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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

395 replies

TrackedNoSignature · 07/06/2017 16:10

DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

OP posts:
RestlessTravellerTheSequel · 07/06/2017 17:06

I think she's being stroppy and I wouldn't stand for it. I'd the earnings from the shop pay for all manner of stuff for her, which I'd stop until she stops being such a madam.

budgiegirl · 07/06/2017 17:11

I think that she's being unreasonable. I don't know a single person who takes a day off for their child's birthday. Working parents either celebrate with their children in the evening, or on a day when they are all available. He didn't miss her birthday completely, he was working, and as there in the evening.

It's different from a wedding, you can't ask a bride and groom to change the day of the celebration to suit your day off.

And your DH has shut for one day, last year, to go out with his mates? That sounds reasonable to me.

ZerbaPadnaTigre · 07/06/2017 17:12

Is this possibly about more than her birthday? Does she feel he misses a lot of other stuff as well? It's not the norm for parents to take time off work for their children's birthdays.

My parents work together and worked opposite shifts when us kids were young enough to need childcare. We just celebrated birthdays on the closest day they both had off. If anything, we saw it as a positive because we'd get more than one day of celebration.

choli · 07/06/2017 17:12

If she doesn't understand the concept that work=paying the bills at 15, it's about time she learned. Maybe time for her to get a part time job.

corythatwas · 07/06/2017 17:12

yes, scottishdiem, the dd effectively has asked for that by insisting that her birthday celebrations should be in the day and on the actual birthday rather than either in the evening or (as most childen with working parents) on the nearest weekend when both parents are free.

I don't know any parents who would have allowed this (we certainly wouldn't) so think the OP and her dh have been binding a bit of a rod for their back here.

Only thing to do now is to point out to your dd that unless her dad is actually asking her to take time off school for her birthday, then these are not equal cases. Point out that she has been excluding her dad by not planning her birthday celebrations at a time when he was available.

Yes, the situation with the mates was unfortunate, but it does seem to have been a one-off.

HighwayDragon1 · 07/06/2017 17:14

She is making a simple point. He has shown her she is less important than her friends, she is doing the same.

paxillin · 07/06/2017 17:14

SIBU. How much money would there have been for the zoo if he lost a whole day's taking? Maybe he will not bankroll the plans deliberately made to exclude him: Yes, he would come for dinner in the evenings after work but DD opts to do things in the day.

Creampastry · 07/06/2017 17:16

She is being a stroppy teenager but I get her. He can close for his friends but not his DD?! Despite the details, essentially she sees him as putting others first. I'd let them sort it out.

kaytee87 · 07/06/2017 17:16

I see her point and at the age of 15 I wouldn't expect her to be the bigger person in a situation like this. A 15 year old will be far more hurt that her dad hasn't spent any of her birthdays with her than her dad will be at her not coming to his birthday dinner.

GwenStaceyRocks · 07/06/2017 17:19

I don't think she is being UR. When your DH wants to play happy families, you all have to crowd round but when your DD asked him to be a more active part of the family for her birthday, he refused. Why is this birthday special to him? Is it just because it is his? Or is it a significant age?

IloveBanff · 07/06/2017 17:19

Parents are meant to take a day off work for their children's birthdays are they? Who knew?

FloatyCat · 07/06/2017 17:19

Stroppy teenager IMO, but why on earth did you let her go to zoo and other 'birthday stuff' without your DH? This has caused the issue.

FlossyMooToo · 07/06/2017 17:19

Dad didnt work we didnt eat.
We were taught not to be precious about such selfish things as birthdays.
I always appreciated that my dad gave up time with us to provide for us. I know it was not easy for him.

I am sure your 15 yo will also appreciate the effort her dad went to when she grows up.

ArchieStar · 07/06/2017 17:19

My DF used to own a shop. If he closed for the day for a piss up with his mates and didn't do the same for me at your DDs age I would be gutted. To her it is showing he has wrong priorities. Is there a reason she chose to celebrate without him previously or did she just not bother asking as she knew he couldn't in previous job?

inlectorecumbit · 07/06/2017 17:19

I'm with your DD on this one.
Your H can close to spend time with his friends but not to spend time with his DD on her birthday. To close the shop for a day would have been worth it to save their relationship, as it stands the damage has been done and it will take a hell of a lot to fix, if it is actually fixable.
Birthdays are very special when you are growing up and that is when memories are created, Your DD's memories are of an absent father !

scottishdiem · 07/06/2017 17:22

"yes, scottishdiem, the dd effectively has asked for that by insisting that her birthday celebrations should be in the day and on the actual birthday rather than either in the evening or (as most childen with working parents) on the nearest weekend when both parents are free."

