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Original poster

Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

395 replies

TrackedNoSignature · 07/06/2017 16:10

DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

OP posts:
GoodyGoodyGumdrops · 08/06/2017 15:24

Kids spell 'love' T - I - M - E.

Sirzy · 08/06/2017 15:29

Are people deliberately ignoring the fact that this "father" won't even miss his hobby the week of his child's birthday? How on earth can that be reasonable behaviour

MistressDeeCee · 08/06/2017 15:30

I would feel as your DD does. But Im also mindful that your DH certainly is a worker. I divorced my 1st H due to his unwillingness to hold down a job for any decent amount of time. He made us as a family suffer through never quite having enough to eat or live decently. I wish my DDs didnt have to go thru that at a young age. Your DD at least, doesnt

Lunde · 08/06/2017 15:32

Inky

Have you read the update where the DH refuses to go to his DD's birthdays even if they wait until the weekend as him hobby is too important for him to miss

MistressDeeCee · 08/06/2017 15:32

If asked to give up his hobby on 1 day a year by his DD it should be a no brainer to say yes tho, thats for sure. They arent young forever, time missed cant be grabbed back

MommaGee · 08/06/2017 15:36

if she was craving attention she'd go to his meal. It's a strop. A teenage strop yes because 15 year Olds are rational... She asked for time, Dad said you're less important than everything else, she's retaliating because she's a hurt child.

And her comment about "when his old and wants to spend time I'll send cash" is spot on and says volumes. She knows Dad would rather pay cash than time

RhiWrites · 08/06/2017 16:21

e doesn't even see why she would mind that he prioritised his regular weekly hobby sunday over her childhood birthday family outings to the zoo as long as he pays for things in absentia, yet when she says that when he is old she will fund him but not be present for him you say she's "so rude".

^This.

If her dad's idea of parenting is like inkypink's then he feels providing material things is a sufficient indication of care.

Why is this "so rude" when the 15 year old says she'll follow suite? She's saying that she's learnt not to expect emotional support and her dad should do the same.

Writerwannabe83 · 08/06/2017 16:22

I went to a funeral last week and one of the speakers was the deceased's 21 year old son.

He got up and spoke about the relationship with his father and explained that his father had always been quite distant and emotionless towards him and they'd never spent any real time together as his father's job/social life had always come first.

He said that he only had two memories of his father spending quality time with him.

Two happy memories in over 21 years.

He wasn't angry or bitter during his speech, he wasn't trying to provoke anyone, he was just being honest and he looked heart broken by what he was saying. He may have been a 6ft tall grown man but it was like looking at a young boy who had never felt loved or had never felt like he really mattered.

I had tears in my eyes whilst he spoke because he was obviously harbouring a lot of hurt and resentment and it was difficult to hear him talk with so much pain and grief in the knowledge that he never really knew his dad and that he grew up knowing he wasn't a priority.

OP: life is short, some people think they're invincible but the truth is our lives could be cut short and your DH needs to know that the people in his life, ESPECIALLY his children, should be his priority and he should make quality time for them.

Your daughter is not being unreasonable and I imagine if she ever had to speak at her father's funeral she would probably sound like the gentleman in my example above.

grannytomine · 08/06/2017 16:36

Clothing, feeding and buying gifts is something that you've got to do, as the minimum, no Parent should get a round of applause for that. Plenty of kids don't get that and they would probably be more than happy to give a round of applause to a parent who provided that for them.

Iggi999 · 08/06/2017 16:38

Run4fun the sexist throwback is thinking that the man of the house is entitled to personal downtime every single day off and does not need to involve himself in childcare.
I'm really amazed anyone can think this is ok. I am glad the dd is not simply going to suck it up as there's a chance she will expect more from men in the future.

Iggi999 · 08/06/2017 16:39

Writer that is a sobering post.

grannytomine · 08/06/2017 16:41

Your daughter is not being unreasonable and I imagine if she ever had to speak at her father's funeral she would probably sound like the gentleman in my example above. My father died when I was 13, he worked 7 days a week to provide for us and build up a business, when I was very young he had a fulltime job and worked evenings and weekends as a barman to save money to start his own business. I am proud of him and loved him more than I can say. If I had been old enough to speak at his funeral, wouldn't have been considered appropriate then don't know if it would now, I would have said how proud I was of him, I would remember the nights I sneaked downstairs after bedtime to listen to his stories as he had his supper. So maybe she would sound like the young man or maybe she would sound like me, who knows?

