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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men in changing rooms

495 replies

TheWernethWife · 04/06/2017 11:24

Went shopping yesterday, popped into a well known women's shop and there was a man in the changing room. When I asked why he was there the assistant looked at me like I had three heads and said he was probably helping his wife and most people wouldn't be bothered. Well I was bloody bothered.

OP posts:
noeffingidea · 04/06/2017 13:15

Oh just noticed Users homophobic posts. Enough said.

OnGoldenPond · 04/06/2017 13:16

I always stand next to DSs cubicle in the Top Man changing rooms as I have to check the stuff really fits - only curtains as well. Assistant has never kicked me out.

Worried I might appear in a thread as a weird pervy cougar now! Blush

Bambambini · 04/06/2017 13:16

Yes, how stupid that women and girls might feel uncomfortable when they feel a bit vulnerable and expect ither females in women's changing rooms, especially those with crappy curtains.

kaitlinktm · 04/06/2017 13:16

I can't remember which shop it was, (it wasn't anywhere upmarket - could have been BHS or M&S or similar) but I was once trying on in a curtained cubicle (irritatingly the curtain wouldn't quite reach all the way across) and a man came into the changing area accompanying his wife.

I don't know why, as there were lots of cubicles with completely opened curtains but he (yes, not she) partially opened MY curtain. I was mortified - hate the thought of being caught with all my flab on display - and I think I might have screamed (can't remember) and pulled the curtain shut. He apologised immediately and they went into another cubicle.

What made me feel worse was that a moment later they were audibly giggling at my discomfiture. Honestly I felt like shit - I just took all the clothes back to the assistant (almost in tears) and left the shop. Completely ruined the rest of my day.

user1492958275 · 04/06/2017 13:17

TheFirstMrsDV

I'm not ridiculing anyone, I'm not pathetic or using odd tatics. I'm stating my opinion as has everyone else here. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean mine is the wrong one.

I worry for my son growing up in a world where men are always treated as something to be afraid of, that a man can't stand around practically anywhere without being labelled as creepy.

These threads come up time and time again and it's never the woman who is overreacting. But it is! We just cosy up to each other and pretend it's ok to have these feelings because we're females.

Do you remember a thread a while back where a lady was out running and so was a man, she through liquid in the mans face because she thought he was gonna attack her - he wasn't.

Men are not our enemy. Besides, I personally like having my partners opinion when trying on new clothes. He was so obviously helping her with something.

It's like he was a lone male standing there with no one else about, the OP was TOLD he was with his wife. He was talking to his wife, he was talking to the assistant. There was not an ounce of a reason to be concerned of this particular guy.

You can call me pathetic all you want. This is my opinion and I stand by it.

user1492958275 · 04/06/2017 13:18

That should read 'she threw'

Bambambini · 04/06/2017 13:19

OnGoldenpond - would it bother you if your presence did make other boys or men feel uncomfortable? Not having a go.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2017 13:19

Creepy men are never married.

Obviously.

nokidshere · 04/06/2017 13:20

I can't see the problem to be honest. It's not like it's a communal space where everyone is stripping off. Most places now have individual cubicles with a waiting area just outside for friends/partners to wait.

Matalan has a circular seating are for anyone, then curtained cubicles off that, left side for men and rughf for women. But you still have to walk past men and women to get there. I don't see any difference between a cubicle door or a curtain - they both cover you.

StarUtopia · 04/06/2017 13:20

Oh fgs. What was he doing?! Looking under your curtain??!

Seriously!

Non issue.

HildaOg · 04/06/2017 13:20

You can't equate lesbians with men ffs. Lesbians are women, they're no threat any more than a straight woman.

Men however rape and assault women everyday and no decent man who respects women would dare invade a female space. Only arseholes with no respect who derive pleasure from making women feel uncomfortable would. The very type of man you don't want there. The type of man who is quite likely to be in the minority of sex offenders.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 04/06/2017 13:21

Don't see the problem; it's not like he was peeking through your curtain Confused

When DH comes clothes shopping with me, I take him into the changing room to ask his advice and get his help. Never been an issue.

KurriKurri · 04/06/2017 13:21

*Would you get changed in front of a lesbian you don't know?