Oh I see. As a child my parties with friends were at the weekend but something special was done on the day with the whole family. I dont think I would have been allowed to choose something just after school though.

Oddly, my DP and I now do actually take our birthdays off work and just relax and have a nice quiet day.

Still think that closing the shop for mates and a wedding was the wrong choice if closing the shop early for a few hours for a daughters birthday isnt an option.

Ceto · 07/06/2017 17:24

Another way of looking at this is that she had the chance to do something on her birthdays that he could attend and she chose not to. However, I realise that she might have wanted to do activities that could only happen earlier in the day - could she have done both?

I think she is being a bit bratty. I assume she doesn't refuse the birthday presents that his money buys for her, nor does she realise that the cost of her birthday celebrations comes out of the proceeds of his work.

caffeinestream · 07/06/2017 17:24

She is absolutely not being a brat or unreasonable.

Her father can't be arsed to close early/take a day off for his own child, but he's happy to close when it comes to his friends? That's shitty imo. Kids notice these things. She even asked him and it still wasn't important enough for him.

Maybe him refusing to go will teach him a bit of a lesson about how to treat his children.

NataliaOsipova · 07/06/2017 17:25

there are some things that money can't buy

I wholeheartedly agree with this. BUT - and it is a big but - there are many things that only money can buy. Food, clothes, heating, trips out etc. And I think children can lose sight of the fact that work=money to support the whole family's lifestyle. I've occasionally had my DDs innocently ask why daddy isn't with us on a day out and I've taken the opportunity to explain that, while he would like to have done so, he is working and that means we have the money to be able to do whatever nice thing we are doing. I think that's a really important lesson for a fifteen year old.

Yes, I can understand she's upset if she's asked him to be off and he can't or won't. But it's a little rich to hold a once in a blue moon day with his friends against him, especially if he's offered her the option of a birthday celebration in the evening or on a weekend day. I would sympathise with her frustration, but my view is that you should gently put the case to her that she benefits greatly and directly from her father's work and encourage her to go to dinner.

RiverTam · 07/06/2017 17:27

Presumably in order to attend a wedding there's no option but to close for the day, whereas he could do something in the evening of his DD's birthday which she has rejected.

And good luck to her thinking that things like this operate on a tit-for-tat basis, that'll stand her in good stead Hmm.

caffeinestream · 07/06/2017 17:28

I don't understand the money argument.

He can obviously shut one day a week (as he works six days), and he can obviously choose to close at other times (for weddings or his friends) so why can't he plan to do so for his child? It's not as though her birthday comes as a surprise - it's the same date every year!

WingsofNylon · 07/06/2017 17:29

I'm with your dd. She is making a very clear point. Let her make it and respond by not trying to guilt her. You will probably find that by doing that she will change her mind at the last minute because she will have felt herd. Teenagers then just want to be heard.

WritingHome · 07/06/2017 17:29

This thread is a bit bonkers! I am with the dh and think the dd is acting a bit spoilt. Surely over the years she could have celebrated her birthday after work with him if it was a weekday or at the nearest weekend if it was an activity based event?

We do not take a day off for dd's birthday and we never have. We celebrate with a family dinner and cake / movie or dinner out after work and then she does her activity party with her friends on the nearest available weekend - has been like this since she was tiny.

It was the same for me growing up.

I think she is being massively unreasonable to refuse to have dinner with him on the basis that he closed once for a wedding and once to meet up with friends - poor dh!

stuntcamel · 07/06/2017 17:29

Yes, she is being stroppy, but she isn't being unreasonable. She is upset and feels disappointed that he's never made the effort to celebrate her birthday with her. His actions are proving to her that she isn't very important to him. Your DH might be working all the hours God sends to provide material things for his family, but she doesn't want things, she wants him to be there for her sometimes. She wants him to care about her. At the moment she thinks he doesn't.

Jux · 07/06/2017 17:30

Let him deal with it, and keep out. This is about dd's relationship with her father and she and he are old enough to manage it themselves. At 15 she is feeling strong and confident enough in herself to tackle it. It's a symbolic action, sending him a strong message, and he needs to take it on the chin and negotiate with her, make the effort to improve their relationship himself. You can't do it for him.

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