Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

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DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

She chose to do stuff during the day knowing her father couldn't make it because of work? She wouldn't wait for the next day off to celebrate with her father, she had to celebrate on her birthday?

I'm with your DH on this one, your DD has been, and is being unreasonable. I'd leave her at home to sulk.

DH can't take time off for the DC's birthdays, often he's travelling. We celebrate on the day without him and then again when he comes home. It sounds like your DH would be willing to do similar but your DD is too rigid in her thinking to agree. What does she think people who are deployed or work away on oil rigs or long term contracts do? Should they not get birthday celebrations because they aren't at home for a family member's?

I'm with your DD. I agree with the others - if he could close for a day out with mates (!), he could bother to close for his DD's birthday. That's a real slap in the face IMO.

user your missing the point completely. Ops Dh can take the day off to spend it with friends but won't close early to spend more time with his daughter on her birthday.

A wedding is not the same as a birthday, a wedding is hopefully a once in a life celebration.

If she never wanted to wait for her dad to get home before celebrating her birthday then what is he meant to do? The door swings both ways and it sounds like she wants everyone to fit round her for her birthdays when in RL it doesn't work that way.

So she has never wanted to wait til the evening so her dad could join in the celebrations or had a late or early birthday do on a day her dad could join in?

And she is moaning about him not being there for her birthdays? Errrr. Compromise is a word she should have been taught a long time ago.

Yes, I think she's upset because he closed for his friends. She had no issue when he was at his other job.

I don't think she is being unreasonable. A child's birthday is pretty vitally important. Yes, being self-employed has its draw backs - but that doesn't mean he shouldn't take holidays when it matters.

The more I think of it, the more I'm siding with your dh actually.

If his is the only income coming in especially, then it's understandable that he will work then celebrate in the evening.

I mean, maybe you should remind her who paid for the trip to the zoo!

Unless you have twenty children your DH is in the wrong IMO.

My Dad used to work 70+ hours a week. I can't remember him being around for any of my birthdays except my 18th and he was barely present at Christmas time.

Rationally I know that he did this to keep our family afloat. However I do not have the same relationship with him as I do my mother.

He tries so hard to make amends now he's retired bless him and is an incredible grandfather to my children but honestly I may as well as been from a divorced family for all the 'childhood family' memories I have. You can never recover this lost time.

However, I would have gone to anything for my father just to spend time with him. So whilst I think it's unfair that your husband thinks his mates are more important than his children's birthdays I do think at 15 your DD should just suck it up and be nice on her Dad's birthday.

How long ago did he shut up for his mates day out?

@Waltermittythesequel last year.

Yes, I agree about the money. He pays for it. I do work but I'm a 5 day a week mornings only.

If it's a school day, it's not normal for anyone to take the day off. However he should have been about evenings and weekends

As Walter's question, and how long did he shut for? A day? A few hours?

So he has worked 6 days a week to provide her with a home, food and birthday presents and that isn't enough. I'd be annoyed with her if she was mine.

I realise that you have probably provided as well but she can hardly claim he hasn't worked for her can she, unless he wastes all his money, if I missed that then she has a point.

I think your husband needs to talk to dd and say something nice like I'm sorry I missed your birthdays before and I didn't realise it was a big deal for you to have me there. Maybe he didn't see it meant a lot to her and thought she was happy enough with whatever birthday treat you had arranged.
Next birthday for her is her 16th and he could promise to shut the shop for that.
Maybe she is being a bit unreasonable but she is only 15 and it wouldn't take much for him to make her happy and improve their relationship.

That wasn't a dig at you, OP! More reminding a teen that adults have to work to pay for these things!

Why would he take a whole day off for a birthday? Sing over breakfast and do something at dinner, isn't that what most families do? She is being unreasonable, and selfish as only a teenager can be.

@ohfourfoxache a day

I know @Waltermittythesequel

He has closed it twice in how many years?

He is an adult and of course he can close it to do things. NO parent who works full time takes the whole day off for a child's birthday. Do they? Even if mine had asked, I would have laughed at the idea and arranged to do something when I was properly available - evening or weekend for example. WHy does he need to take the day off work? I really do NOT get this! Since when do teenage girls decide what their parents do during working hours. Let her stay at home and have a nice evening out.

Just let her stay home, if she doesn't want to go. If it was my child I'd would just smile say 'ok it is your choice' and then go enjoy myself with my husband, it's not a big deal, she may change her mind.

My Dh takes a days holiday when dds birthday falls on a weekend (he works shifts) so we can have an outing. It's not every year but it is a nice thing to do.

Trouble is that the longer he leaves it, the less chance there is that she'll want to spend any birthday with him. If he doesn't close for her 16th, what then? Promise her 17 or 18 birthday? It's a bit late then.

My dad worked 70/80 hour weeks. If he had a day off it would be during the week when we were at school. And it was shit. A lot of it was unpaid overtime. Even when he was at home he was working: all to make himself look good at work. He'd bring colleagues home for coffee or dinners and then just completely ignore us, spending all his time refusing to interact with us at all.

Our relationship only began to recover when dh and I moved in together. I was 24.

He missed out on a lot. So did I. And you never, ever get that time back.

He needs to think carefully about his priorities imho

To be honest OP I think you have helped to create this. She shouldn't have had the option of celebrating before dad got home, if she wanted to go out with family for a meal or whatever she should have "prioritised" dad being there, obviously different when she was 5 and wanted a party at soft play. If he was asking her to take a day off school to go to something I can see her point but a meal in the evening? She's a brat.

I am confused. Why are people making the whole day comments? Neither side has asked for that have they?