Why is that different, she is as attracted to you as that strangers husband is.*

Because most women who have been sexually assaulted have been the victims of men not lesbians. Women tend not to be sexually violent. Whether the men in the changing rooms are perverts etc is irrelevant the fact is they make women feel uncomfortable in a way that other women (lesbian or straight) do not.

No one is saying this is a case of men being attracted to you. It is not wanting to be in the vulnerable state of being undressed with a man nearby. I am not wary of women - no woman has ever harmed me.
It is nothing to do with the idea that men or lesbians would find me attractive - that is a very unlikely scenario.

OriginalArchitect · 04/06/2017 13:21

It's clearly marked as a female changing room, not a unisex space. There is a reasonable expectation as a woman that when you use the changing room there will be an absence of men. If it was stated as unisex, you would be able to make an informed choice to use or not use, depending on how you felt about the presence of men whilst changing. It wasn't. He should not have been in there and I would make a formal complaint about the assistant. Its not about sex offenders, perverts or bigotry. Its about a woman's reasonable expectation of privacy - just as in a bathroom or pool changing room and removal of thier choice in this instance because the man doesn't respect that reasonable expectation.

KurriKurri · 04/06/2017 13:22

I've never been in a changing room where the curtain close properly- they all gape at the edges.

pigsDOfly · 04/06/2017 13:22

What the hell has it got to do with anyone fancying someone, or feeling afraid.

Why can't it just be that it's a changing room for women.

So are we to be told now that because men feel they should have the right to go into a women's changing room we have to accept it or we're being precious and silly. Bloody hell, is that what we've come to? I though women had rights too.

feebeecat · 04/06/2017 13:22

I don't think it's about what they may or may not do, it's just why do they have to be there in the first place, are we not entitled to some privacy?
Personally, if a random man were to cop an eyeful of my stretch marks I think it would probably scar him & I don't give a rats ass.
However, as the mother of teenage girls, I say get em out, make them stand outside & if a second opinion is needed, go out to him. For anything else, I think that's why they have assistants there, to assist?

user1492958275 · 04/06/2017 13:23

Oh right, yeah I see now, because straight women and lesbians aren't capable of sexual assault.

Your point is taken.

....

imjessie · 04/06/2017 13:23

What do you think he is going to do to you? He probably wasn't the remotest bit interested in what you were doing!

FrancisCrawford · 04/06/2017 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IHateUncleJamie · 04/06/2017 13:24

Do we know if the wife is disabled? How do women who are disabled go shopping with their partners if their partners are not allowed to help?

Exactly. I'm disabled. Quite often, assistants will carry clothes for me if my dd is not with me in the changing room. But if there are none around, I would need my DH to bring me clothes/swap sizes etc. That could have been what he was doing?

Cantusethatname · 04/06/2017 13:26

I'm not allowed in the men's changing rooms when shopping with teenage sons! I hover outside in the proper manner. Why couldn't he?

noeffingidea · 04/06/2017 13:26

I worry for my son growing up in a world where men are always treated as something to be afraid of.
That's funny, because I have 2 adult sons, and I've never worried about this at all. I wonder why this is?
Oh yes, perhaps because I've brought them up to respect women's boundaries and privacy. If a changing room or other area is marked women then they understand that it's an area reserved for the use of women and, as they are men they don't go in there, irregardless of whether some women might be ok with that.
Parenting 101. You should try it sometime.

KurriKurri · 04/06/2017 13:27

I worry for my son growing up in a world where men are always treated as something to be afraid of, that a man can't stand around practically anywhere without being labelled as creepy.

I have an adult son - he wouldn't dream of hanging around in a female changing room while his wife is trying on clothes - because he is respectful of other people's space and right to privacy. There is no need for a man to be in a woman's changing area. So don't come in - simple. I would consider anyone who did so a bit odd - as it is unnecessary I d on;t think a man walking down the street in an open public area odd, it's just when they invade women's changing areas - places where women are getting undressed - that I have a problem.

So as long as your son grows up with the understanding that women may want to get undressed in a women's changing place without him hanging round, he will be fine I'm sure.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/06/2017 13:28

My son and my dh know better than to go into a female changing room !