Is DD being unreasonable? Won't come out for dinner for her dad's birthday?

[TrackedNoSignature]

DD's dad (DH's) birthday is this weekend. DD is refusing to come out for dinner.

DH used to work 6 days a week and couldn't get any birthdays off. He has changed jobs and owns part of a shop now, he can pick what days he goes in, but if his part of the shop isn't opened, he obviously won't take any money, so does that 6 days too. He hasn't taken any of the kids' birthdays off as he still needs to go in. He has a couple of times not opened up so he can go to a wedding and also to go for one day out with his old work mates. But apart from that, has gone in.

DD's argument is he hasn't made any effort on her birthdays and if he could not go in for those 2 times I've mentioned, he could have stayed off for one of her birthdays. I do see what she means, but he was working, she won't be! She's 15. Is she BU?

Why did some of you have kids?

No child should have to be greatful of having a roof over their head and food in their tummy. They didn't choose to be born, it's our job as parents to provide the basics. They should be thankful for any luxuries but that doesn't mean they can't be happy with their parent. Especially in a situation like this where he daughter is completely in the right.

So by some of the logic here, a 15yo should do as they are told whether they like it or not, and yet in a small amount of time, we expect them to be legally responsible, able to vote and if needs be, live on their own and pay their own way?

You can't have it both ways. Either you guide your children into adulthood so that they are able to judge their own decisions and stand on their own two feet or you expect them to be 4 for the rest of their lives. Pfft! Bollocks to that.

Your DD is crying out for her fathers attention. She was fine when it was worn but now she has seen that he can on a special occasion, take time off work and close shop and so is hurt that he refused for her birthday. As you said, he could have shut the shop and hour or two early instead of a whole day. He may think she's acting brattish but at least she's got you all thinking about it now.

Make plans for a fantastic 16th. Otherwise he quite possible lose any hope of a deep relationship with her.

So he gave up a job that requires him to be away most of the week to presumably spend more time as a family... So got a job where he works 6 days a week and does his hobby on day 7. She's asked him to make her a priority for one day and he said no.

Do they actually have a relationship? Do they spend any time together? Have any shared interest.

If his daughtEr is a stranger who doesn't want Rio spent time with him, its his own doing

Doesn't want to spend

So he celebrated her birthday after work (as do many of us working parents) with her but she doesn't want to return the favour?

Yeah, she's unreasonable.

SpareASquare

She didn't celebrate her birthday with him after work as far as I can see. Because she didn't want to celebrate it in the evening. She wanted to celebrate it in the day. And op let her decision stand.

Very poor judgement from op to let their dd dictate this situation. Father largely absent and therefore excluded from celebrations. So neither parent smelling of roses. The end result is a lack of family cohesion, family values and family traditions.

Oh, ok. The OP initially said "Yes, he would come for dinner in the evenings after work.. so I took that as he would celebrate with her.

I would never, ever have scheduled a party or celebration straight after school and then expected parents,grandparents etc to cancel work to be there. It's a birthday. Goes all day.

Totally understand it is not possible for a working parent to celebrate a birthday straight after school. Said as much upthread. Ops dh sounds very unengaged and disinterested. Op is equally responsible for the situation as she neither insisted on her dhs attendance on a Sunday nor insisted on celebrating in the evening.

OP, I think you're clinging on to the "day off work" bit that DD says because it's easier to counter that point. What your DD actually means (and your own posts support) is that her father has never prioritised his relationship with her over anything, be it work or his own hobbies. Actions speak louder than words and your DD is just mirroring what your DH has done to her for the last 15 years.

Yeah, that's what I tried to say up thread, Sweary. People often end up taking a stand over something apparently unreasonable when it's actually the culmination of many events and this is the limit reached.

Did this determination to do something on the actual day come in any way from her fathers refusal to be present for any celebration unless it was the actual day?

He has made his priorities known.

And now she's doing the same.

He is reaping what he has sown.

(I'm guessing your DH isn't as bothered by this as you are OP?)

And I wouldn't miss my fucking hobby either! It's one of the times I manage to escape with no kids or dh - they'd be getting told to do one - she is 15 ffs.

If you are justifying working full time 6 days, spending the 7th day on hobbies and never taking holiday to spend with the children, then why the fuck would you even bother having them?

Ah the poor children wonder

Sometimes parents have to work six days a week to sustain their lives. They also get to see spend time with their children when they get home or after their hobby - if they have one. It's not unreasonable to want a small pocket of time to yourself when you have been working all week to support your family.

maybe all parents should go on benefits so they can be good parents and they can drive their 15 year olds to theme parks ...

The fact that posters think that people can just 'get a better job' or some flexible dream job when you can shut up when your teenager dictates it is laughable. Yep that's how all buisness are run

And I'm sure the dd won't give two shiny shits when she is opening her xmas presents, birthday presents, new clothes, eating food out of the cubards, spending her little spends.

Horrible dad eh?

In her own 15 year old way she is telling you something, she feels her dad has never bothered with her so she doesn't want to bother with him.

Making her go is not going to change that. Her response is emotional and selfish because she is 15 but the underlying cause is clear, she does not feel her dad cares about her. That has nothing to do with work but his attitude towards her.

