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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do this for Dd so she has 'real' friends.

236 replies

Marieliala · 06/06/2017 22:40

Dd is 15 and is desperate to have 'real' friends. She has the crowd she hangs around with at school but wants the kind of friends that sleepover,go to concerts together etc. I feel for her,she does so many activities but is missing out on the 'teenage experience' of having fun.

She would love to have friends over but we can't because her brother is a school refused and is extremely controlling and has destroyed the house. I'm desperate to move but cannot afford it right now.

Aibu to rent out an aibnb nearby as a one off treat,she knows it would only be a one off because I can't even keep up with extra curricular fees or the weekly shop. just so she can have a sleepover (she's slept round friends houses but they've stopped inviting her because she never hosts) . Or is it too extreme ?

OP posts:
SmartiesMakeMeNaughty · 07/06/2017 16:38

Well done OP. I really hope this is the start of positive change for all of you.
My brother's superficial charm was chilling to behold. It's really horrifying to see someone who makes family life intolerable go out into the world and moderate their behaviour when at home they indulge their every last scrap of rage.
I totally understand how distressing it is to have the inside of your home life differ so wildly from the outer perception of it, all thanks to the individual causing the discrepancy in the first place.
I really hope it helps your daughter to see that she is finally being believed by someone outside the home.

Sycamorewindmills · 07/06/2017 16:39

It's bloody hard on you OP. I know from the children I've fostered how tough these situations are on the whole family. I do hope both your children and you can get some proper support now.

StHeathensGrammar · 07/06/2017 16:47

Barbarian But my db was sexually abused and introduced to heroin whilst in care and it certainly destroyed/advanced the destruction of his life - he's in his 40s now and still an addict.

Im sorry about your brother. However, in this situation, even in the brothers life is ruined (which I doubt, as he is obviously in control of his behaviour) then it's a toss up between his life being ruined and the DDs life being ruined, isn't it? As she is the innocent party, I know which one I'd go for...
That was my point - if there were no other children it would be a bit different.

mygorgeousmilo · 07/06/2017 16:49

I have RTFT and have to agree with pp who say you need to start taking responsibility here. He clearly doesn't have SN if he can switch it on and off at a moments notice. You give your daughter's hobby money to him - even after he's smashed up your house? You're keeping him there, which I understand to a degree, but if you look at it objectively, in doing so you seem to be ruining BOTH of their lives. If he is fostered then yes, it would effect him, but it might be a case of tough love. You can't subject your daughter to this any longer, no wonder she won't come home! You've lost it OP, you need to take some responsibility and sort your shit out!

stopmoaningpip · 07/06/2017 16:50

My goodness this sounds like a really tough situation, and I'm sure not as simple as you not being 'firm' enough. I can't imagine how tough recent years have been for you all.
Staying with a family friend sounds like a good temporary option for your daughter - can you go and spend some time with her there? Just sit and have a cup of tea and a chat in a space where you both feel safer than at home?
It's great that dd is in a safer environment for now, and hopefully will also now be on the radar of the authorities, but don't forget that your safety matters too. I have no practical advice on how to achieve that I'm afraid but make sure you respect yourself enough to keep fighting for a better solution. If nothing else, remember that any injuries to you will upset your daughter too.
I wish you and your family all the very best.

Original poster
Marieliala · 07/06/2017 16:56

I feel like such a crap mum. I've let Dd and Ds down . It's so embracing and shameful to admit I have no control of my child and that I can't protect Dd. She's going to look back on her life and have nothing good to remember.

OP posts:
SmartiesMakeMeNaughty · 07/06/2017 17:04

You're not a crap mum.
I'm not sure anything can prepare you for having a child on whom no sanction can be brought to bear. I'm not sure anything can prepare you for having an violent child - it's a type of domestic abuse we have very little understanding or awareness of as a society.
Don't feel humiliated - what you've done today is very brave and a step in the right direction.
Just keep trying to help and protect your daughter. You can't erase her bad memories but you can try to keep providing her with new and better ones going forward as you navigate the difficult times ahead.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/06/2017 17:07

I hope you all get the help you need OP. Good for you for taking the first step (again).

MissShittyBennet · 07/06/2017 17:11

Miss "Your failure to act, because you absolutely could refuse to take him back if you wanted to, " I don't think this is true. I think you can be prosecuted for child abandonment. A friend was in a similar situation with a very abusive YP, was left unsupported for far too long and threatened with this when they tried to refuse to have him back.

I can very well believe she was threatened with it, but cannot imagine how it could actually happen in reality. You can be prosecuted for abandonment, yes, but refusing to take a child back because they're a danger to other family members isn't it.

pinkyredrose · 07/06/2017 17:38

OP where is the son now, is he going to foster care? Apologies if it's been said already but I couldn't work out where he was.

You're doing the right thing by the way.

Original poster
Marieliala · 07/06/2017 17:52

He's at home , and well he actually stormed out earlier because he's not impressed with social services and police involved

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 07/06/2017 18:04

You're not impressed with his vile behaviour.

Stand your ground OP, you're doing this for you,DD and him

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 07/06/2017 18:05

You're not a crap mum at all. Your daughter has been through a lot, and she will have bad memories, but she also knows that you did your best and got her out of there.

So glad you managed to get some help at last. You've been terribly, terribly let down - remember that when you're berating yourself for letting your children down.

dinosaursandtea · 07/06/2017 18:13

So what does your son say about his behaviour, OP? Does he understand why the police have been called?

hoddtastic · 07/06/2017 18:26

tough shit, stay strong, keep it together OP. I am proud of you for doing this.

Original poster
Marieliala · 07/06/2017 18:29

He says I'm overreacting and that I'm favouring Dd and just want to get him in trouble . He went on how it's not fair Dd has these extra curricular activities and how I love her more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marieliala · 07/06/2017 18:29

Thank you everyone for the suggestions,kind words,kick up the arse an encouragement xx

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 07/06/2017 18:32

Oh op, they don't sound like good friends at all, they know about things not being good at home and her brother, bloody hell have some empathy. But a lot of teens can be very self absorbed.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/06/2017 18:34

Oh op, massive hugs, I have a dd 10 who has ASD and learning difficulties. and my friend who has a DS with ASD is in the same position as you. They don't have her friends round because of his anger and volatile behaviour. Here for you WineCakeFlowers and Brew if you don't drink wine. You are not a crap mum, you are exhausted and doing the best you can in such difficult circumstances.

diddl · 07/06/2017 18:41

"He went on how it's not fair Dd has these extra curricular activities "

But she doesn't atm, does she?

What would he like to do?

dinosaursandtea · 07/06/2017 18:46

She only has extra-curricular activities because she has, you know, curricular activities. How does he have all these friends if he doesn't go to school?

Original poster
Marieliala · 07/06/2017 18:52

His friends from school still see him and he's got friends locally who are a bad group but can't move away at the moment. She only does 1 of her 4 activities now because of DS.

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 07/06/2017 18:55

How long is it since he's been at school? Were there any activities he'd actually enjoy, or is it the principle of the thing?

Just trying to build a clearer picture of where he's coming from.

Original poster
Marieliala · 07/06/2017 18:57

He's given up all his activities,he used to do so much and be so committed,he has no interest now. The last time he went to school was a day or two in September and October

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 07/06/2017 19:14

Is there something that prompted the change? His behaviour is awful, but hopefully he can also access the support he needs - although I do think that your daughter's needs in this case take priority.

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