Friend of friend suddenly announces awkward dietary requirements (help??)

[ComingUpTrumps]

Argh.

I'm organising a meal at the moment for a special event (I don't really know these people). I sent out a restaurant menu a couple of weeks ago to everyone so they could see the different options available. Yesterday, I asked everyone to pre-order from the menu and to pass on their choices to me next week to me. I also asked everyone (a couple of months ago) to pass on their dietary requirements to me.

Most people have now got back to me with their choices. One person (who I'm getting a bit annoyed with for other reasons) just messaged me tonight to say that they are gluten-free and dairy-free. I saw her a couple of months ago, and she had macaroni cheese and a burger with a bun.

How do I reply to this?

I've said to her: 'hi X thanks for letting me know. There's X, X and X in the starters, and X and X in the mains which are gluten-free and dairy-free.'

She then said 'yes, there are a few options on the menu, but do they have a separate menu?'

Help! Before I lose the will to live.

"Well I'm sure they could type the options on a separate piece of paper if it makes you feel even more special."

"No they don't. Please let me know if you would rather not attend"

Tell her to contact restaurant direct so there can be no miscommunication

What does she mean a separate menu? Just because she was eating that stuff a few months ago doesn't mean she can now. My friend is 30 and now has a condition that she can't eat certain things that she could before

Louise she would like a separate menu that just lists gluten-free and dairy-free dishes.

Just reply that they don't (even if they do don't bother putting in extra effort for her) and that you need a choice asap. Be super friendly but don't bend to her attention seeking.

Some restaurants do have a separate menu so it's not unreasonable but I would politely suggest that it would be better for her to contact the restaurant herself as she knows her requirements best.

Just say, "No idea. Please get your choices to me by x date." If she doesn't reply, book the restaurant for those who have replied. Don't engage with silly requests or chase her for a response. Honestly you're making this into a thing and it doesn't have to be.

"No, they don't have a separate menu" then repeat the info about the gluten and dairy free options.

About her eating gluten and dairy a few months ago - I have a friend who has recently been diagnosed as having coeliac disease, so she cannot eat gluten. She was told by her doctors that she had to continue eating gluten until the tests had been completed, because otherwise the results of the tests for coeliac disease could be a false negative. She was also diagnosed with a dairy intolerance shortly after being diagnosed as being coeliac.
Of course, i have no idea what the story is with your friend, but just wanted to say that her having eaten gluten and dairy a few months ago doesn't necessarily mean that she's able to eat it now.

It's perfectly possible to have to cut out dairy and gluten within the space of a few months. And many restaurants DO offer a separate gluten free menu so it's not a stupid question - she might just have assumed you wouldn't have sent it out without being asked. I think your annoyance with her over other things is impacting your judgement here. Just reply politely and say "Sorry, no, I've double-checked and it's just the options listed on the main menu."

"Hi. Thanks for coming back to me. Not sure if there's a special menu, but feel free to contact them. I need your decision by xxx date. Hope there's something you'd like. All the best x"

My final message to her is now: 'it's probably best if you contact the restaurant directly to look into whether they have a separate menu. Their contact details are listed on their website here XXXX.'

How does this sound? Passive aggressive (absolutely wasn't meant to be!!) I'm hoping that I came across as assertive and polite, but not sure?? (I'm so sorry everyone - I'm a bit of a people-pleaser and I constantly need reassurance from others

Oh fuck. I've messed up haven't I.

'I don't know if they have. Please contact them directly and inform them of your choices. Thenceforth I'll assume you're dealing with them directly. Thanks.'

I think your message to her is fine, but your attitude to someone's food intolerances stinks. Imagine for a second how it may feel for her? All she did was ask.

No, don't overthink things! It's fine. Either she has a new medical issue or she's being an awkward arse. Either way, she can ring the restaurant and find out!

I don't think you've messed up. Getting her to contact the restaurant direct is exactly the right thing to do, and your message sounds fine.

She ate macaroni cheese AND a burger in a bun last time?!

Thanks a bunch NiceSlice.

How about you try organising a 3-day event next weekend single-handedly for 15 strangers on the request of a loved one?

The event involves organising, among other things, three separate meals (3 vegans, 2 vegetarians and 1 diner who's just told you they can't eat gluten or dairy?)

Then, after you've been run absolutely ragged organising the event, come back and tell me again that my 'attitude to food intolerances stinks'. Very tactful indeed of you to say.

Newly diagnosed coeliacs quite often get diagnosed with a dairy intolerance at the same time. Lots of restaurants have a gluten free menu, thank goodness.

Your message was fine no could not possibly offend.

Relax with your response to NiceSlice, Miss 'People pleaser'! I take it you have no problem being a people pleaser over the Internet!

I have a husband and child with food intolerances and allergies, imagine how hard that is to live with every day. Having to always ask for 'the special menu' not being able to just eat freely. Having to Cary medications, worry that others may not understand.

You asked if you were being unreasonable. And I think you were. Sorry you didn't like my answer.

You said you are booking a meal for a special event, now it's a three day event? Maybe ask for help.

Sorry if you think I'm being short but honestly, think about how other people may feel. Poor woman.

Overreaction, much ComingUpTrumps?

Get a sodding grip.

My son is dairy and egg allergic (and used to be wheat and soya allergic) and I always prefer to speak to restaurants /party venues/caterers myself rather than causing hassle for the party host. You did absolutely the right thing. Much better to avoid Chinese whispers.
I like to see ingredient break downs etc rather than take someone's word for it that dishes are "free " of the allergens.

I know people who have transformed their health by cutting out gluten and dairy as adults, so this isn't necessarily a fad. But she should want to deal with the venue herself!

Siwd I'm so sorry - I shouldn't have been rude. I'm extremely, extremely stressed.

I'm organising this event on behalf of a relative (at the relative's request). I was originally asked to organise the event with two other people. Neither of these people are unable to organise it with me any more because they are both too busy with other things.

I've found it incredibly stressful and pressured, and very difficult to organise.

I've also spent £30 on a vegan cake as a surprise for everyone on the weekend. I think I may have to return the cake as it's not gluten free. It wouldn't be fair if one person can't enjoy it. What do you all think?