Nothing in your post indicates how he feels about the fact he is losing his daughter

Inkypink0

Yes, horrible dad. No one expects him to give up his job/ hobbies for his child. But she specifically asked him to spend some
time with her for her birthday, and not only could he not leave early for work, but he wouldn't put his hobby aside for one day.

And don't be so hyperbolic. Nobody has alluded to the fact parent need to go on benefits to spend a few hours with their child for their birthday? Why is it unreasonable to give up 1 day of hobbies a year for your child?

I repeat again, what's the point of having children if you don't want to spend any time with them?

I'm sorry, why do we totally pander to our children??
My DF owned his own law firm. He wasn't always there to celebrate my birthday with me as he worked bloody hard so we could have a decent life. At times I was disappointed, but not once did I think he didn't love me, or didn't want to spend time with me, and if I had expressed that, my DM and DF would have sat down with me and lovingly explained that sometimes life isn't fair, and that my father loves me unconditionally, but he can't always work miracles and be there 100% of the time! He was working to ensure we had food on the table and a roof over our heads.
I'm sure your DD feels upset and hurt, but enabling her not to come to a birthday dinner? You should be able to handle this correctly with her so that she understands how family dynamics work, so that she's more aware and so that your family will be stronger afterwards.
I wouldn't have even had the CHOICE to skip a birthday meal, never mind being encouraged to.
Life doesn't always go the way we want it to, being stroppy doesn't help that fact.

Well I think she is being a bit U. Presumably his work is paying for everyone to live! But then I also think he is kinds reaping what he has sowed.

I repeat again, what's the point of having children if you don't want to spend any time with them?

Exactly. Plenty of people have to work long hours. Plenty of people can't take time off work easily. Those people probably do spend time with their children when they can though.

No one is saying he should take every birthday off. I had to work on my son's birthday last week which meant I saw him for a total of two hours. It was fine, he understood and didn't care, but he may have done if he had a history of me putting him last all the time. Yes, money is great and essential but it doesn't replace time. Children need time spent with them as well.

Think about it. Working 6 days a week, on his day off he 'does his hobby', he refuses to take any time off at all to spend with his daughter but he happily did to hang around with mates. Of course she is going to feel hurt and unloved by that.

I do not believe that taking one day off, or even half a day off to spend time with his child would be the difference between them being able to eat or anything so drastic. I know loads of SE people who manage to take time off. it's difficult but it can be done and the OP doesn't strike me as someone who is living on the breadline and one day off will lead them to poverty. He managed it to hang about with his friends and go to a wedding after all. He simply doesn't want to lose any money to do something nice for his daughter, but will do it when it suits him.

That's my take on it U2

In an earlier post the op mentioned picking her up from school then going out - if he isn't willing to close up for a couple of hours to join them there then that says a lot IMO.

I'm with DD here.

Yes but it's the Dd who wants him to take a whole day off to celebrate her birthday. Have to say my parents never did that.

SIBVU

And entitled

I'd leave her at home

At times I was disappointed, but not once did I think he didn't love me, or didn't want to spend time with me, and if I had expressed that, my DM and DF would have sat down with me and lovingly explained that sometimes life isn't fair, and that my father loves me unconditionally, but he can't always work miracles and be there 100% of the time!

Good for you. I am glad you never felt unloved. This girl does and you have no idea if there is a lot more behind this. Maybe there is a whole history of him not being that interested in her. Maybe as others pointed out this is the straw that broke the camels back and it goes much deeper than just her birthday.

From the OP

Mind you he could have closed a couple of hours early so could come to the zoo after school for example

He could, but he didn't. He couldn't even give her a couple hours as a one off.

The only thing I will defend is she has no issue if we are working, it was the fact he can take time off and chose not to.

She is upset because he can take time off and he chose not to, ever.

DH wouldn't go out on the Sunday to the zoo for example as that's when he does his hobby.

He wouldn't take her to places like a zoo on his day off because of his hobby. He couldn't even manage to take one day off his hobby to celebrate his daughter's birthday.

NWIH would I be forcing her to go to his birthday meal. I don't like to force my teens into much really. I don't pander to my children but I do like to give them independence to make their own choices within reason. If my child felt they needed to make this point to their dad I am not going to force them into going because at 15 they should be able to make some decisions on their own and maybe this is what dad needs to realise that if he can't make an effort for his child one day she won't want to make an effort with him.

Bigfatgoalie

Did your dad also prioritise his hobby on his one day off a week? Because this dad is not "not always there to celebrate". He is never there. She can't decide to do something another day so her dad can be included as he will never cancel his hobby for her. The only option she has to do something with him is to go out for dinner late in the evening (Op mentioned 8:30pm) as that is all the time he is willing to give to her.

The Op has said that if he had to work then the Dd wouldn't mind. It was the fact that she has discovered that shutting the shop for a day so he can go on a jolly with his friends is acceptable but shutting early for a couple of hiurs so he can celebrate with her is not. Plus he won't give up his Sundays doing his hobby.

She is so obviously last in his priorities that it is no wonder she has decided to prioritise Eastenders and a cup of tea on the sofa over him.