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Original poster

Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

395 replies

TrackedNoSignature · 07/06/2017 16:10

DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 08/06/2017 09:09

He's checked out of Parenting, siting work and hobbies/friendships as an excuse.

The OP has not only stepped up, I bet that she does all of the 'Wifework' as well.

Thank god that the DD has enough understanding to work out this and isn't brainwashed into thinking that it's ok, because he's the male Parent.

Well done her, that she feels assertive enough to say that he's done it wrong. It'll save another person having to go on the 'Stately Homes' section.

Posters are deliberately missing the point that he won't celebrate her Birthday on another day (which all working Parents do, if they are good Parents), so his children's Birthdays are none events to him.

The DD hasn't been turned into a mini good little wife that shuts up and puts up and that's an good thing.

Louiselouie0890 · 08/06/2017 09:27

I'm with DD but I see both sides. She must be very hurt that he can close shop for his mates but not for her and now she's being expected to stop whatever she is doing for him.

It's not about compromise, he pays this she does that. She thinks his mates are more important. Did she refuse too celebrate in the evening with him because he refused to shut shop so thought why wait for him he's not that bothered about being there. Yes he works hard deserves a day off with friends but kids dont undersatnd that. I think her dad's got some heart to heart to do with her. I think she's feeling very second best.

Louiselouie0890 · 08/06/2017 09:32

Just read that he wont stop his hobby either. So he won't shut shop he won't do it on his day off, will shut shop for friends but then she's expected to wait for him. So when does he spend time with them. I think she's feeling very second best and good on her for saying something. Just because he provides doesn't mean she should just shut up and put up. She deserves his time! Poor kid

MommaGee · 08/06/2017 09:43

OP do you have other children?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/06/2017 09:52

Birds

That's a good point. This is a feminist issue. If a mother spent as little time with her children as this father is, she would be pulverised on here. But because he is Man Who Earns The Money, it appears he can do no wrong!

Louiselouie0890 · 08/06/2017 09:53

I'm actually quite proud of her. She won't let a man walk all over her lol

Clawdy · 08/06/2017 10:00

Problem is, when she is older and he is just a memory, she will be riven with guilt and feel sad about it. I have that sort of guilt about things I didn't do or say to my parents, and it really upsets me now.

Lasagnabreath · 08/06/2017 10:05

Clawdy its more likely that she would regret not standing up to him. I'd rather stand up to my father than have to think back to a time where I didn't stand up for myself and continued to feel second best. Just because you regret something doesn't mean others won't. I've had many issues with my father and some with my mum. I don't every regret standing up for myself even if it meant risking the relationship I have with my mum, in fact we get on better than ever now.

ElleMcElle · 08/06/2017 10:05
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/06/2017 10:10

Clawdy I can't imagine why. Maybe riven with sadness that he could never be arsed with her. But why would she feel guilty about rejecting him once when he spent her entire childhood rejecting her.

In 3 years, when she goes to university and decides not to bother coming back for Xmas, maybe he will be riven with guilt.

If "I'll be dead one day" is the best argument I can give my children for spending time with me then I will have failed as a parent.

NewYearsAoibhe · 08/06/2017 10:12

I hate seeing Cats in the Cradle referred to as an "Ugly Kid Joe song." Theirs is nothing but a poor cover version.

here's the real one from the late, great Harry Chapin.

NewYearsAoibhe · 08/06/2017 10:14

Should have said... with words by Sandy Chain.

NewYearsAoibhe · 08/06/2017 10:14

*Chapin

RhiWrites · 08/06/2017 10:25

People like ozymandius and inkypink, who think a 15 year old should do what she is told and that this girl is being entitled to wang her dad to take a couple of hours away from his work or a day off his hobby...

What kind of relationship do you expect when your children are adults and can do as they wish?

livefornaps · 08/06/2017 10:28

I don't think the issue is whether he should be specifically booking time off, per se. Many parents are unable to take time off to celebrate their children's birthdays.

But the fact that in the little time off he does have, that he does not put his daughter first and skip the mumsnet-irtitating "hobby", is just absolute crap.

Our parents never took the day off for our birthday day, but neither of them would dream of skipping the party to go off for a run/rockclimbing/whatever the fuck it is with the excuse "well it's not like it's your real birthday".

At first I thought your daughter was being unreasonably demanding, but the fact that your husband has not made it abundantly clear that "I may not be able to be here a lot, but I will be here when I can and even when I am not you are always always my priority" is just shit. Most kids don't even need to have that thought cross their minds - they just know it as gospel truth! And it doesn't mean spending every waking second with your kids it just means they are upmost in your mind before everything else.

This sounds a perfectly miserable situation and you and your husband need to rectify it pronto or your daughter will slip away. I recommend love bombing her - not with material stuff, it sounds like that has taken precedent for far too long - but with assurances that we love you and whatever happens we will be here with our love and nothing will ever change that because you come first

Good luck.

