Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

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DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

couldn't is very different to wouldn't
Even a 15 year old has no problem telling the difference.
How do the posters saying you can't take time off for birthdays (I agree) address the hobby/can take time off for others?

I find it sad that some people are so scathing of a 15 year old who is seemingly craving attention and love from a parent.

My Dad was rarely, if ever around on my birthday but I have always known he worked very hard to provide for his family so it never really bothered me. It was just the way it always was. I'm not uber close to my Dad but I would celebrate his birthday or have a cuppa if we're together. It isn't about having kids and not bothering with them. At the end of the day, the bills have to be paid. When your DD wants nice things ie. clothes/holidays or a better university education, it's then she should realise that things cost money and her Dad did his best to give her those things. It is as important to teach her a good work ethic as it is to teach her how to enjoy life with the benefits it brings

I do think some posters are not reading the bit about the hobby every sunday or they are just choosing to blank it out in a haze of man-as-provided mist.

if she was craving attention she'd go to his meal. It's a strop. A teenage strop.

Agog that posters think it's normal for kids to dictate when their parents work ...

Totally agree with you Inky. She's the child, not the parent and shouldn't be getting away with this behaviour.

I do think some posters are not reading the bit about the hobby every sunday or they are just choosing to blank it out in a haze of man-as-provided mist.

You've said twice Iggy but it doesn't make it true and it sounds like a sexist throw back considering women and the Op work too. Op say her DH probably wouldn't go to the hobby if it was his Dd's birthday. If he works 6 days out of 7 days, he is entitled to a little down time doing a hobby. Most 15 year olds are off with their friends or at their own activities at weekends not hanging out with their Dad.

He is entitled to a little downtime but that shouldn't come at the price of family life.

The op has already said he refused to go on a Sunday because that was his hobby.

What does it matter that she's 15?

She lives in a house with someone for whom birthdays are a choice. She was perfectly accepting of when he was was absolutely unable to choose to attend. Now that he has chosen not to attend then why shouldn't she exercise the same choice?

Teenagers are, imo, entitled when they are mollycoddled and never allowed to make decisions.

Choosing not to attend the birthday meal for someone who chooses not t spend any of their free time with you doesn't make someone a brat.

Op: "The hobby on the Sunday isn't that important, but he wouldn't not do it, if her birthday were to fall on it I don't think he'd do it, but he wouldn't not do it for a party that isn't her birthday IYSWIM?"
Does Op's DH care if their Dd doesn't go to the meal?

Your post yesterday at 20:33 puts the thread into context.

It isn't just work. She's below work, his mates, and his hobby on his priority list.

He doesn't even see why she would mind that he prioritised his regular weekly hobby sunday over her childhood birthday family outings to the zoo as long as he pays for things in absentia, yet when she says that when he is old she will fund him but not be present for him you say she's "so rude".

From her point of view, he may as well have told her he doesn't give a crap. She's a teenager, her capacity for rational thought isn't developed as it will be. Although mine is fully developed and I still think he's out of order.

If she's angry and upset do you really want her there or is it an argument and unpleasant evening waiting to happen?

She's apparently angry and upset with him not prioritise her - when he apparently can his friends - she seemed to understood when he was restricted with his job but that seem not to apply anymore. If that how she feels than that how she feels - doesn't seem unreasonable point of view.

Going out to this meal isn't going to change how she feels about him.

So I think it comes down to lesser of two evils - is she likely to be a complete mare if you insist she goes or would she actually enjoy it eventually? Would her not going likely prompt her Dad to realise something isn't right between them and try and sort it or would it reinforce idea in her head that she doesn't matter to him?

Does he know she doesn't want to come and why - if he has has he done anything about it or is he not bothered?

I would be asking myself those kind of questions - rather than is she being unreasonable.

U2 that's why I followed the paragraph you highlighted with one saying that the parents need to sit down and discuss this with their daughter. Obviously the DD is very emotional about it all and would most likely benefit from a loving, open discussion where she can express how she feels and where she believes she stands in the family, especially with regards to her DF and his hobbies etc.
I would do this with my DC, but I would also be very firm in saying that we don't just not attend another family member's birthday dinner because we can't be bothered too, of becyade we feel angry at them. We work things out.
A family is more than just one member, it's a team and should function as such.
Sometimes parents cannot make every event etc etc, but a tit-for-tat attitude won't solve anything. Open discussion, honesty and love will.

