I have one brother who lives about three hours drive away and consequently we don't see much of him, his wife or their son (my only nephew). He has a high-pressure and highly paid job in comparison to my husband and I. We have three children, the youngest of whom is a little older than my nephew. Not being particularly well off, we have always tried to do the best we could for our children and encouraged them to work hard and be nice to people. They have all done well at school (eldest is now at a very good university) and although I know everyone who posts this kind of thread says their own children are perfect and well-mannered, they really are mature, polite and well-behaved. They are also quirky, argumentative, clever and funny. We don't have much disposable income and they have often had very simple gifts for birthdays and Christmas - and they've never either asked for much or sulked when they got something that didn't cost very much. They have always been taught to eat and appreciate what is put in front of them at mealtimes and to be polite - basic table manners, being sociable, staying at the table until everyone has finished eating etc.
In contrast, my nephew, who is in about year 4 or 5 at school, has been indulged since he was a baby. Toys at the table at every meal, and released into the wild to run around in restaurants since he was a toddler. He won't eat what is put in front of him and his parents will leave the table as a meal is served to find his favourite toy - meaning we all sit waiting out of politeness while the charade goes on and our food goes cold. Anything he doesn't like gets picked off his plate whilst he pulls a face and puts it on the placemat next to his plate. He barely speaks to us and will turn up his nose at the gifts we have given him for Christmas and birthdays - hardly surprising as his parents have been conditioned not to pass a toyshop without buying him something, and he's frequently taken out to eat whilst for us eating out is a special treat for a big achievement. Much of his diet seems to consist of sweet stuff or junk food surrounded by pools of ketchup, and he just won't eat vegetables.
When he was very young I was told that his parents didn't intend to discipline him "in case it dents his confidence". On their last visit they literally popped in on their way elsewhere and only stayed for about 20 minutes. My nephew, despite being asked more than once, refused to put down the book he was carrying and did not make any effort at all to engage with us. He was asked to say goodbye to us but walked straight past me reading his book and shaking his head. He consented to go back and hug my youngest child but ignored me, my husband and his other cousin. His parents just made disappointed noises but didn't actually tell him off. I was very hurt and felt completely belittled by his behaviour - but more by his parents not telling him it was unacceptable, taking the book off him and telling him to be polite to his family.
I've tried explaining to my brother how upset I am at the way he behaves - he's just plain rude and there is never any comeback from his parents, in fact they often laugh at his behaviour. I'm told that they are "aware of a problem" and "actively trying to find better childcare to sort out his behaviour" - but surely it's not just me that thinks they need to sort it out themselves as his parents and actually act when he behaves badly instead of laughing it off? I have been taking this for almost a decade now - would it be unreasonable of me to say I just don't want to see them until they all act a little more politely towards us?