way. But it is illegal here and so i respect those rules.

I think she's being totally unreasonable. My Dad missed pretty much all my birthdays as a child. It did make me feel a bit meh at the time but now I realise he was working to keep a roof over our heads.

I'd feel awful if I was so fucking ungrateful that I refused to do something for his birthday because of that. If my child did that to me at that age I would consider not paying for anything not necessary for a time. It's obviously not appreciated.

I agree with your DD on this.

@leda no OP husband is not an alcoholic. Which means he is actually missing those birthdays or attending them later than preferred by miss princess becuase he was actually using is time constructively by working. So that's a much better reason than being drunk in my book. Also it is ridiculous to hold his 2 incidences of leisure against him. What has society become that parents are sales to their children and have to account for any time which they take on their own? Where parents are held to ransom by their own children? What kind of self centred spoiled children are people breeding these days?

to clarify, it would be more 'normal' for a family breakfast or birthday 'tea' on the day, then a party/trip out on the weekend when the Dad isn't working and both parents could attend.

The OP arranging stuff when her DH couldn't go, she's created the situation where "dad doesn't bother with our birthdays."

It's not just a case of "who IBU, DD or DH?" but also the OP.