Sometimes parents cannot make every event etc etc, but a tit-for-tat attitude won't solve anything. Open discussion, honesty and love will.

Tit-for-tat it isn't. It's a 15 year olds way of trying to show how much she is hurting. I don't know why some people are making out that he can't attend every event when the problem is that he can't attend any. Or not until 8.30pm at night was it? Did you miss the part where he won't take her to the zoo on his only day off for a late birthday celebration because of his hobby? They have been non events to him. He hasn't closed up a couple of hours early and he hasn't done anything with her on his only day off.

No one expects parents to be there for every birthday, but I do expect that a decent loving parent will do something with their child on another day when their child asks. Because as a parent you should want to. I have had to miss my hobby on the odd occasion because it was the only day I could do something with the kids which was important to them. That's life.

Open discussions and love won't work. Her father making an effort to spend some time with her on occasions would. Words are cheap after all. It sounds like she has tried to speak to her dad about this and now she is trying to show him how it feels. I would be proud of her and I don't micro-manage my children so if she needs to do this I would let her.

So do most people take the day off from work for all their kid's birthdays?

I finish early so I can collect DS from school and have family round for cake. It's his birthday, doesn't matter when the party is, he deserves to have some special time on his special day.

""What kind of relationship do you expect when your children are adults and can do as they wish?""

A lot of posters on here seem to leave for Uni and never go back, except for 'obligation' visits at Christmas etc and even resent that. Their children then hardly know their Grandparents.

I can now see why, if they think that this thread is a normal and right way to bring up children. It's a dysfunctional set up.

Clothing, feeding and buying gifts is something that you've got to do, as the minimum, no Parent should get a round of applause for that.

Since the 70's, we've accepted that children need emotional support, from both Parents and if you don't give that, you've failed and baring MH/Health issues, you should not have had children.

To have a child and not celebrate anything about that child, is cruel. Especially in a Dad/Daughter relationship. As I said in my other post thankfully the DD hasn't had her Self Esteem completely eradicated.

Serving in the Military, running the Bank of England, is one thing (my own Dad was Merchant Navy and we'd celebrate even a month late, but my Dad would go all out), but running a shop that he will close for his own wants, which doesn't include his DD, means that he has got Parenting badly wrong.

He has neglected the emotional needs of his DD, which is one of the most important relationships for setting self worth, for a Woman.

Some posters are not reading the whole thread and have missed the update that DH will not attend DD's birthday even on his day off as every Sunday is reserved for his hobby and he refuses to miss a week to go out as a family for dd's birthday

She's only mimicking his behaviour, what does he expect.
It's not a strop it's her fed up of being put last. She never "stropped" when she knew he had no choice. She saw he shut shop for a whole day went out with friends so she asked with more than enough notice if he could spend time with her on her birthday. He refused and refuses too on his day off.
His hobby will always be there his daughters birthday, respect and feelings won't be. He won't make the effort why should she? Because he pays for all the bills like he chose too. What will be the excuse when she moves out and he doesn't pay the bills? Poor child is is acting out for time not the latest iPhone!

I finish early so I can collect DS from school and have family round for cake. It's his birthday, doesn't matter when the party is, he deserves to have some special time on his special day

Ah that's great you can do that. DH can't do that as he'd be sending home 13 staff reducing his intake by thousands that day, then we have two other dc do that would be another two days lose of revenue - then what about my special day - that's four days - fuck it might as well do his birthday too so five days of lose of revenue so we can go P.A.R.T.Y !!! Woooooop!!!

Shit. Dh team would fucking love him. Sigh

She saw he shut shop for a whole day went out with friends so she asked with more than enough notice if he could spend time with her on her birthday

Fuck me he is allowed a life too!!!

A whole day oh my

And he would have spent time with her after he finished.

Teenage strop.

Please quote me where i said he isn't pinky.....

And it's ok for OP and the dad to "strop" about her not going but it isn't for the daughter because she's 15.
She's asked once for it. He won't give up his hobby once or close the shop for a few hours once. Like I said she wants time with her dad not an IPhone what a terrible disgusting disrespectful teenager eh