Lunde · 08/06/2017 10:47

Having read OP's updates I don't think dd is being so unreasonable
dh will not close a couple of hours early to celebrate dd's birthday on the day - but you can't schedule the birthday outing on his day off because that is his hobby day! So dh does not prioritise dd at all or wish to celebrate her birthday

OP what time does your dh spend with dd? Is there any 1:1 time?

Personally I would not push dd to attend in order to keep up family appearances - but I would be having words with dh about his damaged relationship with dd.

CrikeyPeg · 08/06/2017 10:55

livefornaps there's no point in them love bombing DD and telling her they'll be there no matter what if he won't be.

wowfudge · 08/06/2017 10:55

The guy is working six days a week - presumably for the family - I wouldn't pander to the teenage strop of a 15 year old on this. She's accepted the birthday presents she's been given over the years I take it?

Blondebombsite83 · 08/06/2017 10:56

This might just be me but I have no idea what my dad might have had the odd day off for when I was a child. He was never off for my birthday unless it was a weekend. We always went out for dinner or lunch on the nearest Saturday. It didn't matter. I didn't rely on that to make me feel loved. Children need to learn that they don't get to dictate the family life. I feel like someone must have pointed out to her that he didn't take the day off. She's being a applied brat.

QuintessentialShadow · 08/06/2017 10:59

I am with your dd.

Why should the rules be any different for him? Why is HIS birthday more important? He is an adult FGS and should get off his high horse and grow some self insight.

lalalalyra · 08/06/2017 11:00

I think your DH is being massively unreasonable.

Yes, I think she's upset because he closed for his friends. She had no issue when he was at his other job.

Your DD isn't a brat because she didn't object when her father couldn't spend her birthday with her. She obviously understood and accepted that when he had to work he had to work.

To tell her he won't take time off for her when he will for mates and a hobby tells her exactly where she sits in his priorities.

Now she's telling him where he sits in hers...

If she was a wife whose husband took time off work for a catch up with old mates and refused to do anything for her birthday on his day because of hobbies he'd be absolutely castigated. The fact it's his teenage DD who has picked up doesn't change the poorness of his actions. He'll damage his relationship with her and will realise one day that his assumption that she'd always be there regardless of his treatment of her is wrong.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 08/06/2017 11:03

At first I thought this was six of one and half a dozen of the other. But now it's come out that he does a hobby (why is there always a bloody hobby?) on his day off instead of spending time with his DD then either, and he doesn't see the need to miss this now and then to actually participate in the family. I actually think it's really sad that you think she's being unreasonable given all the times he could have done something with her but decided his own wants were more important. So what if he puts a roof over her head, as you put it - that's pretty much basic level parenting. She wants a Dad, not a benevolent landlord. If I was her I wouldn't be going to his birthday meal either, he's done nothing worth celebrating.

nannybeach · 08/06/2017 11:53

You cannot just take a day off work for someones Birthday, totally correct Spadequeen, I found mostly 15 year olds were revolting and stroppy, but they would miss Dads Birthday.

Whileweareonthesubject · 08/06/2017 12:17

wowfudge

The guy is working six days a week - presumably for the family - I wouldn't pander to the teenage strop of a 15 year old on this. She's accepted the birthday presents she's been given over the years I take it?

  1. Yes he's working 6 days a week, yet can take a day off to spend time with old work mates but won't even close early to spend a couple of hours with his daughter on her birthday.
  1. The seventh day of the week is devoted to his hobby - he won't take a week out in order to spend time with his daughter for her birthday.
  1. Presumably he's working for the family? Probably, because he chose to have a family and to take on the responsibilities that entails. Food, clothing, housing are basic necessities that every child is entitled to and failure of a parent to provide them is a cause for concern. The daughter should not be expected to be grateful to her father for providing her with these basics.
  1. Teenage strop - this is not a teenager having a strop because of one time her father didn't do what she wanted. This us a teenager showing that she us hurt that she doesn't appear in his list of priorities at all, yet she is expected to prioritise him. His priorities are : his work, his hobby, his friends, his convenience. Where does his daughter fit in?
  1. She's accepted birthday presents she's been given over the years - why shouldn't she? He's given her bugger all else in the way of birthday memories. Sounds as though she'd prefer his time and attention. It's not hard to buy a present or, as I suspect, get your wife to buy the present.
Inkypink0 · 08/06/2017 12:22

lala she isn't a wife or mother - she is a 15 year old minor. She has no financial responsibilities or obligations.

No wonder teenagers today are entitled idiots when they are treated as peers in the home with their parents - they are not and like it or not there is a Hiarachy.

Dad has to work a lot. Get over it. Go play dirt your friends or make do with mummy

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