DianaT1969 · 08/06/2017 16:47

I love my dad to bits but didn't want him at my childhood birthday parties. They usually started straight after school and I was more interested in the friends coming or the activity.
She is showing a complete lack of respect for the person who has cared for her by bringing money into the household.
How you deal with this speaks volumes about you too. Do you want a stroppy, entitled daughter or one who appreciates and respects her parents and what they do for her?

Iggi999 · 08/06/2017 16:52

Diana is he caring for her when he does his hobby every weekend and refuses to spend time with her? It's kind of irrelevant who you wanted at your parties, the dd has requested her dad to do something with her on his day off, and been turned down.

Sirzy · 08/06/2017 16:54

love my dad to bits but didn't want him at my childhood birthday parties. They usually started straight after school and I was more interested in the friends coming or the activity.

Which is great for you. But that's not the OPs daughters view on it.

I wasn't interested by parties and would much rather have spent time with family for my birthday.

Thankfully as hardworking as my Dad was when he wasn't in work he actually wanted to spend time with his family rather than find excuses to be be away from them every day off!

caffeinestream · 08/06/2017 17:07

I love my dad to bits but didn't want him at my childhood birthday parties. They usually started straight after school and I was more interested in the friends coming or the activity.

That's pretty irrelevant, though.

OP's daughter wants her dad there, asked for him to be there, and he still couldn't be bothered to show up. He would rather do his hobby or hang out with his mates than spend time with his child, even though he knows that's what she wants.

TikkaToRide · 08/06/2017 17:19

Seems like everything comes before her. Work is 6 days a week. On the 7th day it seems his hobby then comes first. Does he ever spend any time with you as a family? Does she ever see him?

He is totally unwilling to take any time off for her birthday, which is important to her, even when she begged him. However he did take an entire day off to go out with his mates. I'm absolutely not surprised she is so upset.

Can't you see this is about how he never prioritises her? She's making a stand. He won't do things for her birthday so why should she do things for his.

I didn't see you answer the holiday question. Does he ever take holidays? Did he take holidays from the old job? I expect she thought the new job would mean she saw him more but she actually sees him less and it's upsetting her.

Whileweareonthesubject · 08/06/2017 17:27

There are a lot of parents on this thread who I can foresee featuring on the stately homes thread in a few years time.

rightwhine · 08/06/2017 17:30

DH has never taken time off for a dc's birthday or mine or his but it has never been an issue. We've always celebrated at weekends or in the evening. In a way you've all created this dynamic by celebrating without him.
Does he make her feel a priority in his life generally or is it just this birthday issue in particular?

Justmuddlingalong · 08/06/2017 17:32

So many questions to the OP, but all of them going unanswered...

Original poster
TrackedNoSignature · 08/06/2017 17:33

No, they never do anything 1-1 at all. Is that really that strange though? They wouldn't want to do the same thing. The restaurants she likes, he doesn't and visa versa. I actually did ask her about that - if she really wanted time with him, why doesn't she go to a certain restaurant, etc. I don't think she really had an answer, it was more of a "he should come to the one I want as I would hope being out with me was more important" but then I suppose both in the wrong really?

I don't know, I think 6 of one really.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 08/06/2017 17:41

No, they never do anything 1-1 at all. Is that really that strange though? Yes, I think most people would agree that it is. Does all interaction in your family revolve around eating out?

Dutch1e · 08/06/2017 17:41

if she really wanted time with him, why doesn't she go to a certain restaurant, etc

Or take up his hobby or work in the shop or come to his birthday.

Oh that's right, sometimes you do things with your kids that don't set your world on fire like pushing a swing 75 times an hour but you do it anyway because you love them.

How depressing that your daughter is being unsupported by you when she makes a long overdue point to a largely absent father. And by absent I don't just mean "at work" I mean utterly disinterested in her life

Sirzy · 08/06/2017 17:44

When was the last time they spent any quality time together? Not necessarily just the two of them but as a family?

Nifflerbowtruckle · 08/06/2017 17:48

It really is strange. So in 15 years he's never read her a bedtime story? Given her a bath? Taken her shopping/to cinema/bowling? Does he spend time alone with the other children? Not doing it all the time is one thing but to never spend any time 1-1 with her is strange.

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