Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

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DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

I suppose both in the wrong really?

Nope, your DH is in the wrong here. Poor lass, he doesn't appear to give a shit about her

All those times I've sat in mcdonalds or gone to another bloody pizza place or watched a cartoon - how stupid of me, the kids should come to my choice of restaurant and my arthouse films or they can forget it!
I'm starting to doubt you OP you seem to have such a weird acceptance of his disengagement from family life.

Poor bloody kid :(

Oh gosh sorry, yes he has read her a bedtime story, etc. he was great back in the day. Id find him laying in her cot when I woke up in the morning where he had been there all night and he'd get up and quickly get ready and go to work and he had been in work the day before. He was an amazing dad. It all changed I think from when she started school. He hasn't really done anything since then, he used to come out as a family until she was about 8 but that has stopped for around 7 years. I don't think we have had a day out with him for that long. That's quite sad actually.

No, I really don't think it's ok and this thread has really got me thinking.

So no quality time for over half of her life and you are wondering why she doesn't want to give up her time to celebrate his birthday?

Good on her I say maybe you could learn a lesson from her

7 bloody years? And you've never flagged that up with him? I think he's left it too late. You both have.

So, nothing within her memory? So as far as she's aware he's never spent time with her. He's telling her that he doesn't see her as worth spending time with. That her interests don't matter, celebrating her birthday (the anniversary of her actual existence - yes, teens can think that dramatically) doesn't matter, missing her childhood doesn't matter, that basically nothing about her is worth liking or having an interest in.

Is that the value he would like her to set on herself?

No, they never do anything 1-1 at all. Is that really that strange though? They wouldn't want to do the same thing. The restaurants she likes, he doesn't and visa versa.

So?! He's the PARENT. I don't know many parents who want to spend their weekends at soft-play, or standing in the freezing rain by football pitches, but they do it anyway because that's what you do as a parent.

He sounds monumentally shit, frankly. Poor kid.

I am metaphorically waving poms poms here for your DD. She sounds smart, unwilling to accept an injustice and standing up for herself. Despite everything. Good on her. I hope she continues to stand by her opinions.

Your poor DD!!! Massive hugs for her!

He doesnt spend anytime with her?

Why would she give a shiney shite abiut his birthday.

I dont like our local italian. But dd does, so i take her. I dont like soft plau, ds does so i take him.

Why have you put up with him treating her like this? And why are you surprised she isnt interested in him?

I actually did ask her about that - if she really wanted time with him, why doesn't she go to a certain restaurant,

Errr...is it because she is the CHILD? Fucking hell, do you think parents actually ENJOY soft play? Oh my days...

So basically you think she should do the things that he wants to do, no wonder she has totally checked out of the relationship.

She is 15 and believes her Dad does not care or is bothered by her. Its not 6 of one half a dozen of the other, one is a grown man who is her parent, the other is a 15 year old girl who is the child.

The question for you now OP, is what do you want to happen now? Do you think they have a relationship that can be rescued?

OK, at the risk of being jumped on, what is your relationship like with your DH OP? I think it's relevant.

*No, they never do anything 1-1 at all. Is that really that strange though? They wouldn't want to do the same thing. The restaurants she likes, he doesn't and visa versa. I actually did ask her about that - if she really wanted time with him, why doesn't she go to a certain restaurant, etc. I don't think she really had an answer, it was more of a "he should come to the one I want as I would hope being out with me was more important" but then I suppose both in the wrong really?

I don't know, I think 6 of one really.*

You see - I just lurrrvvveee soft play places. And watching gymnastics classes. And sitting outside a dance class is just marvellous. And I know Dh is just longing for Saturday morning so he can stand in a thunderstorm and watch ds trip over his own feet whilst attempting to play football.

You seem to be treating her as an equal adult who has equal responsibility in the compromises needed to mak a family work. And have been doing that since she was 8.

I guess if that is how you feel then that is fine. But she has made an adult choice that your husband's birthday is not important to her. So let her crack on.

There is a great phrase that is used often on Mumsnet:-

Don't make someone a priority if they only see you as an option.

OP I started off by agreeing with you that it's a bit of both but now I'm totally on your DD's side. And as for only doing things they both enjoy- I'm no martyr mummy but I have spent literally thousands of hours pushing my DCs on swings, reading the same book or watching the same DVD over and over again, playing hide and seek with a child who always hid in the same place, standing shivering on the sidelines of a football pitch. That's what parents do. I hated the toddler years but I saw it as an investment for when they became more interesting.
I have gone back to work full time when my DCs were 7-9 months old and I do have moments of guilt about it. However, I have made a point to absolutely prioritise spending time with them when I'm not at work. They know that they come first. I work 5 days a week rather than 6 and I could never justify to myself spending a whole day of my 2 days off on a hobby, let alone my only day a week off.

Where is she in his priority list OP?

So your husband doesn't spend any time with your DD, either one to one or as a family, could but won't take a couple of hours off for her birthday when he's missed every birthday beforehand and not even made it up to her at the weekend, yet she's expected to go to his birthday meal to celebrate his birthday? Why the hell should she?

OPim glad its mace you think. Years and years of him working for the family!y but not being part of it.
What to e does he get in from work? Do you all have dinner together? On a Sunday do you have a family roast, a trip to the park etc? Last family holiday? And to echo up thread, what is your relationship like with him?

He sounds very isolated from the family unit of you and DD

if she really wanted time with him, why doesn't she go to a certain restaurant, etc. I don't think she really had an answer, it was more of a "he should come to the one I want as I would hope being out with me was more important" but then I suppose both in the wrong really?

No, just him in the wrong assuming we're still talking about birthday meals. You're not honestly suggesting that she needs to choose her dad's favourite restaurant if she wants him to participate in her birthday or it's partly her fault if he doesn't come???

She's treating him as he has treated her. He has set hte example, and he is the grown up. Let him behave like a grown up and show her how to do it - "yes O beloved daughter of mine, being with you is enough and I will go to MacDonald's and eat vile food with my fingers and enjoy it because I am with you." if he had done that even once, she would be more amenable now.

It's quite shameful to think that your child should change their birthday meal if they want their parents to attend. Why isn't he wondering how to build this relationship? Is he that stupid, oblivious or obtuse?